Still crazy about a girl from 12 years ago...

So this is my first time talking openly about anything like this, so here goes...

About 12 years ago when I was 16/17 I reconnected with a childhood friend, we knew each other when we were kids and she moved away when we were 7. We were best friends when we were kids, we wrote letters to each other and tried to keep in touch, but eventually we lost touch altogether.

When I was 16 she got back in touch, and we slowly started to talk more and more, eventually we arranged to meet up (She was still living where she'd moved to, the other side of the country from where I lived). We met up and the first time I saw her I was besotted instantly. I was too nervous to talk much to her for the first few hours, but it didn't take long before we were chatting as if we'd never been apart.

We continued to be friends for months, I'd make visits down to her and vice versa. I went down to see her over New Year's, which was when I gave in and told her about my feelings towards her (By abruptly kissing her while we where in then middle of talking). She felt the same, and ended up together for 10 months. It was a long distance relationship which wasn't easy, but we visited each other as much as possible during that time. I can honestly say that to this day that was the happiest I had ever been in my life, I've never felt as much towards one person before or since.

Eventually we found it harder and harder to see each other, and we decided to end the relationship. I was gutted, I entered into a rebound relationship probably about a week later, which was probably the second stupidest thing I've done in my life (First being letting this girl go in the first place). We lost touch again, but I'd think about her pretty much all the time. At one point not long after the breakup I asked her if we could get back together, which was disastrously unsuccessful (Probably the way I approached it to be honest - I blurted it out over messenger).

Skip forward to 12 years on, I'm in a long term relationship now, we're not married but we've been together 10 years and have an 18 month old child together. The relationship used to be a lot stronger than it is now, as we're constanly bickering and treading on eggshells around each other, and I don't feel the same way towards her that I used to. I love my child so much, and no matter what happens I will always continue to be a supportive and loving father, but overall I'm unhappy with the relationship with my partner.

Over the past 12 years I've thought about the girl most days in all honesty, not in a big way but sometimes I'll think about her for a moment. That is until a couple of weeks ago. Suddenly I was hit with a tidal wave of old memories and emotions, and started to feel like I did when we broke up. I couldn't stop myself, and before long she was the only thing I could think about.

It got to the point where I couldn't sleep for all of the things running through my head, I just couldn't shut it off. We'd spoken every now and then over the years, but not for a long time. Every so often she would message me and we'd chat and have a catch up, but inevitably we'd message each other back slower and slower until communication just stopped again.

I toyed with the idea of messaging her, to see how she was doing. But avoided it for ages, until I decided enough was enough, I had to talk to her, because trying to avoid speaking to her altogether certainly hadn't worked at all in the past 7 years. So for the first time since we broke up, I initiated contact with her.

She replied within the hour, and since then we've been talking for several days, catching up and such. I only appear to be somewhat happy over the past few days when I've received a new message from her. We're talking loads in our messages, although the replies are slow and I find myself feeling really low when I haven't heard from her in a while.

I'm at the point now where I don't know what to do. I've changed in the past 12 years, and I'm not as naïve or prone to stupid decisions as I once was. I'm not happy in my relationship, and I'm not looking to get back with this girl. I just want her in my life and I want to speak to her more regularly. Mostly I just want to get back to the point when we were as close friends as we once were, to the point where we were speaking most days, and really close. I am still as in love with her as I once was, 12 years apart with barely speaking for years at a time hasn't lessened it one bit, for me she was 'the one' and always will be.

Sorry for the essay! Like I said it's my first time asking anything like this, this is honestly driving me nuts, I still can't sleep at night with all of the thing running through my mind, I feel like I'm not right in the head! Any advice or thoughts would be more than welcomed.

Many thanks,

J

I've changed in the past 12 years, and I'm not as naïve or prone to stupid decisions as I once was.

While I'm sure this is true, I also can't help but feel that your feelings for this woman are fueled by some naiveté and that your reaching out to her, at this time, is not the wisest of decisions—a bit like reaching for the rewind button because you don't like the story you've found yourself living in.

I don't mean that to sound harsh or dismissive, but I do think you could use a splash of cold water on the face. This was someone you connected with, and dated briefly, when you were a teenager. A connection that, even then, existed more as a fantasy (long distance) than a reality.

A fertile, formative time, for sure. But also: adolescence. Just give yourself a moment to acknowledge that, because it's not a mere wrinkle here. Odds are you've been able to hold onto this fantasy for so long because it never quite existed as anything but that.

When we're unhappy in our present we invariably become nostalgic for the past, and when we're unhappy in romance it's inevitable that past loves take on an intoxicating shine in our imagination. It's the road not taken, the coulda, woulda, shoulda stuff. It's a part of our humanity we're better off understanding than indulging.

The not-naive, not-stupid thing to do right now is man up and focus on the road you're on, the road you have paved for yourself. Are you completely checked out of your relationship, finished? If so, then you owe it to your girlfriend to tell her and go about the hard process of transitioning into awesome, loving co-parents. If not, then you owe it to her, to yourself, and your child, to try to address whatever is going on in a sensible way. Texting with an ex is take the edge off is not exactly sensible, you know? Not a lot of stories out there about couples who went through a trying time but reconnected because one of them went off to connect with an ex from their teen years. There are, however, lots of stories about couples who went through a trying time and reconnected through communication, patience, a dose of counseling, and so on.

Have you ever been in therapy? It might do some wonders for you, helping you understand what's behind these thoughts and feelings so they're a little less mysterious, and therefore less powerful. It kind of sounds like this long ago ex is as much an idea in your head and heart than an actual person—a soothing, epic, tragic idea that has been a life raft during tricky junctions. I get that. I've held onto things, and inflated things, in my mind far longer than was healthy—typically because there is some other emotional health issue that I haven't isolated clearly to deal with or was just too cowardly to take on like a man.

But you've got a kid, brother. You have to be a man right now, a model. It's not gauzy and sexy, I know, but it's better than that in the long run. Think big picture here: if your ultimate fate is to rekindle this almost-was thing, do you really want the foundation of that to be because you started texting while your girlfriend was feeding the baby in the other room? Probably not. All that would just be another recipe for a period in your life to look back on longingly, and painfully, another decade from now, with much more real fires and wreckage in the rearview mirror.

Does this ex of yours know you're in a long term relationship and have a baby? Does she know you're interested in getting her back WHILE you are in said long term relationship?

Before you even consider reigniting a flame with the ex, you need to take care of your current situation. You either need to decide to fix things with your girlfriend, or end the relationship. You owe her that. You owe yourself that.

Until then, do not even think about starting something with the old flame. You can't get on one train while you are still on another.

Did you consider counseling, before emotionally cheating on her with your ex?

Take care of your long term relationship first.

Stop contacting your childhood friend because it is deceitful behind your long term relationship woman. You need to change for the better for the sake of the woman you're currently living with and your child. First things first. Once you or her move out and you're officially very single and available, this is the time to resume your LDR with your childhood friend.

Don't be messy. Set your priorities straight and do things in order.

Keep in mind all the while that LDRs rarely endure for obvious reasons: hassle, inconvenient travel, expensive traveling costs and time-consuming inconvenience.

Infatuation clouds your judgment and then reality sets in.

What would your real in person relationship look like with your long term girl if you put the same amount of thought, time and energy into trying to care for and reach her?

I agree with other, this past relationship is more fantasy than reality. Even the past history of reaching out and conversation dwindling over time suggest it would not work with the old flame.

I hope you don’t forfeit something good in the now for something that never will be and maybe never was. Everything looks better through the rear view mirror of nostalgia!

Work on your long term relationship in the here and now or end it and take a nice break to recover and heal before jumping into a new/old relationship.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are trying to relive an carefree puppy-love idealized youth. A fantasy land to escape from the responsibility of grown-up real life issues, such as trying to respect your partner and keep things romantic.

Kids can make things more complex unless you wake up and start trying to reconnect romantically with the mother of your child. Get a sitter, plan some date nights, romantic weekend, etc.

Get to a doctor for a complete physical if you have chronic insomnia, anxiety and possibly depression/ruminating this much. Ask for a referral to a therapist. Go alone at first then suggest you start couples counseling. You need to speak with a therapist, not a past high school love. A fantasy is not going to fix any of your problems.

overall I'm unhappy with the relationship with my partner.

 

She replied within the hour, and since then we've been talking for several days, catching up and such. We're talking loads in our messages, although the replies are slow and I find myself feeling really low when I haven't heard from her in a while.

 

I'm not happy in my relationship, and I'm not looking to get back with this girl.

I'm not as naïve or prone to stupid decisions as I once was.

Well, I'm not so sure about that.

Your childhood friend hasn't been a significant part of your life for the last 12 years, except through fantasy and nostalgia. But you are choosing the instant gratification of communicating with her in the midst of a hiccup with your companion of 10 years and the mother of your child.

At best, you are fantasizing about a relationship with your old flame. At worst, you will jump at the chance to be with her, should she extend the opportunity.

In effect you are choosing distraction instead of working on the issues in your current relationship, instead of providing a stable family life for your child.

You are undoubtedly idealizing your past with this ex, and you are also in denial about your intentions. I would consider this to be pretty naive.

It is also naive to believe that a 12-year obsession/preoccupation is equal to love. It isn't.

Your stupid decision was making contact with this old flame. By doing so, you have over-complicated the difficulties in your current relationship.

Perhaps you are crazy about your idea of her. It's understandable as you've been friends with her for a very long time and you were in an LDR. Plus, I'm guessing it must be uncomfortable to be where you are right now, especially since currently things aren't going so well with the partner you've got a child with.

May I ask you something? What made you fall in love with your current partner? What has changed?

You've got a child together, so I would try to work it out.