I'm terrified...

I am 61 and my son is 26, I have been apart from his mother for 25 years... She has been with another partner for that amount of time. She has a child with him.. as well he has one from a prior marriage. We shared our son week to week for 19 years from when he was 2 yrs old. She suddenly moved out of state 7 yrs ago which devastated my son. I have always been his rock. His strength and stability. He has some learning issues as well as having Central Auditory Processing Disorder. He is currently working in manufacturing at Toyota and doing quite well. Has a college education... Is still living with me and saving for a house. The problem is I do everything for him and always have. Through all my pointing out his ways he still doesnt change. Have been told that this is part of having this disorder... But it has been so draining on me. 25 years of living my life and his. Double duty and I am 61. Well he went out of state to visit his mom 2 weeks ago for a week.. When he came back, I took off on a quick 4 day vacae...I came back Thursday, and with an hour the babysitting ritual began all over.... Things escalated and it got physical for the first time. A punch or 2 thrown... a couple of slaps and a shove. But I am devastated... I crossed a line. I am not that kind of guy .. Was raised in a loving family.. Mom and dad married 58 years.. It is not me... I just lost it.. I have been telling him for 2 years that I cant continue to look after him and do everything and check up to make sure he is doing everything he needs to do in life on a daily basis. I love him to death.. We are best friends.. Im afraid something has changed.. I have apologized profusely for 4 days.... Bought him a loving card... But I feel empty inside, I feel like his mom abandoned him.... he feels the same way... I have had him in counselling and he has been put on meds for depression do to the things he witnessed in her house as well as bullying in school. I am his rock and now I feel like I have let him down.

Why did this resort to violence?

You did let him down, but you've suffered for it, and now it's time to move on.

You say he holds down a job and is doing well and that he managed to get a college education. What, then, are his limitations? What are you having to do for him that he can't do for himself?

Threats on his part.. He has anger issues.. and always issues threats and I had had enough of hearing them... It was wrong and I know now.. I just feel like I can go on with things the way they are.. i am drained.. have been mom and dad and picking up pieces for 25 years...

Maybe it's time to put him out on his own? Get him into anger management classes and perhaps help pay for a studio apartment for him.

What are his threats?

You were able to go on vacation and he was fine by himself, so what is the hesitation with him moving out? Does that come from you or him?

What are his threats?

 

You were able to go on vacation and he was fine by himself, so what is the hesitation with him moving out? Does that come from you or him?

Yes. I do not understand why he cannot be on his own?

He wants to own and not rent.. I get that and am letting him stay while he saves.. He didnt cook while I was gone for fear of leaving the burners on.. He had a lot of anger issues a few years agao.. wanted to go join the army to fight ISIS.. then wanted to join ISIS.. all said out of anger.. I got him into anger management and counselling.. He is better now.. But he always throws those things out when he is agitated.. He has always wanted to start his own business. So I said that to him Thursday night.. What happened to you starting all of these businesses.. and he said alright I will but if I fail I am taking everyone down with me.. Well I lost it.. I know it was wrong...

What about a PSW? Or a disability worker?

Not to let you off for being violent... there is no excuse for it.... but you need some respite.

I hope he doesn't have access to weapons.

He sounds like a budding psychopath. You need to get him some serious professional help and soon.

Well he says all of the time.. that he can do these things.. but doesnt.. no focus.. memory.. Sometimes I think he just uses me and other times I think he truly cant help it.. I am more concerned about repairing this relationship... He says thiongs are fine.. We have been out for dinner.. House hunting.. I think it is more me having let him down.. and what his opinion of me is now.. I dont want him to think that way.. It was a one off..

That's nice...

He wants to own and not rent.. I get that and am letting him stay while he saves.. He didnt cook while I was gone for fear of leaving the burners on.. He had a lot of anger issues a few years agao.. wanted to go join the army to fight ISIS.. then wanted to join ISIS.. all said out of anger.. I got him into anger management and counselling.. He is better now.. But he always throws those things out when he is agitated.. He has always wanted to start his own business. So I said that to him Thursday night.. What happened to you starting all of these businesses.. and he said alright I will but if I fail I am taking everyone down with me.. Well I lost it.. I know it was wrong...

Have you considered a therapeutic living environment? It almost sounds like he might not have the stability to be on his own and could benefit from some inpatient therapy. That is not an easy decision to make, however, and it is probably one that would cause him to react quite badly. Do you know if he is taking any non-perscribed medications or drinking alcohol?

You are in a very tough spot. I very much admire your commitment to your son! You have taken good care of him; don't be hard on yourself! There comes a time when everyone needs a break. You are at that time.

I agree it is inexcusable but I have felt that way for a while.. that it cant carry on this way..

Maybe get him into a disability living centre.

I agree it is inexcusable but I have felt that way for a while.. that it cant carry on this way..

Thank you and no he does not drink or smoke or do drugs.. He is a great kid.. I remember when I was young .... Still living at home.. Mom did everything and I let her.. They were all worried about me.. I moved out and turned into a neat freak.. paid my bills.. everything turned out fine..

Gary, maybe it's time you get some personal counselling too? It sounds as though you've been carrying a heavy load for far too long now.

You being abandoned by your ex, being a single dad, and your son having disabilities...it's a lot. And maybe if you went to a therapist to help unload some of that stress, it wouldn't feel so overwhelming.

It's great that your son has hopes and dreams, but him owning his own house sounds like it's not realistic. He sounds more suited for a group home to be honest.

Or at the very least, a carer who will watch him 24/7 in how own home.

Perhaps he could benefit from more anger management as well. He does not sound in the best place and it can't keep landing on your shoulders.

Stop beating yourself up, you've been a good dad. But you're human.

He is a grown man now and he can seriously hurt someone. He can't be threatening everytime he gets mad or upset.

But you as well have to be the reasonable one and walk away if it escalates to a place where you feel punches will be thrown again.

Violence is never the answer and is never okay.

Consider all of these things, take a deep breath and forgive yourself.

I do understand life is challenging . My adult son has disabilities and he lives at home.

So he didn't cook, big deal. Lots of people don't cook. He managed at his mother's and on his own while you vacationed, so those are his other options.

Being a helicopter parent never does adult oppspring any favors. It causes resentment and stunts growth. So what's the upside of knocking yourself out to compensate for your own insecurities?

The role of a parent is to teach both roots and wings. The roots are never the hard part. While everyone would 'prefer' to own rather than rent, life on our own is the best teacher of the life skills necessary to manage one's own property. Help him to find a place, subsidize his move directly to the landlord, then decrease your subsidy by a percentage until he's paying on his own. Invite him to Sunday brunch and to use your washer and dryer, and stop playing the martyred doormat.

Consider getting anger counseling for your own head.

I think that the excuse of "i want to buy, not rent" is a flimsy one. He needs to be on his own without dad waiting on him hand and foot and him taking advantage of it. he may have a disorder, but he is gainfully employed at a job that people that do not have sensory issues also have. If he pays no bills, he has money saved to rent or even buy a small condo perhaps. If he has few life skills that also falls on you as parents. I knew someone who had a daughter that needed help dressing and one day she was 10, they decided to let her figure it out. She screamed and cried and it took awhile, but she eventually got dressed. Granted, they made sure to replace her buttons with velcro and bought clothing with snaps and no ties, etc. And you know what, she gained confidence in herself and after awhile it took her 15 minutes instead of an hour to get dressed. There has to be some tough love. and the reason why is that they wanted to see if she could do it, AND they wanted their daughter to have some independence if something happened to them.

Separate out what is a real problem and what is a problem because he never had to do it.

I don't know what is available there but you can look into him going into a group home where they have a counselor on staff 24/7 to make sure they are taking their meds, etc. It sounds to me he needs help in a controlled environment, where he is monitored properly. I know mental illness is a tough one, but you can only do so much. He's an adult, he needs to take responsibility and deal with it. Coming home and moving in is only enabling the bad behavior, and taking advantage of you. he needs some tough love.

How will he be able to manage maintaining his own home? Will he do yard work, home maintenance, pay utility bills on time? Or does he expect you to handle all that?

I just now.. I was at home till I was 24 and while there did very little.. Had wonderful parents.. When I got out on my own... looked after everything.. I think that is typical of kids.. The trick is trying to get him to live more independently under my roof.. You have hear the old saying.. Its just easier to do it myself..

Well, it is easier to it myself bites you in the azz whether they are 4 or 24. Never do for someone what they can do for them selves .

I just now.. I was at home till I was 24 and while there did very little.. Had wonderful parents.. When I got out on my own... looked after everything.. I think that is typical of kids.. The trick is trying to get him to live more independently under my roof.. You have hear the old saying.. Its just easier to do it myself..