Emotional Cheating with the boss, maybe more?

I have been living with my girlfriend for nearly 10 years. Things changed a few years ago when she received a promotion at work and a new boss. However I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right after a while. I confronted her and she admitted they embraced at a party but nothing happened. Roll on a few years and i have recently had the same gut feeling something wasnt right as she was acting very odd during phone conversations with her boss when I walked in. I tend to use her computer all the time and noticed in the sms panel at the side there was a message open from her boss with kisses. I know I shouldn’t look into peoples messages however when your gut tells you something isn’t right you need the evidence to back it up.

Sure enough I found a whole bunch of chit chat messages to each other indicating they were more than just colleagues. Such lines as:

- (HIM "what would he say if you said you fancied someone else?", HER - "I think our relationship would have to be based on honesty, especially after all we went through")

- (HIM - I love u, and you kinda like me, so lets see where it goes, i will work hard trying to make you love me again)

- When we were visiting her family abroad with my parents, (HIM "Hows your holiday?" HER - "You will come next year :))

- HIM “Lets go for a romantic weekend, seriously, I would love to lie in bed with you”.

- And generally her putting me down.

So either they are in an affair or planning to. its emotional cheating at the very least. The very sad thing he is also married with kids so clearly not a good man. I confronted her about this and told her I’m ending things, I mean how can this possibly go on? I asked her outright whether anything physical has happened and she said no. Then deflected everything back on to me saying it was my fault, he’s paying her more attention and she gets on better with him.

So there goes the love of my life who I wanted to marry and have children with, either soaking up attention or planning to get together if not already together with her MARRIED boss.

I’m feeling of letting their company HR dept at work know, although I don’t want to come across bitter, but professionally!

Where to from here...?

Emotional cheating is even worse. You Need to end this now!

What a azzhole! She throws it back on you!

I am confused by your confusion. She is disrespecting, lying and cheating on you!

Let her be with him. They deserve one another.

So sorry to hear this, it is not an easy thing to accept.

However... RUN, as FAST and as FAR as you can.

Do YOURSELF a favor, as hard as it might be... just leave, you are not married, you have no children together, you are FREE to go. Thank her for that - you are getting out before it's too late.

DO NOT fall for the "he’s paying her more attention and she gets on better with him" B.S.

She obviously does not understand how relationships work. Leave her, don't ask any more questions. They will try to get together and it will fail... DO NOT take her back.

Hang in there!

Also anewhope...

As much as it might seem like great revenge to inform the company HR department.. don't. Just let it go. Your best revenge is to move forward with a new and happy life and go 100% NO. CONTACT. with her. Trust me, it's the only way. Stop talking now, get rid of her contact info and block her.... 100%!

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Big hugs because it's miserable to find out your partner isn't who you thought they are.

Your instincts, though, are right on point. You can't be with someone who has zero values or morals. Certainly you can't marry them, raise kids with them, etc. When caught, she did what a typical cheater does - deny, deflect, shift blame. Quite frankly, the more you try to talk about it, the more it's going to become a giant mind fck for you as she will roll through anger, self pity, more blame shifting, and other assorted word salad. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are dodging a huge bullet. Imagine finding out after you are married and have kids.

What you do now is disengage and part ways as quickly as possible. Keep it clean, fast, block, delete on everything. Especially all social media. Tell your friends what happened so you get support. Block any friends who want to play both sides. Basically, treat it as if she is dead to you. Don't engage in revenge, as tempting as it may be, because in the end, that's not good for you and keeps you engaged when you need to be disengaged. Best revenge is to boot her out cold and go on to have a fabulous life. Nothing hurts a cheater more than realizing they lost someone valuable. Revenge games just feed their ego and you do not want to do that.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Big hugs because it's miserable to find out your partner isn't who you thought they are.

 

Your instincts, though, are right on point. You can't be with someone who has zero values or morals. Certainly you can't marry them, raise kids with them, etc. When caught, she did what a typical cheater does - deny, deflect, shift blame. Quite frankly, the more you try to talk about it, the more it's going to become a giant mind fck for you as she will roll through anger, self pity, more blame shifting, and other assorted word salad. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are dodging a huge bullet. Imagine finding out after you are married and have kids.

 

What you do now is disengage and part ways as quickly as possible. Keep it clean, fast, block, delete on everything. Especially all social media. Tell your friends what happened so you get support. Block any friends who want to play both sides. Basically, treat it as if she is dead to you. Don't engage in revenge, as tempting as it may be, because in the end, that's not good for you and keeps you engaged when you need to be disengaged. Best revenge is to boot her out cold and go on to have a fabulous life. Nothing hurts a cheater more than realizing they lost someone valuable. Revenge games just feed their ego and you do not want to do that.

So very well said! DF is right on point here ANH... we are here to support you :-)

You were very smart to break up with her, OP.

I can almost guarantee you this was not just emotional. I wouldn't buy for a moment that nothing physical has ever happened between them. They're way too comfortable with their infidelity. It's been going on a while.

Stick to your guns. The newly-betrayed have a tragic way of eventually absorbing blame, after the initial anger passes, and trying to make thing work anyways. Don't even bother trying. You could never trust her again.

Secrets always come out so that you can do what's best for yourself. So sorry you've been betrayed like this. Like others have said, don't report anything. Guess I've watched too many 48 Hours Mystery shows, but when people have poor ethics like this, you don't know what sort of revenge they could enact on you.

Pamper yourself during this mourning period. Hang out with guy friends. Maybe travel to a place that's been on your bucket list. Take up a new hobby.

She's not the love of your life. That woman will treat you as the special person you are. Take care.

I misread. So glad you ended things!

Do not contact HR. You are better than this. Hopefully, it will come out on its own.

Get all of your financial stuff settled, then go complete no contact.

Lastly, do not date for some time. Yo have a lot to work through, and it will not be fair to others.

Then deflected everything back on to me saying it was my fault, he’s paying her more attention and she gets on better with him.

Great--then let her turn to him for attention. I think she will change her tune when it turns out he shows his wife more attention. But that is not your issue.

Clearly, she is not the love of your life. The love of the last 10 years? Probably so. But not your life.

Where to go from here? Anywhere you want!

I have been where you are right now and I know how confusing and even scary this is. Your whole future just went out the window...

Cheaters lie then when caught they lie some more. Everything she told you has a small amount of truth in just to make it believable. Cheaters know you love them and want to believe that they would never do that to you so they use that against you.

The embrace at the party was a make out session at the very least. There is a very good chance they have been having sex for the last few years. Accept that she is a cheater and you cannot trust her no matter what she says or does. Own it and take it to heart.

If you live together get started on separating everything in your life today. Finances, living arrangements, insurance, cell phone plane, furnishings...everything.

I know it hurts but you need to get busy getting away from her. Don't expect closure or the truth from her but you can expect more lies so let them roll off your back and keep moving forward.

I wouldn't contact HR either as much as that would feel good short term, in the long run you are better than that and it might affect his children and wife if he gets fired. I would probably tell his wife though because she has a right to know the truth. But that is just me.

Good luck and keep posting

Lost

I have been in your shoes too. Im so glad you left, you would never ever be able to trust her again.

Cheaters lie & change history constantly, they have no moral compass.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice everyone. Its certainly a tough one to go through finding out that your partner is not who you thought they were, Ive generally been ok however its rather difficult that we own and live in the same house so there is some sorting out to do. She's been trying to make small talk with me however I can't see the point so just told her firmly that I have nothing to say to her and that I will buy her out of the house. (After all it was my family home from a young age).

I still think its ironic that when I found out I said that I deserve better! Yet she threw everything back in my face and said she deserved better too. I really don't know why? I 'm an honest genuine guy who wanted kids with her and doest cheat. So I guess her better - is a married manipulative boss with kids. You have to laugh!

Its funny when you think back as we bumped into her boss in the city last year, it was very awkward and he didn't acknowledge me, now I know why!

Time will heal!