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Thread: Should I move on?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by love1985
    He said he wanted to take things slow because heís made major mistakes in the past but this is beyond slow.
    Ooof. I think taking it slow is great, because good things are built slowly. But taking it slow to atone for past sins, and putting that right there on the table before the drinks arrive? Eyebrow raised.

    A pocket theory of mine is that the phrase "take it slow" is, more often than not, code for "not ready," much like "I'm really stressed" and "I'm really busy" can often mean the same thing. Adults are stressed and busy, and mature ones move into new things slowly. No need to make it all about that.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by love1985
    Thanks for the reference. Totally agree. Weird we talk everyday but otherwise weíre on a two week schedule. This is very odd to me. I just think youíd want to be around a person you like whenever you can be.
    A 2 week schedule is too few and far between. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, too much absence causes two people to drift apart.

  3. #23
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    Whatever his motive is, you have to decide if this is going to work for YOU, and clearly it is not. His work-life schedule is the complete polar opposite of yours (I'm assuming), which means you're two ships passing in the night a good majority of the time. Your schedules simply do not align, especially if there is distance to factor between you, and work commutes, etc. I dated an over-nighter, and we had one day a week where our schedules meshed well, and when he was unavailable, it could push "date night" back 2-3 weeks. Communication was mostly text, which I am not fond of, and text was the easiet because when he was at work, I was sleeping, and vice versa. There was more going on than just this one issue that ultimately had me severing our quasi relationship, but the inability to see each other with any regularity, let alone a conversation once or twice in between, was really problematic. It certainly did not foster relationship growth.

    If they want to see you, they can and will make efforts to do so. How is it that the time is there for a vacation with the "cuz," but you don't get some time sandwiched in there somewhere as well? I would absolutely be wounded by this, all the while wishing him well and happy he has a fun time planned. It's hard to work around these emotions and jealousy.

    Stating you're not seeing anyone else is a hint...not a discussion. Sure, I'm not seeing anyone else (right now). I don't have any other dates; I'm not talking to anyone else (right now). If you want exclusive, you need to bring up the topic. Don't hint and don't assume.

    I think the bottom line is this guy has provided his desires and expectations, and you have to decide if you're happy working it. How long are you going to be patient and compliant? How many weeks, months, or years wasted? YOU decide what you want and put a timeline on it. I don't mean that you give him an ultimatum, you just determine that you will see if things improve in X days/weeks after the birthday trip when things slow down, or X days/weeks after the major work project, or X weeks, when he is able to place responsibility on an overnight employee so that he has days available, and when X weeks pass with no change, it's time to let it go. You take that step to terminate the relationship with no ultimatums (ultimatums never last)...you're letting this one go.

    Don't extend this unreasonably into months, and explore other relationships in the interim. I wouldn't blame you for holding out for a couple more dates and see if something changes, and have fun when he's available, but we're already on *month five*! Accept the reality that he probably just really isn't all that into you, or accept that his lifestyle is just not compatible with yours.

    This one is probably a bust, sorry.

  4. 08-02-2019, 05:28 AM

  5. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes, let it fade. After 5 mos, he isn't showing much interest.
    Originally Posted by love1985
    -Iíve been dating this guy going on five months
    -He is very high level when we speak about an actual relationship and says he likes to take it slow.

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  7. #25
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Ooof. I think taking it slow is great, because good things are built slowly. But taking it slow to atone for past sins, and putting that right there on the table before the drinks arrive? Eyebrow raised.

    A pocket theory of mine is that the phrase "take it slow" is, more often than not, code for "not ready," much like "I'm really stressed" and "I'm really busy" can often mean the same thing. Adults are stressed and busy, and mature ones move into new things slowly. No need to make it all about that.
    Great theory. I agree. It just sucks. I donít think heís ready. I get the sense heís not ready for any type of relationship.

  8. #26
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    A 2 week schedule is too few and far between. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, too much absence causes two people to drift apart.
    Yep I agree. Maybe a pop in love works for him but not me.

  9. #27
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    Whatever his motive is, you have to decide if this is going to work for YOU, and clearly it is not. His work-life schedule is the complete polar opposite of yours (I'm assuming), which means you're two ships passing in the night a good majority of the time. Your schedules simply do not align, especially if there is distance to factor between you, and work commutes, etc. I dated an over-nighter, and we had one day a week where our schedules meshed well, and when he was unavailable, it could push "date night" back 2-3 weeks. Communication was mostly text, which I am not fond of, and text was the easiet because when he was at work, I was sleeping, and vice versa. There was more going on than just this one issue that ultimately had me severing our quasi relationship, but the inability to see each other with any regularity, let alone a conversation once or twice in between, was really problematic. It certainly did not foster relationship growth.

    If they want to see you, they can and will make efforts to do so. How is it that the time is there for a vacation with the "cuz," but you don't get some time sandwiched in there somewhere as well? I would absolutely be wounded by this, all the while wishing him well and happy he has a fun time planned. It's hard to work around these emotions and jealousy.

    Stating you're not seeing anyone else is a hint...not a discussion. Sure, I'm not seeing anyone else (right now). I don't have any other dates; I'm not talking to anyone else (right now). If you want exclusive, you need to bring up the topic. Don't hint and don't assume.

    I think the bottom line is this guy has provided his desires and expectations, and you have to decide if you're happy working it. How long are you going to be patient and compliant? How many weeks, months, or years wasted? YOU decide what you want and put a timeline on it. I don't mean that you give him an ultimatum, you just determine that you will see if things improve in X days/weeks after the birthday trip when things slow down, or X days/weeks after the major work project, or X weeks, when he is able to place responsibility on an overnight employee so that he has days available, and when X weeks pass with no change, it's time to let it go. You take that step to terminate the relationship with no ultimatums (ultimatums never last)...you're letting this one go.

    Don't extend this unreasonably into months, and explore other relationships in the interim. I wouldn't blame you for holding out for a couple more dates and see if something changes, and have fun when he's available, but we're already on *month five*! Accept the reality that he probably just really isn't all that into you, or accept that his lifestyle is just not compatible with yours.

    This one is probably a bust, sorry.
    Thank you for the detail advice. I agree. I wonít be an ultimatum just a wish you well. I donít even know if I have a couple more dates left in me. Iíve even questioned myself and if I was asking too much. I think he doesnít know how to be honest. Heís fallen for the pretty interesting women let him tell it. Most which seemed to use him. I donít want this experience to turn me as a person because I do desire to have a family and find love. Itís just hard not too.

  10. #28
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    I would let this go. He does not sound like relationship material.

  11. #29
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Hmmm, if this thing were going well, you two should be in the honeymoon phase of the relationship now, and going on the trip together. And a date every two weeks is no honeymoon.

    It's worse than you think. He's not at slow, he's at stop. When they say they like to take it slow, it means they are on the rebound - still hurt from the previous breakup and not ready to love again.

  12. #30
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I would let this go. He does not sound like relationship material.
    This is probably true

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