Possible relationship conflict

Hi I am 34 years old and female. I am in a relationship with a 42 year old guy but there is a 37 year old guy at work that I think likes me, I can't be completely sure?

So he and I worked together for 15 months (I wasn't meant to be there for that long) but I liked working there and they liked me working there. He keeps to himself most of the time but there were times when he and I were alone and we would chat about things outside of work that he didn't really do with anyone else.

He took me off for a talk the day after I had a "confidence crisis" and he was really supportive and positive, which I have been told he doesn't do with anyone else. Anything regarding my performance with them he would suddenly light up and come over really happy (I have been told he hasn't been in the best of moods for no one remembers how long) He would sit very close to me, legs apart and almost touching as well, and he would hold open doors for me, pick up something that fell off my chair and give it to me, etc.

I went to the department's Christmas party the year just gone (I had only just left but I was invited to it anyway) and it started off at this guy's house. As I passed in front of him I caught him out of the corner of my eye moving his gaze down the back of my dress (it wasn't backless but you could see my shoulder blades and the top of my back) and he didn't move away or back away despite there being enough clearance for him to do so.

As I chatted to one of the guys I used to work with I noticed the guy in question watching us both very intently and when I said something to him he got slightly abrupt with me. (he is quite a direct person anyway so I presumed how he spoke was just the way he is)

About a month later he acknowledged me in passing and the second time we passed that same day I noticed him look at my legs and butt before looking back up at my eyes and grinning widely. I quickly looked away at the floor and smiled coyly.

I have spoken to the others on my old team and there have been about two or three occasions where this guy would hover about nearby (there is a water fountain on our floor) and watch me intently when I am chatting to them. When he approaches me (not to talk) he glances at me and one occasion I caught him looking at my back and then touching his face, another time he chats to someone else but turns and looks straight ahead at me.

Every time he comes nearby I come over all tense and my legs start to shake after I go somewhere else to calm down. I shouldn't have to do this because I like him as a friend and he doesn't talk to anyone else the way he has done with me. I am aware he lives on his own and by the looks of things has a very small social circle (I believe with just guys from work, I could be wrong).

Because of the times he's been checking me this has made me on edge, I guess?

I just don't know how to play this, really. Any advice would be appreciated, it's messing with my head!

Thanks :)

Hi I am 34 years old and female. I am in a relationship with a 42 year old guy but there is a 37 year old guy at work that I think likes me, I can't be completely sure?

 

So he and I worked together for 15 months (I wasn't meant to be there for that long) but I liked working there and they liked me working there. He keeps to himself most of the time but there were times when he and I were alone and we would chat about things outside of work that he didn't really do with anyone else.

 

He took me off for a talk the day after I had a "confidence crisis" and he was really supportive and positive, which I have been told he doesn't do with anyone else. Anything regarding my performance with them he would suddenly light up and come over really happy (I have been told he hasn't been in the best of moods for no one remembers how long) He would sit very close to me, legs apart and almost touching as well, and he would hold open doors for me, pick up something that fell off my chair and give it to me, etc.

 

I went to the department's Christmas party the year just gone (I had only just left but I was invited to it anyway) and it started off at this guy's house. As I passed in front of him I caught him out of the corner of my eye moving his gaze down the back of my dress (it wasn't backless but you could see my shoulder blades and the top of my back) and he didn't move away or back away despite there being enough clearance for him to do so.

 

As I chatted to one of the guys I used to work with I noticed the guy in question watching us both very intently and when I said something to him he got slightly abrupt with me. (he is quite a direct person anyway so I presumed how he spoke was just the way he is)

 

About a month later he acknowledged me in passing and the second time we passed that same day I noticed him look at my legs and butt before looking back up at my eyes and grinning widely. I quickly looked away at the floor and smiled coyly.

 

I have spoken to the others on my old team and there have been about two or three occasions where this guy would hover about nearby (there is a water fountain on our floor) and watch me intently when I am chatting to them. When he approaches me (not to talk) he glances at me and one occasion I caught him looking at my back and then touching his face, another time he chats to someone else but turns and looks straight ahead at me.

 

Every time he comes nearby I come over all tense and my legs start to shake after I go somewhere else to calm down. I shouldn't have to do this because I like him as a friend and he doesn't talk to anyone else the way he has done with me. I am aware he lives on his own and by the looks of things has a very small social circle (I believe with just guys from work, I could be wrong).

 

Because of the times he's been checking me this has made me on edge, I guess?

 

I just don't know how to play this, really. Any advice would be appreciated, it's messing with my head!

 

Thanks :)

It sounds like you might enjoy the attention!

Are you wanting things to progress? Or are you wanting him to stop?

Always finish your old business before starting something new. If you set the new guy up first with the goal of leapfrogging over to him, he'll get a front row seat to witness your capacity for disloyalty. So even if he 'wins,' it will occur to him that you're not exactly trustworthy, and that relationship will lay a toxic egg.

You've got a boyfriend, you shouldn't be noticing any man noticing you like this or encouraging it.

You should stop being friendly, tell him to back off and that would be the end of it.

However, if you are enjoying it, break up with your boyfriend first before you start looking at another man or taking this much interest.

You seem to be paying a lot of attention to what this guy is doing and some of it sounds to me like a colleague just being polite. If you were happy with your boyfriend I don't think you'd notice this other guy supposedly checking you out or if you did, you wouldn't care.

Does the office guy know you're in a relationship?

Every time he comes nearby I come over all tense and my legs start to shake after I go somewhere else to calm down. I shouldn't have to do this because I like him as a friend and he doesn't talk to anyone else the way he has done with me. I am aware he lives on his own and by the looks of things has a very small social circle (I believe with just guys from work, I could be wrong).

Girl, come on. It's obvious you have a crush on him, too.

Finding someone attractive is one thing. But asking how to "play this" is something entirely different. So long as you have a boyfriend, there is nothing to "play."

Who cares if he likes you or not - you are in a relationship. Or are you someone where you just let things happen to you in life? He also might not like you in that way - is just being friendly he just likes you as a person/coworker and looked at your legs because you had toilet paper stuck to them, crazy shoes or he just wasn't aware he was doing it -- just because he notices someone's rear doesn't mean he wants their bod.

What about your relationship is making you think about straying?

Make a choice first about your current relationship. Do you want to stay committed to him. If so stop playing with fire. If the benefits of getting this guys attention on your various body parts and flirting with you excites you more than being with your boyfriend then end things with your boyfriend so you are free to pursue this other guy. That way there’s no playing involved just direct reactions to this guy’s seeming attraction to you. Of course just because he’s checking you out doesn’t mean he wants to date you.

I think you need to confront your current relationship. Something isn’t right if you’re picking up such detail about the other guy and the way he acts around you. Time to be honest with yourself and fair to your current boyfriend.

Sounds like a paperback romance novel replete with quivering and glances. Do you live with your bf?

What is it, exactly, that you are looking to "play?"

If you were single, I'd say it's time to take a deep breath and a break from the romance novels, so you can see what's actually what with Mr. Mystery Man—where your obsession ends and reality begins. But that's a pretty big if, of course, since you are not single.

I can't help but read all those words—about black dresses, shoulder blades, and smoldering glances—as a gauzier means of expressing discontent in your current relationship and a reluctance to address that reality in favor of sidestepping it with fantasy.

There is no shortage of attractive men on the planet who might (or might not! or might!) appreciate your scapula. They will do this whether you are in a relationship or not. If you are at place in you life where sidelong glances at your derrière, either real or imagined, are more exciting than the relationship you're in then I'd say embrace that by getting out of the relationship so you can live your truth without hurting others.

Ask your bf what he thinks.

It's up to you to place boundaries on yourself when in a relationship, so that you don't steer yourself towards crushes and have emotional affairs with other guys who shouldn't be taking up so much space in your brain.

The fact that you've let yourself do this means that there is an emotional connection missing with your bf. Either care enough to get that spark back by injecting your own efforts into it, and communicate to him what you want from him to get back to a good place, or end it with him so he can be free to be with a woman who is crazy about him.

Some of the looks you describe from your co-worker sounds more like creepy leering to me. In my opinion, a normal sort of guy would of course check out an attractive girl, but would be more discreet about it. People who ogle want you to notice and they get a sick thrill from it. Also, not moving so your body might press against or touch his while you tried to get by is also inappropriate behavior. Could be why he doesn't have a gf if he goes around doing this.

Most new relationships don't work out, so think of how it will be if you dated your co-worker and it ended. It's pretty awkward to see an ex every day at work, and the office gossip might hurt you professionally. It's less risky to seek romance outside of the workplace.

Legs shaking when someone approaches sounds like a medical condition. Don't take this lightly! Go see your GP.

A good rule is that if some new guy makes you moist and you are in a committed relationship, then back away from contact. It really has nothing to do with your current relationship and it does not have to mean anything other than pheromones reacting.

However, if you do not back off? Then exit your current relationship before reacting more concretely with this new guy.

The language you use in your post sounds like you're quite infatuated with this colleague! Doesn't sound like you only like him as a friend. Where does your boyfriend fit into all of this? It's OK to have a crush but if you're in a monogamous relationship then the answer to "How should I play this?" Is "Do nothing". Keep in mind too that just because this guy is ogling you doesn't mean he actually really likes you. He could just be perving on you and also perving on other women. Other than that you barely know each other.

OKay, so from what I get from your post is that at some point you have gained a little crush on this guy. This is not a bad thing, it happens all the time to people in relationships. However, feeling this crush has caused a moral dilemma and it sounds like you are not interested in pursuing this further. That's fine, your choice, after all you do have a boyfriend.

However, this has made you hyper sensitive to this other guys attention, which you liked at one point and he picked up on. Now, his attention is creeping you out and causing you to feel overly nervous around him. No doubt, if you have any shred of attractiveness to men, every single guy in your office has repeatedly checked you out and likely do, every single day, just not blantantly. However, he might do it a little more opening as a means of flirting because he sensed this prior interest from you.

Your question on how to 'play' this, I take to mean, 'how do I address this so I stop feeling this way.' I don't think this is something you should go crazy and throw HR at him for, but if you are feeling uncomfortable, don't sit around and just let it continue. I suggest getting your confidence on and talk to the guy. Set some boundaries. You got a boyfriend and are happy. Call him out on his staring at your butt, but not in a mean or overly salty way, just enough to embarrass him into stopping. Take control of the situation, '[insert his name] are you staring at my butt again?' loud enough for others to hear.

if, however, you do want his attention, split up with the bf and go for it.