My BF almost cheated on me... with a guy!!!

My bf and I have been together for over a year now. I had my doubts about getting into a relationship. Turned him down numerous and numerous times. But he never gave up. He told me the whole spill. Wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Give me kids if I wanted them. Pay off all my debt. I have very little. Btw. He wanted to help me reach bigger and better retirement goals. I was head over heels for this guy. I met him at my previous employment. He was a traveler. His contract had him for a year at my place. But he extended it another to stay near me. He even tried to get on as an employee. Of course that all came to an end when the employer didn’t need him anymore. So he started traveling again. By this time we got a place together. I started working less bc he was always complaining we never see each other bc of that. Now we have a huge house. Which I’m alone in almost the entire time. Except a couple of weekends. I wasn’t very happy. Sometimes he would forget to call. Or it took him hours to text back. I never thought him the cheating kind. He was always mr goody two shoes. He had recently bought a cheap computer that we made fun of together. It was crap. But he used it while his main computer was being fixed. And we leave our screens on. Like nothing to hide. One day I saw it and wanted to see how the computer worked. Of course he was away working. I opened the screen, and it came on already logged on to his email. I was just like man this guy has a crap load of emails and never checks them. As I was ready to close the computer, One email stood out to me. “Are you available?” I was like hmm. And it was a very recent email. Come to find out it was the time we had an argument about his traveling jobs. But he had messaged a guy that he was super horny and wanted to get together. He had even rented a room to get some alone time. This was the weekend he told me he was having car problems and trying to fix it. And said he couldn’t go anywhere. The guy he wanted to hang out with was busy and said he couldn’t make it. Maybe another time. I was pretty upset when I saw that. But this email was connected to previous ones. The last one was about a month before he asked me out. None since just recently. But it’ll the emails were very descriptive about their “meetings” and times together. I still don’t know what to think. I confronted him. He denied over and over again. Finally I found a name for that person. And I told him that I’m not dumb. He never really admits it. But instead says he’s lonely af when we are fighting. And he was lonely at that time. This is the guy who told me that we should never have sex together when we are mad. And that people in love do those things. How did that make everything okay? I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do? I’m hurt he would do this to me. Especially with a guy. We currently are still seeing each other. We’ve talked over and over again. And he’s said he only wants me and that he did a dumb thing. But I still feel uneasy about the entire thing.

You got into this relationship because you ignored uneasy feelings about him at the beginning. I'd really recommend, in the light of all this, that you stop ignoring them now.

Your post is a bit confusing, I admit, but what I gather is that your boyfriend has been living two lives: one with you, and one that—well, you're probably never going to really understand what that life is. But it's a life in which he is attracted to and, most likely, sexually active with men, and it's a life he was living before you met him. He's probably not able to talk you honestly because he hasn't been honest with himself. This is stuff that cuts deep, in short.

The question is: How much more cut up do you want to get from his deep cuts?

Even without this new information, it really doesn't sound like you're in a very happy relationship. You hardly see the man you hardly know. You fight a a lot. And now this. If he's not able to even talk about this honestly, what is there here to even work on or get past?

I am assuming you are female. I would be done! Not only for the cheating, but because he is gayThis dude has clearly been with other guys!

Are you cool with this type of situation, if not, why the hell are you staying with a lying cheat! I hope to God you used. Condoms. On the whole, your relationship sounds miserable, and I cannot understand why you stay!

Stop sleeping with him, and get tested immediately!

Honestly, if I found out that the man I was with is Bi and he didn't disclose that with me from the beginning, I would be upset and I would not deal with it. How are you going to feel when he's out with the guys and he comes home late, would you feel okay with that?

What a drip.

Honestly, he saw you coming. he promises you babies and to pay your debts without really being in a relationship with you and you agreed to inadvertently become his "beard" to cover his gay lifestyle, hook line and sinker.

Have the dignity to walk away. And get tested for STDs. if he does this to you when you are young, pretty, slim, what is he going to do when you can't have sex because you are in a difficult pregnnancy?

Yeah. I was thinking the beard thing, too.

OP, I would bet money that this dude is gay. Have some self respect and get away from him! Forever!

His sexual orientation is not the issue here...he is who he is. The bottom line is his choice to unfairly hide it from you, therefore putting your health at risk, etc.

I'm sure he's a nice person, yet he's not the person to go forward with, (imo).

Honestly, he saw you coming. he promises you babies and to pay your debts without really being in a relationship with you and you agreed to inadvertently become his "beard" to cover his gay lifestyle, hook line and sinker.

I have to say, I agree with the above.

I don't think this relationship came together for the right reasons, OP. You were hesitant for a while before even dating him; your gut was trying to tell you something.

He has been hiding a huge part of himself and needs to come to terms with it. Perhaps he might edge towards that now, given that his secret isn't so secret anymore. I would not continue seeing him. The deception and betrayal of trust is just too significant, and it is going to cause problems in the future.

Had he been open from the get-go that he is also attracted to men, then you could have made an informed decision whether or not to proceed. He took that away from you and sold you a false narrative; no way would I be able to continue with someone who lies by omission on such a grand scale.

You're going to have to come to terms with the fact that he's bi and that he hid it from you. If that's not the worst thing, he is willing to cheat on you.

It really is up to you how much you are willing to take, but for most women, I think that would be too much.

He had no right to hide his sexual orientation and he definitely has no right to start cheating on you.

But I will say, that you are no doubt always going to be looking over your shoulder now and wondering who is he sleeping with. And you know what? No one would ever want to live that way.

It's going to be heart breaking for you to leave him, but I don't think you've got any other choice. He is a cheater and that's not something that is usually fixable.

He lied to you.

But it’s a lie that is not just about you but himself.

And something he hasn’t quite come to terms with?

He is not gay, he is bi. But it sounds like he wants the traditional life of a straight guy, yet can’t quite ignore his bi desires.

Although it sounds like he did suppress his attraction to men for the most part he was with you.

Has he cheated on you? Emotionally yes. Physically it seems no.

I wouldn’t automatically label him as a cheater.

But you do need to have an open minded discussion with him.

Sorry to hear this. Did you move out? The first thing you need to do is stop having sex and get to a doctor for STD testing. The next is getting a job, your own financial adviser and getting out of this.

He never volunteered this info, you happened upon it. That means what you know is the tip of the iceberg. Notice also that he blames it on you (we were fight). You're in denial at this point and because he's bought your compliance, you're in too deep.

Learn what you're up against, considering you have just begun to scratch the surface of his web of lies. : https://www.cdc.gov/std/stats17/msm.htm

he had messaged a guy that he was super horny and wanted to get together. He had even rented a room to get some alone time. This was the weekend he told me he was having car problems and trying to fix it.

I have had two different friends whose father FINALLY came out gay, twenty years into the marriage. The men knew since childhood that they were gay, but could not accept. The pain the families had to deal with due to the deceit was incredible. We do not know if he is gay or bi, but the boldness of his emails strongly suggest that he has been with men.

The betrayal and lies in this situation is unforgivable.

OP, I still do not get why you would give your career to stay at home all day? You lost yourself in all of this.

 

Has he cheated on you? Emotionally yes. Physically it seems no.

 

I wouldn’t automatically label him as a cheater.

^^^^^^I would

Even if he were as straight as an arrow and he was NOT cheating, the love bombing, the boundary crossing are big warning signs of potential abuse as well. this was bad out of the gate

I agree, emotionally cheating is still cheating, imho.

One email stood out to me. “Are you available?” I was like hmm. And it was a very recent email. Come to find out it was the time we had an argument about his traveling jobs. But he had messaged a guy that he was super horny and wanted to get together. He had even rented a room to get some alone time. This was the weekend he told me he was having car problems and trying to fix it. And said he couldn’t go anywhere. The guy he wanted to hang out with was busy and said he couldn’t make it. Maybe another time.

I would consider this cheating, even if the other guy was unavailable and they weren't able to meet. Your boyfriend clearly had the intent to hook up with him while in a committed relationship with you. The only thing that stopped him in this case was that the guy was unavailable. In other words, not his commitment to you.

This is just the email that you saw. There could be dozens or even hundreds of communications that you haven't seen and never will.

^^^^^^I would

So would I.

What difference does it make if he's bi or gay? He tried to cheat and lied about it. Isn't that bad enough?

Some will continue thinking they can work things through if it is another woman. It is impossible to compete with another man.

The bottom line: the dude cheated on you! It is also not a "dumb thing," it is who he is. Wake up!

OP, where are you?

I would consider this cheating, even if the other guy was unavailable and they weren't able to meet. Your boyfriend clearly had the intent to hook up with him while in a committed relationship with you. The only thing that stopped him in this case was that the guy was unavailable. In other words, not his commitment to you.

 

This is just the email that you saw. There could be dozens or even hundreds of communications that you haven't seen and never will.

Yeah -- if he started opening up emotionally at work to someone - kind of as a shoulder to cry on = that could evolve into emotional cheating. Setting up a date,propositioning someone is cheating cheating even if the other person couldn't make it. And i bet that there was more than this one "potential date". its just the only one he got caught arranging.

I confronted him. He denied over and over again. Finally I found a name for that person. And I told him that I’m not dumb. He never really admits it.

Personally OP, if I had been you, the above quote is what would have set me on fire. That level of denial is almost like gaslighting. I would have said the same thing: I am not that dumb!

The fact that he refuses to hold himself accountable and respect you at least to admit his wrongdoings says everything.

I agree with the others that he could have been setting you up to be his beard. I am sorry this happened to you. I would end it. Good luck