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Thread: How long do I wait??

  1. #1

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    How long do I wait??

    I am seeking guidance to my situation as I've lost all hope and I have no idea what to do. I have been with my current partner for approaching 5yrs. He walked away from his last long-term relationship due to claimed domestic violence (as the victim). He was single for over a year when we met and I had been single (apart from a couple of short-term relationships) for nearly 7yrs. We have loads in common and I love him to bits but we have never have had any sex life. After a few months of being together I did question his lack of enthusiasm in that department but the response I got was that it was too soon. I understood what he was saying, he'd been through a lot with his ex so I was happy to be patient until he knew he could trust me 100%. The months went on....and have turned into years. He still shows no interest in an active sex life. I have raised the issue many times and said it's getting beyond a joke now, he can't keep blaming his ex when he hasn't been with her for 6yrs! To confirm we have NEVER had sex! He doesn't have a medical problem, he's able to get an erection with no problem and maintain it which is something I've discovered through the little times we've 'fumbled'. He says he doesn't have a high sex drive which I completely understand but nothing in 5yrs is just ridiculous as far as I'm concerned. He isn't prepared to commit in any other part of our relationship, theres no talk of us moving in together or anything even though I've mentioned it briefly. To be totally honest I don't feel like his partner, I feel like a friend who he wants to do things with and have a good time with when he's got nothing else to do. He has his pet names for me 'babes' and 'darling', but then he calls his daughters by the same names, I've told him before that I feel more like one of 'his girls' which is what he actually referred me to on one occasion. We had a favourite 'our song' which we chose and then I saw him singing along to it and dancing with his daughter who said it was 'their song'. I just don't feel special or important to him. I feel like we have nothing of any value but I do love and respect him and whenever I question him he says he loves me too. He's not prepared to get any help for his issues, I've offered to go with him to talk to someone but I think he'd be more prepared to let me walk away than to try and sort it which to me says our relationship isn't important to him. After nearly 5yrs am I wasting my time? I don't want a life of celibacy, I'm in my sexual peak but regardless of how many times I bring this up, it isn't making any difference!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Yes, after 5 years, you're wasting your time. He's more than prepared to let you walk, so walk.

  3. #3

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    Thanks Cherylyn, thats exactly how I feel.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Yes, after 5 years, you're wasting your time. He's more than prepared to let you walk, so walk.
    Agreed. What's more surprising then his lack of sex drive and commitment issues, is the fact that you've hung around in spite of all of this, waiting.

    To answer your question - how long do you wait? Maybe the first 6 months was more than patient. I can't understand 5 years of this.

    Don't you believe you deserve it?

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  6. #5
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    I'm just genuinely really confused as to why you'd continue the relationship after a few months if it was fairly clear he didn't want to have sex with you? I'm not sure if it's the abuse from his partner that made him feel this way....Some people actually are asexual and they still want love and companionship, but they just really don't care about sex and don't feel like it. My ex was similar to this so after 1.5 years I ended the relationship. You do want sex so why did you continue? I think after 5 years it's fairly clear the sex will not be happening.

  7. #6
    I just broke up with my bf for same issues. Been together more than 5 years. First 4 months were great, sexually. And then it stopped. Weird excuses etc. And lazy just on the couch all night or day when he is free.
    I chose for my own happiness and self worth so should you. It won't change. If he has such a problem with his ex he should have gotten help before getting involved again. Because now he is just hurting you.

  8. #7
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    You're right, it's ridiculous - that you have stayed this long in a sexless relationship. Why have you put up with this for 5 years? It boggles the mind.

    It's beyond time to move on. He doesn't see you as a romantic partner and it's not going to change.

  9. #8

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    Thank you all for your replies. I know it seems weird me hanging around for this long but he's genuinely a really nice guy. He admits he needs to get the issue sorted but just refuses to sort it. I suppose I've stayed in the hope that one day something will change. I've always tried to be understanding and at first thought he just needed time but I did tell him a few months ago that he can't keep using his last relationship as the excuse, he left her 6yrs ago!!

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by BecauseImWor
    Thank you all for your replies. I know it seems weird me hanging around for this long but he's genuinely a really nice guy. He admits he needs to get the issue sorted but just refuses to sort it. I suppose I've stayed in the hope that one day something will change. I've always tried to be understanding and at first thought he just needed time but I did tell him a few months ago that he can't keep using his last relationship as the excuse, he left her 6yrs ago!!
    “claimed domestic violence” but not confirmed?
    So just his words?

    Sounds to me like he only ever had sex to procreate? Sounds like he is asexual but won’t admit it?

    You are not his lover and you are not his friend either.
    You are simply someone masking what he doesn’t want anyone to know. And so far you have done a great job of that. Outwardly people see him in a “loving” relationship. That’s all he wants.

    But there is no love, only companionship.

    I’m not too concerned about him , I’m more concerned about you and why you feel that it’s ok to not have a basic human need fulfilled?
    Have you considered asking him to have an open relationship?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BecauseImWor
    Thank you all for your replies. I know it seems weird me hanging around for this long but he's genuinely a really nice guy. He admits he needs to get the issue sorted but just refuses to sort it. I suppose I've stayed in the hope that one day something will change. I've always tried to be understanding and at first thought he just needed time but I did tell him a few months ago that he can't keep using his last relationship as the excuse, he left her 6yrs ago!!
    Is he nice? He won't seek help for his alleged issues. Won't have sex, aka will not fulfill a basic need in a relationship between two people. Treats you like a child. Lies to you in the sense that what's supposed to be "special" between you really isn't. You admit yourself that you don't feel good or happy in this relationship because of how he treats you. You don't feel like a partner or even like a woman. He treats you like a convenience when it's convenient for him. What on earth is nice about any of that? Seems like you have shrunken your own self and your basic needs to such a tiny low just to stick around. There is another word for it - mindfck and he is doing that to you in plenty if you think he is nice. There is something very very wrong with him, but it's not the story that he told you. Long past due for you to stop excusing his behavior and walk away.

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