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Finally found the one but I'm terrified


TheG

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My EnotAlone posts have been a story of how I have grown from past relationships. Thanks guys for helping me on this journey of finding a meaningful relationship...

 

This story is different to the rest. I feel that I should fill you guys in on every detail so please excuse the long story...

 

Met this girl at a local club. Shes 22 I am 26. I never really take girls I meet in a club seriously but this was different. I was celebrating a friends birthday. She was there cause she hadnt been in her home town in 5 years and wanted to have fun since she wasnt old enough to go to that club 5 years ago. She was leaving the next day. She was with her friend and her friends boyfriend. She also says she never entertains guys in clubs but there was something different about me.

 

So when she first walked in I was standing by the counter getting drinks for mates, she then went straight to the counter to get drinks as well. Ironically I was more interested in her friend the first time but she was closer to me (in proximity) than the friend. I talked to her in order to get her and her friend to join us, then I would later talk to the friend... that was the plan. I talked to her and they agreed to join us later. Later came and I see the friend's bf joining them and suddenly they dont join us and instead sit at a different table.

 

I later saw a mutual friend approach their table. When the mutual friend left their table, I approached him and asked him about the situation with the 3 people (her , her friend and the 1 guy). He said that that guy is dating the one I was interested in and the other one is free (and has no company). After a few mintues I decided to approach their group to keep the other one company but I only did it as a plan B, I was more interested in her friend.

 

I approached the group and started talking to her. We had a nice conversation and I took her number. I later left her and joined my friends. Before she left, she came to say bye to me and that was it for the night. At that point I was significantly more attracted to her than earlier in the night. The next day she left town. She studies in a city where I spend most of my weekends. So 2 days later I was in her city and we went for our first date... wow was I shocked when I saw her, that for some reason I was seeing her in a completely different light

 

 

After seeing her about 3 times after the first time we met I asked her if she was dating anyone, she said she didnt have a bf but there is someone that shes talking to and has been talking to him for about 2 months. I asked her why they havent dated and she said she feels he's too imature for her. I decided to tell her that my intention with her is to be in a serious relationship and she should let me know if im wasting my time. She told me shes not one to jump into relationships and thus we should just see where it takes us.

 

We have been in significant communication and seeing each other since then, we have kissed a few time. We even went on a double date once with her friend (whom I was first attracted to in the club) and I must say choosing the friend over her the first time would have been the worst choice of my life.

 

Howeverer I suspect that shes still communicating with a few other guys because when we are together shes on her phone alot and there was once a time I tried to meet her on a Sunday and she said she was busy (She had never reacted like that before). I dont question her much about these things because Im also taking into account that shes young and that Im relatively new...

 

I took a 1 year break from dating after breaking up with my ex (who wants me back by the way) and it has helped me with my intimacy issues and introspection. I am 26 and I have never felt like this for a girl in my life. I would really admit that Im in love with this girl and shes my first love. I am terrified!

 

The fact that shes still communicating with other guys (not neccessarily on a friendly note) makes me anxious everytime. I know I have no right to since we havent made things official. She always ends the convos when we chat by text, which always leaves me disappointed. However she does answer her calls and we talk for long. She does most of the talking when we are face to face. I will be with her this coming weekend again. I should be happy and enjoying this moment but im so scared cause I constantly have thoughts of her being intersted in someone else. I know she likes me but I have this fear that Im not the only one she likes... From the convos we have it seems like she does see a future with me and her friend has even gone as far as teasing us saying she needs to start saving for a marriage outfit (i get along really well with her best friend)

 

I get very anxious when she doesnt answer calls and when she constantly checks her phone. How can I approach this relationship in a way that can help me be patient, composed and relaxed? I really think shes the one for me and Im willing to fight for her

 

Regards

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Getting too attached too early is my weakness too (hence my current thread!) so I'll let other people give advice on most the things you've said (it wouldn't be right for me to give advice on something that I'm pretty crap at myself!).

 

Something I definitely would do though is keep the communication balanced. I'd end some text chats myself first (rather than "She always ends the convos when we chat by text"). After a few minutes text chat, I'd say 'listen I'd love to keep chatting but I've got some stuff I need to get done, I'll catch up with you later" - let her wonder what you're up to, rather than being always available. Same with the phone calls. Or drop her a text just before you start playing a sports fixture (or something where you're not going to be checking your phone for 2 or 3 hours) so that when she replies, she doesn't get a reply back from you for several hours (just because you're busy doing what you're doing)

I know some people might say 'oh you shouldn't play text games' but I do think you have to keep a balance and an equilibrium in the communication and not be constantly available to someone.

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Without knowing the past stories you sound exactly like me from a few years ago. Not that I've changed much as my thread shows.

 

Anyway, I can give out advice even though I don't follow it myself: Channel how you're feeling into presenting yourself as her best option, so she won't even want to be interested in anyone else. If you let her know, subliminally or otherwise, that you're already getting jealous and worried about who else she decides to talk to, that's going to be a pretty big turn-off for most people.

 

The anxiety part, wish I could help you there but I haven't found a remedy to date. But coming across as in any way demanding/controlling would be about the worst thing you could do.

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Defintely... something else Iv learnt from my journey. I avoid telling her what to do. When she told me she was busy I didnt ask any more details I just got on with life. I actually stopped speaking to her after that day because I knew she was with someone else. She had to start the convos again...

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She's seeing other guys and rejected you for a date. Plus, a couple of kisses is nothing. If it was looking good, you two would be making out by now. She sounds like a serial dater.

 

Being willing to fight for somebody who won't fight for you is a waste. For her to be the one, she needs to like you back - a lot.

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You know what.......to heck with rules and such. Go with your gut! Tell her how you feel (be reserved about it, but honest). As a woman who is in the dating world, I appreciate that honesty and it actually makes a man more attractive to me! If she is not in to it, then she will tell you. And, if she is seeing other people, she should tell you that, as well. You will have to decide if she is worth that wait.

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I think you're struggling a bit to keep your feet on the ground as your head floats into the clouds.

 

The reality here is that you hardly know this person, have met a few times, and so a lot of the big stuff you're feeling—the idea of love, that she's the person for you—are more products of your imagination than your connection. It's important to remember that, so you have space to explore the wonderful thing in front of you (a compelling human being) rather than operating from the standpoint of trying to corral that human being into being the wonderful thing in your imagination.

 

That's not to negate what you're feeling, the reality of those feelings, the connection here, or the potential for it to expand into something rich and wonderful. It's just about being respectful of the whole context—of reality over fantasy—and to the fact that these things take time. Real time. Months and months, not three dates and few make-out sessions. When after months and months you find the feelings you have right now are still there, and still expanding, then you (start to) know they are less a product of your imagination than of a connection you are building together.

 

Everyone, of course, has different needs when it comes to being able to explore a new connection that is generating big feelings—to surrender to time without going into conniptions. Some need space, some need labels, and so on. Neither is right or wrong; it's about finding someone who sees things as you do. So, if the idea of her dating others right now is too much, there is a way to express that calmly, out of respect for both of you. You say something like, "Hey, I am so enjoying getting to know you, seeing where this can go, and taking it all slowly. Thing is? I've realized I can't continue to fully open up in the way I'd like if we're both still exploring other options. I'm just not built like that, and since meeting you I have no interest in exploring anything else. I understand that you might not be on the same page..."

 

Or some such. She will respond...however she responds. If she's not on the same page, great. If not? Also great, since what you ultimately want is a connection with someone being built on a foundation that works for both parties, and in that moment you learn you are on different levels and/or need things that the other can't provide in order to explore the connection. Yeah, the fantasy goes away, but the point here is not to water a fantasy but to explore the much wilder thing that is reality.

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Everyone has different timing. I'd personally be nervous, if after a 3rd date a man suggested I not waste his time. To be honest, that might scare me off.

 

3 dates is clearly not enough time for me to discern whether or not I want an exclusive relationship with somebody. A month or two dating possibly, but not 3 dates.

 

So your timing is different and what do you do with your nerves? I would consider this a good opportunity to manage your emotions and expectations of others.

 

Keep busy, book up your time with other things and consider dating others in the meantime.

Dating should be enjoyable. Not terrifying.

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Everyone has different timing. I'd personally be nervous, if after a 3rd date a man suggested I not waste his time. To be honest, that might scare me off.

 

 

Me, too.

 

My question is: If you live in her hometown and she doesn't live there, how far away does she live? is a relationship doable due to the distance. I would not judge her rejecting your offer on a Sunday. she probably already had plans/that's when she spends time with family. I do think you should cool off, just go out with her again if you can. NOW since you told her your intent, she knows that if she dates you, it means she wants a LTR instead of just dating to get to know you to SEE if things click with you.

 

Be careful not to come off as desperate.

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the connection here, or the potential for it to expand into something rich and wonderful. It's just about being respectful of the whole context—of reality over fantasy—and to the fact that these things take time. Real time. Months and months, not three dates and few make-out sessions.

 

Absolutely.

Take things much slower in your head. Don't rush into thinking 'she's the one'. You've not know her long enough and she's not exactly being serious with you.

At the moment, it sounds as though you're an option but not the only man she is talking with.

 

You need to take a step back. Focus on getting to know her and don't get attached right now. She isn't dating you exclusively and you don't really know what's what.

 

But I agree with Bluecastle, for the time being you're making this into a huge fantasy. You need actual reality that this is something special and that will take months to find out and also for her to stop chatting up other men.

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Everyone has different timing. I'd personally be nervous, if after a 3rd date a man suggested I not waste his time. To be honest, that might scare me off.

 

Me as well.

 

For whatever it's worth, OP, if I was in your shoes I would not say a thing. I would respect what she told you ten seconds ago in the scheme of things (that she doesn't like to rush) and lean in to the very real things she is giving you (her time, her communication, her lips). Those things are small, but lovely, and its exploring them together, rather than labeling them on your own, that will likely give you a fuller idea of how big this things can get. So I would make it clear that I was enjoying her rather than that I hoped to possess her, trusting that time knows the answers to the questions your nerves are asking right now, more than either of your heads or hearts.

 

But that's me. While I can certainly find myself smitten after a few dates, I value autonomy and don't want possession to be any part of my romantic bond. I want to know that I can be myself alongside someone who can be herself alongside me, that my multitudes can be cherished and appreciated by someone whose multitudes I cherish and appreciate. That's the sharpest point of my personal compass, and so it's the thing I lead with, the thing I give to see if it can be received and given in return. That takes time. It just does, since people are complicated and reveal themselves in stages. Knowing it takes a bit of time allows me not to worry so much about what they might be doing, or who they might be talking to, when I don't have eyes on them.

 

Not everyone works like this. Some want to possess, and be possessed. Some need possession to be vulnerable, or perhaps (I'd argue) mistake possession for vulnerability. But I do think it's worth giving yourself a moment to really ask what is behind your instincts right now. Is it that you're scared of losing to another man, and want her locked down? If so, do know that gestures of affection fueled by fear tend to come across as disingenuous, while gestures taken to stand taller than fear tend to be very attractive and make more room for connection and authenticity.

 

There are feelings and there are facts. Feelings, of course, are their own version of facts, but they don't supersede others: like the fact that you've met three times, that you live in different cities, that she is 22 and is moving through life at her own pace. Don't lose complete sight of those in favor only of the facts of your feelings, since relationships that work, and are sustainable, are those that have space to contain all the facts—the sparkly ones and the concrete ones.

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If after 3 dates and a man thought I was the one, I am not flattered. After all, you can't possibly know me.

It takes a considerable amount of time to really get to know someone. That level of intensity says more about him then it does me.

 

Since you don't really know her, you are filling all the blanks with you what you would perceive to be your ideal woman and you are now off to the races based on that.

When I sense a man has these insta-feelings for me, I know it's not about me, but who he perceives me to be.

 

That's what infatuation is all about.

 

It's all good, warm and fuzzy to be attracted to someone. Infatuation is fun and flirty. Have fun with it, but it calls for being realistic at the same time.

 

If you can be aware of what you're doing and calling it what it really is (infatuation) you can possibly reign in the anxiety monster.

 

Or you can be like me and learn the hard way, over and over, that most people aren't who they really seem to be first glance. Depending on how hungry we are, we can be guilty of painting them even prettier then they actually are, if we aren't careful.

 

Have fun. Slow your roll.

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Message her and ask her specifically, that you would like to take her for lunch, dinner, drinks, whatever and when you'll be there and when is she free. You'll either get yes, no (or "too busy").

Im in the town that shes in often. Ill be there again this coming weekend
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When I say I'll be there I'll actually be with her. I have a gig and she said she would love to come with...?

 

What is the question exactly?

 

Think of newly forming relationship like planting a seed. You keep turning up the soil to see it's taking root, you end up killing it.

 

She wants to come to your gig. Simple and nothing cryptic.

Just leave at that and try to live in the moment.

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Thanks for the advice and the reassurance guys. We had a great weekend together Im starting to feel the security a bit more. She introduced me to her older brother this weekend. She says shes never done that before...

 

Also, I was literally with her the whole day and night on Saturday and we spoke for about 2 hours on Sunday, without her checking her phone as much.

 

Still pulling back a bit as advised because Iv seen that that has eased my anxiety, trying not to think about her too much and messaging her too much.

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