Did he breakup with me?

I’m in my 40s and this is the first relationship that I’m not sure if he broke up with me or not.

My ex bf of a year plus only uses texts as a form of communication. It aggravates the hell out of me. I’ve told him that I would prefer a phone call for serious stuff. Mind you it’s long distance. You would think he’d want to FaceTime me sometimes. Nope. As far as I know he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I told him that let’s set a time on his day off when we can FaceTime. I think we did that twice. I stopped complaining because even though we were “exclusive” we hadn’t made it official. We’d never said “I love you” even though I was already in love with and I felt he was in love with me too.

Last month he said he loved me and I said it too and we made it official. So I was like great maybe he will start making time to call me. He didn’t. So I would call him and he wouldn’t pick up and would respond with a text hours later. I would tell him I still want to FaceTime him. Nothing. He would go cold for 3 days. So last Friday (almost 2 weeks ago). I brought it up again. This time he snapped and basically accused me of “forcing” him into a relationship. I was taken aback. So I was like ok. I didn’t break up with him. But he said I just “assumed” that the relationship had moved to the next step. I was like I wish it were done via text but this conversation happened in person.

So I asked him what does he want to do? He responded “let’s see how things go”. I told him I could not accept that answer. I needed to know where he stood. He never responded to that text. This was 12 days ago. I told myself I wasn’t going to contact him. In the past I would be the one to reach out to him after a disagreement. But this time I feel like the ball was in his court. I thought maybe after a couple days he would cool off and reach out to me. But nothing. I can’t bring myself to contact him. I want to assume that we’ve broken up because this is not the kind of relationship I want. But at the same time we didn’t explicitly breakup.

What should I do?

Have you met?

How much time do you spend with him in person? Not over an electronic device but actually physically together?

Can I ask how many times you've met in person over the past year?

I think the thing to focus on right now is not the technicalities—together, apart, etc.—but if there is anything here worth continuing to invest time in. It all sounds awfully vague, a relationship that existed more over text messages, with the frustration of it not existing more on FaceTime, rather than something that you guys were building together.

I kind of think the bar of what "I love you" means should be much higher than signifying a switch from text to calls and FaceTime, but a mutual appreciation of one another and a thrilling sense of being on the same page. It's kind of three words to define something that is, not what might be, or what will suddenly change and get good, now that the words have been uttered.

In terms of the present situation—well, I don't know what to tell you. Me, I'd have a lot of trouble believing in a relationship with someone who vanishes for 12 days during a moment of conflict and emotional vulnerability. So I'd just label it a breakup, for myself, and start moving on. If you want to stay open, you can do that it silence, knowing the only way you can possibly engage is if he gets back to you. Or you can reach out.

But really I'm not sure what juice there is to squeeze from this whole thing. You are long distance. He's not particularly invested-sounding, and never has been. Is the goal to see if you can work through this, patch things up, and one day FaceTime more than text?

Haha. Of course. It’s long distance not virtual.

Have you met?

Yes. It’s long distance not virtual

How many times have you seen him? How long have you been dating?

Can I ask how many times you've met in person over the past year?

 

 

I think the thing to focus on right now is not the technicalities—together, apart, etc.—but if there is anything here worth continuing to invest time in. It all sounds awfully vague, a relationship that existed more over text messages, with the frustration of it not existing more on FaceTime, rather than something that you guys were building together.

 

I kind of think the bar of what "I love you" means should be much higher than signifying a switch from text to calls and FaceTime, but a mutual appreciation of one another and a thrilling sense of being on the same page. It's kind of three words to define something that is, not what might be, or what will suddenly change and get good, now that the words have been uttered.

 

In terms of the present situation—well, I don't know what to tell you. Me, I'd have a lot of trouble believing in a relationship with someone who vanishes for 12 days during a moment of conflict and emotional vulnerability. So I'd just label it a breakup, for myself, and start moving on. If you want to stay open, you can do that it silence, knowing the only way you can possibly engage is if he gets back to you. Or you can reach out.

 

But really I'm not sure what juice there is to squeeze from this whole thing. You are long distance. He's not particularly invested-sounding, and never has been. Is the goal to see if you can work through this, patch things up, and one day FaceTime more than text?

We tried to see at least once a month. But that didn’t always happen. A lot you’ve written here s what I’ve spent the last 12 days thinking about. Which is probably why I think it’s best for me to let it go and assume it’s a breakup.

There was no discussion. He just snapped at me which is something he’s never done. As far as being on the same page we were in the sense that we both wanted the same thing. Which is for us to be together in the same city.

But it boils down to the fact that I feel like I deserve better than this. I was willing to deal with the lack of phone contact because our long term plan (the next year) was to live in the same city. I feel like he is emotionally unavailable even though he says he wants the commitment. This is the most bizarre “relationship” I’ve ever been in. I have decided that if he does contact me I will let him know that I am no longer interested in the relationship with him. I can’t have a partner that has this level of communication issues. He is not a talker. I mean like he doesn’t talk. Half the time I have to pry things out of him. If I ask his opinion on a decision that affects us his response is usually “if you like” or “whatever you want “ or I’m ok with that. Then if I follow up with how do you feel? He’d say I’m ok. Drove me nuts! As a matter of fact when he had this outburst I was glad that he was telling me how he feels.

Bottom line is I am done.

How much time do you spend with him in person? Not over an electronic device but actually physically together?

We met last year July. He was on a business trip in my city. I went to see him October last year for the first time. Then about once or twice a month.

Let me preface all of this that in our culture some people get married without even meeting. We chose otherwise because of our age.

Of course you deserve better.

Why would you want a relationship where you only saw one another once a month?

Clearly his actions through communication showed that he is not in love, or even invested in the relationship. Always follow one's actions.

Sadly, it sounds like you were not the only person in his life. How do you not know if he is married or has a gf?

Next time, do not settle for such shoddy treatment. Expect more from a partner. I also suggest you date local, so that you can interact on a regular basis.

be done with this, and address why you would choose this situation? The relationship sounds miserable.

Of course you deserve better.

 

Why would you want a relationship where you only saw one another once a month?

 

Clearly his actions through communication showed that he is not in love, or even invested in the relationship. Always follow one's actions.

 

Sadly, it sounds like you were not the only person in his life. How do you not know if he is married or has a gf?

 

Next time, do not settle for such shoddy treatment. Expect more from a partner. I also suggest you date local, so that you can interact on a regular basis.

 

be done with this, and address why you would choose this situation? The relationship sounds miserable.

I know he isn’t married and I know he doesn’t have a girlfriend. I suspect he feels he can get something “better” and if he doesn’t he will come back to me. I say this because of what he said “let’s see how things go”. I chuckled to myself because I’ve heard that statement before. He wants me to be on the back burner for when he needs an ego stroke or whatever.

He sounds like he has a girlfriend.

He sounds like he has a girlfriend.

If he does then it happened within the last month.

If he does then it happened within the last month.

Why do you say that?

I know he isn’t married and I know he doesn’t have a girlfriend. I suspect he feels he can get something “better” and if he doesn’t he will come back to me. I say this because of what he said “let’s see how things go”. I chuckled to myself because I’ve heard that statement before. He wants me to be on the back burner for when he needs an ego stroke or whatever.

Why was this ever acceptable for you? You need to get your self respect in check.

I would bet money that there is someone else.

If he does then it happened within the last month.

I think that you are quite naive. Not tying to be mean, but realistic.

Why do you say that?

I didn’t feel like he did. This is the first time he’s addressed me this way. We just came back from vacation mid June. We went overseas.

My gut and intuition never told me he does until now. Plus I’ve done my own “research”. I feel like he’s found a new love interest or something that he’s chasing.

Why was this ever acceptable for you? You need to get your self respect in check.

 

I would bet money that there is someone else.

Oh no! I didn’t accept it. I told him flat out that I won’t accept that answer and he never responded back. I was in an on again off again relationship with a man who made that statement for FIVE years! I’m never doing that again. Trust me.

I do feel like he has a new love interest recently. Not while we were together.

I told him I could not accept that answer. I needed to know where he stood. He never responded to that text. This was 12 days ago

12 days? This would be all the answer I needed.

I think that you are quite naive. Not tying to be mean, but realistic.

I’m far from naive. Lol

12 days? This would be all the answer I needed.

I know. I was going to wait till day 14 before I block him for good.

Only because my ego wants to tell him to go eat

s—t. if he does text a lame “hi” So day 14 he will be blocked for sure.

Why did you tolerate this:

"My ex bf of a year plus only uses texts as a form of communication. It aggravates the hell out of me. I’ve told him that I would prefer a phone call for serious stuff. Mind you it’s long distance. You would think he’d want to FaceTime me sometimes. Nope. As far as I know he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I told him that let’s set a time on his day off when we can FaceTime. I think we did that twice. I stopped complaining because even though we were “exclusive” we hadn’t made it official."

I know. I was going to wait till day 14 before I block him for good.

Only because my ego wants to tell him to go eat

s—t. if he does text a lame “hi” So day 14 he will be blocked for sure.

Good grief! Just do it already. You have already allowed way too much. he does not care!

I think you should address how you allow men to treat you. It does not sound like they respect you, or consider themselves to be in a relationship. it sounds very one-sided.

I didn’t feel like he did.

This is incredibly naive thinking on your part.

If he can avoid your calls, he can certainly avoid a girlfriend's calls by pretending to be away on business (or any other palatable excuse) when he was actually with you. Some people are masters at lying and hiding things. You not feeling like he is dating someone is not evidence that he is not dating someone. You hope he's not, of course, but I would say that probability is high that he actually is and has been for a long time. You have been way too passive in allowing him to get away with never calling you, never taking your calls, not being official with you - he could easily be living a double life and it would sail right over your head, unfortunately.

At the risk of being blunt, you need to wake up, my friend.

This is incredibly naive thinking on your part.

 

If he can avoid your calls, he can certainly avoid a girlfriend's calls by pretending to be away on business (or any other palatable excuse) when he was actually with you. Some people are masters at lying and hiding things. You not feeling like he is dating someone is not evidence that he is not dating someone. You hope he's not, of course, but I would say that probability is high that he actually is and has been for a long time. You have been way too passive in allowing him to get away with never calling you, never taking your calls, not being official with you - he could easily be living a double life and it would sail right over your head, unfortunately.

 

At the risk of being blunt, you need to wake up, my friend.

Yes. And, there seems to be a pattern for the OP.