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Thread: Dealing with a change of heart

  1. #1

    Dealing with a change of heart

    Okay so I have been going through a kind of rough patch with my bf for a few months. So first some background info... I've begun to realize that I always seemed to love him more for who I wanted him to be than who he really is. It's like my feelings were a bit forced; they didn't come naturally. Maybe this is because he told me he loved me early on and had high expectations so I felt I owed it to him. The little things about him that got on my nerves, I just bottled it up and convinced myself it wasn't a big deal. You need to know someone completely as a person before dating them. We met each other online, in person for 2 days, and then rushed into a relationship. And when you first meet online instead of in real life, you have a limited understanding of them. And the rest is made up of your imagination. Plus I didn't know what I wanted in a guy or relationship at the time. I was just happy to be with someone who seemed to care about me.

    So during this rough patch I was starting to feel more and more disconnected from him. I think this comes from a few things. We have been together nearly two years but I never got to meet his parents or anyone else in his life. We were just too exclusive. And he comes from a Muslim family and they would be upset for him being with a non-Muslim. He saw my family many times however. He always promises I'll meet them but I feel like it's been too long. So I don't have that same connection that he has with me. Also because we don't really have a stable foundation from the beginning.

    As I became disconnected from my bf, I started to fall for another guy. I never expected that to happen but when it did it made me realize what I really wanted in a guy and relationship (and what I was missing). Since I work with him, I first heard that he liked me and I tried to ignore it. But over some time, the feelings started to grow on me. Even from our short interactions and eye contact, I've honestly never felt this kind of connection with someone before. Not just a physical attraction but also emotional attraction (something I didn't really have with my bf). I've been having trouble sleeping too, cuz I wake up thinking about him and can't sleep again. Even with these feelings I would never betray my bf. I did my best to be honest with him about this and to not keep him around as an option. I tried telling him we should probably end things, but he doesn't want that and still thinks we can fix things. I've emotionally moved on but he won't accept this. I don't know if my bf is right for reacting in this way. I care for him but genuinely feel he is not the one for me anymore. What should we do about this?

  2. #2
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    You owe it to your boyfriend to be honest with him. Before you even start thinking about another man, you need to let the current one go. And don't let him talk you in to staying in a relationship. Simply tell him, firmly, that you are ending things (YOU--own it).

    Until you do this, falling for another guy isn't an option. So pick up your feet and be careful of stuff that could trip you. If you truly are interested in the coworker, you don't want to date him until you are single...he won't respect you otherwise.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What loyal said^^.

    Without scalding him with every detail, just sit your boyfriend down and tell him you are no longer happy in the relationship—that your feelings aren't where you need them to be to remain committed to each other and that it would be unfair, to both of you, to continue. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, he will have questions. You just hold that line—because it's your truth—and then you move on.

    The new guy? Look, it's very common, when we're unhappy, to fixate on another person, especially one with different qualities than the person we're with. The thing you described with your current boyfriend, about "making up the rest with your imagination," is at least in part what you are doing now with this man. When we're very thirsty, after all, a puddle can look like a tropical beach.

    Point being, the new guy, right now, is a catalyst helping you clarify what is most important: that it is time for your relationship to end. Do that. Should the new guy evolve into something more—something real, rather than a fantastical answer to your current dilemma—it will then evolve from a genuine place, a clean slate, not one that is murky and fragile.

    You've already learned, in this relationship, what happens when we try to build something atop a murky, fragile, fantasy-based foundation. No need to repeat that.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Since your boyfriend refuses to accept your breaking up with him, you'll have to make it final with him by being extremely firm. Your boyfriend has the right to feel the way he does, however, he doesn't have the right to refuse to break up with you and hang onto the relationship against your will. If telling him gently that it's over doesn't work, you'll have to become more extreme by severing all contact with him. Forewarn him that you don't wish to resort to ghosting and blocking him. You'll have to really put your foot down on this until he truly gets the message.

    Then proceed with the new guy. First things first. Do things in order.

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  6. #5
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    Your bf doesn’t need to “agree” with the breakup. He just needs to accept it. You just need to inform him of the decision. That’s it.

    For what it’s worth, I do agree that it makes sense to end the relationship.

    It’s ok to date people of different religions, races, socio-economic status, etc - as long as you both “own” it. “Owning” it means standing up to people who disagree and saying “THIS is the person that I choose to love - and if you want ME in your life, you will treat them with the love, dignity and respect that they deserve”.

    If your partner can’t or won’t “own” it, you need to walk. Always. You can’t and shouldn’t be made to feel “less than” for who you are. And the truth is... if they can’t “own” it from the start... they care waaaay too much about the opinions of those people and it will forever be a battle and strife.

    Break up. Move on. Maybe that cute guy at the office will work out. But I agree... in that order.

  7. #6
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    So, you are a secret. Why would you continue with someone that you have no future with? What a waste of your life.

    He does not love you, or he would not have kept you on the periphery of his life.

    End this.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    There is no such thing as 'trying' to break up with someone--you either do it, or you don't. His willingness to accept reality doesn't dictate the outcome, you do.

    While it takes two to keep a relationship together, it only takes one to break it. Since you've already put him on notice but had difficulty walking way, I'd skip an in-person meeting and just finalize your decision over the phone.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage? Have you met in person? You're very incompatible. Break up, rather than "fall for another guy".
    Originally Posted by SavanahGram
    We have been together nearly two years but I never got to meet his parents or anyone else in his life. We were just too exclusive. And he comes from a Muslim family and they would be upset for him being with a non-Muslim.

    I started to fall for another guy.

  10. #9
    No he is not scheduled for an arranged marriage. And yes we met in person like two years ago. I don't think he intentionally kept me from his family; he just couldn't face dealing with the problems/friction it might cause. And he regrets this now. But I think it prevented my connection to him from growing naturally (and the damage probably can't be undone now).


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