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advice please! Short term ever salvageable?


theantman20

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I started seeing a girl 6 months ago. We are both mid 20’s and neither was looking for anything too serious. But quickly we found that we had a rare bond that neither of us had experienced much before.

 

She is the type to get rid of guys after a month or two (if they can even make it that far) and has serious trust issues based off her past. But with me she told me how rare her feeling was for me and told me she could see us lasting forever (an impossible thing for her to feel previously, something she never said before). We never argued once, got each other perfectly, and she would often say how rare it is that she didn’t feel the need for anyone else.

 

Everything went perfect until she found out that I would have to leave her country for 3 months. She was also going through major family issues, and we had our first bumps (though no arguing just any amount of stress for the first time). She would tell me to leave her place, then get mad that I left. She told me how much she needed me with her, but avoided me at times.

 

After this she stabilized again but was traveling for much of the last two months we had before I left. When we saw each other everything was great and she apologized for her mood swings. Seeing how her life was difficult and her being scared, I let her know how much she meant to me and that I understood if me leaving meant she couldn’t continue or wanted to leave things open and we’ll see what life brings by then. She got more upset than I’ve ever seen her, feeling as if we weren’t as serious as she thought. We talked about it and both agreed it was clear that we were committed to us and it wouldn’t be a problem. She pulled me closer than ever and we were as strong as ever.

 

Things went well for the next month until it was time for me to actually leave. She had a million things going on and was feeling bad anxiety for the first time in her life. One of the last few days she told me she was stressed and started off mad at her interaction with another person. I helped calm her down, and that night we talked about how great us is to both of us and she told me how committed she was and how glad she was to have us. It finished as the second best night we ever had together. We even talked about how she thought it was weird that I hadn’t done anything to mess up, and how good I always was to her.

 

On the second to last day she was cold and distant towards me. I asked her if it was because I was leaving and she said no she was just stressed. She suddenly started saying she didn’t care about us, and that she understood no one in her life would be around long term. I then helped her with some things, and we talked again later in the day. She then started saying that I’m not at all what she wants and pointed out a few small moments that meant I wasn’t enough in certain ways. She ended it with saying she was still committed and that she just was scared these things couldn’t change.

 

The next day we met and she apologized profusely over how she was the night before. She said she was just stressed and focusing on negatives and told me she struggles with knowing what she wants or who she is day to day and reaffirmed that she was happy and just being stupid. We joked about how we both acted the night before, and talked about how it was just the stress of everything. She told me how scared she was of herself with me leaving and scared that I would give up on her or not come back (both is not close to true). We both agreed it was the best night we ever had together and that we were in a really good place. She even talked about how ridiculous it was that her parents said that I wouldn’t be around in three months for them to finally meet me.

 

I left and everything was great for a week. She would text me about how she couldn’t wait for me to come home to her and we planned things for the future. Suddenly I got a call from her and she told me she just couldn’t do it anymore and that I’m not what she wants. I said ok, and that I wish it was different but I want her happy. She told me she just thinks I deserve more (cliche I know) and that she really really wanted something serious but she guesses she just not ready yet. It was clear she was very sad doing it, which she rarely shows due to her cold numb defense mechanisms.

 

The thing is, I gave her every chance to leave if she wanted, have us be less serious, and never pushed for anything. But she always wanted to pull us closer and make things more serious. With a girl that changes her mind by the day like this, is there any chance that things change when I’m back? Should I just leave it be? She the most special person I’ve ever come across. She’s told me and friends how special and happy I made her feel. Should I just give her some space and contact her when I’m back to her city? I truly think this is her wanting to push me away from the initial hurt of me being gone.

 

Sorry for the long read and any advice would be helpful!

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A relationship with someone like this is going to be next to impossible, OP.

 

The problem isn't you. She's clearly got issues she needs to address before something longer-term and sustainable would ever work. Unless and until she sorts that out, you're beating a dead horse.

 

I would let her go. She isn't ready for the sort of relationship you seek and you will get your heart put through a blender with all the back-and-forth.

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MissCanuck is right. She needs to undergo a big transformation before she is ready for a proper relationship.

 

Don't wait around wasting your 20s waiting for something that may never happen.

 

 

 

With a girl that changes her mind by the day like this, is there any chance that things change when I’m back?

 

I doubt it. This isn't a one off - she has displayed this behavior several times in the short period that you have been together. Why would you expect that to change?

 

 

 

Should I just leave it be? She the most special person I’ve ever come across.

 

Really? Give it a year and I'm sure you will look back and realise that it was more hassle than it was worth.

 

Yes, leave her be.

 

 

 

She’s told me and friends how special and happy I made her feel.

 

Yet she constantly pushed you away and messed you around.

 

 

 

6 months in you should still be in the honeymoon phase, not dealing with all this headache. She isn't the right person for you.

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Sorry to hear this. LDRs are very difficult, especially in new dating situations. Did you know all along that you would be leaving the country? What do you mean by "she found out"? Was that info withheld in the beginning?

 

All you can do is lay it to rest. She wan't happy with the news of your departure, so waited until you were there, thought about it and was honest that "she can't do this". Now let her be. Perhaps if you're in her area again, contact her. Consider this a ticket to freedom from the hassle of trying to maintain a LDR.

Everything went perfect until she found out that I would have to leave her country for 3 months.

I left and everything was great for a week. I got a call from her and she told me she just couldn’t do it anymore and that I’m not what she wants.

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“But with me she told me how rare her feeling was for me and told me she could see us lasting forever”

 

What that actually translates as is “I never met someone before that enabled my behaviour”

 

Others didn’t tolerate her behaviour because it’s intolerable.

 

Why are you tolerating it?????

 

This is more about you than her! You are NOT her carer.

You are still in the dating stage and she is NOT someone you should want to date (care)

 

Leave her.

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Wow. Aren't you exhausted? Do you know how many times you mentioned the word stress and scared in your story? You haven't learned anything from your experience, so you're bound to repeat it if you continue to ignore red flags.

 

When you found out her relationship history, you should've realized your fate would be the same. Plus, a person who lugs around toxic emotional baggage is not a person you should date.

 

We subconsciously choose a partner we think we deserve. You mustn't think much of yourself if you think this is an ideal partner.

 

My advice? Be alone and work on your self esteem. Make a must-have and dealbreaker list for future partners and stick to it. Know that there are pretty, single women out there who are confident, independent, loving, and with whom you will find more joy than strife.

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Wow. Aren't you exhausted? Do you know how many times you mentioned the word stress and scared in your story? You haven't learned anything from your experience, so you're bound to repeat it if you continue to ignore red flags.

 

When you found out her relationship history, you should've realized your fate would be the same. Plus, a person who lugs around toxic emotional baggage is not a person you should date.

 

We subconsciously choose a partner we think we deserve. You mustn't think much of yourself if you think this is an ideal partner.

 

My advice? Be alone and work on your self esteem. Make a must-have and dealbreaker list for future partners and stick to it. Know that there are pretty, single women out there who are confident, independent, loving, and with whom you will find more joy than strife.

 

I get how it could look like that. But I don’t think it’s self-esteem issues. I’m fairly attractive (from what I’ve been told), outgoing and very social, and have not had much problem in the lady department. I see the red flags, but also see the best piece of art work on its own right I’ve ever come across. Never had I been so content in the person I called mine. And it was only a few real moments of strife in half a year of dating. I understood her well, sometimes better than she knew herself because she can’t read herself.

 

I just have a hard time believing there’s better out there. Relationship wise definitely without a doubt, but as a person I admire all around nothing has even come close in all other aspects outside of the relationship things.

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“But with me she told me how rare her feeling was for me and told me she could see us lasting forever”

 

What that actually translates as is “I never met someone before that enabled my behaviour”

 

Others didn’t tolerate her behaviour because it’s intolerable.

 

Why are you tolerating it?????

 

This is more about you than her! You are NOT her carer.

You are still in the dating stage and she is NOT someone you should want to date (care)

 

Leave her.

 

I think that’s the problem, everyone has tolerated this behavior from her because of how great she is outside of her commitment issues. I’m only her second boyfriend ever, and the first had to push for it while she pushed for the title from me.

 

I think I took how she acted in stride because of how similar we are in life experiences and she is who I was a few years ago in how she acts in relationships, Self-destructive and burns anything before it gets too real. It causes hope on one hand to have been boyfriend number 2 especially under the tough circumstances. On the other, I see that I found someone that brought out my best self without ever trying, and it became a complaint somehow that I was too perfect towards her so it seems like I’m being fake.

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What attracts you to this dynamic.? She has a boatload of problems and is incapable of ANY relationship. This girl needs therapy! Stop excusing her loony behavior.

 

You also have self esteem issues, or you would not be attracted to this mess of a woman.

 

Next time, someone tells you about their pattern of emotional unavailability, run!

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Never had I been so content in the person I called mine. And it was only a few real moments of strife in half a year of dating. I understood her well, sometimes better than she knew herself because she can’t read herself.

 

Evidently not, or you wouldn't be posting here. You'd have seen this break-up coming and wouldn't be so puzzled as to what to do from here.

 

I don't mean that to be harsh, but I think you are painting a much brighter picture now in an attempt to convince yourself she might come back. It's easier to try to tell ourselves that we are the one person who understood someone like this; I have dated men with similar characteristics before and indulged in a little of that self-aggrandizement too. It eases the sting of rejection.

 

But the truth is, most people like this are years away from really being ready to commit. And it's usually not with people they've already burned. She may sort out her issues someday. Or she may be content to continue dabbling in shorter-term, more superficial relationships. The point is that you would be wise not to go back for more; she isn't in a place in her life where it's likely to work out well.

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