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Thread: Do Narcs always return? Need advice.

  1. #1
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    Do Narcs always return? Need advice.

    my narc ex has been discarding me on and off for 2 years in October. The past month has been insanity with the times he ditches me and reels me back in. On Friday morning he texted me that “it didn’t have to end this way and we don’t have to hate or resent each other and it was on his mind all night” to which I said “I don’t hate or resent you. I’m just doing what need to be done in order to move on finally” (even tho he had just done this discard not me). He texted me saying “just know my heart hurts about all this. If you feel the need to reach out and email me something nasty just don’t...I already hate myself enough for not being able to love myself or you fully”. I ignored it. He said “ok you’re just gonna ignore me then” and I said “I won’t reach out. I don’t have it in me anymore. On my life, you will not hear from me. I hope you find your self love, take care Austin.” And his last text to me was “thank you, I hope you find your happiness keely.” ? was it all bs and a head game and manipulation ? Will he be back to hoover?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Keely, when are you planning on stopping this?

    You’ve already gotten tons of amazing advice.

    I personally asked you to DM me which you did and then you never responded.

    Aren’t you sick and tired of this merry go round? Or are you as addicted to the chaos as he is?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You've written about this guy before, yeah? And you're likely to hear much the same things this time around.

    We can reach for every diagnostic term in the book to define people, but at the end of the day people only "return" if we let them in. When the door is closed, when the texts go unanswered, they tend to move on, as do we.

    I can't tell you how he feels, what's genuine, what's not. Grasping at straws, I'd say the way he feels about you is probably pretty similar to the way you feel about him: a mix of affection and frustration, all of it stirred by emotional addiction and volatility, and all of it as genuine as is possible between you two, which is not very genuine on either end.

    Nor can I tell you if he will once again "hoover." No one can. What matters is whether you want to continue to indulge him if and when he does, and for the time being it sounds like you'd much prefer him to keep hoovering than not. If you don't, then you don't. People who hoover need something to suck up; deprive him of that, and he'll move on.

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    Here are 10 pages of answers for you from your last thread.

    Please read them, instead of asking the same question again:

    [Register to see the link]

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    They return as long as you need them to. Toxic goes both ways, no matter the label you want to use.

    Have you done this to him before?:
    Originally Posted by keelyflood
    “If you feel the need to reach out and email me something nasty just don’t

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    They return as long as you need them to. Toxic goes both ways, no matter the label you want to use.

    Have you done this to him before?:
    Have I ever discarded? If that was the question no I have not.

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    I think they will hang around or "come back" as long as they believe you can be manipulated.

    I realized almost immediately after I broke up with my ex boyfriend that he had narcissistic tendencies. Is he an actual narcissist with NPD? I have no idea. But I can tell you that he definitely has many personality traits that align with narcissism.

    I skimmed your post that was previously mentioned, and many of the qualities you noted of your ex are parallel to that of my ex. Refusing to get along with my friends and family, having no interest in my life and who I was outside of our relationship, lacking the ability to control his negative emotions when challenged and using degrading and disrespectful language in defense, regarding the sexual part of our relationship as the most important, having low self-esteem that he masked with egotism.... I could go on.

    He broke up with me first, but he maintained contact with me sporadically for months. He knew I still loved him and would always reply to him and be there for him even if it pained me in the process. But eventually the rose-colored glasses began to come off. And when he eventually hit me with "I want you back," he was surprised when I was not ecstatic. He had expected me to be overwhelmed with joy and immediately thank him for giving ME a second chance. He viewed me as weak.

    And perhaps I was, because I did take him back. But two months later, I had reached my breaking point with his behavior and broke up with him for good. I had finally seen the light on how manipulative (and narcissistic) he was. I stood my ground, and he was SHOCKED. I was finally no longer the weak girl he could get away with manipulating, withholding from, and gaslighting. I hung up the phone, and he has not reached out to me since. It's been nearly 6 months, and I don't think he ever will again. By reacting the way I did, it signaled to him that I was serious and, most importantly, strong.

    He kept coming back because he knew he could get away with it. I kept enabling him by tolerating his behavior.

    If you're really serious about wanting him to never return? Give him a run for his money. Do NOT keep tolerating his behavior or he will continue to see you as someone who is weak and able to be manipulated and coerced into accepting less than you deserve.

    In my experience, that is the only method that works.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    What you are asking is really this - will people keep using and abusing me if I allow them to use and abuse me? Duh....of course they will.

    Put down the crack pipe and walk away. Meaning block, delete, never ever ever speak to him again. Get out, stay out.

    Only once you do that and deal with the withdrawal, because you are addicted to this drama, will your head start to clear up and you'll actually start feeling better, making better choices and finally be free of this mess. It's not about him, diagnosing him, whether or not he discarded you, whether or not he'll come back. It's about YOU. What do YOU want out of life? Is this garbage of a low life of a loser guy good enough for you? No? Then drop him. YOU decide. Take control of your life. Nobody else is responsible for you.

    If you can't handle not contacting him, then hand your phone over to a trusted friend or family member. Do what you need to do to deal with your addiction, but deal with it. Stop playing this bs about how you just can't. YOU WERE fine before you met this creep, wth makes you think you can't be fine without him now? You can and will. Playing these sick games is what's not fine. Stop, just stop. Stop pretending you can't. You can.

  10. #9
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    People come back as long as you let them.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    In your other thread "Was I Dating A Socipath? Should I Expect Him To Return? PLEASE HELP.", you claim he was a sociopath, that seems even worse than a narcissist, no?

    [Register to see the link]

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