I'm 25 and can't make friends. What gives?

Something that's been really bothering me lately is that I cannot make friends for the life of me these days. The past year or so, I've made some changes to my lifestyle. I've been going to the gym and working out like a mad man to where I am in the best physical shape I have ever been in to where I get compliments all the time from my peers, I have a stable good paying job, just bought a newish car, etc. Basically, I have my sh*t together. I'm kind, good looking, considerate, reliable, trustworthy, fun to be around, and anytime I have interacted or hungout with someone, we always have a good time. But anytime I try to make plans with them to hangout, they either flake, don't seem interested, leave me on read, or make up excuses.

I'm not cocky, arrogant, or annoying in any way, I've even been told by many that I'm one of the nicest and most genuine dudes to be around, so I don't understand. I have 'gym friends' where I see certain people there working out on a daily basis and I'll usually have a fun conversation with them real quick about their workout or exercises, but other than that it seems like everyone just avoids me in general instead.

I've cut my old friends from my life because I want to be around positive vibes type of people. My old friends were flakes, unreliable, negative, didn't care about success, or took me for granted and I got fed up with it and stopped talking to them altogether. I don't have time to play games anymore and just want real friends that will be there for me and go to the gym and stuff. Ever since I cut out my old friends, now I feel super lonely and haven't had anyone to hangout with on a weekend in months other than occasional family members. I usually find myself staying in and playing video games or whatever, and I feel super lame for doing so but I don't have anything else to do. And I really don't want to just go to a bar or whatever by myself and talk to random people (I would if I at least had 1 other person with me).

Anyone have any thoughts or advice to give that will help? Maybe a possible reason why this is happening to me?

You sound desperate and also a bit full of yourself with your name of Mr Incredible. Have you considered that you may come across as desperate or that you think you are better than others? I dont know you so I can be completely wrong, but that's what I read in your post.

I think a good way to seek friends is to go where they are. Try joining groups. Since you like to exercise, there are local running groups. Check out meetups and various groups there.

If you're religious, join a church, Bible study groups based upon age brackets, ministries, feed the homeless, get involved in community service, charitable good works and the like. You'll find empathetic types there.

If you like excursions and outings, there are groups who take tours and have various local trips. You have to start somewhere.

Or, if you have hobbies or interests, enroll in a community course or class.

If you like to cook, join a cooking class.

Or, ask mutual good friends and / or family because they've done their homework for you and can tell you about a person's personality and character.

Something that's been really bothering me lately is that I cannot make friends for the life of me these days. The past year or so, I've made some changes to my lifestyle. I've been going to the gym and working out like a mad man to where I am in the best physical shape I have ever been in to where I get compliments all the time from my peers, I have a stable good paying job, just bought a newish car, etc. Basically, I have my sh*t together. I'm kind, good looking, considerate, reliable, trustworthy, fun to be around, and anytime I have interacted or hungout with someone, we always have a good time. But anytime I try to make plans with them to hangout, they either flake, don't seem interested, leave me on read, or make up excuses.

I'm not cocky, arrogant, or annoying in any way, I've even been told by many that I'm one of the nicest and most genuine dudes to be around, so I don't understand. I have 'gym friends' where I see certain people there working out on a daily basis and I'll usually have a fun conversation with them real quick about their workout or exercises, but other than that it seems like everyone just avoids me in general instead.

 

I've cut my old friends from my life because I want to be around positive vibes type of people. My old friends were flakes, unreliable, negative, didn't care about success, or took me for granted and I got fed up with it and stopped talking to them altogether. I don't have time to play games anymore and just want real friends that will be there for me and go to the gym and stuff. Ever since I cut out my old friends, now I feel super lonely and haven't had anyone to hangout with on a weekend in months other than occasional family members.?

Interesting how you pretty much say, 'I'm amazing, look at how wonderful I am,' yet no-one wants to be your friend. Sounds cocky, arrogant and rather annoying to me.

Perhaps it is your own perception of yourself that is the issue. The traits you label yourself with - Kind, reliable, fun to be around - aren't really things we can label ourselves with, and based on the amount of people who wish to hang out with you, and their 'flakerate', it would suggest that most people think exactly the opposite of you.

If anything, you appear to be trying to project an image over blatant narcissim, but obviously people are seeing right through it.

I would suggest working on yourself and trying to become more of a genuine person. And just saying you are genuine doesn't actually make you genuine.

You sound desperate and also a bit full of yourself with your name of Mr Incredible. Have you considered that you may come across as desperate or that you think you are better than others? I dont know you so I can be completely wrong, but that's what I read in your post.

Judging a person's character because of their user name says alot about yours. I only chose MrIncredible because the other names I picked were either already taken or too long to use. Also I was watching the movie 'The Incredibles' with my niece shortly before I made the account, and she called me that name a couple times as a joke in reference to the movie, so I went with it.

I'm not desperate or think I'm better than others, it's just that I feel like I honestly have all the credentials in what makes a good friend, yet no one wants to hang or return the favor. I either get flaked on or ignored these days, which doesn't make sense since I consider myself a positive influence to be around.

At least I don't think it sounds desperate, but it's a sh*tty feeling to feel alone and have no one to turn to, but not understanding why.

Interesting how you pretty much say, 'I'm amazing, look at how wonderful I am,' yet no-one wants to be your friend. Sounds cocky, arrogant and rather annoying to me.

 

Perhaps it is your own perception of yourself that is the issue. The traits you label yourself with - Kind, reliable, fun to be around - aren't really things we can label ourselves with, and based on the amount of people who wish to hang out with you, and their 'flakerate', it would suggest that most people think exactly the opposite of you.

 

If anything, you appear to be trying to project an image over blatant narcissim, but obviously people are seeing right through it.

 

I would suggest working on yourself and trying to become more of a genuine person. And just saying you are genuine doesn't actually make you genuine.

I totally get it, maybe the wording I have in this post does come off arrogant, but I assure you that that image is false. I'm not that type of person in any way. I've never been cocky or arrogant my entire life, because I believe in karma and have always treated others the same way they treat me. I've never been a sour person and I'm actually one of the nicest people you would come across in person. Everyone always seems happy to see me in person rather than "ugh this guy again", as well as my old friends telling me that I'm a great friend despite them not being so themselves. It's just when it comes to hanging out or developing a friendship of some sort, it's like they back off which is odd to me.

Obviously I can't persuade you without doing so in person, so it's all good. Like I said in the other reply, I feel like I have all these credentials that make a great friend like being trustworthy, fun to be around, will always have your back type of guy, yet everyone is afraid of hanging out.

Are you referring to getting dates or making friends in general? Friends don't care what kind of shape you're in or what kind of car you drive.

Unfortunately the new friends sound like the old friends in terms of your complaints about them being flaky, etc. Maybe it's time to decide what you want in other people. The best way to have friends is to be a good friend.

Social climbing is a more Machiavellian approach and doesn't really focus on friendship as much as rubbing elbows, impressing people and most of all...using any means to get what you want out of the situation, just as you are describing here.

. But anytime I try to make plans with them to hangout, they either flake, don't seem interested, leave me on read, or make up excuses.

 

I've cut my old friends from my life because I want to be around positive vibes type of peopleMy old friends were flakes, unreliable, negative, didn't care about success, or took me for granted and I got fed up with it and stopped talking to them altogether.

Judging a person's character because of their user name says alot about yours. I only chose MrIncredible because the other names I picked were either already taken or too long to use. Also I was watching the movie 'The Incredibles' with my niece shortly before I made the account, and she called me that name a couple times as a joke in reference to the movie, so I went with it.

 

I'm not desperate or think I'm better than others, it's just that I feel like I honestly have all the credentials in what makes a good friend, yet no one wants to hang or return the favor. I either get flaked on or ignored these days, which doesn't make sense since I consider myself a positive influence to be around.

At least I don't think it sounds desperate, but it's a sh*tty feeling to feel alone and have no one to turn to, but not understanding why.

You get upset about someone judging you about a profile name, yet you have cut people out of your personal life because they don’t “care about success”?

What does success mean to you?

A cut body? Perhaps to them it is having a loving family , kids , friends who enjoy and appreciate the same success, mediocre wage and a pot belly ?

You don’t sound like a positive influence to be around tbh.

And you don’t sound like you are successful?

Sorry but I think you need to rethink what actually matters to you?

My strong suggestion is volunteer work and also salsa or swing dancing lessons. Volunteer work where you interact with other people -I've seen people make life long friends and meet spouses doing backstage work at community theater. I met people volunteering at a local homeless shelter, about once a week for 7 years (we read to children, and then also did some interview/resume counseling with the women who resided there). Had I not had a serious boyfriend there was one really good guy who joined us to volunteer who wanted to date me so that can happen too. Now I volunteer at a local radio station mostly during their fundraising events and I've yet to meet people I keep in touch with but it's nice to go (I do it only about 3-4 times a year at this point) and see the same faces, meet the radio personalities and it feels like at some point I'll click as friends beyond just the time we are there. I can't explain it -just the vibe/energy I get.

Salsa/swing dancing -I took a few, wasn't really for me and I have several friends who made close friends this way including one woman who married her dance instructor.

Also likely more for women but see if there is a book club you want to join.

So I am fit, I exercise daily, often in my building's work out room. Over the years I've met some friends/acquaintances this way but not because we're into feeling awesome about our bodies -because on those particular days we both were up for chatting (I default to "leave that person alone -it's 7:30am and I'm sure she doesn't want to chit chat while on the treadmill!" but sometimes if someone starts a convo with me or it seems like she wants to chat we do). I do see some friends bonding over fitness -those boot camp type gyms, those groups - as much as I am diligent about daily exercise I don't know that I'd bond over that or want to - I don't want to chat too much about bodies, weight, etc - it's a path that for me would lead to too much focus on that, been there done that. I also see people bond over running 5ks/marathons, etc. You might want to look into that.

Good luck!

Does meetup.com exist in your area? I've been pleasantly surprised at the amount of nice people I've met through it.

Search through it for hobbies, or things that you'd enjoy doing, and just start going. Most of them are free, and there are a million different little groups.

Here's the secret to making friends at this age: It goes a lot slower than when we were little kids.

Little kids bond over a toy or a game, or they get invited to the same parties and boom....instant friends. But little kids just as frequently fall out of friendships, as little kids "flake" too.

Adults bond more slowly, having been through all the flakes, fakes, etc. It takes more time. Which is why meetup, or volunteering (as Batya pointed out) is a great idea. You get the chance to see the same people over and over, and you are bonding over that *thing*.....that volunteer work, or that meetup group.

I was recently surprised at a meetup that I had stopped going to for a few months because I had stopped doing the hobby that the group was about. I showed up last weekend, and I got so many "We were wondering about you!" and "We missed you!". Honestly I didn't realize anyone would notice!

I agree and this is a great example of not realizing how people do notice you and sometimes it just takes being a bit more proactive (and you won’t have a young child with you who just might say to someone you see again after some time “my mommy forgot your name”).

Yes unfortunately as far as platonic friendship goes, people don't generally care if you work out and have a fit body. If they did that would be pretty shallow! I think it's great you're looking after your health and building confidence through gym, but you may need to look outside of that as well.

You said you don't want to go to a bar by yourself. I actually think a bar is the last place to make actual friends because people are just trying to hook up there. You could probably pick up for sex or dating but it's really the wrong place for platonic friendship. Unless it's a specialised or themed bar that attracts regulars. E.g. video gaming bar, vegan bar, something like that. I think there's also a problem with trying to make friends at the gym in that just because all these people go there, doesn't mean you have a lot in common. If you went to hobby groups or classes then you would have those interests in common. Maybe even being on a team for a specific sport. But just seeing people occasionally at the gym and the main common interest being to work out I think is not substantial.

I think you might need to start looking to your other hobbies and interests to try to connect with people. Join Meetup groups, social groups, social events. Just start Googling things you like doing and see what comes up. You actually can also meet people online through websites or apps like Patook on or maybe online forums or Facebook pages. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to get instant friends and try to just enjoy the experiences.

Also are you sure you weren't too hasty about getting rid of all your other friends? What was wrong with them? Of course if someone is a terrible friend, you should get rid of them. But if it's just the fact that they're not as ambitious as you regarding work or gym, is that really worth ending the friendship over? It's definitely hard to make friends as an adult. So I think you need to value your friends and not be too picky. Sometimes they may seem like they have no ambition because they don't have a career or whatnot, e.g. fast food attendant. But as long as they're a good person and you click then that probably doesn't matter.

You sound like you are a bit full of yourself. A little modesty can go a long way.

What are your interests outside of the gym?

You get upset about someone judging you about a profile name, yet you have cut people out of your personal life because they don’t “care about success”?

 

What does success mean to you?

A cut body? Perhaps to them it is having a loving family , kids , friends who enjoy and appreciate the same success, mediocre wage and a pot belly ?

 

You don’t sound like a positive influence to be around tbh.

And you don’t sound like you are successful?

 

Sorry but I think you need to rethink what actually matters to you?

I didn't get "upset" about it, I was indirectly pointing out that it's ridiculous to judge someone by their profile name, because it is.

And you've got it all wrong, I didn't give all the details on WHY I cut those friends out. Basically we grew apart. I'm trying to look forward to and focus on the future while they are stuck in their own ways and in the past. Their priorities are screwed up to where their definition of hanging out is smoking pot and drinking at bars, clubs, and partying in general. I'm trying to grow up a little and not do that stuff anymore, so it's hard to be around that type of friend group. They never wanted to do anything like chill out and barbecue or play video games or something. It always had to have weed or alcohol involved for them to enjoy themselves and be interested.

Literally 2 of those friends refuse to get good paying jobs because it means they have to give up weed to pass drug tests, then complain that they don't have any money and are broke; I don't need those types of people in my life with screwed up priorities anymore.

Call me selfish or whatever, but like I said, I'm trying to surround myself with more positive people. I don't care if they are into fitness or not, I just want people in my life that have a sense on where they are going and will come through.

Yes unfortunately as far as platonic friendship goes, people don't generally care if you work out and have a fit body. If they did that would be pretty shallow! I think it's great you're looking after your health and building confidence through gym, but you may need to look outside of that as well.

 

You said you don't want to go to a bar by yourself. I actually think a bar is the last place to make actual friends because people are just trying to hook up there. You could probably pick up for sex or dating but it's really the wrong place for platonic friendship. Unless it's a specialised or themed bar that attracts regulars. E.g. video gaming bar, vegan bar, something like that. I think there's also a problem with trying to make friends at the gym in that just because all these people go there, doesn't mean you have a lot in common. If you went to hobby groups or classes then you would have those interests in common. Maybe even being on a team for a specific sport. But just seeing people occasionally at the gym and the main common interest being to work out I think is not substantial.

 

I think you might need to start looking to your other hobbies and interests to try to connect with people. Join Meetup groups, social groups, social events. Just start Googling things you like doing and see what comes up. You actually can also meet people online through websites or apps like Patook on or maybe online forums or Facebook pages. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to get instant friends and try to just enjoy the experiences.

 

Also are you sure you weren't too hasty about getting rid of all your other friends? What was wrong with them? Of course if someone is a terrible friend, you should get rid of them. But if it's just the fact that they're not as ambitious as you regarding work or gym, is that really worth ending the friendship over? It's definitely hard to make friends as an adult. So I think you need to value your friends and not be too picky. Sometimes they may seem like they have no ambition because they don't have a career or whatnot, e.g. fast food attendant. But as long as they're a good person and you click then that probably doesn't matter.

Thank you for being one of the few of putting a genuine answer instead of calling me out on stuff. The main reason I cut those friends out was lack of ambition and not going anywhere in life. Like, they never wanted to do anything unless it involved weed, alcohol, going to bars, clubs, or partying in general. I'm trying to not do that stuff as much anymore because I'm more focused on the future and want to grow up a little. Sometimes I want friends where we can just chill out, have meaningful conversations, play video games, barbecue, go to events, whatever. They were never interested in any of those things and just wanted to drink and smoke instead, and I've lost interest in that. I try to invite them to go to the gym with me as a way of finding common interests to still hangout since I'm so serious about that, because my job doesn't allow me to smoke weed, and alcohol isn't part of my fitness plan. I'm cool with partying every once in awhile, but not on a weekly basis like they do.

Also, some of them have their priorities screwed up in life. They think partying is more important than getting good jobs and their future. Like, they will think I'm lame for not going out with them late at night in the middle of the week or something like that, when I have to be at work at 6 in the morning.

Honestly the area I live in doesn't really have too many groups or social events where you can actually meet people; and if there are, it's mostly aimed at middle aged/older people rather than around my age.

You sound like you are a bit full of yourself. A little modesty can go a long way.

 

What are your interests outside of the gym?

Literally anything, I'm not a picky person by any means. I work 50 hours during the week and so when I'm not at work, I'm at the gym. Video games, movies, bowling, concerts, parades, barbecuing, swimming, playing pool. I'm the type of person to try anything at least once. I feel like because I put that I'm into fitness, people just assume I'm a 'meathead' and that's all I care about is lifting, which just isn't true.

Literally anything, I'm not a picky person by any means. I work 50 hours during the week and so when I'm not at work, I'm at the gym. Video games, movies, bowling, concerts, parades, barbecuing, swimming, playing pool. I'm the type of person to try anything at least once. I feel like because I put that I'm into fitness, people just assume I'm a 'meathead' and that's all I care about is lifting, which just isn't true.

So any reaction to the suggestions I and others made for volunteer work, etc?

Something about having good friends, it takes work as in the way you would nurture a plant for it to grow properly. But, at the same time, it's effortless as in you get to simply be you. There are no expectations, no demands.

Sometimes you really connect with people, sometimes you don't, sometimes it's superficial. That's okay. It's trial and error until you find those great long lasting connections. What has worked for me, I have met potential friends through taking classes (of things I enjoy doing), volunteering and meeting people through others.

Since you like the gym so much, have you thought about taking fitness classes (or any sporting activity that you like) so you'll meet like-minded people?

I hope the above helps you. :)

I agree with removing certain people out of your life such as friends who are negative influences on you. I've since done the same long ago and never regretted it whatsoever.

My mother always taught me: "Your friends are your future" and "birds of a feather flock together." It couldn't be further from the truth.

There are so many ways to meet wonderful people. Since I've been married for a long time, most of my happily married couple friends met either met in college, work, church, through mutual friends and family and the like. You have to put yourself out there in society and know where certain high quality people congregate.

They aren't doing drugs, drinking and partying. Most normal people whom I know lead a clean cut lifestyle. They're very busy with education, career, taking excellent care of their health with diet and exercise, financially comfortable and lead stable, settled lives. Go where they are if you want the same.

Hmmmm...So do you live in a small town? There are definitely not many things to join like social and hobby groups? You can't get anything to go to from Meetup.com around your area? Do you drive and would you be prepared to drive a bit further for activities? Like drive 30-60 minutes? What about work, anyone nice there?

I totally get that you're really invested in the gym but I'm just not sure whether you can get good quality friends from there. I mean, maybe you can but it's just a bit difficult to get into meaningful conversations because people are working out and people sort of just come and go. Like, you arrive and see someone you think is nice, but they might be leaving and can't chat. You might also have nothing else in common with some people there except they like to work out. Lots of people like to work out but they could be completely different and have totally different interests and values. Some could be actual meatheads and party people, which you said you don't want.

I think to make friends you will have to put a lot of effort in and maybe even go out of your way. Same as with gym, with no work you can't expect a six pack. So if you don't put in extra effort into friendship, nothing will happen.

I would recommend in any social situation to really put yourself out there and even make the first move. Like anywhere you come across people your age, you could start chatting to them, get their social media, get their number, etc. Then say to them: "Hey, did you want to come over to play video games this weekend?" Or why don't you actually host a barbeque? Make a date and tell a bunch of people at work and the gym to come and tell them to bring their friends too. The more people you know, statistically more chances to click with someone. You might have to take the lead with a lot of this stuff. Other people already have friends so they may not be reaching out to you as much. But that doesn't mean they wouldn't want to hang out if you made the first move.

Google all your hobbies and interests and see what's available in your area. Go and try whatever is available. You seriously never know who could be there!

8.5 years ago I went to a Meetup only once and I met a girl there. Mind you she's like 5.5 years younger than I. So I was 26 and she was like 20-21. So not exactly my age. After meeting only once, she friend requested me on Facebook. Then it was me that began inviting her to different activities and events. Guess what? This girl is my bestest friend ever, we are inseparable.

You have to think outside of the box and give everything a chance! Maybe someone may not be exactly your age but they could be a great person and good friend! I'm 34, my three best friends are 27, 29 and 36. My fiance is 28. So as you can see the people I connect with the most are not exactly my age. Back when I met two of them I was 26, one friend 18 and one 20. That's a big age gap at that age but I saw a connection and I went for it. I get along with older people too.

Lots of good advice already posted, chiming in to say you need a lot of patience to make friends as an adult, you’re looking for Your people and they might be thin on the ground. This is a long game, keep at it. It took me yeeears to make good friends again after a period of having none

Since you are into fitness why don’t you do a team sport?

With that comes lots of social activities?

I’m sure there is soccer, hockey, softball , some sort of sport in your area!

I definitely agree with team sport over just going to the gym.

Have you ever volunteered before?

Or take a class?

And newish car doesn't have an impact on friendships.