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Thread: I think she might like me... but the uncertainty is killing me. Advice welcomed!

  1. #1
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    I think she might like me... but the uncertainty is killing me. Advice welcomed!

    1st post, please bear with me, I'm about to take a lot of words to probably say very little, but with my desire to not mess this up being what it is I'd rather give more details than less.

    So, a little background on me for context: 24, male, heterosexual, and haven't had a great deal of meaningful relationships to date. I wouldn't say I'm inexperienced but my experiences have always gone 1 of 2 ways, the first of those being more common than the second: I'm really fond of the girl and she's not interested for whatever reason. I think a couple of rejections as a socially awkward teenager have left me with an inferiority complex, I convince myself if I really like the girl that she must be out of my league and focus on the signs she might not be interested in me over and above any positive signs, this in turn reflects in my behaviour and nothing ever gets off the ground, either because I've sabotaged it myself or it was just never going to work, but in any case I do my chances no favours.

    The other type has been where I've felt little to no attraction on any level to the girl and/or there's little shared interests or compatibility, which I've never let progress to anything more than casual because it's a ty thing to do to lead people on when you know it isn't going anywhere. Often I've stayed friends with them, but when I know in my heart and mind that we aren't compatible I'm not going to be in a relationship like that.

    So: to the present day: I'm running a technology department for a medium-sized business that regularly hires groups of new junior staff for training and deployment, about 20 at a time, usually recent graduates or people 1-2 years into their careers. This most recently happened about 2 weeks ago, I was one of the first people they all met and did an onboarding/induction session with them all, one of the girls in the group stood out to me because of how much she was smiling, and how pretty she looked, I had a lot to do in the session and I think I only spoke to her directly very briefly, apart from thinking she gave off a really warm, friendly vibe it was nothing more than that.

    Fast forward a week and a bit and she and her best friend come up to me in the communal office kitchen, asking if I was coming to their group's welcome drinks that night. I was already planning to go for a short time at least, so I said that I was, and because their work was about to start she said she'll carry on the conversation that night. Again wasn't thinking anything except she seems friendly.

    That night, for the first hour or so we're just socialising separately and I didn't see her around for a while so starting preparing to leave as I'd already stayed longer than I'd intended to. Then we ran into each other and sort of immediately sat away from the other 60ish people who were there and start talking. And she's so inquisitive, so interested in what I have to say, and so open herself. I immediately felt able to open up in a way that just doesn't happen to me normally. I tell her my life story of how I almost ed everything up at university and after leaving, and turned it around by working all kinds of different jobs to get to where I am now and she seems so genuinely impressed. She talks about some insecurities that she has about the job she's doing, being from a different background to most of the others and feeling inferior in comparison. I point out that her tenacity and work ethic will mean way more than qualifications and as long as she works hard she'll do fine. We talk about what we want out of life, what is most important, I just love her attitude and demeanour, she's someone who'll succeed in whatever she does. So this goes on, and at points other people come and go from the conversation, we have a few more drinks each, its casual but its really nice.

    At the point where we're getting ready to leave, she tells me the tube station she has to go to and that she's awful at directions, turns out it was actually the station that I had to go to, so we agree to go there together. Then it becomes clear that her best friend has had way too much to drink and would need help getting home (in the opposite direction), so since nobody else left in the group even was paying attention I suggested we both accompany her at least to her tube station and then turn around and go back together. As we are leaving one of the men from this gathering appears and starts harassing the girl who drank too much and trying to 'help' her home, "my" girl kept hold of her as we were walking and I stayed close, calm but ready to act if this went too far. By the time we got to the tube station and the platform, this guy realised we weren't going to leave her and ran off at last.

    We get the drunk girl to her home station, turn around and get to where we both needed to go to, still talking, she mentions a show she really wants to see, we sat waiting for her train for 10 minutes or so, at one point I complimented her achievements and she just hugged me out of nowhere. I know she's at least tipsy at this stage and so am I, but we were getting on so incredibly well. As it's time for her to leave for her train, we hugged again, she kissed my cheek and I kissed her neck and shoulder, we held each other for what felt like forever but was probably about a minute at least, and she goes off home and I do the same.

    Then the part that I didn't expect: she had taken my number earlier, and almost immediately starts texting me, thanking me (for not being a selfish and letting her friend possibly get assaulted, i can only guess), telling me I'm incredible, a breath of fresh air, wonderful, phenomenal, she's texting all this to me and I can't quite believe it, it sounds almost over the top but I could tell she was being totally sincere. I don't know how to respond except to thank her, and I reiterated some of the things I complimented her on earlier, which just made her praise me even more. By this time it's pretty late, and we text each other goodnight.

    The next day, honestly I was totally unsure how to act, obviously being in a work environment again but almost overwhelmed by what had happened the previous night. We saw each other from a distance in the morning and smiled, but otherwise both had busy days. My feelings of insecurity/inadequacy were creeping up in the background and stopping me from sending her a message or anything and we didn't see each other again.

    Day after that was going the same way until I texted her out of the blue, asking about some work I knew she was working hard to complete, we chatted about it briefly, teased each other a little bit, then the conversation sort of died out. We didn't talk over the weekend, which it wasn't like I was expecting her to or anything. This morning, I was chatting to her best friend and she then walks over, they look at each other and the friend leaves us alone and we chat for a bit. Today she had lunch with a (male) colleague, which I thought nothing of except could it be that I am reading this really wrong? She does like me, right? Do some women just act like this without any romantic interest?

    With my past lack of success in relationships I'm really unsure of how to move next. Should I keep texting her trying to spark a conversation that goes somewhere? She says she hates small talk, and I honestly suck at it, and it didn't really do much when I tried last time? But maybe I just need to do it better.

    Do I try and chat to her during work hours? Find out when she's next going out for drinks with the group and try to invite myself along? Bite the bullet and ask her out? I was thinking of getting tickets for the show that she mentioned she wants to see, is that a sweet nice thing to do or is it too much/over the top considering this is the extent of things so far? I don't even know if she's single! (she knows that I am because she very cleverly slipped it into a question she was asking me, I'm not sure I'm smart enough to pull it off without making it obvious. having said that, if anything she was more forward once she found this out, definitely not less.)

    If there's no romantic interest on her part I'm mature enough to give it up gracefully and deal with the disappointment internally (I'm dreading this but trying to block it out and not be so negative) , but at least I want to know that its not because of anything I've done or not done. I also know, really, deep down, that it's not about this girl as much as it is about addressing my own weaknesses and insecurities, but at the same time I know that this girl is so uniquely wonderful, and the fact that she just might see something about me that she likes, I have to know I gave it my best shot - I'm wary of coming across in any way weird/too intense on one hand but equally, don't want my lack of action/timidness to put an end to whatever attraction she may possibly have towards me. It's so hard for me to judge these things and it's killing me!

    Any and all responses appreciated, and a genuine thanks to anyone who read all that, I really didn't mean it to be so long.

  2. #2
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    Yes. Bite the bullet. She will get tired of waiting for you to ask her out, so hurry up!

    Be careful with the work relationship...those can be tricky!

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by loyal
    Yes. Bite the bullet. She will get tired of waiting for you to ask her out, so hurry up!

    Be careful with the work relationship...those can be tricky!
    I'm thinking the same I've just got to approach it with a more positive mentality to give myself a fair chance.

    But the way she's acted until now... she'd expect me to ask her out potentially right? Or at least not be shocked/put off by me doing so?

    One good thing is she'll be working on a different site within 3 months so hopefully it won't be so much of an issue.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You have to be careful with coworkers. If you date her and things go bad, going to work and seeing her everyday is going to be the pits. Or are you her boss? Same deal. and in that case, she might just be looking for career advancement.

    But if you must pursue her, ask her for a date. That's the first step to understanding, lol. Talk is cheap, actions scream.

    Even better - wait and see if SHE asks you out. Crushes at work never die if you don't date!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Through more general office chitchat sound out the situation a bit more. For example if she has a bf, if she's being nice because she's new, etc. Keep in the loop if a group is going out after work. Do not ask her out at work and do not ask any personal questions, including relationship status.

    What you can do is invite her on some social media and feel that out. Make sure some other coworkers are on your page so it doesn't look too isolated. This way you can keep it in the coworker/friends area if she has a bf, etc. And if she's draped around some guy with heart emojis and whatnot, well back off.

  7. #6
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    I think you're working in a supervisory position, and it's completely inappropriate to pursue a relationship with her if she is, in any way, your subordinate. You got tipsy and crossed a line already. Maintain friendly and professional contact. Dating coworkers is always a slippery slope, but this a situation where you are involved in hiring and training. If she doesn't get hired, or things take a wrong turn in the training and hiring department, what are the ramifications of this little flirt-fest you have going and the physical contact and what she's talking about with her friend, the fellow trainee?

    If you are on equal ground in your employment and you are not working in a supervisory position, I think you need to ask her out for a drink after work, something casual. Keep in mind, if things don't work out with this coworker, you have to see her and interact with her every day, including hearing (through the grapevine) she's dating someone else, and maybe she dates someone else in the office. This will be your lot in life, and you will be expected to maintain a professional demeanor. Will she?

    Be aware of what you're stepping into, and the ramifications. I can guarantee some serious hot water if other trainees and potential hirees lose their potential spot because the teacher/boss/head-hunter was flirting with the pretty one.

  8. #7
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    I don't think it's appropriate to pursue someone who's your subordinate. Workplace romances are not the best and unless you're in the same position, it's a big no-no.

    Also, she's a stranger right now, since you hardly know her, saying she's uniquely wonderful is a bit jumping the gun. Try not to get ahead of yourself.

  9. #8
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    Appreciate every response, it's made me think a little more but not much clarification yet given the variety of answers!

    I found her Instagram, fairly certain there's no BF on the scene, in fact there's a post that hints at a breakup from about 6 weeks ago.

    If she wasn't sitting in the same building as me and I'm having to walk past her several times a day this wouldn't be half as bad and I probably would have asked her out by now.

    She's the type of girl that could date almost anyone she wants, she ain't asking me out or I'd be shocked if she ever did. I'm more concerned that being hesitant will cause her to lose interest/think I'm not interested, and I don't get much of a chance to ever talk to her during the day without really forcing it. I'm thinking if I know she's going out for drinks like tonight or tomorrow I'll go along and try to chat to her some more and probably ask her out or at least steer the conversation in a more romantic direction. If not, and if she seems as comfortable as she has done so far around me when I see her, I just want to ask her out. I'd rather at least know I tried and it didn't work out, than wait too long so the moment's gone and then see her with someone else, that would kill me. Even if she is open to taking things further I know I've got to step my game up to keep her attention.

    For clarification, she isn't my subordinate and we won't be working together at all, apart from that day 1 training session I don't interact with the group professionally much if at all. I'm in a little more of a senior role but she'd gain nothing professionally from sleeping with me, I know that much. She'll be in my office for the next 3 months and then off to another site for however long she stays at the company, so if anything did go wrong I wouldn't have to see or hear about her hardly ever.

    Why do I think so highly of her? I've genuinely never known someone so intellectual, inquisitive, empathetic, socially confident, interesting, honest and on top of all that she's beautiful enough to be a model. And she can see through my tough exterior (not ugly, not in her league but I'm pretty introverted) and not only understands but respects me for who I am. That's so rare and however this ends up going I'm glad I finally got to know what that feels like.

  10. #9
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    Its like I have no way of knowing if her mentality is along the lines of "this guy seems cool, really nice, hopefully I'll get to chat to him a bit more sometime soon" or if its more "i've kissed this guy and told him how great i think he is and he won't even make a move, can't wait around for someone who's obviously not that into me" and if I guess right I'll at least get a date with her, and if I'm wrong I'll either be really sad in secret or be really sad and probably the subject of gossip not that i give a damn about that

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    I think you're working in a supervisory position, and it's completely inappropriate to pursue a relationship with her if she is, in any way, your subordinate. You got tipsy and crossed a line already. Maintain friendly and professional contact. Dating coworkers is always a slippery slope, but this a situation where you are involved in hiring and training. If she doesn't get hired, or things take a wrong turn in the training and hiring department, what are the ramifications of this little flirt-fest you have going and the physical contact and what she's talking about with her friend, the fellow trainee?

    If you are on equal ground in your employment and you are not working in a supervisory position, I think you need to ask her out for a drink after work, something casual. Keep in mind, if things don't work out with this coworker, you have to see her and interact with her every day, including hearing (through the grapevine) she's dating someone else, and maybe she dates someone else in the office. This will be your lot in life, and you will be expected to maintain a professional demeanor. Will she?

    Be aware of what you're stepping into, and the ramifications. I can guarantee some serious hot water if other trainees and potential hirees lose their potential spot because the teacher/boss/head-hunter was flirting with the pretty one.
    Yeah, just to be clear that's not the how the relationship is. I don't have anything to do with her training or where she'll be placed, the worst thing that could possibly happen is I'd hear a piece of news that she's not supposed to know, and I'd keep it professional in that case.

    I agree if I was one of the trainers/teachers here, totally inappropriate. I'm not in that position at all.

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