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Thread: infatuated with straight guy

  1. #1

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    infatuated with straight guy

    Hello all,

    I've been infatuated with this guy for a long time. As far as I know, he doesn't really know my true feelings for him, but he does know I'm gay. He is very straight lol

    In general, he is a great person to be around, but recently he moved away and it's a bit difficult to keep in touch. We had agreed to meet once a month or so (we live about 60 miles apart). During the time we've known each other, I have always put more of an effort into our "friendship" than he has. He is a bit unreliable when it comes to communication, and there has been moments where I actually needed a friend and he was unavailable. By contrast, I have always been available to him and have put his interest before mine often. I check in with him if I know he's having a difficult time and I show interest in his life, etc. He rarely initiates contact with me. Sometimes he'll be super cheerful and responsive and would want to include me playing video games or just texting, and other times he'd essentially ignore my texts for days.

    Communicating with him gives me anxiety and it makes me feel really said. I ask him to hangout and he would take days in respond and the anticipation causes me mental stress. If he accepts to spend time with me, I'm happy. If he doesn't I'm sad for a while but recover quickly. Then repeat the whole process every few weeks.

    I think if I didn't have feelings for him, I would have let the friendship die a while ago by simply stop initiating contact with him. But I don't want to have feelings for him since they cannot be reciprocagted. In the past, the only way I've gotten over a crush like this has been by becoming friends or by cutting them out of my life for a while. Now, I think the rational thing for me to do is simply to stop contacting him altogether since he does not have the communication etiquette I need from an actual friend.

    Does anyone have any suggestions? I don't want to be rude cause my feelings aren't his fault. Any input would be appreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    As a friend, gay or not, you need to exercise boundaries with everyone.

    You are obsessing over this friend and I wouldn't put it past him if he's actually avoiding you. Perhaps you are contacting him excessively and he's backing off until you can take the hint. Or, he may not be the type of communicator you are looking for. He's not good at regular correspondence. I know some people who are not into relentless back 'n forth communication. Too much communication turns into a time trap. People are very busy with their lives.

    He's probably sensing you want more out of the friendship than he's willing to give or invest in.

    Learn to adapt. If he's not the type to constantly communicate, then back off, wait and see what happens. Maybe he is the one trying to enforce boundaries with you.

    If he continues not to live up to your expectations, then let him go since the feelings aren't mutual. And, he's straight. Focus your attentions on a gay man instead.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You need to do the rational thing and stop contacting him. Chances are that he won't even notice it. This sounds like an one-sided friendship sustained mostly by you. If you let go, chances are that it will fade away. He is not responsible for your feelings and it sounds like he may want to keep his distance. You would be better off letting go this "friendship".

    You also need to explore why you fall for unattainable people. A straight guy is a lost case to begin with. It sounds like you are emotionally unavailable if you keep falling for what you can't have.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    You need to do the rational thing and stop contacting him. Chances are that he won't even notice it. This sounds like an one-sided friendship sustained mostly by you. If you let go, chances are that it will fade away. He is not responsible for your feelings and it sounds like he may want to keep his distance. You would be better off letting go this "friendship".
    I was thinking exactly the same thing.

    This friendship means lot more to you than it does to him, OP. My best guess is he knows you are into him, and thus keeps you at arm's length. It would be wise to let yourself fade from his life so you can move past your feelings for him and not wind up in any more emotional distress.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to date available gay men. You're not in a relationship with him and therefore your expectations are quite unrealistic.
    Originally Posted by serargus
    I have always put more of an effort into our "friendship" than he has. He is a bit unreliable when it comes to communication, and there has been moments where I actually needed a friend and he was unavailable.

  7. #6
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    This sounds like a guy who really isn't overly interested in a friendship with you - at least not in a true friendship way. You're just an acquaintance to him , nothing more (imo). Your infatuation makes you read a lot more into things and imagine things which really aren't there. Move on.

  8. #7

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    Follow up

    Thank you all for your advice. My brain knows you're all in the right ballpark and I should stop contacting him. I will try my best. It is unfortunate how sometimes I sometimes do things that I know full well are not in my best interest, but I can't seem to help it. I guess we all do this from time to time.

    If he ever reaches back and ask if something is up, do people recommend I tell him the reason, lie and say I've been busy, or simply ignore him?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by serargus
    Thank you all for your advice. My brain knows you're all in the right ballpark and I should stop contacting him. I will try my best. It is unfortunate how sometimes I sometimes do things that I know full well are not in my best interest, but I can't seem to help it. I guess we all do this from time to time.

    If he ever reaches back and ask if something is up, do people recommend I tell him the reason, lie and say I've been busy, or simply ignore him?
    It will depend on where you are in your healing. I would ignore it if after honest analysis, I knew I still had feelings for him. It's difficult to even say if you will care about this "friendship" once you've gotten over the unattainable crush feature.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    As adults we need to form different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs. Our days of glomming onto one bestie are limited by the requirement that we respect the limits of others, and we only attempt to move a friendship to that level when such an interest is mutual. Otherwise, we relegate certain friends to an acquaintance category, and we make room for the idea that most friendships will diverge during the course of different stages of our lives.

    In other words, it's natural for us to grow in different areas at different rates, and for us to prioritize different aspects of our lives over any given friendship at any point in time.

    This means that over the course of our lives different people will cycle in and out of our lives, and we can either suffer hurt or indignation over that, or we can let it go and invest our focus on other friends, making new friends and building stronger bonds with family and lovers.

    For instance, as a single, I diverged from friends who went knee deep in diapers. I kept in loose touch with some, but completely phased out others. I just didn't burn any bridges. Over time, certain friends cycled back into my life as their parenting constraints lifted or their divorces were finalized or we kicked back at a class reunion and opted to rekindle our old enjoyment of one another.

    The problem here is that you're more invested in this friend than he is in you--which is normally not a problem given the context of 'respecting limits'. Except that you have a crush on the guy, and he's not going to play. So your over investment is causing you to focus on this guy like a laser beam and hurt yourself in the process.

    You get to decide whether you'll allow the guy to fade and trust that if he ever reaches out, you'll be better equipped to handle that because you'll have already normalized your focus on other investments and will hopefully thrive--which takes the sting out of divergence in a natural way.

    Right now that doesn't 'appear' possible, but it is. It's a decision.

    I'd consider allowing this guy to set the pace of his availability while you move your focus onto other friends and interests. If he reaches out, you get to decide whether you can handle the limits of his investment without romanticizing him into hurting yourself again.

    We all need to learn how to curb crushes on inappropriate people. Sometimes we'll remain in forced contact, as with a colleague at work, where we learn how to normalize our focus despite continued exposure to a crush. Other times we can just pull back on contact and allow whatever degree of exposure we can handle.

    Head high.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    If he reaches back and asks you if something is up, tell him the truth. Don't lie nor ignore unless you wish for real, permanent estrangement. People can eventually sniff out a dishonest person so don't go there.

    If you wish to retain your friendship with him, have common sense boundaries, learn to adapt and keep your friendship light; not heavy and immersed. Follow his cue. Learn to back off.

    Since you know his personality, lower your expectations. If you expect less, you'll hurt less.

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