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Thread: Breaking up without a “good” reason

  1. #1

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    Breaking up without a “good” reason

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years, and living with him for 2 years. I was 21 and he was 25 when we started dating and both of us were big into drinking and going out, but about 4-5 years into our relationship we both grew out of our partying phase and as time has gone on we’ve developed new interests and suddenly I’ve realized how different we are. I don’t feel in-love with or attracted to him anymore, but he didn’t do anything wrong, we’re just different people now.

    However, when I tried to bring up our lacking romantic connection and differing interests he claimed that he did not think our relationship felt any different. And actually got mad at me and claimed that I used him to get through school and I now wanted to ”jump ship” (I went back to school recently [graduated last December], & was living with him for a very low cost for my last 1.5 years of school- but he was the one that kept telling me I should move in with him to save money).

    Since our talk he has been unusually affectionate, and even willing to do things with me that I know he does not enjoy (because in the past I’ve practically begged him to do these things and he never would), but I still don’t feel a connection anymore and I’m constantly daydreaming about being single- I’m not even interested in dating (I actually dread that part of being single) but I miss being able to fully be me without fear of judgement (or having my bf be miserable doing something he hates just because I want to do it)

    How can I break up with my boyfriend in a way that he’ll understand, because apparently my original reasoning was not enough?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You can only do your best to explain how you feel, you probably cant make him understand. I think the main thing is you have both grown up and matured and are now different people than you were at 21 and 25. Nothing wrong with that, it's all part of the growing up process. None of us are who we were in our early 20s. If you want to break up you need to be prepared to move out.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Since he refuses to understand, don't expect him to understand. Stick to your original reasoning because it is the honest truth. Break up with your boyfriend and be prepared for his ugly response, however, at least you'll get the break up you want. There is no reason to remain in a relationship you no longer desire.

    There are times when being gentle doesn't work so it's time to be firm, serious AND FINAL.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Agree with the above.

    Breaking up is not something you do together, but something you do for yourself. It's not a relationship talk or discussion, but a talk in which you let someone know that the relationship has ended. He is allowed to think and feel about all that whatever he thinks and feels. It does not need to line up with your thoughts and feelings, which is what makes these moments so hard, so sad.

    So let him know, clearly, that you have decided you can't be in the relationship anymore—that where you are today is not where you were at 21, and that you no longer have the feelings you need to have to stay in it in a way you feel is fair for either of you. And that, really, is that. He'll have questions. You answer them by coming back to what is true—that fact that you can't do it anymore—and then you step forward from there.

    Just remember that, if he could understand all this—who you are right now, how you feel right now—you would not be making this choice.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    You probably won't be able to make him understand, and that's okay. People often outgrow relationships. Not everything has to end in a fiery pit of flames. End things in the most respectful way possible and then take some serious time without talking so you can both move on.

  7. #6
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    Not up to you to make him understand. In my view as long as you are honest then that's all you can do. On a side note, sometimes there doesn't have to be a good reason to break up. Provide no second chances, no open doors or say "maybe" we can try again. Just be honest and then let him see if he understands. Who knows, maybe he is being nice to make you happy and he might want to be single also.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. The best way to break up is to start getting well paid jobs and start offering to compensate him as well as finding your own place so you can prepare to move out. Talking at him about "how you've grown apart" isn't the answer because it's not a solution it's a complaint. Don't daydream about being single. Do the practical things it takes to make that happen starting with moving out and being on your own.
    Originally Posted by Malon98
    I still don’t feel a connection anymore and I’m constantly daydreaming about being single

  9. #8
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    You don't need his endorsement to break up with him, OP. You won't be able to make him understand; that's something he will have to work through on his own.

    I understand it's hard to end it when you know the other person doesn't want to. I know you feel guilty for wanting out when he's got you thinking that you owe it to him to keep trying. I was in your place once, many years ago now, with a boyfriend who was lovely but for whom my feelings had completely changed. Like you, I stayed a bit longer and "tried" - but honestly, my heart wasn't in it and I just wanted out.

    It was hard, but I never regretted it. We both moved on to other people and relationships that were ultimately more satisfying for us.

  10. #9
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    It takes two people to make a relationship but only one to end it. Do you have a new place to move into or the money to get another apartment or a place you can stay until you can get first and last month’s rent?

  11. #10
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    I'm sorry about all this. Breaking up nicely is very hard to do - you are talking about rejecting him, and rejection hurts.

    There is one way to break up nicely - you have to make them think it's their own idea, you have to get them to breakup with you. Depending on your morals, you can tell him you are dating another guy, or have a new boyfriend.

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