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Thread: Ex fiance broke up with me after 3.5 years + plenty more

  1. #1
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    Ex fiance broke up with me after 3.5 years + plenty more

    Warning: this is LONG. (because how important it is to me)

    Me and my Ex have been together for 3.5 years. We own a house together for just under a year now (makes things extremely difficult and weird) and have lived together for pretty much the entire relationship. We first met when she was 16 and I was 22. I had strong feelings for her then, only emotionally. Her personality and mine were so incredibly compatible that it was strange, considering the age difference and the fact she was 16. 2 years passed, one without contact, and she turned 18. I had been in a relationship until about 2 months after she turned 18. Shortly after my previous relationship ended we had started hanging out and being intimate. I had the time of my life with her and formed a very strong bond with her very quickly. We officially started dating roughly 3 months after hanging out. A year later we moved into an apartment together. And after a year and a half of being in an apartment together we decided to buy a house.

    Buying the house was extremely stressful for me because I had taken it upon myself to take care of most/all of the paperwork and work to get the mortgage broker work done. I had started to become very snippy and irritable. After finalizing the house we spent 2.5 months working on updating and fixing up the house. I did the majority of the work myself without any previous knowledge of any home remodeling. In the middle of the remodel I had asked for her hand in marriage after asking her parents for permission. Again caused alot of stress and irritability. So after we finally moved in I made it pretty clear that I just wanted to enjoy the house and relax the majority of the time for a while. 5 or 6 months past and the majority of the time we spent on the couch watching TV and movies. We got stagnant and complacent.

    A little back story, we were very active. Alot of time spent outdoors or doing activities. We are both very creative and artistic. I designed her ring and ringbox myself and even carved her ring box by hand (a treasure chest with an octopus on top). We spent just about every day together no matter what we'd be doing. We were perfect together. Never fought, always showed affection, had no problem talking out problems. She told me I was the first person she ever dated that didnt need any alone time with. She always expressed how excited she was to see me every day. We were truely happy and talked about marriage and (eventual) kids after about 1.5-2 years. We went on a vacation after about 4 months of dating to Seattle and really proved our love for each other. We spent those 5 days learning each other and creating amazing experiences. We shared interests and even became interested in those that we originally werent even on our radar. It was the ideal relationship. Everyone around us even told us so. Her biggest thing was going on vacations together and creating experiences with her. However with our financial responsibilities made it difficult.

    Back story 2, I had become very insecure and jealous of any guy she would talk about. On multiple occasions shed tell me she loved me and I'd respond by asking "are you sure?", or "do you? These were just reassurances I had wanted. Alot of times she went out with friends, when she got home I'd ask her alot of questions in an almost interrogating manner. It made her uncomfortable and made her feel like she couldnt go out without me acting that way.

    She is now 22 and I'm 28. After being in the house for roughly 8 to 10 months, things started to get stagnant and distant. We no longer were doing much but watching tv and cuddling on the couch. I had started drinking more and more just about every night because of financial stress and overall depression. On 3 occasions during this time I had gotten incredibly drunk and made a fool of myself. On two occasions 3 months before the breakup I had done very foolish things that could have gotten me in trouble or hurt. When I was drunk was when my insecurities came out most. For the last almost year of our relationship her communication with me about her problems rapidly slowed until it completely stopped about 3 months before the relationship ended. She never talked to me about what bothered her. (She told me post relationship that she gave me subtle hints, which were never obvious on my part.) I had been depressed and ready for a change, not from her, but with her. I wanted to improve on the relationship. I had decided after my second recent incident that I was no longer going to drink. I was ready to start going out and doing things with her again. At this point too late.

    The breakup: One day I was feeling depressed. She had just started school again and it was her second day. I came home and was moping around. She ignored the fact that i was depressed and tried to distract me by talking about school. I wasnt having it and really just wanted to talk to her about my feelings. I left angry and was upset with her for not talking to me about it. She went out that night and didnt come home till 3:30. She came home and said she needed a break to see what she wanted to do. I was understanding and accepting. She told me she would stay by her parents for a week and decide what she wanted to do. But she refused to tell me what was bothering her. The next night she came home and told me to ignore her and act like she wasnt there. I couldnt accept that and pushed the subject. I asked her if she already made a decision and just didnt want to tell me. She originally said no. After alot of desperation and pushing on my part she finally sat down and talked to me about our problems.

    The problems: We didnt go on vacation enough. I wasnt helping around the house enough. She hated my insecurities and jealousy. We werent doing anymore activities. My drinking incidents. (all manageable if communication was there in my opinion)

    After telling me the issues she told me that I was right and she did already decide she didnt want to be with me anymore. I was very desperate and told her i could change and needy telling her i couldnt live without her. I took it very roughly considering I did not see it coming. 2 weeks prior we finally got our two families to meet and that was very important to her. I felt like we were moving forward in the relationship.

    Post breakup: First 3 weeks were hell. We barely talked. Shed stay at friends houses alot while i remained in the house. I started to work on my problems and focus on myself. I started painting more. I tried to reconnect with old friends and hang out more/go out more. On multiple occasions we'd talk about the breakup and I just wanted to find any kind of explaination as to why she wouldnt give me a second chance or even try to fix the relationship. She just walked away without thinking twice about it and said "I'm sticking to my gut feeling." She asked me not to come home on one occasion as she was having friends over. (unfair in my opinion since its both of our house.) I accepted and didnt come home. I felt like it was a test to see if I would, she even admitted she expected me to come home. Fast forward to a month after the breakup, and she became more comfortable with the situation. She seemed calmer and started getting a little happier. While I was still miserable. I was just starting to finally go out more and act happier. Trying to convince myself I was alright. One day we were very flirty towards each other and she even admitted that it was a slip up. She took a shower and even told me she was going to walk out naked into another room. (as if inviting me to watch her walk around naked) We'd see each other a couple of times that week but not much talking unless i initiated. At this point she had started telling me she met a guy at school that she was hanging out with. She even wrote down his address and left it in the middle of the counter. (my opinion so i could see it and get jealous. if she needed the address she would have taken it with her, and the next day she took it off the counter.) So we are now 5 weeks after breakup and she had also told me she was going to take her new friend to a coffee house i frequently go to. (she could have gone anywhere else.) I stayed far away and never went while she was there. That weekend (5 weeks after) I tried one more time to get some information about the breakup to make any sort of sense of it, but still didnt get any closure. I had decided I was done talking about the breakup and I had to move on. So the following week I started going out every night and trying to do partial no contact. I was successful in not initating any conversation and started feeling comfortable and confident in myself. I'm starting to feel happy and enjoy life again. I went to a wedding on saturday (two days ago) and had a blast. She saw my social media updates and even commented yesterday that I finally seem happy (which i truely am). We talked for about 1.5 hours and had alot of laughs and even some frustration. But after the conversation I asked for a hug. Which we did and The feeling was incredible. It was like we were still together and all the feelings were still there. I could feel the tension between the two of us. (first physical contact between us in 1.5 months) We both backed off and were speechless. I stumbled for some words and couldnt find any. It was obvious she felt it too. "Yea... that was... dont you have somewhere to be?"

    So long story long, I'd still love to be with her, or at least get another chance to start over with her. Shes planning on moving out within the next few months. She had told me that in the future (1-2 years) if she still had feelings for me we might be able to get together. I cant and wont wait that long. I know I'll love her for the rest of my life. We even agreed to be somewhat close (eventually) catching up occasionally and being able to see our cats, since we agreed to each take one. Theres still alot more, but I really didnt want this to be any longer than it already is. I really dont know what to do. I'm ready to move on, but at the same time Shes the girl of my dreams and I can still see us together for the rest of our lives.

    Please help.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Dude she was way too young to be in a serious relationship...she needs to spread her wings and experience life on her own. Give it time...once you move on she won't be the girl of your dreams anymore. I have some other advice....seek out therapy for that depression before it ruins another relationship. I get it you want a partner to be your rock, but when it comes to clinical depression, that's when a therapist should handle it. It's not her responsibility to make you happy...that's all on you.

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    Ive continually asked her throughout the relationship if she was ready and wanted to move forward. Always saying yes. My depression has been manageable and ive been through therapy in the past. Ive learned my coping skills and have applied them. So im good on that front. I really wish it was as simple as moving on considering she felt that we were perfect for each other too. Kinda looking for more of an answer here. I dont want to finally move on and bam shes wanting to come back.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    All she knows is the depressed, jealous guy. She can't get invested into what if's. It appears it took her a long time to come to this decision and it wasn't made lightly. You'll have a hard time convincing her otherwise.

    I find it interesting you can account almost moment by moment the mistakes you both did, but at the same time you share how she should have spoken up and told you so? Where is your accountability for your part in the moment?

    I'm sorry. I know this must hurt. But you need to move forward and work on yourself.
    Depressed people shouldn't and basically can't participate fully in a healthy relationship.

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  6. #5
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    Ive accepted my part in the breakup and have worked tirelessly to make sure it doesnt happen again. Im no longer depressed on a daily basis and have improved alot in my life. I havent had a drink since the breakup, which makes things tougher but also makes things incredibly introspective and has improved my life greatly. Ive been talking to her about her intimate life after the breakup to work on my jealousy and have been proud about my strides ive taken

  7. #6
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    What happened the times you got drunk? Did really bad things happen? Could it be that you don't think they were that bad but she does?

    Right now she doesn't think you two are perfect for each other. She used to think that but she doesn't now. Trying to convince her she's wrong would be kind of an insult, don't you think?

    Relationships are voluntary. Right now she's choosing not to be in one with you. You can respect her wishes while still caring about her.

    There isn't "more of an answer" because you can't make her change her mind. All you can do is be the best you possible and either her or some other wonderful woman will notice and want to be with you.

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    Well I agree that age may be somewhat of a factor in this but I also think that maybe you didn't take some responsibility for some of your behaviours either. The level of jealousy and insecurity you had and the way you questioned her was not good. Unless you had some real proof or hints that she was cheating, you just need to trust your partner and let them have friends and have some alone time. I would also feel put off if every time I went out with friends, I encountered the Spanish Inquisition from my partner!

    Although I also think that yes, your girlfriend was probably too young for all the stuff like buying a house and marriage. For some of your relationship she was only a teenager! It's normal to just want to be carefree and hang out with friends and have fun (you were acting controlling). I remember when I was 19, I was seeing a much older guy (42) and he was so in love with me and talking moving in and marriage. I found that scary and off putting because I just wanted to hang out with my friends and go clubbing.

    Also dealing with a partner's depression requires I think A) Some knowledge and understanding about what depression is; and B) Maturity and resilience. My fiance has pretty bad depression and anxiety and I do have to support him with it at times. I do support him and will still get married. However, I'm 34 years old, I have qualifications in mental health and for six years have been working as a welfare worker for people with all kinds of mental health issues and disabilities. I imagine that if I had very little knowledge of depression and I was a 19-21-year-old, I probably wouldn't know what to say or do either.

    I'm not saying it's good that your ex-girlfriend dismissed your depression, but to me it seems like she was ignorant. It seems she thought if you were down, if she just changed the subject to something cheerful (e.g. school) and took your mind off it, it would go away. Some people just can't really relate to how depression actually works and that you can't just "snap out of it". Something to think about also is that if you do suffer from depression, a person that doesn't understand it may not be the right partner for you. You need someone that will accept and support you as you are. However, you do still have a responsibility to look after yourself and seek professional help for depression. And especially to address a bad drinking problem. Some people don't think it's as bad because it's legal, but really alcoholism is a drug addiction. You wouldn't disregard someone being a crystal meth addict so why is it OK to be an alcoholic? If your behaviours become bad and you become dependent on a substance then it does take its toll on your partner.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I get the feeling that you'd like someone on this website to tell you that there's a chance here—not only that, but that it will all happen in x amount of time so long as you do y and z. I get it, been there.

    Thing is? People are not variables in the equations of our lives, but their own mysterious equations. I can't help but feel you're struggling to remember that about her, to remember that she is the captain of her own story, not a character in yours. I also can't help but feel that she spent a good long time feeling that way inside the relationship, probably longer than you know. The drinking, the jealousy, the depression—it is really hard to see another person through that fog, and really hard for another person to be seen. So what feels sudden to you has likely been a long time brewing for her, and that's not something you can change and not something that a few weeks and a lingering hug changes, either.

    The advice I give people—and take myself—is to accept that a relationship is over, focus on yourself and the lessons, while accepting that you really have no idea what the future holds. That you can't control that, never could, and right now is a moment to get humble and vulnerable and comfortable with the uncertainty, rather than trying to staunch the pain by controlling an outcome.

    The way you're writing right now? It's as if you have your finger hovering over an "over it" button, but you don't want to press it in case she decides she wants back in. None of it works that way, though. That button doesn't exist. You've got waves of feelings ride before you're over it, as does she. Those are rides best taken separately, so you can each know who you are when the waves recede. Is that two people who end up together? Is that two people who were once together? Time is the only thing that knows that answer—not you, not her.

    She was very young when you got together, is very young still. Yet she seems to see things pretty clearly. She knows she needs, at minimum, a year or two to inhabit her skin. Hard to hear, I know, but listen to that. That is a woman telling you who she is—not easy stuff. Maybe something changes, maybe it doesn't, but you have to listen to what you are hearing now, see what you are seeing now. That's respecting another person, respecting reality, and respecting yourself—three important things that, I think, got lost in the whirl of the house and so on.

    Do people get back together and work out? Yes, they do. Is it because one person created a time line for the door to be open and spent that time dancing on hot coals? No. It happens because feelings are mysterious and real beauty can bloom when they are respected, rather than when we try to force someone to feel what we feel, see what we feel.

    I know this is hard, and likely not what you want to hear. But if you can switch the focus from her and place it on yourself—on the work you've just begun and know you need to do—I think you're going to be taking the steps you need to take right now.

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    Have you ever sought help for your depression?

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    I agree that she is too young for this, OP, and while it's not the only contributing factor it certainly plays a role.

    Of course she will tell you she isn't too young, but dude, she's 22. How many young folks do you know who honestly have the experience and maturity to commit to a lifetime? You have a young girl complaining you don't go on vacation enough, but yet have just bought and worked on a new house. A more mature person would realize vacations are going to be fewer and further between when adult financial responsibilities have to take precedence. This is just an example, but it's clear she needs time to grow up. Domestic life isn't for her at this point in her life.

    In conjunction with that, you are talking out both sides of your mouth. You say it was the ideal relationship, and that everyone thought so, but at the same time go on to admit there were problems with jealousy, communication, complacency, your depression and your drinking. That isn't ideal. There were some significant problems, but perhaps you didn't realize how much they were affecting the relationship as you sold yourself the story that everything was ideal and great.

    As blue suggested above, keep the focus on you now, and rectifying your own issues with booze and depression. Do some reflecting and ask yourself where the insecurity stemmed from too, and what drove you to interrogate her. That level of jealousy will destroy relationships, so it would be wise to address your self-esteem now so it doesn't create issues in future relationships.

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