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Thread: I'm terrified...

  1. #21
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    I think that the excuse of "i want to buy, not rent" is a flimsy one. He needs to be on his own without dad waiting on him hand and foot and him taking advantage of it. he may have a disorder, but he is gainfully employed at a job that people that do not have sensory issues also have. If he pays no bills, he has money saved to rent or even buy a small condo perhaps. If he has few life skills that also falls on you as parents. I knew someone who had a daughter that needed help dressing and one day she was 10, they decided to let her figure it out. She screamed and cried and it took awhile, but she eventually got dressed. Granted, they made sure to replace her buttons with velcro and bought clothing with snaps and no ties, etc. And you know what, she gained confidence in herself and after awhile it took her 15 minutes instead of an hour to get dressed. There has to be some tough love. and the reason why is that they wanted to see if she could do it, AND they wanted their daughter to have some independence if something happened to them.

    Separate out what is a real problem and what is a problem because he never had to do it.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I don't know what is available there but you can look into him going into a group home where they have a counselor on staff 24/7 to make sure they are taking their meds, etc. It sounds to me he needs help in a controlled environment, where he is monitored properly. I know mental illness is a tough one, but you can only do so much. He's an adult, he needs to take responsibility and deal with it. Coming home and moving in is only enabling the bad behavior, and taking advantage of you. he needs some tough love.

  3. #23
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    How will he be able to manage maintaining his own home? Will he do yard work, home maintenance, pay utility bills on time? Or does he expect you to handle all that?

  4. #24
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    I just now.. I was at home till I was 24 and while there did very little.. Had wonderful parents.. When I got out on my own... looked after everything.. I think that is typical of kids.. The trick is trying to get him to live more independently under my roof.. You have hear the old saying.. Its just easier to do it myself..

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  6. #25
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    Well, it is easier to it myself bites you in the azz whether they are 4 or 24. Never do for someone what they can do for them selves .
    Originally Posted by gary1958
    I just now.. I was at home till I was 24 and while there did very little.. Had wonderful parents.. When I got out on my own... looked after everything.. I think that is typical of kids.. The trick is trying to get him to live more independently under my roof.. You have hear the old saying.. Its just easier to do it myself..

  7. #26
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by gary1958
    I just now.. I was at home till I was 24 and while there did very little.. Had wonderful parents.. When I got out on my own... looked after everything.. I think that is typical of kids.. The trick is trying to get him to live more independently under my roof.. You have hear the old saying.. Its just easier to do it myself..
    First of all, it's not normal to live that long at home. Maybe it worked out for you, but doesn't mean that you carry that forward and treat your ADULT son the same way. So far, from all your posting, the real problem that I see is you, OP. You have some serious psychological and emotional issues. You are literally preventing your son from growing up, moving on, being an adult. No surprise that he is angry or thinks about joining the army. He needs to get the eff away from your control.

    Do yourself a favor and get counseling for yourself. What you are doing, the way you are treating your son, the way you are living your life is beyond unhealthy, it's nuts. Bates Motel kind of nuts. Your son went to college, can maintain a full time job - he can live on his own. It's you who is creating a problem and by that, causing severe developmental damage to your son.

    All this nonsense about his mother abandoning him....wth? It'd be interesting to hear what she'd have to say about you, OP. Seems like the lady is healthy and had good reasons to leave you. She is also allowing her son to move on and be an adult. Something you need to figure out how to do. Get counseling, you need it.

  8. #27
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    It's "easier" to just do it yourself? So, you do realize YOU are doing this to yourself. Not his mom who abandoned him or anything. You are choosing to put yourself in this position when you refuse to allow him to be a self sufficient adult.

    Also, eventually you'll be gone. If you persist in doing things for him, how's he supposed to make do when you're no longer living?

  9. #28
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    I'm not a parent so probably can't relate on that front, but I do work with people with disabilities and mental health conditions as a job. I've been doing that work for six years so I do have understanding about this situation. To be honest it sounds to me like you have coddled and enabled your son. You can't exactly blame him for that. While you want him to be independent and do all these things, you are not letting him or encouraging him to do it.

    I understand he has anger issues, but in what other ways does the disability manifest itself? What CAN he do? In my disability studies and work, we were always told to focus on the person's strengths and skills and not on their shortcomings.

    A lot of people with disabilities actually can do more than you might think. I'd noticed that when parents really pushed their disabled child to do things on their own, they do learn the skills. I worked with a woman with intellectual disability and also cerebral palsy. She was in a wheelchair but she was actually married and lived in her own place with her husband. She had worked at a workplace for people with disabilities for 13 years and she met her husband there. She did have a carer come most days to help cook, clean and drive her places. But other than that she was very independent. She could barely use her legs but she still preferred to try to walk on crutches and she worked out a lot at the gym. Don't forget she had intellectual disability too. She never let that stop her.

    The young man your son's age that I currently work with has intellectual disability, cerebral palsy and epileptic seizures. His parents have brought him up to be as independent as possible. He volunteers twice a week in a thrift store, does paid work once a week delivering catalogues. He is currently learning to cook by taking classes. He does all self-care himself but he can't live alone because he could die while having a seizure. The parents got him a companion dog that alerts for seizures so now he has even more independence. They are thinking to let him move out into a monitored apartment or something like that.

    Do you receive any welfare support for your son at all? I think you need to seek funding as well as support worker assistance to help your son live independently. You should not be always doing everything for him. Wherever possible he should be doing things himself. He should be working or volunteering. The anger can also come from feeling bored and excluded from participating in the community. Most people with disabilities can do SOMETHING. The idea is to assist them as little as possible as a parent or worker once they are an adult.

    I've also seen people in my work who were spoiled and coddled and they act out when they don't get their way or have to lift a finger. Upbringing is very important and can make a world of difference even to people who have disabilities. You also need to treat your son as an equal adult and rather than punching him, think of real solutions to help him mature and grow.

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