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Thread: Are we headed for break up?

  1. #1
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    Are we headed for break up?

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years (I'm 28, he's 31). We are pretty serious - we live together, have a cat together, etc.

    Recently I've been wanting to talk to him more about our future. While we are great together, there are things that have been concerning to me:

    -I want to get married. We didn't talk about this much earlier in our relationship, but he gave me little reason to belief that this is not something that he wanted. Now that we've been talking more about it, it turns out he really is not keen on getting married. There is no good reason for it - his friends are all married, his parents have been married for a long time and are very happy. He just doesn't see himself going through with it, doesn't see himself being with someone "forever." Now he still says he is super committed to me, wants to be with me for the foreseeable future, but just doesn't want to marry me. I asked him if he at least wants some sort of civil union, he basically said maybe but not right now. Now I can't say I've been dreaming my whole life of my wedding day, but I did see myself getting married at some point. Honestly the fact that he doesn't want to marry me makes me feel less committed to him... which I don't want, because I want to be all in.

    -We live in a big city on the east coast. I used to really enjoy living here, but a lot of my close friends have moved away to other places over the past couple years where they can buy a house, and someday start a family. I feel a lot lonelier in this city than I used to. My boyfriend has been clear with me since we started dating that he wants to live in this city for the rest of his life. I used to be okay with that, but now I don't see a future for myself as much in this city. Not to mention that it's become clearer to me recently that the job prospects for me in this city will never be as good as in other places. I am also very far from my family (his family is an hour ago, mine is across the country).

    -As for our views on kids, we're still working it out. I think I would like to have one kid at some point before age 35, but not right now. He says he's on the fence, and has to see how he feels in a few years.

    I feel like I'm at this crossroads. I love this guy, he is very good to me, but he just does not compromise on these big life things. It feels like "my way or the highway." To me, I feel like I have to give up a lot to be with him - the prospect of getting married and getting to choose where I live. If it was one or the other I feel like I could probably suck it up - but having to give up control in both of these things just makes me feel like I will grow resentful over the years if I stay with him.

    Has anyone been in this situation? It feels so awful to risk a great relationship over these things but they are my needs and desires which are important to me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Your last paragraph pretty much sums it up....

    My GF has mentioned having a baby but sadly Iím well past that and not interested at all...

    These are indeed big decisions and unfortunately only you can decide which direction to take.

    He may come around at some stage but thatís another big decision you will have to make - How long youíre willing to give it.

    Carus*

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by cbzfmoc
    Has anyone been in this situation? It feels so awful to risk a great relationship over these things but they are my needs and desires which are important to me.
    A great relationship would also generally entail similar life goals.

    You might get along well, love each other, and have fun together - but your visions for the future are totally different. I agree it is really time to sit down with yourself and ask: if everything were to stay the same as it is now, will you truly be happy? In 5 years? 10 years?

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    Do you rent together or own a house?

    Basically living and renting together does not equate to a commitment , itís convenience rather than commitment, buying a house together is a financial commitment only.

    It seems like the questions you are raising now , were questions you assumed an answer to when you decided to live together. You have asked them too late unfortunately and to your surprise his answers were not what you assumed they would be.

    If you donít own a house together , is he wanting to be a home owner anytime soon? And does he envisage that with you? If he does , donít do it , unless he is on board with your life goals.

    Why do you see the situation as his way or the highway?
    Does he see it as your way or the highway?
    Are you willing to compromise in your goals? Example , marriage but no kids , or kids but no marriage etc?
    What compromise would you settle for?

    Or is it actually your way or the highway?
    You want both , plus move out of city etc?

    There is no right or wrong here.
    Itís simply a choice you must make!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by cbzfmoc
    My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years (I'm 28, he's 31). We are pretty serious - we live together, have a cat together, etc.

    I feel like I'm at this crossroads. I love this guy, he is very good to me, but he just does not compromise on these big life things. It feels like "my way or the highway." To me, I feel like I have to give up a lot to be with him - the prospect of getting married and getting to choose where I live. If it was one or the other I feel like I could probably suck it up - but having to give up control in both of these things just makes me feel like I will grow resentful over the years if I stay with him.

    Has anyone been in this situation? It feels so awful to risk a great relationship over these things but they are my needs and desires which are important to me.
    Let's clarify compromise shall we. When two people come to a meetin in the middle style agreement on issues. There can be no compromise on black and white issues, such has having children or marriage. If one person wants a child and the other doesnt, you cannot have half a child or a part time child. To 'compromise' by your standard would mean someone would have to give up on what they want. He will likely resent you if you force him to, or you will resent him if he forces you not to. This is the same for marriage.

    So, you need to ask yourself the question. If you get what you want, do you care if he resents you for him having to give up on what he wants?

    And as MissCanuck says 'A great relationship would also generally entail similar life goals.' You are both young and there is time, instead of forcing someone to your life goals when theirs is obviously different, it might be time to let it go and find someone with matching goals.

    The biggest mistake in relationships these days, is getting with someone who has different life goals to you and hoping they will change.

  7. #6
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    I was in exactly your situation many years ago at about your age.

    I was in a 6-year relationship with a guy, we lived together and had cats (lol!). We had different life goals. I wanted the whole marriage-kids-house and I definitely wanted some travel thing - he did not want marriage and kids and he wasnít an adventurous guy. But I loved him very much.

    I donít think itís that uncommon? I think when you are younger, those things just arenít quite on the radar yet and you just assume that everyone will want the same things - and your life is such a blank canvas that you arenít quite sure what you want yet.

    I chose the breakup route. In the end, I didnít get everything I wanted (life just doesnít always go the way you want) - but I donít regret it. I did not find that person that I wanted to marry and have kids with, but I did get the career and house and travel - and I moved to another city - all of which I donít think would have happened if I would have stayed. I think if I would have stayed, I would have always wondered ďwhat ifĒ.

    I donít deny that I loved him very much, though - and I cherish the time we had together.

    Honestly, I think that is the challenge in getting together so young sometimes. You both are not done living and growing and becoming who you want to be... so unless you happen to be growing in the same direction, you will feel stifled.

    Anyways - thatís my story. IMO, you canít compromise on big life goals and direction. You are on a journey together and you are either going in the same direction or you are not. As you get older, though, these things solidify a bit more and you have more clarity of vision - so - hopefully itís not a situation that repeats itself.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Stick to your goal and values. How long have you lived together? Keep in mind living together is for economic convenience, easy access to sex, shared bills, chores, errands, etc. And that's fine for a lot of people who don't desire marriage. It is not a step toward marriage.

    The most disconcerting part is his comment "He just doesn't see himself going through with it, doesn't see himself being with someone "forever.". He enjoys all the conveniences so has no reason to change because you're going along with all this. He appears rather insensitive to you and seems to dismiss your feelings

    Add to this further incompatibilities about where you live, distance from family and your career concerns. Stop and reflect what is best for you. Stop discussing things with him for now and start talking to friends and family in your hometown.

    Check out the job situation where your parents live and line something up. Enlist friends and family support to depart this coasting along situation. Ask if they will help you move and put you up until you can find a place/job locally. Cut your losses. You seem much more committed to him than he is to you.
    Originally Posted by cbzfmoc
    -I want to get married. it turns out he really is not keen on getting married.

    I am also very far from my family (his family is an hour ago, mine is across the country).

    I feel like I have to give up a lot to be with him - the prospect of getting married and getting to choose where I live.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    With your one precious life, you are considering "sucking it up?"

    Take what he says at face value. He doesn't want you for a "forever love" but you're okay for now, and this is who you are willing to forego all of your lifetime dreams for?

    This is a learning experience for you, that you were too lacks with discussions about the future after becoming exclusive, and staying for any length of time beyond finding out you two lack compatibility with your lifetime goals.

    You have only about a dozen more years of childbearing ability. It's usually a long process of dating to find an appropriate lifetime partner if you do it correctly (make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and stick with it). You also need time to mourn this relationship before being able to heal and move on, so I recommend moving on to chapter 2 of your life as soon as possible. Take care.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I say cut your losses too. If you are deeply committed to wanting to get married and have children, then you have no choice but to depart from this relationship.

    lesson learned....if you have expectations and priorities, make sure they share the same in the early stages of exclusivity. A man that wants to marry you will not have any issues talking about planning for the future.

  11. #10
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    He does not see a future with you, and has told you so.

    He will not move.

    He does not want kids.

    You two are not compatiblel. You also need to listen to what he has been saying, as you are setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.

    There is no real future with this guy. Find someone who wants what you want.

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