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Thread: Ex fiance broke up with me after 3.5 years + plenty more

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The number one thing you can so to improve your life, decrease stress and most of all improve any relationships is address the problem drinking. Stop denying it, stop telling yourself 'it's manageable" stop making excuse. There are plenty of online in person and group resources out there and plenty of support available.

    "While there is no exact formula to determining whether or not someone is an alcoholic, symptoms often co-occur. One symptom may snowball into another, fueling additional problems down the road.

    Some of the most common symptoms of alcohol abuse are:

    Experiencing temporary blackouts or short-term memory loss
    Exhibiting signs of irritability and extreme mood swings
    Making excuses for drinking such as to relax, deal with stress or feel normal
    Choosing drinking over other responsibilities and obligations
    Becoming isolated and distant from friends and family members
    Drinking alone or in secrecy
    Feeling hungover when not drinking
    Changing appearance and group of acquaintances you hang out with
    No matter how minor a drinking problem may seem, alcohol abuse symptoms should not be ignored"

  2. #12
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    OP, I’ve just reread one of your posts here, and have a question,

    You said you’ve been talking to her about her intimate life since the break-up. What does this mean? That you two have been discussing her dating or sex life?

    I very much hope not, as it’s not your business and not at all the healthy way to “work on” your jealousy. If she’s openly sharing such personal details with you, tell her to stop. You don’t need to prove something to her by being “cool” talking about her private life.

  3. #13
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    Thank you all for the responses. Just as a follow up, I have had 3 drinks for the past 1.5 months since the breakup. My sobriety has been a source of my pride and my introspection. I have been working on myself more and more as the time has gone by. Alot of moping around at first, but now I'm going out just about every night, working on my artwork, and creating new friends. I guess most of this was just me getting it out there and being able to explain the whole situation to someone other than my support group.

    I have a very supportive family and friend group. They are proud of the strides I've taken, and so am I. I'm finally comfortable in my skin. I can now admit that the last 6 months of the relationship was taxing on both of us. I was depressed and it had to do alot with my drinking, relationship, and financial situation.

    I take my blame for my part in the breakup. I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me, "yea shes a b&^%$ (not really) for not even giving you a second chance." But i understand this is her decision, and theres nothing that can change that.

    My insecurities stem from a dating life being cheated on by nearly every relationship I've been in. So yes I know its none of my business what shes doing in her life, and I've been working on accepting that. I've made plenty of progress on that front. That being said, I dont know what else to do to work on my jealousy issues. I'm not ready for another relationship like she is, and I'm not really willing to go out of my way to do anything but make new friends and go out.
    Last edited by Genericuser4; 07-30-2019 at 09:54 AM.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Genericuser4
    That being said, I dont know what else to do to work on my jealousy issues. I'm not ready for another relationship like she is, and I'm not really willing to go out of my way to do anything but make new friends and go out.
    This will be a work in progress, stemming from building up your self-esteem and someday (when you're ready) dating a woman you feel is worthy of your trust. You will have to practice this by respecting appropriate boundaries, not endlessly questioning her when she is not by your side, and so on.

    You will also need to accept that if you feel you cannot be in a relationship without interrogating your partner, you should walk away. It's not fair to a partner who has nothing to do with past ex's bad behaviour.

    The damage was already done with your ex, as far as being jealous goes. But you can take those lessons forward when you are ready to date again. And no, don't rush into dating. It will be a while before you're in a good place to do so.

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  6. #15
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    I appreciate everyone's input. I'm going to be continuing my improvements on myself, continuing my sobriety, continue my introspection, and most important working on my self esteem. I'm starting to accept more and more that I need to move on with my life without holding up on my previous relationship. I'm going to do everything I can to remain civil with my ex and be a better person for myself and no one else. I understand that I've got alot to still do ahead. I've done alot already, but its still just the tip of the iceburg.

    My biggest thing is that she makes it seem like shes already over the relationship without having any feelings anymore. I guess I originally wanted someone to tell me that she couldnt be over everything so quickly, but quite frankly, Its not important anymore and just going to have me stuck in my negative thoughts.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You need to understand something that is critical not just about your ex, but any relationship. While you were in the relationship, she gave you a million chances, she forgave you a million transgressions, she put up with a lot of your sh$t. You didn't make strides to improve when it mattered, when things could still be turned around. You only went on this change binge once she was already checked out of the relationship, burned out, and done. Is she coming back? No. Depression, jealousy, drinking take a huge toll on your partner. This improvement you are doing has to happen - for you, for your future, for other relationships. This is a hard lesson. The biggest lesson is next time hear your partner and get your sh$t together before they walk out on you. Understand that by the time people make that decision to leave a long term relationship, the bridges have been on fire and burned to a crisp for months or even years. You aren't asking for a second chance at that point, you are asking for the million and one chance and unfortunately, there are no chances left. The bad stuff took too much of its toll. I sincerely hope that you stick to your changes and really continue to work on yourself not just while in the throes of despair over the breakup, but once the going gets tough several months from now, when slumping back to same old and what's familiar becomes a tempting choice. I hope you persevere and make those changes permanent. Onward and upward. 1.5 months is nothing, let's see a year or two from now.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I know it's not what you want to hear, but I suspect your ex feels like she gave you a number of second chances while you were together. Trying to soothe you when you were in interrogation/are-you-sure-you-love-me mode, getting over the drunken incidents, and generally hoping, repeatedly, that you would hear her concerns—those were all chances, the best she knew how to give them.

    It sucks, I know. Been on a similar roads. But I'm a big believer that we grow by learning to be compassionate for another's truth rather than resentful at someone for refusing to see, and adhere, to our truth. Bitterness, resentment: these are the things that keep us stuck, frozen. Compassion, acceptance: these are fertilizers of growth, of coming further into our truer selves so we can be genuinely open to others.

    Sounds like you're on a good path right now. Here's the thing: for it to become genuine—for it to be who you are rather just a performance to get her back—it needs to stick. The way you've been living for a few weeks? That has to become a year, years. Many people will go into self-work mode following a breakup. They get sober, get fit, get spiritual, fueled by pain and a desire to get back together. Pain fades—it always does—and people don't always get back together. So the question becomes: Can you stay on this path once the hurt fades? Can you stay on this path regardless of what happens with her? Can you walk this path right now for you, not just for her?

    And that's the irony: the only way back together is if you can operate without that being the explicit goal. When it's the goal—of the pushups, the booze being poured down the sink—it's a touch inauthentic, like dieting in order to look hot in a bathing suit come summer as opposed to being a healthier person for life. When you're really doing it for yourself, and growing into a healthier shape in the process, you've already "won," even if you don't get her back. A relationship is supposed to be a bonus, a compliment to our selves, not the thing we live for.

    Regarding the jealousy stuff, and the age gap, something to think about: I'd imagine one of the appealing things about dating someone who was 18 (and 16 when you first felt the flutters) is that she seemed less threatening than other women you'd been with—less autonomous, less defined in her own skin, and, therefore, less of a "risk" when it came to fidelity. But alas: you couldn't keep those jitters in the can, and she ultimately needed to spread her wings a bit. Point being? We don't hedge risk by choosing "safe" people, but by building strength in ourselves. Once you know you can withstand the blows life might deliver you can live without being guided by fear.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    You need to understand something that is critical not just about your ex, but any relationship. While you were in the relationship, she gave you a million chances, she forgave you a million transgressions, she put up with a lot of your sh$t.
    Dancing fool. I can agree with you to an extent. Because yes I was given alot of chances, but in reality she never truely talked about our issues with me With the exception of one instance of my jealousy issues. That was 1.5 years ago. So thats what made this originally so difficult. Yes she gave me chances but she never made it clear what was bothering her. I intend on making my changes permanent and start loving the me that I'm becoming.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    And that's the irony: the only way back together is if you can operate without that being the explicit goal. When it's the goal—of the pushups, the booze being poured down the sink—it's a touch inauthentic, like dieting in order to look hot in a bathing suit come summer as opposed to being a healthier person for life. When you're really doing it for yourself, and growing into a healthier shape in the process, you've already "won," even if you don't get her back. A relationship is supposed to be a bonus, a compliment to our selves, not the thing we live for.
    Perfectly worded. I intend to make this stick. I'm really starting to love the "new me." I want it to become just me, Not just the "new me." I know its a process, but I really dont see myself going back to the way i was. I'm defeating depression one step at a time. I know that journey is a thousand mile road, but as long as I keep one foot in front of me I know I can and will overcome all my transgressions and insecurities. I'm finally happy with myself for the first time in probably 1.5-2 years. Next step is improving myself financially and career wise. Which I'm currently taking steps towards.
    Last edited by Genericuser4; 07-30-2019 at 10:54 AM.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you still living in the house together? Who will move and who will buy out whom? Why not get to an attorney to get some tips and options on how to navigate this without getting burned.

    Also you may have great friends and family but this kind of being depressed and "drinking incidents" implies that you are in significant denial and will just keep going out with friends, drinking (recent drinking indicates there is no sobriety or commitment to that), moping and generally be inert and numb.

    Get to some group support and a therapist. Even if she leaves for good, you''ll just drag your misery and denial into the next situation, then wonder why they find someone else and leave after talking to a moping wall for too long. Then you'll drown your sorrows again blaming them for "cheating", "not giving you a chance', etc. and make yourself the victim.

    The trajectory you're on has a very predictable pattern. But you don't want to see it.
    Originally Posted by Genericuser4
    We own a house together for just under a year now

    I came home and was moping around.
    She told me she would stay by her parents for a week and decide what she wanted to do.
    The next night she came home and told me to ignore her and act like she wasnt there.

    The problems:
    I wasnt helping around the house enough.
    She hated my insecurities and jealousy.
    We werent doing anymore activities.
    My drinking incidents.

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