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Do Narcs always return? Need advice.


keelyflood

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my narc ex has been discarding me on and off for 2 years in October. The past month has been insanity with the times he ditches me and reels me back in. On Friday morning he texted me that “it didn’t have to end this way and we don’t have to hate or resent each other and it was on his mind all night” to which I said “I don’t hate or resent you. I’m just doing what need to be done in order to move on finally” (even tho he had just done this discard not me). He texted me saying “just know my heart hurts about all this. If you feel the need to reach out and email me something nasty just don’t...I already hate myself enough for not being able to love myself or you fully”. I ignored it. He said “ok you’re just gonna ignore me then” and I said “I won’t reach out. I don’t have it in me anymore. On my life, you will not hear from me. I hope you find your self love, take care Austin.” And his last text to me was “thank you, I hope you find your happiness keely.” ? was it all bs and a head game and manipulation ? Will he be back to hoover?

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You've written about this guy before, yeah? And you're likely to hear much the same things this time around.

 

We can reach for every diagnostic term in the book to define people, but at the end of the day people only "return" if we let them in. When the door is closed, when the texts go unanswered, they tend to move on, as do we.

 

I can't tell you how he feels, what's genuine, what's not. Grasping at straws, I'd say the way he feels about you is probably pretty similar to the way you feel about him: a mix of affection and frustration, all of it stirred by emotional addiction and volatility, and all of it as genuine as is possible between you two, which is not very genuine on either end.

 

Nor can I tell you if he will once again "hoover." No one can. What matters is whether you want to continue to indulge him if and when he does, and for the time being it sounds like you'd much prefer him to keep hoovering than not. If you don't, then you don't. People who hoover need something to suck up; deprive him of that, and he'll move on.

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I think they will hang around or "come back" as long as they believe you can be manipulated.

 

I realized almost immediately after I broke up with my ex boyfriend that he had narcissistic tendencies. Is he an actual narcissist with NPD? I have no idea. But I can tell you that he definitely has many personality traits that align with narcissism.

 

I skimmed your post that was previously mentioned, and many of the qualities you noted of your ex are parallel to that of my ex. Refusing to get along with my friends and family, having no interest in my life and who I was outside of our relationship, lacking the ability to control his negative emotions when challenged and using degrading and disrespectful language in defense, regarding the sexual part of our relationship as the most important, having low self-esteem that he masked with egotism.... I could go on.

 

He broke up with me first, but he maintained contact with me sporadically for months. He knew I still loved him and would always reply to him and be there for him even if it pained me in the process. But eventually the rose-colored glasses began to come off. And when he eventually hit me with "I want you back," he was surprised when I was not ecstatic. He had expected me to be overwhelmed with joy and immediately thank him for giving ME a second chance. He viewed me as weak.

 

And perhaps I was, because I did take him back. But two months later, I had reached my breaking point with his behavior and broke up with him for good. I had finally seen the light on how manipulative (and narcissistic) he was. I stood my ground, and he was SHOCKED. I was finally no longer the weak girl he could get away with manipulating, withholding from, and gaslighting. I hung up the phone, and he has not reached out to me since. It's been nearly 6 months, and I don't think he ever will again. By reacting the way I did, it signaled to him that I was serious and, most importantly, strong.

 

He kept coming back because he knew he could get away with it. I kept enabling him by tolerating his behavior.

 

If you're really serious about wanting him to never return? Give him a run for his money. Do NOT keep tolerating his behavior or he will continue to see you as someone who is weak and able to be manipulated and coerced into accepting less than you deserve.

 

In my experience, that is the only method that works.

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What you are asking is really this - will people keep using and abusing me if I allow them to use and abuse me? Duh....of course they will.

 

Put down the crack pipe and walk away. Meaning block, delete, never ever ever speak to him again. Get out, stay out.

 

Only once you do that and deal with the withdrawal, because you are addicted to this drama, will your head start to clear up and you'll actually start feeling better, making better choices and finally be free of this mess. It's not about him, diagnosing him, whether or not he discarded you, whether or not he'll come back. It's about YOU. What do YOU want out of life? Is this garbage of a low life of a loser guy good enough for you? No? Then drop him. YOU decide. Take control of your life. Nobody else is responsible for you.

 

If you can't handle not contacting him, then hand your phone over to a trusted friend or family member. Do what you need to do to deal with your addiction, but deal with it. Stop playing this bs about how you just can't. YOU WERE fine before you met this creep, wth makes you think you can't be fine without him now? You can and will. Playing these sick games is what's not fine. Stop, just stop. Stop pretending you can't. You can.

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Why haven't you blocked him? Why do YOU allow this? I guess you like him come back, even though you call him a sociopath and narcissist

 

At its core, thats actually what she asks each time.

 

Within their on again off again toxic relationship the off period causes the OPer extreme anxiety, maybe abandomnent issues sprinkled in there? So I think, she searches out all these buzz words to soothe her until he comes back again.

 

She never actually intends to leave him, and she never actually does. Notice in every post the core question she ALWAYS asks, 'will he come back?' thats her true concern, nothing else.

 

Its truly unfortunate since this has become abusive. I have reached out to her in the past, hoping to offer her some help, she dropped off the map, Im assuming because they were back 'on' again. Its a vicious cycle indeed, but one she will most likely stick with for a while, which is very very very dangerous if hes becoming abusive, but as someone whos lived that life, I can say until she is truly ready, or he dumps her for good, or someone God forbid gets hurt, this cycle will continue. Just promise you wont bring children into this Keely...

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It was.

 

This has happened to me so many times with my narcissistic ex and it's still happening.

 

He wants to know that you can fall back onto you whenever he wants, he wants you to be an option and he'll play with your head to do it. This feeds his ego.

 

Here's how it goes:

 

He ignores you during the day. He doesn't think about you or consider you in any parts of his everyday life but at night, when he's all alone with his thoughts and he has to sit with the fact he's alone he feels sorry for himself.

 

What does he do to when he feels sorry for himself? He messages you because your availability to still discuss your relationship with him gives him the safety he's looking for. I want to be brutal here, he does not CARE about how things ended because a naracistic person lacks that ability so they mimick sympathy: they say something that will pull you in or give him enough of an idea to see that you're still interested in entertaining conversation about your break up. He is playing a mind game with you.

 

When he's cold at night he knows you're always open to reconciliation and conversation. It doesnt matter what you guys talk about, he just wants to know that you'll take time out of your day to entertain him.

 

Keely, you need to gather all your integrity and faith in REAL and HEALTHY love and end his fantasy. You need to be stern and break that ego. I told my ex that he was a sick human being, he was sad, he was manipulative and our break up was my ultimate blessing. All true. After that, he left me alone because he knew I was living my life and not waiting for him. ...he never bothered me again after that. It's been at least 6 weeks.

 

 

You need to close him out of your life, you need to set your accounts to private, you need to block...Basically, you need to take control of who has access to you and your life.

 

If you don't, he will have you on speed dial forever. He will continue to disrespect you. He will know he always has access to you if he wants it.

 

A sick person like this is cancer. You're options: You can slowly heal the cancer but it still might come back and it still might make your life painful or difficult while you're trying to heal. That being said, you need to CUT the cancer out at it's source

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To answer you're initial question:

 

Narcs do this because they can and they don't have the capacity to feel bad about it. Normal human beings don't play mind games like this. They don't go around checking on people they've burned just to see if they still have power over the person.

 

Normal people don't go around dumping people just to sit them on the back burner in case they dont find anyone else... they won't. You most definitely have the upper hand, his ways will turn off a lot of sane women and he'll eventually meet some equally naracistic chick to play with.

 

Nonetheless, you need to stay away from people like this. He likes games. He will attract an equally narcissistic person and they will play games with each other until they're blue in the face.

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I have heard there is no real “final discard” and no matter what BS they feed you they will always return. Thoughts?

 

Wow...talk about proving my point...

 

At its core, thats actually what she asks each time.

 

Within their on again off again toxic relationship the off period causes the OPer extreme anxiety, maybe abandomnent issues sprinkled in there? So I think, she searches out all these buzz words to soothe her until he comes back again.

 

She never actually intends to leave him, and she never actually does. Notice in every post the core question she ALWAYS asks, 'will he come back?' thats her true concern, nothing else.

 

Its truly unfortunate since this has become abusive. I have reached out to her in the past, hoping to offer her some help, she dropped off the map, Im assuming because they were back 'on' again. Its a vicious cycle indeed, but one she will most likely stick with for a while, which is very very very dangerous if hes becoming abusive, but as someone whos lived that life, I can say until she is truly ready, or he dumps her for good, or someone God forbid gets hurt, this cycle will continue. Just promise you wont bring children into this Keely...

 

Keely, he will be back, he always does, until then...I dont know...read a book, go for a walk, maybe actually seek professional help so you can finally stop all this.

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It sounds like you are desperate to continue this game with him. Give him a call and he may take you back or you'll just have to wait until he gets tired of whoever else there is, gets lonely or bored or randy and then he'll probably call you again.

I have heard there is no real “final discard” and no matter what BS they feed you they will always return. Thoughts?
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I have heard there is no real “final discard” and no matter what BS they feed you they will always return. Thoughts?

 

You didn't answer my question (or anyone else's )...what about him and this situation do you find so wonderful that you want it to continue?

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To answer you're initial question:

 

Narcs do this because they can and they don't have the capacity to feel bad about it. Normal human beings don't play mind games like this. They don't go around checking on people they've burned just to see if they still have power over the person.

 

Normal people don't go around dumping people just to sit them on the back burner in case they dont find anyone else... they won't. You most definitely have the upper hand, his ways will turn off a lot of sane women and he'll eventually meet some equally naracistic chick to play with.

 

Nonetheless, you need to stay away from people like this. He likes games. He will attract an equally narcissistic person and they will play games with each other until they're blue in the face.

 

What? Yes they do. Plenty of men and women completely ‘sane’ check on exes to feed their egos, plenty of ‘sane’ men and women in on again off again relationships, emotionally healthy? Probably not, but sane nonetheless.

 

Seriously, I must say, Shane on you for villainizing mental illness, so you and people like the OPer can justify their own emotional dysfunctions. Get off Dr. Google, pull up your big girl panties and figure out how to end the cycle. Both of you, the OPer is being physically abused at this point, RB you say you’re emotionally abused, don’t you think your times better spend at getting distance and sitting with someone to figure out what made you susceptible to these types of men?

 

Trust me there are two types of scenarios for abusers.

 

Girl 1 - oh my god girl, this loser I went on a date with last night tried to order for me, and said he could really see a future with me, what a load right? I couldn’t leave fast enough! Take that love bombing bull somewhere else haha.

 

Girl 2 - oh my God girl I think I found the one, he said he felt the same after one date! I have been desperate to find someone and he said he sees a future with me, he even took control and ordered my food, wow, this must be it.

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OP, you are asking the wrong question.

 

The question isn't "do narcs return?"

 

The million dollar question for you is.......why? What is it in you, your childhood, someone from your past......why? are you allowing this?

 

This is something that's really terrific to work out with a therapist.

 

Find a therapist who is skilled at healing deep childhood trauma. Not necessarily physical trauma, but emotional, where everything might look happy and wonderful on the outside.

 

I have pages of a thread very similar to yours, with an ex very similar to yours. Kept coming back, kept contacting, blah blah blah. In the 2 years since that breakup, there's been much therapy and work that I've been through, and I was finally able to uncover the trauma, the reason, that this was so compelling to me.

 

It's easy to say "Block him!!" "Delete!!!" "Stop letting him!!", but it's almost impossible, until you get to the root.

 

Funny enough, this all made sense to me in the strangest way: I had to pull weeds on the side of my house, as I realized one day that the lawn guys are simply trimming them, and I was tired of them, so I spent a day pulling them out.....by the roots. There was this immense satisfaction, that finally.....finally!! these stupid weeds wouldn't grow back. And now, as new ones grow, I pull them before they get too big. We have to get to the root of this to make any changes.

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OP, you are asking the wrong question.

 

The question isn't "do narcs return?"

 

The million dollar question for you is.......why? What is it in you, your childhood, someone from your past......why? are you allowing this?

 

This is something that's really terrific to work out with a therapist.

 

Find a therapist who is skilled at healing deep childhood trauma. Not necessarily physical trauma, but emotional, where everything might look happy and wonderful on the outside.

 

I have pages of a thread very similar to yours, with an ex very similar to yours. Kept coming back, kept contacting, blah blah blah. In the 2 years since that breakup, there's been much therapy and work that I've been through, and I was finally able to uncover the trauma, the reason, that this was so compelling to me.

 

It's easy to say "Block him!!" "Delete!!!" "Stop letting him!!", but it's almost impossible, until you get to the root.

 

Funny enough, this all made sense to me in the strangest way: I had to pull weeds on the side of my house, as I realized one day that the lawn guys are simply trimming them, and I was tired of them, so I spent a day pulling them out.....by the roots. There was this immense satisfaction, that finally.....finally!! these stupid weeds wouldn't grow back. And now, as new ones grow, I pull them before they get too big. We have to get to the root of this to make any changes.

 

I like the analogy of the ex and the weed.

 

Sadly, I do not think the OP has any intention of helping herself. She enjoys the drama and chaos.

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