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Thread: My ex is mad I slept with someone else

  1. #1
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    My ex is mad I slept with someone else

    So my ex husband of 14 years up and walked out on me a mere few weeks after our last child was born. In a very traumatic way. He and his family (about 7 people) literally stormed my house, packed things up and tried taking our kids. Itís been 10 months since he left. Through out that 10 months I have been open and honest about not wanting a divorce and wanting to work on our marriage. He keeps playing hot and cold. He will tell me he still loves me, misses me and that Iím his everything. Yet in the same breath tells me he doesnít think we can work out our problems. His family and I donít get along and they have treated me poorly our entire marriage, and I take all the blame for everything. They are adamant about us not getting back together and have completely written me off. We are fairly civil and amicable but have had some hiccups along the way. He keeps our civil relationship a secret from his family. We have also continued to sleep together occasionally. Him always pursuing me, never me pursuing him. I just always fall weak and give in when he comes looking for it. Then he goes to being cold and heartless with me. Anyways we had a fight and he told me to eff off that he was done with me and wanted nothing to do with me. I have been completely devastated since he left. I adore and love this man more than anything. He was my best friend and we share 7 kids together. But after he told me this, and stopped talking to me or seeing his kids for weeks on end I went out and hooked up with a random. This was almost 10 months after he left. He asked me the other day if I had slept with anyone else and I said yes, (heís back on talking terms again) he then told me it solidified everything and he could never be with me again. That he could not sleep with me ever regardless if we were together or not now. I said that was unfair and I did nothing wrong, he told me he agreed and that I didnít do anything wrong but thatís just how his brain works. He then proceeded to tell me I lost the chance to get back with him, even though for almost a year heís told me he doesnít know what he wants and doesnít think it could work out. But now heís saying I always knew there was a chance heíd come home but now there is no chance. Iím devastated and feel gross and ashamed and like I cheated on him. I waited TEN FREAKING MONTHS before even considering it and it was awful! As soon as the other guy entered I knew I couldnít do it, I stopped him got up and left, I told my ex this but he thinks Iím just saying that now. I told him yes there was penetration but that it didnít feel right and I had to get out of there. This was also my first ever first night stand bc Iím just not that kind of girl. Iíve always been super conscious of who I sleep with.

    Does my ex have grounds to be upset? I get he has the right to decide if heíd want to have sex with me after being with someone else, but if he truly loved me and wanted our marriage to work it wouldnít matter. He left me, he lead me on a string of emotional ups and downs for damn near a year. Iíve begged him to file for divorce or come home but heís done neither. Saying he doesnít know if he wants a divorce but doesnít know if he wants to come home. Yet refuses to make any effort to work on the marriage or take the steps to finalize the ending.

    Could someone give me insight to why heís feeling this way? Am I tainted and impure in his eyes now? Does he just look at me as property or a possession? Did I do something wrong? Should I have waited until he decided? Or until divorce papers were signed?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to contact an attorney immediately to file for divorce and set up child support on behalf of your kids. It doesn't matter what he thinks about your love life after abandoning you. Stop sleeping with him. He walked out on you.

  3. #3
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    He abandoned you and seven kids. Take his butt to court.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by UnicornMama
    So my ex husband of 14 years up and walked out on me a mere few weeks after our last child was born. In a very traumatic way. He and his family (about 7 people) literally stormed my house, packed things up and tried taking our kids. Itís been 10 months since he left. Through out that 10 months I have been open and honest about not wanting a divorce and wanting to work on our marriage. He keeps playing hot and cold. He will tell me he still loves me, misses me and that Iím his everything. Yet in the same breath tells me he doesnít think we can work out our problems. His family and I donít get along and they have treated me poorly our entire marriage, and I take all the blame for everything. They are adamant about us not getting back together and have completely written me off. We are fairly civil and amicable but have had some hiccups along the way. He keeps our civil relationship a secret from his family. We have also continued to sleep together occasionally. Him always pursuing me, never me pursuing him. I just always fall weak and give in when he comes looking for it. Then he goes to being cold and heartless with me. Anyways we had a fight and he told me to eff off that he was done with me and wanted nothing to do with me. I have been completely devastated since he left. I adore and love this man more than anything. He was my best friend and we share 7 kids together. But after he told me this, and stopped talking to me or seeing his kids for weeks on end I went out and hooked up with a random. This was almost 10 months after he left. He asked me the other day if I had slept with anyone else and I said yes, (heís back on talking terms again) he then told me it solidified everything and he could never be with me again. That he could not sleep with me ever regardless if we were together or not now. I said that was unfair and I did nothing wrong, he told me he agreed and that I didnít do anything wrong but thatís just how his brain works. He then proceeded to tell me I lost the chance to get back with him, even though for almost a year heís told me he doesnít know what he wants and doesnít think it could work out. But now heís saying I always knew there was a chance heíd come home but now there is no chance. Iím devastated and feel gross and ashamed and like I cheated on him. I waited TEN FREAKING MONTHS before even considering it and it was awful! As soon as the other guy entered I knew I couldnít do it, I stopped him got up and left, I told my ex this but he thinks Iím just saying that now. I told him yes there was penetration but that it didnít feel right and I had to get out of there. This was also my first ever first night stand bc Iím just not that kind of girl. Iíve always been super conscious of who I sleep with.

    Does my ex have grounds to be upset? I get he has the right to decide if heíd want to have sex with me after being with someone else, but if he truly loved me and wanted our marriage to work it wouldnít matter. He left me, he lead me on a string of emotional ups and downs for damn near a year. Iíve begged him to file for divorce or come home but heís done neither. Saying he doesnít know if he wants a divorce but doesnít know if he wants to come home. Yet refuses to make any effort to work on the marriage or take the steps to finalize the ending.

    Could someone give me insight to why heís feeling this way? Am I tainted and impure in his eyes now? Does he just look at me as property or a possession? Did I do something wrong? Should I have waited until he decided? Or until divorce papers were signed?
    In your mind you having sex with someone else while informally separated is not a big deal. In his mind, despite his horrible drama, it is.

    It sounds like his running off is one big sh/test of you designed to get you to fail it.

    Regardless, I think you out to consult a divorce attorney and end this marriage. No more contact with him other than necessary for issues with the kids.

    BTW, don't mention to him that you stopped in midsex so it does not count a much as if you fully enjoyed it. That conversation will not go well.
    Last edited by jimthzz; 08-01-2019 at 01:35 PM.

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  6. #5
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    There are lawyers involved. We actually had a meeting this past week to discuss custody and support. His lawyer is advocating that he doesnít make enough to pay the amount in support required and it would bankrupt him. In the meeting the lawyers even offered professional help to repair our marriage or to just end things. In the meeting he said he didnít think we could work out. Then right after the meeting he tried kissing me and told me he missed me. I am going through legal aid, he is not. I asked my lawyer about filing for divorce myself but bc Iím on government funded assistance they were hired to do custody and support and In order to file for divorce my lawyer needs to get approval first. At least thatís what he told me. So he said to just table that for now until weíve dealt with support and care. Where as my ex and just tell his lawyer to file and start the process. He hasnít as of yet. He even said yesterday maybe we should just stay separated and married for now. He knows if we file, a judge can rule a full table amount in support and he doesnít want that.

  7. #6
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    He abandoned you and your kids and your are still sleeping with him? Your husband is a total piece of crap and a horrible father. Lady, where is your self respect?!

    Seek and attorney and get a divorce. You should be focusing on all of your kids, not another guy. Get your act together!

  8. #7
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    Well, then maybe he should have stayed home if he canít afford the support. But he doesnít get to decide that he walks out on 7 kids and not support them. File.

  9. #8
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    I know I should stop talking/seeing/sleeping with him. I get that. And itís not the first Iíve heard it. But sometimes things are easier said than done. This has been excruciatingly painful and difficult for me. I was completely blind sighted by this. I was stupidly madly in love and although we had typical marital issues never once thought he was going to bolt. So for me Iím struggling to let go of the emotional ties to him. I want nothing more than to work out our marriage, raise our children together and grow old together. Sounds silly I know, but i just canít seem to turn off my love for him. I get all high school girly when I see him and I just fall weak when around him. I try to tell myself to not talk about stuff except the kids, or that Iím not going to fall to his charm this time, but sadly I fail every single time. He was my whole world. Our family was everything to me, I devoted myself to him and our kids and I feel completely shattered.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why was he living in your place if you're the one on public assistance?

  11. #10
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    You are setting a terrible example for your children by tolerating all of this. They see and hear everything. Time to stand on your feet and be done with this guy! he does not love or respect you. You are allowing a lot of bad behavior!

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