Break up advice

How should I break up with my controlling, manipulating husband?

We both share an apartment. The lease is up in November. I was thinking of finding another apartment for myself. Then when my husband and stepdaughter are at work and school, move out by movers. I was thinking of leaving my ring with a short letter. And I plan to tell him whn he calls and asks where am I to find a councellor, book appointment and pay if he wants to reconcile.

I don't intend on reconciling but I want to give him a taste of his own medicine. When I tell him I want councelling he says we dont need it and that I should pay.

Should I keep paying the rent at our place as it is still in both our names? I did ask the superintendant to remove it but they wont unless there is a separation agreement. My husband doesnt see that he's doing anything wrong and I doubt he will sign. I did see a lawyer and I was told if he wont sign, just move out and be apart for a year and I can request a divorce.

He is not physically abusive but I fear that if I break up with him before I move out he may try to convince me to stay or try to prevent me from leaving.

Any thoughts?

- I'm sorry about your situation.

The lawyer is giving you good advice. Control freaks are difficult if not impossible to reason with. It's all about them.

Just move out.

Why don't you act like an adult and tell him- to his face- you are done? Stop with the vindictive games.

I don't agree with your plan to move out surreptitiously while they're away.

If you don't intend on reconciling, no need to play games and make him think you will. If your name is on the lease, you'll be responsible for paying half of the remaining contract. Do you have a place to stay until November so you can still pay your half?

Have a sit-down with him and tell him that it's over and that you're leaving. If you're seriously afraid that he will physically try to prevent you from leaving, call the police or get a restraining order.

How should I break up with my controlling, manipulating husband?

 

Can you expand on this comment?

Listen to your lawyer and follow his advice. You need a formal separation agreement in order to get out of the lease? Why bother with the ring and note drama? Or waiting until the lease is up?

If you are hoping to use stunts to escape an abusive relationship, it won't work. It sounds like you are annoyed and want to manipulate your (husband, bf, whatever) into doing things your way. No one can help you if you can't make up your mind about leaving.

We both share an apartment. The lease is up in November. Then when my husband and stepdaughter are at work and school, move out by movers. I was thinking of leaving my ring with a short letter. I keep paying the rent at our place as it is still in both our names? I did ask the superintendant to remove it but they wont unless there is a separation agreement. I did see a lawyer and I was told if he wont sign, just move out and be apart for a year and I can request a divorce.

Can you expand on this comment?

Here's the full story:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560899

Be packed, then let him know you are leaving. Tell him your attorney will be in contact to deal with the housing and financial details.

Yes you need a good attorney if you actually want to leave. But it sounds like a ploy to get him to stop talking to other women.

I have been with my husband for 3 1/2 years and married for almost 2. I sponsored him and his daughter to come to Canada. I relized that I have made a big mistake with the marriage and sponsorship.

 

He and his daughter (F,13) is born and raised in Jamaica. He has been in Canada 4 years now and his daughter only two months. The problem is the cultural differences. My parents were born in the same country but grew up in Canada.

 

My family encouraged me to stay (because of the sponsorship ) which is why I am still with him. My husband is my only friend.

How should I break up with my controlling, manipulating husband?

 

I fear that if I break up with him before I move out he may try to convince me to stay or try to prevent me from leaving.

 

Noone can convince you or prevent you from leaving without your permission.

How do you leave him? You do it with dignity so you can look back with some self respect and never regret that way you handled it.

Originally Posted by Kaitlin9

How should I break up with my controlling, manipulating husband?

Can you expand on this comment?

Here's the full story:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560899

 

Be packed, then let him know you are leaving. Tell him your attorney will be in contact to deal with the housing and financial details.

Agree! Just leave him.

What a piece of work!

Follow your lawyer's advice. Whether or not you "should" continue pay rent is a legal matter, not a matter of opinion.

How will this affect your sponsorship of him and his daughter?

-I am not allowed to put things where I please in the apartment like for example putting scissors in the kitchen drawer, he will remove. I can't find anything this way.

-He will only have sex when he wants. If I initiate he pretends to not understand, or declines. He complains that I dont initiate, but I stopped trying because of this behavior

-He makes plans with other female friends first then tells me about it or puts me in an awkward position by asking them to do things when Im around without telling me first

-He offers rides to females with me driving before asking me even after we spoke many times about it

-When I tell him what bothers me, if he doesnt agree he will pretend to not understand or argue with me

-I wrote him a letter telling him I was unhappy and he did nothing different. He denied any wrong doing, was dismissive and after he thought because we talked the issues were resolved, etc etc etc

The immigration lawyer said because we don't have kids together and dont own a home together that I can get divorced without a lawyer as there is nothing to divide. The only issue for me with the sponsorship is that if he applies and gets employment insurance I will be on the hook to pay the goverment back.

It sounds like you want him to change and you somehow believe that letters, threats, drama, etc will achieve that. What is it you really what? Pay the government back for what? Were you financially enriched for sponsoring him/marrying him? Is this why your parents don't want you to divorce him and are on his side? Is he supporting you?

I will be on the hook to pay the goverment back.

It sounds like you want him to change and you somehow believe that letters, threats, drama, etc will achieve that. What is it you really what? Pay the government back for what? Were you financially enriched for sponsoring him/marrying him? Is this why your parents don't want you to divorce him and are on his side? Is he supporting you?

No my husband does not support me. We share some of the expenses.

My mother and sister think that it will be too financially draining for me to leave and be on my own due to the sponsorship. My mother is not a good source of advice as she stayed 25years in an emotionally abusive relationship. She never thought she could make it on her own. Since my parents broke up she has been fine. My dad and I are estranged so he doesnt know.

I don't think he will change. That is why I am leaving. There is no malicious intent. My only intentions are to leave safely without being harmed or killed. If you have a better plan, please share.......

You talk to real attorney including a divorce attorney and follow their advice, You need to get divorced if you want to leave. If you believe you don't need or want an attorney and think you can do a do-it-yourself divorce then get to court and start the paperwork.

If you want to leave make alternative living and financial arrangements and file for divorce. Also consult an immigration attorney and get accurate reliable advice about your responsibilities regarding your sponsorship and what that entails in the divorce.

Do not play guessing games and leave rings, notes etc if you actually feel that you need to "leave safely without being harmed or killed", even though you claim "he's your only and best friend". Chatting with other women and not putting things away the way You Want is not abuse.

Most of all make up your mind. Stick to your story when you speak with officials and do not vacillate or exaggerate or lie.

it will be too financially draining for me to leave and be on my own due to the sponsorship.

Harmed or killed?

Are you being dramatic or has he threatened you?

Are you obligated to continue to sponsor him even if you divorce him?

Harmed or killed?

 

Are you being dramatic or has he threatened you?

 

Are you obligated to continue to sponsor him even if you divorce him?

He hasn't threatened me. I'm being anxious. I guess that would be foolish on his part if he tried to hurt me he would have his PR revoked and sent back. Its just I've heard things and seen on the news when someone tries to leave, sometimes the person gets violent. I have a relative that broke up with her guy and he killed her and her sister because he didn't want anyone else to have her. Yes, the sponsorship still stands if we get a divorce for 3 years here in Canada. The only way it would be revoked is if he broke the law/ anything illegal.