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Thread: My ex is mad I slept with someone else

  1. #21
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    I honestly donít know how much more simpler I can make it for you. I was hoping to work on our marriage! I wasnít ready to just quit and walk away. Especially since it was completely out of the norm for him. What if heís having mental health issues? Struggling from depression or feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of another baby. Torn between his family? There are so many possibilities to cause him to have an abrupt change in behaviour. If I was a sh*t wife and said okay bye, you disrespected me I no longer give af, then clearly I didnít respect him to begin with. I wanted to give it time to see if there was any possibility of reconciliation. I wanted to give him time and space to sort out his thoughts. We are not having sex regularly. It has happened a handful of times in the 10 months. This isnít a reoccurring weekly/monthly thing. Just that it has happened. I understand now that I need to take the steps to move forward. Mentally I told myself I would give him one year. If he hadn't decided by then I was not willing to wait longer. Unfortunately I made it 10 months before attempting to move on only to find out Iím not yet there. My issue is that heís now upset and dangling the Ďyou had a chance to work it out with me but you blew ití over my head. It was such a shock to hear that after telling me he didnít know what he wanted that he actually considered giving it another shot but now itís not possible bc I slept with someone else. I understand I have to now move on, but originally my post was asking if I had done anything wrong. That if I was hoping to save my marriage should I have waited for the finalized divorce before being with someone else and wanted to know if he had any real grounds to be upset with me.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by UnicornMama
    I get to some people this makes me look weak or pathetic. Thatís your perspective. Iím not saying I shouldnít be stronger and move forward, but thatís clearly what Iím struggling with. Everyone keeps throwing the word abusive around, Iím not saying it isnít abusive. But how is someone to just all of a sudden look at someone as an abuser when they never abused you previously??? This is where the mind fu*ckery begins. We had a good marriage from where I was standing. We worked well as a team for our kids, we spent time together, went on dates, were intimate regularly, he helped with the household, the kids, and everything in between. He supported me and my choices, encouraged me and told me everyday how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. It was literally like a flip of a switch it all changed over night. Yes we had normal marital problems, stress, money issues and the biggest his familyís negative interference. But aside from that, we welcomed another baby, we were planning on purchasing our first home, we were planning a vacation this summer. Like to say that I should just emotionally and mentally pick up my big girl panties and move on is so much easier to say standing on the outside. This is not as if he treated me poorly our entire marriage and I know heís a sh*t person. Itís that he was the exact opposite of a sh*t person and then boom over night became a sh*t person. Thatís a lot to process. Ntm 12 weeks postpartum with a newborn, 2 toddlers, a 9 yr old and 3 teenagers. Like I have so much on my plate and Iím trying to sort it all out. But again I love my husband and I havenít been able to just turn it off.
    Oh trust me that posters here do know and understand your predicament. No, it's not easy to just flip everything off. Yet....he did just that..... That is the mind fck that you are dealing with. Everything seemed so normal and happy until one day it suddenly wasn't. You are blindsided and feel off balance. It's like a lightening bolt just hit you out of a sunny clear sky. It's disorienting. Therein lies the danger though.

    While you are completely confused and bewildered, for him, this has been brewing for awhile. He knows what he is doing and so has a huge advantage over you. The though love is basically for that reason. You have to fight because the enemy has breached your gates so to speak. You don't have time to have peace talks. This is an all hands on deck crisis and your and your children's welfare depends on the speed of your reactions and your immediate toughness under immense stress. You can't afford to focus on what has been, you have to deal with the harsh reality of who he is being right now, as bewildering as it is. The time to heal emotionally, to grieve, to cry will come later, right now you have to fight like a momma bear in a full on rage because that's what this situation is calling for.

    Whether it's his toxic family or something else... I have to admit that just like another poster, the thought that this guy is cheating on you and putting you through this nightmare because he got someone on the side crossed my mind. Cluster B personality disorder did too - very typical to seem all normal and then suddenly switch off and discard everything - wife, kids, marriage, etc. Cheating is often part of that pathology. Discard one relationship cold while monkey branching onto the next victim they've already lined up. You might want to hire a PI instead of continuing to grant him the privilege of sleeping with you after he threw you aside like used garbage. Doing what you are doing won't get you any place good.

  3. #23
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    I appreciate you addressing the actual question in which I was asking. I see your perspective, however this wasnít merely days or weeks after he left, it was almost a year after and after hearing him say over and over it was done, to back peddle and say he didnít know what he wanted. I made a choice to decide if I was ready to move on after he told me to go Fu*k myself out of anger. I realized I am not ready to be with someone else. Heís entitled to feel his feelings, but what definition of separation could there be? He left, he hired a lawyer, he refused counseling. That all screams he didnít want the marriage. So yes his feelings are a direct result of my actions, but my actions are a direct result of his choices. If he was serious about me, he would have spoke to me, asked for time and proceeded maturely. Not blindside me and leave on a whim without even discussing why or what

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, both his moving out and his statement about 'not working out' indicate it's over. What were his reasons for leaving in the first place? Where is he living now? Do both of you own the house?

    He may have to get a second job if he 'can't afford child support'. It's not optional. He's sleeping with you and string you along to get his way. If he cared he would not have simply abandoned you. If he makes more than you he will have to pay his attorney and your attorney. Do some research.
    Originally Posted by UnicornMama
    There are lawyers involved. We actually had a meeting this past week to discuss custody and support. His lawyer is advocating that he doesnít make enough to pay the amount in support required and it would bankrupt him.

    In the meeting the lawyers even offered professional help to repair our marriage or to just end things. In the meeting he said he didnít think we could work out.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You keep talking about working on and trying to save your marriage. Understandable. BUT what has he done in the past 10 months to save his marriage, outside of walking out on it? Nothing if you are honest. You can't save your marriage by yourself.

    Not only that, but now your soon to be ex is using your one night stand to shift blame, to make you the guilty party, to make you the bad person in this. If that's not the ultimate, callous mind fck, I don't know what is. He walked out on you, on his kids, on his family, now months later he is putting the blame on you and guilt tripping you on what HE did. Problem is that you are here because it's working. You don't know right from wrong anymore. So let me clear it up for you - he is wrong, he abandoned his marriage, he has zero intent to return, he left you, all of you. He doesn't get to walk all that back and blame you now. He is wrong.

    Again, cluster B's do this sort of thing a lot. Shift blame, even completely rewrite history. It can be incredibly disorienting to deal with these people because they make you question your own sanity and reality. They will rewrite reality for you where white is black and black is white and convince you they are right. It's pretty much what he is doing to you right now and it's madening for you. Think on it - all of a sudden he is sweeping under the rug the fact that he had abandoned his marriage and fixating on what you did months down the road under the assumption (correct assumption) that you two are finished and then telling you that gee....if only you haven't done this thing, our marriage would be fine. No, it wasn't going to be fine and he wasn't coming back even if you paved that road with gold. You need to somehow start accepting that. He meant to leave, he discarded, he meant to be gone and stay gone. Only thing that happened is you inadvertently gave him ammo to tar and feather you and shift all blame onto you.

  7. #26
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    Thank you. I honestly think this is the best response so far. I appreciate the compassion you have while addressing the real issues. I understand Iím making less than desirable choices, Iím trying to navigate through all of it. Being postpartum has made it even more difficult as I plunged into PPD and have had to lose my career bc I have no child care, lose what I thought was my family, my husband, my stability, and give up on all our goals and dreams while coming to terms with the stranger that he has become. As for the sex, itís only happened a couple times, but one to many. I have just wanted to repair the marriage, to figure out why he abruptly left, I wanted closure. As for cheating that crossed my mind to, but itís a hard no. Our teenage son has gone to live with him and he has assured me there is no one else. My ex has also said there isnít anyone else. A side from that, he sees the kids regularly and works a lot so his time is limited and I doubt he has time for a new girl. Also there was no behaviours leading up to him that suggested he was straying. Home on time, no difference in hygiene or appearance, no working out or being unavailable to reach, no out of the norm expenses or purchases. Cheating just doesnít seem to fit the criteria. Plus if he already had a side piece why come back to me for sex? Not ruling it out completely, but also not sure thatís the case. Hell if it was I think I could process this easier and be like Ďwell he left for a newer modelí it would offer more answers and give closure. Where as right now It just didnít make sense. His only offering was that we had problems and he never communicated them to me until it became to much weight to bare. Heís also stated heís confused and doesnít know what he wants or who he is anymore but assured me he still love me, he just wasnít sure if it was the same anymore.

  8. #27
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    " but assured me he still love me," His actions do not reflect this. This is a total string along. If he loved you, he would not have deserted ll of you. Why had;t he brought up any of the issues earlier? What are the issues?

  9. #28
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    His reasons were that he didnít know if he loved me the same way anymore. He stated he didnít communicate properly to let me know he wasnít happy with certain aspects of our marriage and instead just stayed compliant to keep me happy. Unfortunately I wasnít aware he was unhappy with certain aspects. He never told me, he would come home happy to see us and again was very affectionate and caring. He did say he felt like he didnít have much freedom and that he thought weíd be further in life then we are now. (He wants the big house with all the toys and luxurious vacations) his family also was a contributing factor, his mother loathes me and always has. She contested our relationship from the beginning and meddled a fair bit. He felt torn. Before he left his family held a private meeting for him, and told him he needed to leave me bc I was not a good fit for him.

    He currently moved an hour out of the city and is living with his parents and plans on staying there for some time. They are renovating their basement to accommodate him and the children.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by UnicornMama
    His reasons were that he didnít know if he loved me the same way anymore. He stated he didnít communicate properly to let me know he wasnít happy with certain aspects of our marriage and instead just stayed compliant to keep me happy. Unfortunately I wasnít aware he was unhappy with certain aspects. He never told me, he would come home happy to see us and again was very affectionate and caring. He did say he felt like he didnít have much freedom and that he thought weíd be further in life then we are now. (He wants the big house with all the toys and luxurious vacations) his family also was a contributing factor, his mother loathes me and always has. She contested our relationship from the beginning and meddled a fair bit. He felt torn. Before he left his family held a private meeting for him, and told him he needed to leave me bc I was not a good fit for him.

    He currently moved an hour out of the city and is living with his parents and plans on staying there for some time. They are renovating their basement to accommodate him and the children.
    Wow! That is terrible.

    He said that he does not love you in the same way, but then also told you recently that he still loved you. I do not understand? I think he said this so that he could sweep back in to sleep with you. That is really bad.

  11. #30
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    Are you getting help from your family? What do they say in all of this?

    He never had any intention of returning: remodeling of parents home.

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