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Thread: Advice needed. Not sure where to post this? Has anyone had a similar situation?

  1. #1
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    Advice needed. Not sure where to post this? Has anyone had a similar situation?

    I have been split from my ex for a month. Anybody interested can see my previous threads for the whys.

    It was very toxic and had to end (cheating, emotional abuse etc). I am finally very much on the right path to moving on and I do NOT want him back.

    The issue I now face is him not fully leaving me alone. I have him blocked on social media platforms and WhatsApp so he has resorted to email.

    He has tried everything since the break up to get at me in different ways, jeapordise potential new men in my life and just generally trash talk about me.

    He is now demanding I pay him for a holiday we went on together last month before we split. He earns a SIGNIFICANT amount of money (footballer in the prem) and my monthly salary does not even touch what he would make in a week!

    Anyway, he knows this. However, after things came to an end upon the return, he demands I pay my share of the holiday. As Im easily intimidated and in the heat of the moment, I agreed over WhatsApp.

    He is now started sending me harassing emails AGAIN, asking me where the money is. I am so distressed.

    Should I be paying this? And has anybody had a similar scenario and paid them back or suffered repercussions?

    I am so stressed and overwhelmed. He stopped for a week or so and has just resumed this. I dont know legally what I should be doing, and the cost of the trip was extortionate .

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    What were the payment arrangements before you went on the trip? Did he tell you it was a loan? Was there any expectation of repayment on his part?

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    What were the payment arrangements before you went on the trip? Did he tell you it was a loan? Was there any expectation of repayment on his part?
    ^^^ Yeah, this.

    This isn't about who earns more, or what position he plays on his team, or whatever.

    This is about the agreement made before, and during, the trip.

    If he agreed to pay, and you agreed to go along, then the trip is considered a gift, which is not owed back by you.

    If he agreed to pay, and you agreed to pay him back, then yes, I'd consider that a loan that needs to be repaid.

  4. #4
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    So he booked all of it. I agreed to go.

    I took my card a long with me to use for myself but he said he will pay while there as we did everything together. I said I will sort it when home then and he just said ok. Nothing else was said then we returned until we split and then he turned nasty and was like you can pay for your half etc

    Nothing in writing .

    This also definitely isnt about the money in terms of him *needing* it. Its to cause me maximum stress. And it would not surprise me if he tried court just to create the upset for me.

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  6. #5
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    I guess its just gone this way now because we split. Its confusing because it wasnt officially started as a gift, he just booked it and said were going. Then I offered while over there and he said hell pay, then I said ok Ill sort it upon returning and he said ok. Then we return, things turn nasty, now hes demanding it upfront

  7. #6
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    You know what I'd do? I'd offer to pay him something. There was no actual agreement here, but it's, in my mind, the right thing to do.

    Doesn't matter if it's because he's being nasty, or whatever. This is about doing the right thing. Others may disagree, but me? I'd offer some money.

    'Cause yeah, you went on, and enjoyed, the trip too. And since you both had agreed that "you'll sort it out when you return", which was ambiguous, I'd take the high road.

    I don't care if he earns 10 x more than you. Doesn't matter. All you can worry about is your own side of the street, and that side should be kept as clean as possible. Go off with dignity, offer him what you can, and leave this relationship knowing that you did everything you could.

    You asked if anyone had been in a similar situation. I was....sort of. Last relationship, his t.v. blew out, and I had just bought a brand new tv, and then I won one from my company. We brought over my newly purchased tv, with no words spoken about it. When we broke up, I did want it back, but he said it was his, that it was a gift. Know what? His reluctance to return it left such a bad taste in my mouth that I was like, if he's going to be this way, forget about it. He can have it. He wrote me these emails & texts about how I gave it to him, he didn't owe it back, whatever. I was like fine.....keep it. A few months later, I got a surprise text, asking if he could bring the t.v. back. At that point, I had such a disgust for him for that, and so many other things, I donated it. Had he taken the higher road and given it back as soon as we broke up, I'd have had different feelings about him. All he did by refusing to give it back, proved the point that he was not for me.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Legally you owe him nothing. Anything you agree to under duress is not enforceable. This whole vacation thing is a red herring, a way for him to continue to harass you, intimidate you, maintain contact and control over you. Do not get sucked into this bs.

    Look, you have got to stop responding to him completely. Send him one direct response "please stop harassing me and do not ever contact me again. If you continue, I will seek a restraining order against you." Say nothing else, do not respond to anything he says any further. Reason for this is because if he continues to harass you, you'll be able to get a restraining order against him, report him to his organization, take any other defensive legal action to get this low life put back in his place. You might be afraid of him, but plenty other people are not. This garbage he is pulling can quickly end his career. He is literally doing this because he thinks you are weak and he can get away with it. He can't and there are repercussions for what he is doing.

    Most important is do be very careful and watch your back. Be aware of your surroundings, be sure you are with company if you are out late. If you notice anyone loitering around, do not get out of the car, drive away. Call police, etc.

    Psychos rage when they don't get what they want. You just don't know how far one will go. Fortunately, most are all bark and no bite, but few do cross that line. So be super extra careful with your safety. Make sure you aren't posting anything on your social media about where you are, where you are going, etc. You need to drop off the face of the planet for a bit.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Why are you reading his emails? - curiosity killed the cat.

    It looks like you have a stalker ex. The best thing to do is cut contact - block, don't read emails, and delete. Any contact will only tend to excite them and exacerbate the problem.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    You know what I'd do? I'd offer to pay him something. There was no actual agreement here, but it's, in my mind, the right thing to do.

    Doesn't matter if it's because he's being nasty, or whatever. This is about doing the right thing. Others may disagree, but me? I'd offer some money.

    'Cause yeah, you went on, and enjoyed, the trip too. And since you both had agreed that "you'll sort it out when you return", which was ambiguous, I'd take the high road.

    I don't care if he earns 10 x more than you. Doesn't matter. All you can worry about is your own side of the street, and that side should be kept as clean as possible. Go off with dignity, offer him what you can, and leave this relationship knowing that you did everything you could.
    This kind of a narc psycho isn't going to stop just because she pays him something. Quite the opposite, it will show him that he can still control her, dupe her, jerk her around, etc. It's not making a monster go away, it's feeding it. Again, she owes him nothing. Not even an acknowledgment. However she does need to be super careful, document everything and be ready to take legal action if he doesn't stop. Any response, any reaction, anything from her is fodder for this sh$t.

  11. #10
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    We can agree to disagree here. I don't care if he's a narc/psycho, makes a million dollars, or whatever.

    For me, it's about taking the high road, paying a portion of a trip that I enjoyed, and then blocking and deleting him forever.

    That's just me....I stand by my choice.

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