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Thread: advice please! Short term ever salvageable?

  1. #1

    advice please! Short term ever salvageable?

    I started seeing a girl 6 months ago. We are both mid 20ís and neither was looking for anything too serious. But quickly we found that we had a rare bond that neither of us had experienced much before.

    She is the type to get rid of guys after a month or two (if they can even make it that far) and has serious trust issues based off her past. But with me she told me how rare her feeling was for me and told me she could see us lasting forever (an impossible thing for her to feel previously, something she never said before). We never argued once, got each other perfectly, and she would often say how rare it is that she didnít feel the need for anyone else.

    Everything went perfect until she found out that I would have to leave her country for 3 months. She was also going through major family issues, and we had our first bumps (though no arguing just any amount of stress for the first time). She would tell me to leave her place, then get mad that I left. She told me how much she needed me with her, but avoided me at times.

    After this she stabilized again but was traveling for much of the last two months we had before I left. When we saw each other everything was great and she apologized for her mood swings. Seeing how her life was difficult and her being scared, I let her know how much she meant to me and that I understood if me leaving meant she couldnít continue or wanted to leave things open and weíll see what life brings by then. She got more upset than Iíve ever seen her, feeling as if we werenít as serious as she thought. We talked about it and both agreed it was clear that we were committed to us and it wouldnít be a problem. She pulled me closer than ever and we were as strong as ever.

    Things went well for the next month until it was time for me to actually leave. She had a million things going on and was feeling bad anxiety for the first time in her life. One of the last few days she told me she was stressed and started off mad at her interaction with another person. I helped calm her down, and that night we talked about how great us is to both of us and she told me how committed she was and how glad she was to have us. It finished as the second best night we ever had together. We even talked about how she thought it was weird that I hadnít done anything to mess up, and how good I always was to her.

    On the second to last day she was cold and distant towards me. I asked her if it was because I was leaving and she said no she was just stressed. She suddenly started saying she didnít care about us, and that she understood no one in her life would be around long term. I then helped her with some things, and we talked again later in the day. She then started saying that Iím not at all what she wants and pointed out a few small moments that meant I wasnít enough in certain ways. She ended it with saying she was still committed and that she just was scared these things couldnít change.

    The next day we met and she apologized profusely over how she was the night before. She said she was just stressed and focusing on negatives and told me she struggles with knowing what she wants or who she is day to day and reaffirmed that she was happy and just being stupid. We joked about how we both acted the night before, and talked about how it was just the stress of everything. She told me how scared she was of herself with me leaving and scared that I would give up on her or not come back (both is not close to true). We both agreed it was the best night we ever had together and that we were in a really good place. She even talked about how ridiculous it was that her parents said that I wouldnít be around in three months for them to finally meet me.

    I left and everything was great for a week. She would text me about how she couldnít wait for me to come home to her and we planned things for the future. Suddenly I got a call from her and she told me she just couldnít do it anymore and that Iím not what she wants. I said ok, and that I wish it was different but I want her happy. She told me she just thinks I deserve more (cliche I know) and that she really really wanted something serious but she guesses she just not ready yet. It was clear she was very sad doing it, which she rarely shows due to her cold numb defense mechanisms.

    The thing is, I gave her every chance to leave if she wanted, have us be less serious, and never pushed for anything. But she always wanted to pull us closer and make things more serious. With a girl that changes her mind by the day like this, is there any chance that things change when Iím back? Should I just leave it be? She the most special person Iíve ever come across. Sheís told me and friends how special and happy I made her feel. Should I just give her some space and contact her when Iím back to her city? I truly think this is her wanting to push me away from the initial hurt of me being gone.

    Sorry for the long read and any advice would be helpful!
    Last edited by theantman20; 07-30-2019 at 01:22 AM.

  2. #2
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    A relationship with someone like this is going to be next to impossible, OP.

    The problem isn't you. She's clearly got issues she needs to address before something longer-term and sustainable would ever work. Unless and until she sorts that out, you're beating a dead horse.

    I would let her go. She isn't ready for the sort of relationship you seek and you will get your heart put through a blender with all the back-and-forth.

  3. #3
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    MissCanuck is right. She needs to undergo a big transformation before she is ready for a proper relationship.

    Don't wait around wasting your 20s waiting for something that may never happen.



    Originally Posted by theantman20
    With a girl that changes her mind by the day like this, is there any chance that things change when Iím back?
    I doubt it. This isn't a one off - she has displayed this behavior several times in the short period that you have been together. Why would you expect that to change?



    Originally Posted by theantman20
    Should I just leave it be? She the most special person Iíve ever come across.
    Really? Give it a year and I'm sure you will look back and realise that it was more hassle than it was worth.

    Yes, leave her be.



    Originally Posted by theantman20
    Sheís told me and friends how special and happy I made her feel.
    Yet she constantly pushed you away and messed you around.



    6 months in you should still be in the honeymoon phase, not dealing with all this headache. She isn't the right person for you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. LDRs are very difficult, especially in new dating situations. Did you know all along that you would be leaving the country? What do you mean by "she found out"? Was that info withheld in the beginning?

    All you can do is lay it to rest. She wan't happy with the news of your departure, so waited until you were there, thought about it and was honest that "she can't do this". Now let her be. Perhaps if you're in her area again, contact her. Consider this a ticket to freedom from the hassle of trying to maintain a LDR.
    Originally Posted by theantman20
    Everything went perfect until she found out that I would have to leave her country for 3 months.
    I left and everything was great for a week. I got a call from her and she told me she just couldnít do it anymore and that Iím not what she wants.

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  6. #5
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    ďBut with me she told me how rare her feeling was for me and told me she could see us lasting foreverĒ

    What that actually translates as is ďI never met someone before that enabled my behaviourĒ

    Others didnít tolerate her behaviour because itís intolerable.

    Why are you tolerating it?????

    This is more about you than her! You are NOT her carer.
    You are still in the dating stage and she is NOT someone you should want to date (care)

    Leave her.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Wow. Aren't you exhausted? Do you know how many times you mentioned the word stress and scared in your story? You haven't learned anything from your experience, so you're bound to repeat it if you continue to ignore red flags.

    When you found out her relationship history, you should've realized your fate would be the same. Plus, a person who lugs around toxic emotional baggage is not a person you should date.

    We subconsciously choose a partner we think we deserve. You mustn't think much of yourself if you think this is an ideal partner.

    My advice? Be alone and work on your self esteem. Make a must-have and dealbreaker list for future partners and stick to it. Know that there are pretty, single women out there who are confident, independent, loving, and with whom you will find more joy than strife.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well, you told her you are leaving her. How would you think she would react?

  9. #8

    advice please! Short term ever salvageable?

    @wiseman2 it was something unexpected, I told her minuets after finding out. So basically we found out together.

  10. #9

    advice please! Short term ever salvageable?

    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Wow. Aren't you exhausted? Do you know how many times you mentioned the word stress and scared in your story? You haven't learned anything from your experience, so you're bound to repeat it if you continue to ignore red flags.

    When you found out her relationship history, you should've realized your fate would be the same. Plus, a person who lugs around toxic emotional baggage is not a person you should date.

    We subconsciously choose a partner we think we deserve. You mustn't think much of yourself if you think this is an ideal partner.

    My advice? Be alone and work on your self esteem. Make a must-have and dealbreaker list for future partners and stick to it. Know that there are pretty, single women out there who are confident, independent, loving, and with whom you will find more joy than strife.
    I get how it could look like that. But I donít think itís self-esteem issues. Iím fairly attractive (from what Iíve been told), outgoing and very social, and have not had much problem in the lady department. I see the red flags, but also see the best piece of art work on its own right Iíve ever come across. Never had I been so content in the person I called mine. And it was only a few real moments of strife in half a year of dating. I understood her well, sometimes better than she knew herself because she canít read herself.

    I just have a hard time believing thereís better out there. Relationship wise definitely without a doubt, but as a person I admire all around nothing has even come close in all other aspects outside of the relationship things.
    Last edited by theantman20; 08-03-2019 at 03:36 AM.

  11. #10
    Originally Posted by Billie28
    ďBut with me she told me how rare her feeling was for me and told me she could see us lasting foreverĒ

    What that actually translates as is ďI never met someone before that enabled my behaviourĒ

    Others didnít tolerate her behaviour because itís intolerable.

    Why are you tolerating it?????

    This is more about you than her! You are NOT her carer.
    You are still in the dating stage and she is NOT someone you should want to date (care)

    Leave her.
    I think thatís the problem, everyone has tolerated this behavior from her because of how great she is outside of her commitment issues. Iím only her second boyfriend ever, and the first had to push for it while she pushed for the title from me.

    I think I took how she acted in stride because of how similar we are in life experiences and she is who I was a few years ago in how she acts in relationships, Self-destructive and burns anything before it gets too real. It causes hope on one hand to have been boyfriend number 2 especially under the tough circumstances. On the other, I see that I found someone that brought out my best self without ever trying, and it became a complaint somehow that I was too perfect towards her so it seems like Iím being fake.

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