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Should I move on?


love1985

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I’ve been dating this guy going on five months and I getting a sense that he could be emotionally unavailable. He is very logical and it’s hard to get him to open up. We still are seeing each other every two weeks for the most part though I try to understand because he owns a business and works it overnight. He is very high level when we speak about an actual relationship and says he likes to take it slow.

 

His birthday is coming up and he just told me he was leaving for the weekend. Would have been nice to be included in the plan. Ive pulled back a bit because I felt like my leaning into him wasn’t being reciprocated but I want to make sure I’m not the one moving too fast.

 

At this point should I just let this fade?

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He's very busy because he owns a business and works it overnight. He sounds stressed with his high level job. He has a lot of business related responsibilities and priorities. He doesn't have time for you if you're only seeing him once every 2 weeks. This situation won't change.

 

It's good that he's logical, however he's emotionally unavailable which is problematic. How much patience do you have left?

 

If you're willing to take it slow, you'll have to go at his pace, not yours.

 

Yes, it would've been nice to include you in his birthday plans. He doesn't seem as seriously invested in this 5 month relationship as you are.

 

If you're dissatisfied with how he is and this dating arrangement, then one of these days, you should have an in-person discussion with him regarding your valid complaints. I wouldn't fade without an explanation. Out of respect, he deserves an explanation from you. If the two of you cannot resolve your differences, perhaps it's time to go your separate ways.

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At this point should I just let this fade?

 

Given what you described, I would let it fade. Having been in your situation I don't think that it's a good sign that after 5 months he refuses to talk about the relationship, only sees you every two weeks, and is planning a weekend birthday trip without you. My guess is that if you stopped pursuing him, you probably wouldn't hear from him at all.

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If you're dissatisfied with how he is and this dating arrangement, then one of these days, you should have an in-person discussion with him regarding your valid complaints. I wouldn't fade without an explanation. Out of respect, he deserves an explanation from you. If the two of you cannot resolve your differences, perhaps it's time to go your separate ways.

 

I agree with Cheryl, particularly the above.

 

He's giving you what works for him. That doesn't make him a monster, but it might mean that, after five months, you're realizing it's not enough. Can't say I blame you. I get the impression that, five months in, things are much the same was they were a month in.

 

Still, just making assumptions and initiating a fade isn't really a respectful way to deal with this—not to him, or for you.

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Is he single...? This sounds extremely casual OP. At 5 months you guys should be spending at least 2 days a week together and he should def be spending his birthday with you. :I

 

I have dated some extremely busy people with big careers and they made lots of time for me. Once a fortnight is ridiculous and it seems to me he sees you more like a fwb than actual gf.

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He is very high level when we speak about an actual relationship and says he likes to take it slow.

 

I'm also kind of curious to know what "high level" means, especially in the context of someone who is not prone to opening up. As another poster said, it all sounds pretty casual.

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If my math is right, you've been in his company only 10 times.

 

I'd also like to know what you mean by his being 'high level' when you speak about relationships. He's told you that he wants to take it slowly, and apparently you're not ok with that. He has proved that he's not totally on board with you by going off with friends on his birthday weekend and not including you.

 

If you feel that the relationship has potential, you'll have to, as others have said, do it on his terms. What do you two have in common? What fun things have you done together. Is it all just sex?

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He's very busy because he owns a business and works it overnight. He sounds stressed with his high level job. He has a lot of business related responsibilities and priorities. He doesn't have time for you if you're only seeing him once every 2 weeks. This situation won't change.

 

It's good that he's logical, however he's emotionally unavailable which is problematic. How much patience do you have left?

 

If you're willing to take it slow, you'll have to go at his pace, not yours.

 

Yes, it would've been nice to include you in his birthday plans. He doesn't seem as seriously invested in this 5 month relationship as you are.

 

If you're dissatisfied with how he is and this dating arrangement, then one of these days, you should have an in-person discussion with him regarding your valid complaints. I wouldn't fade without an explanation. Out of respect, he deserves an explanation from you. If the two of you cannot resolve your differences, perhaps it's time to go your separate ways.

 

Thanks for the advice and perspective. He says he is stressed a lot which I get. I agree on fading with no context though I’ve brought this up before and he swears that I need to let him lead this. My patience is low at this point and my feelings are getting hurt in the process.

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I agree with Cheryl, particularly the above.

 

He's giving you what works for him. That doesn't make him a monster, but it might mean that, after five months, you're realizing it's not enough. Can't say I blame you. I get the impression that, five months in, things are much the same was they were a month in.

 

Still, just making assumptions and initiating a fade isn't really a respectful way to deal with this—not to him, or for you.

 

You are right on point and I agree. I’ll have the conversation after he returns.

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Is he single...? This sounds extremely casual OP. At 5 months you guys should be spending at least 2 days a week together and he should def be spending his birthday with you. :I

 

I have dated some extremely busy people with big careers and they made lots of time for me. Once a fortnight is ridiculous and it seems to me he sees you more like a fwb than actual gf.

 

Thank you for the context. I agree or maybe if he let me in I could help. But if we’re not wanting the same thing then it’s all a mute point.

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I'm also kind of curious to know what "high level" means, especially in the context of someone who is not prone to opening up. As another poster said, it all sounds pretty casual.

 

Some days he speak futuristic. Dating with purpose is what connected us. There was always an intentional outcome in dating but his perspective could have changed.

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If my math is right, you've been in his company only 10 times.

 

I'd also like to know what you mean by his being 'high level' when you speak about relationships. He's told you that he wants to take it slowly, and apparently you're not ok with that. He has proved that he's not totally on board with you by going off with friends on his birthday weekend and not including you.

 

If you feel that the relationship has potential, you'll have to, as others have said, do it on his terms. What do you two have in common? What fun things have you done together. Is it all just sex?

 

High level being we can, in the future. I’m here to stay but no real action though the beginning he was strong. He did say he was going with his cousin but I still think you should plan some time for the person you are dating. I think we have a lot of the same morals and values in common. We both want lasting relationships that lead to marriage. We both want to be financially secure but like to play hard like going out for a night on the town, learning new skills, intellectual conversation. It could be that he just doesn’t have time. It’s not all sex. I think it should be on both of our terms. It can’t be one sided.

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Thanks for the advice and perspective. He says he is stressed a lot which I get. I agree on fading with no context though I’ve brought this up before and he swears that I need to let him lead this. My patience is low at this point and my feelings are getting hurt in the process.

 

High level being we can, in the future. I’m here to stay but no real action though the beginning he was strong. He did say he was going with his cousin but I still think you should plan some time for the person you are dating. I think we have a lot of the same morals and values in common. We both want lasting relationships that lead to marriage. We both want to be financially secure but like to play hard like going out for a night on the town, learning new skills, intellectual conversation. It could be that he just doesn’t have time. It’s not all sex. I think it should be on both of our terms. It can’t be one sided.

 

You've brought this up before and he swears that you need to let HIM lead this? Now would you call this fair? No one should lead anyone in relationships. There needs to be respectful consultation and consideration for each partner. My patience would be very low at this point, too. I'd feel hurt as well.

 

I agree, since it's his birthday, he should've planned something with YOU for his birthday, NOT with his cousin given you're already in a 5 month relationship with him.

 

It's great that you two share the same morals, values, desire financial security, discuss marriage, engage in intellectual conversation and enjoy nights on the town despite seeing each other only once every 2 weeks! He's emotionally unavailable which means he has low or non-existent EQ (emotional intelligence - Google those words).

 

Something doesn't add about this guy and the relationship you're in with him.

 

A relationship should feel supremely joyous and quite comfortable. You boxes regarding him are not all ticked.

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I dated someone like this but we were not having sex plus I also just wanted casual at that point. But after five months there was a situation where he cancelled plans with me on a holiday weekend because he had the chance to go flying with a pilot friend. That prompted a conversation where we realized it just wasn’t going to go anywhere. Difference was we were kind of on the same page about that so no hard feelings. He was a very busy investment banker and i typically only dated extremely busy professionals like me. The extremely busy professionals made time to see me more than every two weeks. So did I. It’s really not an excuse.

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You've brought this up before and he swears that you need to let HIM lead this? Now would you call this fair? No one should lead anyone in relationships. There needs to be respectful consultation and consideration for each partner. My patience would be very low at this point, too. I'd feel hurt as well.

 

I agree, since it's his birthday, he should've planned something with YOU for his birthday, NOT with his cousin given you're already in a 5 month relationship with him.

 

It's great that you two share the same morals, values, desire financial security, discuss marriage, engage in intellectual conversation and enjoy nights on the town despite seeing each other only once every 2 weeks! He's emotionally unavailable which means he has low or non-existent EQ (emotional intelligence - Google those words).

 

Something doesn't add about this guy and the relationship you're in with him.

 

A relationship should feel supremely joyous and quite comfortable. You boxes regarding him are not all ticked.

 

Thanks for the reference. Totally agree. Weird we talk everyday but otherwise we’re on a two week schedule. This is very odd to me. I just think you’d want to be around a person you like whenever you can be.

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I dated someone like this but we were not having sex plus I also just wanted casual at that point. But after five months there was a situation where he cancelled plans with me on a holiday weekend because he had the chance to go flying with a pilot friend. That prompted a conversation where we realized it just wasn’t going to go anywhere. Difference was we were kind of on the same page about that so no hard feelings. He was a very busy investment banker and i typically only dated extremely busy professionals like me. The extremely busy professionals made time to see me more than every two weeks. So did I. It’s really not an excuse.

 

Agreed. It just sucks because it’s a weird phase to be in because I can be mad but then can’t because we’re not officially in a relationship. However even that is not an excuse.

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He said he wanted to take things slow because he’s made major mistakes in the past but this is beyond slow.

 

Ooof. I think taking it slow is great, because good things are built slowly. But taking it slow to atone for past sins, and putting that right there on the table before the drinks arrive? Eyebrow raised.

 

A pocket theory of mine is that the phrase "take it slow" is, more often than not, code for "not ready," much like "I'm really stressed" and "I'm really busy" can often mean the same thing. Adults are stressed and busy, and mature ones move into new things slowly. No need to make it all about that.

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Thanks for the reference. Totally agree. Weird we talk everyday but otherwise we’re on a two week schedule. This is very odd to me. I just think you’d want to be around a person you like whenever you can be.

 

A 2 week schedule is too few and far between. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, too much absence causes two people to drift apart.

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Whatever his motive is, you have to decide if this is going to work for YOU, and clearly it is not. His work-life schedule is the complete polar opposite of yours (I'm assuming), which means you're two ships passing in the night a good majority of the time. Your schedules simply do not align, especially if there is distance to factor between you, and work commutes, etc. I dated an over-nighter, and we had one day a week where our schedules meshed well, and when he was unavailable, it could push "date night" back 2-3 weeks. Communication was mostly text, which I am not fond of, and text was the easiet because when he was at work, I was sleeping, and vice versa. There was more going on than just this one issue that ultimately had me severing our quasi relationship, but the inability to see each other with any regularity, let alone a conversation once or twice in between, was really problematic. It certainly did not foster relationship growth.

 

If they want to see you, they can and will make efforts to do so. How is it that the time is there for a vacation with the "cuz," but you don't get some time sandwiched in there somewhere as well? I would absolutely be wounded by this, all the while wishing him well and happy he has a fun time planned. It's hard to work around these emotions and jealousy.

 

Stating you're not seeing anyone else is a hint...not a discussion. Sure, I'm not seeing anyone else (right now). I don't have any other dates; I'm not talking to anyone else (right now). If you want exclusive, you need to bring up the topic. Don't hint and don't assume.

 

I think the bottom line is this guy has provided his desires and expectations, and you have to decide if you're happy working it. How long are you going to be patient and compliant? How many weeks, months, or years wasted? YOU decide what you want and put a timeline on it. I don't mean that you give him an ultimatum, you just determine that you will see if things improve in X days/weeks after the birthday trip when things slow down, or X days/weeks after the major work project, or X weeks, when he is able to place responsibility on an overnight employee so that he has days available, and when X weeks pass with no change, it's time to let it go. You take that step to terminate the relationship with no ultimatums (ultimatums never last)...you're letting this one go.

 

Don't extend this unreasonably into months, and explore other relationships in the interim. I wouldn't blame you for holding out for a couple more dates and see if something changes, and have fun when he's available, but we're already on *month five*! Accept the reality that he probably just really isn't all that into you, or accept that his lifestyle is just not compatible with yours.

 

This one is probably a bust, sorry.

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Ooof. I think taking it slow is great, because good things are built slowly. But taking it slow to atone for past sins, and putting that right there on the table before the drinks arrive? Eyebrow raised.

 

A pocket theory of mine is that the phrase "take it slow" is, more often than not, code for "not ready," much like "I'm really stressed" and "I'm really busy" can often mean the same thing. Adults are stressed and busy, and mature ones move into new things slowly. No need to make it all about that.

 

Great theory. I agree. It just sucks. I don’t think he’s ready. I get the sense he’s not ready for any type of relationship.

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