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Thread: Ex fiance broke up with me after 3.5 years + plenty more

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Are you still living in the house together? Who will move and who will buy out whom? Why not get to an attorney to get some tips and options on how to navigate this without getting burned.

    Also you may have great friends and family but this kind of being depressed and "drinking incidents" implies that you are in significant denial and will just keep going out with friends, drinking (recent drinking indicates there is no sobriety or commitment to that), moping and generally be inert and numb.

    Get to some group support and a therapist. Even if she leaves for good, you''ll just drag your misery and denial into the next situation, then wonder why they find someone else and leave after talking to a moping wall for too long. Then you'll drown your sorrows again blaming them for "cheating", "not giving you a chance', etc. and make yourself the victim.

    The trajectory you're on has a very predictable pattern. But you don't want to see it.
    We do still currently live together, but she doesnt sleep at the house much. Maybe 2-3 nights a week. She mostly stays at friend's places. She comes home to do homework, shower, grab clothes, or do laundry. Beyond that she's hardly at the house when I am.

    I'm keeping the house and buying her out. Ive recently drank because of social environments. I went to a wedding and had a glass of wine. I also went out with a friend who unfortunately pressured me to have a beer. But immediately felt terrible and fairly defeated that I allowed peer pressure to grab hold. I do intend to stick to my sobriety and continue recognizing my alcohol issues. I didnt notice how much of an alcoholic i was until I had that first drink 1.5 months into my sobriety. I'm recognizing and resolving my issues with alcohol.

    As far as the house goes, we have come to an agreement that is fair for the both of us. Buying her out with some help from my family with what we can afford. She's agreed to deduct half of the closing costs from the buy out money. Which is a huge help. We are being civil with each other and can finally be somewhat comfortable around each other. We've talked about forming some kind of relationship eventually, because we were both huge parts of each other's lives. I dont want to rush that, and quite frankly dont know if I'll really ever be ready for that. I'd like to be, but for the time being I'm still processing everything and dont want to obsess about any kind of relationship with her. We both go to the same Jiujitsu class though, so We will be forced to see each other twice a week until one of us doesnt want to participate anymore.

    I can see how much of a slippery slope drinking will be. I do intend on staying strong in that aspect of my life. I've realized how much I truely enjoy life without drinking, and dont see the need to drink. I'm not in denial of my issues, I acknowledge them and fight very hard to address them. Almost everyone that I surround myself with drinks, so its a constant struggle, but one I'm willing to fight and overcome.
    Last edited by Genericuser4; 07-30-2019 at 11:48 AM.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent, get the paperwork started so you can get her and her stuff out and look for a tenant if you need to defray costs.
    Originally Posted by Genericuser4
    I'm keeping the house and buying her out.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Genericuser4
    My insecurities stem from a dating life being cheated on by nearly every relationship I've been in. So yes I know its none of my business what shes doing in her life, and I've been working on accepting that. I've made plenty of progress on that front. That being said, I dont know what else to do to work on my jealousy issues. I'm not ready for another relationship like she is, and I'm not really willing to go out of my way to do anything but make new friends and go out.
    And this is a really good place to be.

    You, yourself are still young.
    Consider the time you've been depressed and drinking as an emotional arrest of sorts. You have some much needed growing to do.
    Consider this time a good investment in yourself. At a later date, when this is all behind you, you'll be a much better partner and have an equally better outcome.

    Head high.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Genericuser4
    I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me, "yea shes a b&^%$ (not really) for not even giving you a second chance."
    You had 3.5 years of chances. She gave you a chance after your jealous behavior and inquisitions. She gave a chance day in and out of couch surfing together. She gave you a chance after every single alcohol-driven episode.

    You need years of working on yourself. And I don't mean that in a mean way. You seem to keep your past in your present. And until you can work that out, you will keep repeating this cycle over and over again with this girl to the next.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    You had 3.5 years of chances. She gave you a chance after your jealous behavior and inquisitions. She gave a chance day in and out of couch surfing together. She gave you a chance after every single alcohol-driven episode.

    You need years of working on yourself. And I don't mean that in a mean way. You seem to keep your past in your present. And until you can work that out, you will keep repeating this cycle over and over again with this girl to the next.
    You should read more of my responces. :)

  7. #26
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    I have. You need to take one day at a time. It took you over 3 years to get where you are. Recognition is the 1st step, but changes don't happen overnight. It takes retraining your brain, and months of putting things into action.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Excellent, get the paperwork started so you can get her and her stuff out and look for a tenant if you need to defray costs.
    Very difficult to do at this point. I'm currently saving as much money as I can to do the refinances since she's on the mortgage. And she currently doesnt have a place to live. I dont want to be petty and just kick her out. I also want to get some things together before refinancing the mortgage, and still need her to pay half of the bills. I'm getting things together but her plan is to move out September December or January. Going to be difficult to fully move on until that happens.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Genericuser4
    Dancing fool. I can agree with you to an extent. Because yes I was given alot of chances, but in reality she never truely talked about our issues with me With the exception of one instance of my jealousy issues. That was 1.5 years ago. So thats what made this originally so difficult. Yes she gave me chances but she never made it clear what was bothering her. I intend on making my changes permanent and start loving the me that I'm becoming.
    Purely from experience, I'd bet good money that she tried her best to address things with you, but it all got brushed aside or unheard. I know you think you heard her, but I bet you that you didn't. What you heard was more like that Peanuts cartoons where the teacher speaks and it sounds like "muh wah wah wah". Just noise that gets ignored, disregarded, forgotten. You are all action only now that hard consequences have bit you in the rear. Btw, in my experience, that's quite typical with people. They key here isn't that sh$t happens, but rather how you handle it and what you do about it going forward.

    There is a redneck comedian who hit this right on target, "If she ain't happy, you ain't gonna be happy. If she ain't happy long enough, you are going to be unhappy with half your stuff." Wise words to live by. What I'm getting at is that going forward, way down the road once you've healed, moved on, found a new love - pay more careful attention to what she isn't happy about. If you read back some of your posts, it's kind of obvious you were kind of sort of aware of the issues, long before le poo hit le fan.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    There is a redneck comedian who hit this right on target, "If she ain't happy, you ain't gonna be happy. If she ain't happy long enough, you are going to be unhappy with half your stuff." Wise words to live by. What I'm getting at is that going forward, way down the road once you've healed, moved on, found a new love - pay more careful attention to what she isn't happy about. If you read back some of your posts, it's kind of obvious you were kind of sort of aware of the issues, long before le poo hit le fan.
    Very important point here.

    It seems you knew there were problems, OP. Perhaps she never came out and directly said, "X,Y and Z really make me unhappy and it needs to change or I'm out" - but as I read your descriptions, there were clues she wasn't happy and that you knew some of your behaviour was problematic.

    In the future, heed those signals much more carefully. Work on changing problematic behaviour before it's too late. You will likely be much more sensitive to these things moving forward anyway, but a good lesson to keep in mind.

    In truth, you and your ex will likely not wind up close friends. You may part on friendlier terms, and keep in touch here and there, but most exes eventually drift apart as they both move on. It seems hard to imagine now, but you will both be okay and probably even happier someday with other people.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok so it's a bad fight, not really a breakup if you intend to live together this much longer. You'll have to work it out with her.
    Originally Posted by Genericuser4
    her plan is to move out December or January

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