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Thread: Finally found the one but I'm terrified

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Everyone has different timing. I'd personally be nervous, if after a 3rd date a man suggested I not waste his time. To be honest, that might scare me off.

    3 dates is clearly not enough time for me to discern whether or not I want an exclusive relationship with somebody. A month or two dating possibly, but not 3 dates.

    So your timing is different and what do you do with your nerves? I would consider this a good opportunity to manage your emotions and expectations of others.

    Keep busy, book up your time with other things and consider dating others in the meantime.
    Dating should be enjoyable. Not terrifying.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Everyone has different timing. I'd personally be nervous, if after a 3rd date a man suggested I not waste his time. To be honest, that might scare me off.
    Me, too.

    My question is: If you live in her hometown and she doesn't live there, how far away does she live? is a relationship doable due to the distance. I would not judge her rejecting your offer on a Sunday. she probably already had plans/that's when she spends time with family. I do think you should cool off, just go out with her again if you can. NOW since you told her your intent, she knows that if she dates you, it means she wants a LTR instead of just dating to get to know you to SEE if things click with you.

    Be careful not to come off as desperate.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    the connection here, or the potential for it to expand into something rich and wonderful. It's just about being respectful of the whole context—of reality over fantasy—and to the fact that these things take time. Real time. Months and months, not three dates and few make-out sessions.
    Absolutely.
    Take things much slower in your head. Don't rush into thinking 'she's the one'. You've not know her long enough and she's not exactly being serious with you.
    At the moment, it sounds as though you're an option but not the only man she is talking with.

    You need to take a step back. Focus on getting to know her and don't get attached right now. She isn't dating you exclusively and you don't really know what's what.

    But I agree with Bluecastle, for the time being you're making this into a huge fantasy. You need actual reality that this is something special and that will take months to find out and also for her to stop chatting up other men.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Everyone has different timing. I'd personally be nervous, if after a 3rd date a man suggested I not waste his time. To be honest, that might scare me off.
    Me as well.

    For whatever it's worth, OP, if I was in your shoes I would not say a thing. I would respect what she told you ten seconds ago in the scheme of things (that she doesn't like to rush) and lean in to the very real things she is giving you (her time, her communication, her lips). Those things are small, but lovely, and its exploring them together, rather than labeling them on your own, that will likely give you a fuller idea of how big this things can get. So I would make it clear that I was enjoying her rather than that I hoped to possess her, trusting that time knows the answers to the questions your nerves are asking right now, more than either of your heads or hearts.

    But that's me. While I can certainly find myself smitten after a few dates, I value autonomy and don't want possession to be any part of my romantic bond. I want to know that I can be myself alongside someone who can be herself alongside me, that my multitudes can be cherished and appreciated by someone whose multitudes I cherish and appreciate. That's the sharpest point of my personal compass, and so it's the thing I lead with, the thing I give to see if it can be received and given in return. That takes time. It just does, since people are complicated and reveal themselves in stages. Knowing it takes a bit of time allows me not to worry so much about what they might be doing, or who they might be talking to, when I don't have eyes on them.

    Not everyone works like this. Some want to possess, and be possessed. Some need possession to be vulnerable, or perhaps (I'd argue) mistake possession for vulnerability. But I do think it's worth giving yourself a moment to really ask what is behind your instincts right now. Is it that you're scared of losing to another man, and want her locked down? If so, do know that gestures of affection fueled by fear tend to come across as disingenuous, while gestures taken to stand taller than fear tend to be very attractive and make more room for connection and authenticity.

    There are feelings and there are facts. Feelings, of course, are their own version of facts, but they don't supersede others: like the fact that you've met three times, that you live in different cities, that she is 22 and is moving through life at her own pace. Don't lose complete sight of those in favor only of the facts of your feelings, since relationships that work, and are sustainable, are those that have space to contain all the facts—the sparkly ones and the concrete ones.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    If after 3 dates and a man thought I was the one, I am not flattered. After all, you can't possibly know me.
    It takes a considerable amount of time to really get to know someone. That level of intensity says more about him then it does me.

    Since you don't really know her, you are filling all the blanks with you what you would perceive to be your ideal woman and you are now off to the races based on that.
    When I sense a man has these insta-feelings for me, I know it's not about me, but who he perceives me to be.

    That's what infatuation is all about.

    It's all good, warm and fuzzy to be attracted to someone. Infatuation is fun and flirty. Have fun with it, but it calls for being realistic at the same time.

    If you can be aware of what you're doing and calling it what it really is (infatuation) you can possibly reign in the anxiety monster.

    Or you can be like me and learn the hard way, over and over, that most people aren't who they really seem to be first glance. Depending on how hungry we are, we can be guilty of painting them even prettier then they actually are, if we aren't careful.

    Have fun. Slow your roll.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try to pull back so she can appreciate you and most of all so you don't end up in the friendzone while she plays the field.

  8. #17
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    Im in the town that shes in often. Ill be there again this coming weekend

  9. #18
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    Also we have been on many dates since i told her my intent... I guess I just gotta be patient and slow down

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Message her and ask her specifically, that you would like to take her for lunch, dinner, drinks, whatever and when you'll be there and when is she free. You'll either get yes, no (or "too busy").
    Originally Posted by TheG
    Im in the town that shes in often. Ill be there again this coming weekend

  11. #20
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    When I say I'll be there I'll actually be with her. I have a gig and she said she would love to come with...?

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