What guys really want?hanging out with girls a lot who they are not interested.

Hi! This is my first post here.

So long story short. I met this guys several months ago. After went out in group settings several times. We started to hang out 1 on 1. A lot. Like every week, we would spend long hours together, chatting everyday. Sometime we even stayed up till 3 am at my places drinking, talking watching movies.

I allowed this happened because I knew I developed affection on him. And I assumed, in most cases, this means the attraction is mutual.

But apparently I was wrong. (he was not trying to get laid, he is not gay). Nothing romantic or sexual happened. So after 2 or 3 months like this. I started to think this was really weird instead of he was just slowing things down. I found myself got stuck in the situation. So I decided to to tell him I liked him and I had no intention just being a friend. But he was confusing me so I need him to go away and think what he want next. He acted surprised and said he need time to think. 2 weeks later, he said all of these were nothing more than friendship, and wanted to be just friends.Then I closed this chapter.

Knowing him didn’t like me back isn’t that heartbreaking. But his actions really confused me. In my life with guys, I have never experienced a guy would spent so much time on a girl he is not interested in. So really want to understand the mindset behind it. Or I just met someone who has no sense of boundaries and standards?

So really want to understand the mindset behind it. Or I just met someone who has no sense of boundaries and standards?

Men can be friends with women and not want a romantic relationship with them.

You enjoyed his company, correct? Not sure why the leap to suggest he had boundary and standard issues. I suspect it's the disappointment talking.

Unless he imposed himself on you in some way, he was just trying to be your friend. That's his mindset. Pretty simple.

You either go forward understanding this or learn to suss out guys that only want to be your friend and tell them you can't.

Hi! This is my first post here.

 

So long story short. I met this guys several months ago. After went out in group settings several times. We started to hang out 1 on 1. A lot. Like every week, we would spend long hours together, chatting everyday. Sometime we even stayed up till 3 am at my places drinking, talking watching movies.

 

I allowed this happened because I knew I developed affection on him. And I assumed, in most cases, this means the attraction is mutual.

 

But apparently I was wrong. (he was not trying to get laid, he is not gay). Nothing romantic or sexual happened. So after 2 or 3 months like this. I started to think this was really weird instead of he was just slowing things down. I found myself got stuck in the situation. So I decided to to tell him I liked him and I had no intention just being a friend. But he was confusing me so I need him to go away and think what he want next. He acted surprised and said he need time to think. 2 weeks later, he said all of these were nothing more than friendship, and wanted to be just friends.Then I closed this chapter.

 

Knowing him didn’t like me back isn’t that heartbreaking. But his actions really confused me. In my life with guys, I have never experienced a guy would spent so much time on a girl he is not interested in. So really want to understand the mindset behind it. Or I just met someone who has no sense of boundaries and standards?

I'm sorry you got stuck in this line of thinking. I used to feel the same way about girls - if they spent time with me that means they want to date me right? That's not the way it is at all. Everyone has their own preferences for what they are looking for in a partner, and it is perfectly possible to like someone of the opposite sex as a very close friend that you never want to date. Nothing romantic happened in 2 or 3 months where you had pretty close contact - I'm surprised you didn't initiate anything sooner. But I guess there just weren't any strong signs from him that would have made you comfortable in sharing your feelings. So instead you waited until you couldn't take it anymore. If there are no strong signs that a guy has feelings for you (like, something romantic or physical), that is probably a sign that he doesn't.

May I ask how old you are?

From the little you've written, it's hard for me to understand why you may think this particular man has "no sense of boundaries and standards." He sounds like he was friendly, never crossing or blurring lines, unless I'm missing something. He saw you as a person, not a conquest or sex object, and treated you as such, no? Had he been interested in more he would have done what you, who was interested in more, eventually did: expressed that clearly, in words or actions or some combination.

I can understand, of course, that when two single people of the opposite sex meet, and start hanging out, that one or both may be wondering if there's some potential there. But that isn't automatic just because of the opposite genders. Do you not believe that men and women can be genuine friends?

He sounds fine to me. He has perfect boundaries and standards and respect for himself and others.

He just wants to be friends and nothing more.

Not all guys are the same. Some guys want a relationship whereas other guys just want to be friends and that's it.

Try not to feel as if it's a heartbreak. Your hopes were too high so lower them.

In other cases, some guys want to be friends first and see how the friendship will develop. They prefer to take things slower and get to know you better before evolving into a relationship.

It will be good for you to have a sense of boundaries and standards. Don't think every guy has intentions of becoming your boyfriend and beyond. Expect less of men and you won't feel as disappointed anymore.

I know of many many situations where one person is attracted and the other person isn't. Been on both sides of the situation. Being attracted to someone doesn't mean at all that that person is attracted to you -that never actually occurred to me to equate the two. Allow someone permission to interact with you and develop a friendship. If you want more, be honest with yourself and keep your distance if your attraction is strong such that hearing about your friend's romantic pursuits would hurt you emotionally. Take care of you. It's totally fine that he hung out with you in the way he did. Did you ask him out on a date during that time? People are not mind readers. I'm sorry you are disappointed.

Or I just met someone who has no sense of boundaries and standards?

Huh?

I see this as quite the opposite. He only sees you as a friend, so he never tried for anything more just for the sake of getting some sex. His boundaries and standards are commendable, in my opinion.

He really did just enjoy your friendship, OP. It's not complicated.

So really want to understand the mindset behind it. Or I just met someone who has no sense of boundaries and standards?

You are seriously confused and don't seem to understand exactly what boundaries and standards mean. This guy told you he wanted to be friends. To me, he was a perfect gentleman and plenty standards and boundaries. I think you're disappointed that he didn't jump in and have sex with you and only wanted a friendship with you.

What's wrong with a man just wanting to be friends with a girl? We can do that. My best friend is a girl and I have never tried anything with her and never intend to. And it's not that she is not attractive, I'm just not attracted to her in that way.

I do also see fairly often girls (and sometimes guys) labelling guys as gay if they are not trying at every opportunity to get into a girl's pants. It's like I have nothing better to do than get laid.

If you are not sure where you stand, ask him, the earlier then better. Don't assume anything.

Sorry this is happening, just pull back and get on dating apps to start messaging and meeting other guys.

Have you read the book : "He's Just Not That Into You"?

https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/6842.Greg_Behrendt

I allowed this happened because I knew I developed affection on him. And I assumed, in most cases, this means the attraction is mutual.

Nothing romantic or sexual happened. So after 2 or 3 months like this. I started to think this was really weird instead of he was just slowing things down.

He sounds like a lovely respectful guy , who was just a friend. He didn’t do anything to suggest he wanted more than friendship and completely respected the boundaries of friendship.

I’m sorry you misinterpreted it.

Well, "guys" or "gals" don't all think and behave the same way. Although we can observe trends and similarities, there's a thin line between these similarities and generalizations.

As far as your question goes, you assume the attraction was mutual. That's a mistake on your part. Never assume someone is attracted to you. Especially if all you did was hang out and talk. The fact nothing romantic or sexual happened should have tipped you off. A man who is attracted to you will make an advance.

Many women and men make the mistake of confusing being liked and attraction. Many people can like you, want to spend time with you, but not feel any attraction to you.

If you are attracted to a male and they are making no romantic advances/conversation/flirting they may need a bit of encouragement. It's more of an art than a science.