Jump to content

My ex is mad I slept with someone else


UnicornMama

Recommended Posts

So my ex husband of 14 years up and walked out on me a mere few weeks after our last child was born. In a very traumatic way. He and his family (about 7 people) literally stormed my house, packed things up and tried taking our kids. It’s been 10 months since he left. Through out that 10 months I have been open and honest about not wanting a divorce and wanting to work on our marriage. He keeps playing hot and cold. He will tell me he still loves me, misses me and that I’m his everything. Yet in the same breath tells me he doesn’t think we can work out our problems. His family and I don’t get along and they have treated me poorly our entire marriage, and I take all the blame for everything. They are adamant about us not getting back together and have completely written me off. We are fairly civil and amicable but have had some hiccups along the way. He keeps our civil relationship a secret from his family. We have also continued to sleep together occasionally. Him always pursuing me, never me pursuing him. I just always fall weak and give in when he comes looking for it. Then he goes to being cold and heartless with me. Anyways we had a fight and he told me to eff off that he was done with me and wanted nothing to do with me. I have been completely devastated since he left. I adore and love this man more than anything. He was my best friend and we share 7 kids together. But after he told me this, and stopped talking to me or seeing his kids for weeks on end I went out and hooked up with a random. This was almost 10 months after he left. He asked me the other day if I had slept with anyone else and I said yes, (he’s back on talking terms again) he then told me it solidified everything and he could never be with me again. That he could not sleep with me ever regardless if we were together or not now. I said that was unfair and I did nothing wrong, he told me he agreed and that I didn’t do anything wrong but that’s just how his brain works. He then proceeded to tell me I lost the chance to get back with him, even though for almost a year he’s told me he doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t think it could work out. But now he’s saying I always knew there was a chance he’d come home but now there is no chance. I’m devastated and feel gross and ashamed and like I cheated on him. I waited TEN FREAKING MONTHS before even considering it and it was awful! As soon as the other guy entered I knew I couldn’t do it, I stopped him got up and left, I told my ex this but he thinks I’m just saying that now. I told him yes there was penetration but that it didn’t feel right and I had to get out of there. This was also my first ever first night stand bc I’m just not that kind of girl. I’ve always been super conscious of who I sleep with.

 

Does my ex have grounds to be upset? I get he has the right to decide if he’d want to have sex with me after being with someone else, but if he truly loved me and wanted our marriage to work it wouldn’t matter. He left me, he lead me on a string of emotional ups and downs for damn near a year. I’ve begged him to file for divorce or come home but he’s done neither. Saying he doesn’t know if he wants a divorce but doesn’t know if he wants to come home. Yet refuses to make any effort to work on the marriage or take the steps to finalize the ending.

 

Could someone give me insight to why he’s feeling this way? Am I tainted and impure in his eyes now? Does he just look at me as property or a possession? Did I do something wrong? Should I have waited until he decided? Or until divorce papers were signed?

Link to comment
  • Replies 78
  • Created
  • Last Reply
So my ex husband of 14 years up and walked out on me a mere few weeks after our last child was born. In a very traumatic way. He and his family (about 7 people) literally stormed my house, packed things up and tried taking our kids. It’s been 10 months since he left. Through out that 10 months I have been open and honest about not wanting a divorce and wanting to work on our marriage. He keeps playing hot and cold. He will tell me he still loves me, misses me and that I’m his everything. Yet in the same breath tells me he doesn’t think we can work out our problems. His family and I don’t get along and they have treated me poorly our entire marriage, and I take all the blame for everything. They are adamant about us not getting back together and have completely written me off. We are fairly civil and amicable but have had some hiccups along the way. He keeps our civil relationship a secret from his family. We have also continued to sleep together occasionally. Him always pursuing me, never me pursuing him. I just always fall weak and give in when he comes looking for it. Then he goes to being cold and heartless with me. Anyways we had a fight and he told me to eff off that he was done with me and wanted nothing to do with me. I have been completely devastated since he left. I adore and love this man more than anything. He was my best friend and we share 7 kids together. But after he told me this, and stopped talking to me or seeing his kids for weeks on end I went out and hooked up with a random. This was almost 10 months after he left. He asked me the other day if I had slept with anyone else and I said yes, (he’s back on talking terms again) he then told me it solidified everything and he could never be with me again. That he could not sleep with me ever regardless if we were together or not now. I said that was unfair and I did nothing wrong, he told me he agreed and that I didn’t do anything wrong but that’s just how his brain works. He then proceeded to tell me I lost the chance to get back with him, even though for almost a year he’s told me he doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t think it could work out. But now he’s saying I always knew there was a chance he’d come home but now there is no chance. I’m devastated and feel gross and ashamed and like I cheated on him. I waited TEN FREAKING MONTHS before even considering it and it was awful! As soon as the other guy entered I knew I couldn’t do it, I stopped him got up and left, I told my ex this but he thinks I’m just saying that now. I told him yes there was penetration but that it didn’t feel right and I had to get out of there. This was also my first ever first night stand bc I’m just not that kind of girl. I’ve always been super conscious of who I sleep with.

 

Does my ex have grounds to be upset? I get he has the right to decide if he’d want to have sex with me after being with someone else, but if he truly loved me and wanted our marriage to work it wouldn’t matter. He left me, he lead me on a string of emotional ups and downs for damn near a year. I’ve begged him to file for divorce or come home but he’s done neither. Saying he doesn’t know if he wants a divorce but doesn’t know if he wants to come home. Yet refuses to make any effort to work on the marriage or take the steps to finalize the ending.

 

Could someone give me insight to why he’s feeling this way? Am I tainted and impure in his eyes now? Does he just look at me as property or a possession? Did I do something wrong? Should I have waited until he decided? Or until divorce papers were signed?

 

In your mind you having sex with someone else while informally separated is not a big deal. In his mind, despite his horrible drama, it is.

 

It sounds like his running off is one big sh/test of you designed to get you to fail it.

 

Regardless, I think you out to consult a divorce attorney and end this marriage. No more contact with him other than necessary for issues with the kids.

 

BTW, don't mention to him that you stopped in midsex so it does not count a much as if you fully enjoyed it. That conversation will not go well.

Link to comment

There are lawyers involved. We actually had a meeting this past week to discuss custody and support. His lawyer is advocating that he doesn’t make enough to pay the amount in support required and it would bankrupt him. In the meeting the lawyers even offered professional help to repair our marriage or to just end things. In the meeting he said he didn’t think we could work out. Then right after the meeting he tried kissing me and told me he missed me. I am going through legal aid, he is not. I asked my lawyer about filing for divorce myself but bc I’m on government funded assistance they were hired to do custody and support and In order to file for divorce my lawyer needs to get approval first. At least that’s what he told me. So he said to just table that for now until we’ve dealt with support and care. Where as my ex and just tell his lawyer to file and start the process. He hasn’t as of yet. He even said yesterday maybe we should just stay separated and married for now. He knows if we file, a judge can rule a full table amount in support and he doesn’t want that.

Link to comment

He abandoned you and your kids and your are still sleeping with him? Your husband is a total piece of crap and a horrible father. Lady, where is your self respect?!

 

Seek and attorney and get a divorce. You should be focusing on all of your kids, not another guy. Get your act together!

Link to comment

I know I should stop talking/seeing/sleeping with him. I get that. And it’s not the first I’ve heard it. But sometimes things are easier said than done. This has been excruciatingly painful and difficult for me. I was completely blind sighted by this. I was stupidly madly in love and although we had typical marital issues never once thought he was going to bolt. So for me I’m struggling to let go of the emotional ties to him. I want nothing more than to work out our marriage, raise our children together and grow old together. Sounds silly I know, but i just can’t seem to turn off my love for him. I get all high school girly when I see him and I just fall weak when around him. I try to tell myself to not talk about stuff except the kids, or that I’m not going to fall to his charm this time, but sadly I fail every single time. He was my whole world. Our family was everything to me, I devoted myself to him and our kids and I feel completely shattered.

Link to comment

Well hollyj that’s pretty ing rude. Have you been married for 14 years? Have you expanded your family 7x over? No? Then please don’t assume I lack self respect when you have no idea how a grieving process like this is. Not everyone grieves the same not everyone is willing to just give up on something they’ve invested so much into. As for focusing on my kids and not another guy, what part of one night stand did you not grasp? My children were with their father, I was on my time, sooo yeah I had every right to do what I please. But thanks for your condescending, judgmental advice! I’ll be sure to put that one in the ignore pile. ✌️

Link to comment

He walked out on you and your children, and you are repeatedly rewarding him with sex. Your husband is not invested in your relationship, you should focus on that!

 

Think about your kids, and not this idiot who treats you like garbage. Do better for you and your children.

 

You are concerned because he is upset you slept with someone else, after all he did/does. Shaking my head.

Link to comment

Well.... boo freaking hooo..... If he can't afford child support, maybe he shouldn't have abandoned his family.

 

Look, your soon to be ex husband is literally mind fck'ing you to kingdom come. He is playing games to get out of child support and to keep fck'ing you, no NOT making love to you, but fkci'ing you like a cheap prostitute, because you are too weak, too desperate to tell this abuser to hit the road. Him and his family are abusing you. I know it's hard to face, hard to admit, hard to wrap your mind around. However, you don't have a choice but to face reality. Stop putting a man who is abusing you on a pedestal, remove rose colored glasses, see him for the low life that he is and kick him to the curb hard. Also, please please find a good counselor/therapist experienced in dealing with trauma bonding, because what's keeping you glued to this abusive loser is that - trauma bonding. You need to wake up, snap out of it, get angry, get though, heal, move on. You need some serious help and support to get this done. You can do this and it starts with taking care of yourself for once.

Link to comment

Again hollyj I’ll be sure to put this in the pile of ignore comments. You ain’t my mama or my best friend. Keep your tough love to yourself. You think I’m not aware of his behaviour? You think I’m not aware of how this looks to my kids, which btw they have no idea of any of it bc we have never been intimate here or with them around. They have no idea we’ve even stayed romantically involved for that exact reason. All our interactions outside of the kids has been somewhere other than my home. But I don’t need to justify myself to you. I love my husband, the good the bad and the ugly. I took my vows very seriously. It’s not easy to just in tie everything and say F it let’s set this mother on fire and move on. Emotions are difficult. That’s also why courts make you wait a year before filing for divorce, to give couples an opportunity to work on their issues. Which is exactly what I had been hoping for.

Link to comment
Again hollyj I’ll be sure to put this in the pile of ignore comments. You ain’t my mama or my best friend. Keep your tough love to yourself. You think I’m not aware of his behaviour? You think I’m not aware of how this looks to my kids, which btw they have no idea of any of it bc we have never been intimate here or with them around. They have no idea we’ve even stayed romantically involved for that exact reason. All our interactions outside of the kids has been somewhere other than my home. But I don’t need to justify myself to you. I love my husband, the good the bad and the ugly. I took my vows very seriously. It’s not easy to just in tie everything and say F it let’s set this mother on fire and move on. Emotions are difficult. That’s also why courts make you wait a year before filing for divorce, to give couples an opportunity to work on their issues. Which is exactly what I had been hoping for.

 

Unfortunately, he did not respect or honor the vows.

Link to comment

I get to some people this makes me look weak or pathetic. That’s your perspective. I’m not saying I shouldn’t be stronger and move forward, but that’s clearly what I’m struggling with. Everyone keeps throwing the word abusive around, I’m not saying it isn’t abusive. But how is someone to just all of a sudden look at someone as an abuser when they never abused you previously??? This is where the mind fu*ckery begins. We had a good marriage from where I was standing. We worked well as a team for our kids, we spent time together, went on dates, were intimate regularly, he helped with the household, the kids, and everything in between. He supported me and my choices, encouraged me and told me everyday how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. It was literally like a flip of a switch it all changed over night. Yes we had normal marital problems, stress, money issues and the biggest his family’s negative interference. But aside from that, we welcomed another baby, we were planning on purchasing our first home, we were planning a vacation this summer. Like to say that I should just emotionally and mentally pick up my big girl panties and move on is so much easier to say standing on the outside. This is not as if he treated me poorly our entire marriage and I know he’s a sh*t person. It’s that he was the exact opposite of a sh*t person and then boom over night became a sh*t person. That’s a lot to process. Ntm 12 weeks postpartum with a newborn, 2 toddlers, a 9 yr old and 3 teenagers. Like I have so much on my plate and I’m trying to sort it all out. But again I love my husband and I haven’t been able to just turn it off.

Link to comment

He chose his family over you and his kids. End of story. This is all you need to focus on. He deserted you all!

 

He is a sh*t person and a terrible father. i don't know how you can possibly have any respect for this man?

 

I hope that if you continue to sleep with this creep, that you use condoms.

 

What does your family say?

Link to comment
Again hollyj I’ll be sure to put this in the pile of ignore comments. You ain’t my mama or my best friend. Keep your tough love to yourself. You think I’m not aware of his behaviour? You think I’m not aware of how this looks to my kids, which btw they have no idea of any of it bc we have never been intimate here or with them around. They have no idea we’ve even stayed romantically involved for that exact reason. All our interactions outside of the kids has been somewhere other than my home. But I don’t need to justify myself to you. I love my husband, the good the bad and the ugly. I took my vows very seriously. It’s not easy to just in tie everything and say F it let’s set this mother on fire and move on. Emotions are difficult. That’s also why courts make you wait a year before filing for divorce, to give couples an opportunity to work on their issues. Which is exactly what I had been hoping for.

 

OP you came here looking for advice on whether or not your ex has a right to be upset. The answer to that question is that absolutely yes, he has every right to feel whatever feelings he wants to feel in this situation. Whatever your feelings for him or about the situation are, they are his feelings and for him, they are valid. It's as another poster said... to him, separation meant something different than it did to you.

 

You will do what you are going to do, for whatever reasons you do them... his hurt feelings are a direct result of the consequences of your decision. If you were serious about staying with him, then sleeping with someone else was not the way to show it.

Link to comment

I honestly don’t know how much more simpler I can make it for you. I was hoping to work on our marriage! I wasn’t ready to just quit and walk away. Especially since it was completely out of the norm for him. What if he’s having mental health issues? Struggling from depression or feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of another baby. Torn between his family? There are so many possibilities to cause him to have an abrupt change in behaviour. If I was a sh*t wife and said okay bye, you disrespected me I no longer give af, then clearly I didn’t respect him to begin with. I wanted to give it time to see if there was any possibility of reconciliation. I wanted to give him time and space to sort out his thoughts. We are not having sex regularly. It has happened a handful of times in the 10 months. This isn’t a reoccurring weekly/monthly thing. Just that it has happened. I understand now that I need to take the steps to move forward. Mentally I told myself I would give him one year. If he hadn't decided by then I was not willing to wait longer. Unfortunately I made it 10 months before attempting to move on only to find out I’m not yet there. My issue is that he’s now upset and dangling the ‘you had a chance to work it out with me but you blew it’ over my head. It was such a shock to hear that after telling me he didn’t know what he wanted that he actually considered giving it another shot but now it’s not possible bc I slept with someone else. I understand I have to now move on, but originally my post was asking if I had done anything wrong. That if I was hoping to save my marriage should I have waited for the finalized divorce before being with someone else and wanted to know if he had any real grounds to be upset with me.

Link to comment
I get to some people this makes me look weak or pathetic. That’s your perspective. I’m not saying I shouldn’t be stronger and move forward, but that’s clearly what I’m struggling with. Everyone keeps throwing the word abusive around, I’m not saying it isn’t abusive. But how is someone to just all of a sudden look at someone as an abuser when they never abused you previously??? This is where the mind fu*ckery begins. We had a good marriage from where I was standing. We worked well as a team for our kids, we spent time together, went on dates, were intimate regularly, he helped with the household, the kids, and everything in between. He supported me and my choices, encouraged me and told me everyday how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. It was literally like a flip of a switch it all changed over night. Yes we had normal marital problems, stress, money issues and the biggest his family’s negative interference. But aside from that, we welcomed another baby, we were planning on purchasing our first home, we were planning a vacation this summer. Like to say that I should just emotionally and mentally pick up my big girl panties and move on is so much easier to say standing on the outside. This is not as if he treated me poorly our entire marriage and I know he’s a sh*t person. It’s that he was the exact opposite of a sh*t person and then boom over night became a sh*t person. That’s a lot to process. Ntm 12 weeks postpartum with a newborn, 2 toddlers, a 9 yr old and 3 teenagers. Like I have so much on my plate and I’m trying to sort it all out. But again I love my husband and I haven’t been able to just turn it off.

 

Oh trust me that posters here do know and understand your predicament. No, it's not easy to just flip everything off. Yet....he did just that..... That is the mind fck that you are dealing with. Everything seemed so normal and happy until one day it suddenly wasn't. You are blindsided and feel off balance. It's like a lightening bolt just hit you out of a sunny clear sky. It's disorienting. Therein lies the danger though.

 

While you are completely confused and bewildered, for him, this has been brewing for awhile. He knows what he is doing and so has a huge advantage over you. The though love is basically for that reason. You have to fight because the enemy has breached your gates so to speak. You don't have time to have peace talks. This is an all hands on deck crisis and your and your children's welfare depends on the speed of your reactions and your immediate toughness under immense stress. You can't afford to focus on what has been, you have to deal with the harsh reality of who he is being right now, as bewildering as it is. The time to heal emotionally, to grieve, to cry will come later, right now you have to fight like a momma bear in a full on rage because that's what this situation is calling for.

 

Whether it's his toxic family or something else... I have to admit that just like another poster, the thought that this guy is cheating on you and putting you through this nightmare because he got someone on the side crossed my mind. Cluster B personality disorder did too - very typical to seem all normal and then suddenly switch off and discard everything - wife, kids, marriage, etc. Cheating is often part of that pathology. Discard one relationship cold while monkey branching onto the next victim they've already lined up. You might want to hire a PI instead of continuing to grant him the privilege of sleeping with you after he threw you aside like used garbage. Doing what you are doing won't get you any place good.

Link to comment

I appreciate you addressing the actual question in which I was asking. I see your perspective, however this wasn’t merely days or weeks after he left, it was almost a year after and after hearing him say over and over it was done, to back peddle and say he didn’t know what he wanted. I made a choice to decide if I was ready to move on after he told me to go Fu*k myself out of anger. I realized I am not ready to be with someone else. He’s entitled to feel his feelings, but what definition of separation could there be? He left, he hired a lawyer, he refused counseling. That all screams he didn’t want the marriage. So yes his feelings are a direct result of my actions, but my actions are a direct result of his choices. If he was serious about me, he would have spoke to me, asked for time and proceeded maturely. Not blindside me and leave on a whim without even discussing why or what

Link to comment

Unfortunately, both his moving out and his statement about 'not working out' indicate it's over. What were his reasons for leaving in the first place? Where is he living now? Do both of you own the house?

 

He may have to get a second job if he 'can't afford child support'. It's not optional. He's sleeping with you and string you along to get his way. If he cared he would not have simply abandoned you. If he makes more than you he will have to pay his attorney and your attorney. Do some research.

There are lawyers involved. We actually had a meeting this past week to discuss custody and support. His lawyer is advocating that he doesn’t make enough to pay the amount in support required and it would bankrupt him.

 

In the meeting the lawyers even offered professional help to repair our marriage or to just end things. In the meeting he said he didn’t think we could work out.

Link to comment

You keep talking about working on and trying to save your marriage. Understandable. BUT what has he done in the past 10 months to save his marriage, outside of walking out on it? Nothing if you are honest. You can't save your marriage by yourself.

 

Not only that, but now your soon to be ex is using your one night stand to shift blame, to make you the guilty party, to make you the bad person in this. If that's not the ultimate, callous mind fck, I don't know what is. He walked out on you, on his kids, on his family, now months later he is putting the blame on you and guilt tripping you on what HE did. Problem is that you are here because it's working. You don't know right from wrong anymore. So let me clear it up for you - he is wrong, he abandoned his marriage, he has zero intent to return, he left you, all of you. He doesn't get to walk all that back and blame you now. He is wrong.

 

Again, cluster B's do this sort of thing a lot. Shift blame, even completely rewrite history. It can be incredibly disorienting to deal with these people because they make you question your own sanity and reality. They will rewrite reality for you where white is black and black is white and convince you they are right. It's pretty much what he is doing to you right now and it's madening for you. Think on it - all of a sudden he is sweeping under the rug the fact that he had abandoned his marriage and fixating on what you did months down the road under the assumption (correct assumption) that you two are finished and then telling you that gee....if only you haven't done this thing, our marriage would be fine. No, it wasn't going to be fine and he wasn't coming back even if you paved that road with gold. You need to somehow start accepting that. He meant to leave, he discarded, he meant to be gone and stay gone. Only thing that happened is you inadvertently gave him ammo to tar and feather you and shift all blame onto you.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...