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Thread: Miss my ex, despite who she was

  1. #1
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    Miss my ex, despite who she was

    Hi, I broke up with my ex of 3.5 years 3 months ago, she finished me, here's some of the backstory:

    We met online and instantly clicked, at the time she had very little friends, couldn't drive, was very insecure, but extremely caring and loving. She'd buy me everything, take me on dates, cook for me, we'd go on walks together, cuddle at night, bath together, i was so in love with her. She was like this throughout the whole 3.5 years, but there was also another side to her, some of which i found out only after the split. We spent basically every hour of every day together. I am quite introverted, she isn't as such, this is one of our differences, as i'd stop in usually and she'd go out with her friends etc.. That's not to say we didn't do things together however, we did a lot, she assured me that my personality wasn't an issue.

    We had ups and downs throughout the 3.5 years, but 90% of the time we got on incredibly well. I noticed early on she was very forward, wanting to move out together, wanting children, I wanted those things too, just not so soon. I also noticed she made and lost friends very quickly, there must be hundreds of them that have come and gone. I never questioned it could be her who was the problem however. I guess i had rose tinted glasses on for 3.5 years. I made it clear about her being too forward and she accepted it, but she'd continue to push for these things at times, even telling her friend that the only way she could have a child with me so soon would be to trap me and not take her birth control, i didn't know this until it was all over - i didn't know a lot, i'll come onto this later.

    I enlisted into the military last year, with her full support, it has always been my dream to serve in the military. I explained how we were too young to move in together and start a family, and that there's plenty of time to settle down, i wanted all of those things with her, but after we'd both lived life. I honestly thought i'd spend my life with her. She was at the time more than happy to support me. Prior to this there had been a few instances that i'd let slip, whether this was down to her insecurity or need for attention (she is very attention seeking) i don't know, but i'd caught her talking to her ex twice, i'd also caught her texting a guy who was sat in the same restaurant as us who she'd previously had contact with, whilst i was sat next to her. She said she was just being 'polite'.

    She would regularly scroll through my phone at night whilst i was asleep, watching me type in new passwords as and when i changed them (major insecurity?). She would come in from nights out and tell me how other guys had bought her drinks, that she'd take them purely because they're free, throughout the relationship she'd always wear a ring on her engagement finger, despite me not asking yet, citing that i was everything to her. She'd say how guys would come onto her and she'd either slap them or tell them she was engaged. She'd reassure me of this quite a lot. I had plans to give her everything she wanted this year, i'd saved up a house deposit, (she hadn't bothered to contribute, i'd have put 100% of the deposit down) and planned to pop the question. I was madly in love with her.

    Before i went into training she made out she was pregnant, which turned out to be false. She'd done this on a number of occasions before - she always seemed to do and say things to get a reaction out of me. Whilst i was in the military she'd tell me how she wasn't eating and was losing weight, and how she didn't know if the relationship would work. Through fear of losing her i discharged, and walking out of those gates was soul destroying for me. I'd decided however that losing the military was less hurtful than losing her. I was very depressed on my return, knowing that i'd given up on a dream, but i moved forwards anyway, for her. She started comparing our relationship to that of her friends, one had a child (and a very poor relationship i might add), the other recently got into a new relationship, and so was still in the rainbow phase. She also became more forward than ever in terms of marriage and children. I saved up every penny i earned to try and get our own place, i was months away from achieving it.

    During this time though i'd dream about the military, in the back of my mind knowing i'd made a mistake, but i was too attached to her to lose her. I made myself think i'd be happy with abandoning my dream and focusing on her, and to be honest, part of me was. I could sort of sense something was wrong towards the end, she purchased a load of sex toys to try and spice things up in the bedroom. Suddenly she said she didn't want children anymore. She'd ask me if i was bothered about her having male friends at work - i wasn't. She didn't see me as much and started going out every weekend with her mates. Then out of nowhere she finished me, saying she still loves me, but not like 'that' anymore. She wasn't interested in working things out, and largely made me believe it was all my fault - i was full of empty promises, she was tired of me delaying the house purchase and the children, despite saving everything i could for 2 years to make it happen.

    Since the breakup her friends have been honest with me, and some of them have cut ties with her (no surprises there, she goes through a lot of friends as stated); she came off birth control without telling me (which makes sense, she always said she wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to get pregnant), she also tried to get with one of my friends after an argument to 'get back at me', she wasn't losing weight during my time in training, she was absolutely fine - partying and what not. She'd deliberately make herself more attractive than my brothers girlfriends, through fear that my mother would prefer them to her. She'd even ask me who my mother preferred. I was never allowed any female friends, she'd message girls i'd known since high school and tell them not to contact me anymore. If a girl i knew or didn't know spoke to me whilst we were out, she would be horrendously nasty to them. She'd also go through her friends phones, making sure nothing was being said about her. If the spotlight wasn't on her, she'd do anything to achieve that. She was poisonous, but i just couldn't see it.

    You could say I've dodged a bullet here, and i'm now back in the military (i reapplied 3 days after the split, after i'd begged for her to take me back), i'm also dating another girl, but i find myself comparing her to my ex. She doesn't fill the void my ex left. I still miss her, and still dream about her, a part of me still loves her, despite the type of person she is. She was one of the most caring people i'd ever met, she'd give you her last penny. Whether this was all a front i do not know. I'm currently on leave, so the feelings have started to creep in again. I know it wouldn't work between us, and I've not contacted her at all for almost 3 months now, and i'm so happy to be pursuing my dream again. But part of me just wants to hold her and be with her.

    I still dream about her and think about her. I wonder if she's with someone else, what she's doing. I sometimes think i could of done more - i'm far from perfect. I never really clicked with her family, they were very shallow and only talked about others. I'm not that type of person hence i disliked being there. I also like my own space, so there were times where i stayed in instead of seeing her, despite making plans. I guess i just need some words of wisdom. The girl i'm dating at the moment is so much more suited to me, she's independent and has her own goals just like i do, but i just can't shake the feelings for my ex.

    Will i ever truly forget about her?
    Last edited by zxrr; 07-29-2019 at 10:26 AM.

  2. #2
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    Please break into paragraphs. Be kind to your readers.

  3. #3
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    I scanned through since it's long without paragraphs. It's best you stay single for a good year after such a long relationship. You need to learn to be happy solo without seeking a female bandaid for your wounds.

    Of course you will get over her, but it will take a lot longer than 3 months. You need to go no contact to begin the process of mourning, and to get to the part of healing. From what I gather, you neither share the same ethics nor the same life goals, so it'll never work. When you get time and distance from this relationship, you'll wonder why you stayed so long.

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    Sorry, have split the text up into paragraphs

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  6. #5
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    If you are just joining the military, then focus on that. Good luck.

  7. #6
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    Why would you allow anyone to buy you everything? Why was she paying your way? Is this what you usually do with women? Spending every hour together is not healthy, and couples should have interests outside of one another. You would allow this woman to support you?

    She sounds manipulative, insecure and controlling. Why are you commenting about the house deposit, as you said she had already been paying for everything?

    I think that you did see her behavior, but chose not to act on it. You knew who she was.

    You should not be dating, as you are still hung up on that unstable ex girlfriend. Break up with the current gf, as it is really selfish to date her while you have feeling for that lunatic. I also suggest you try to understand why you chose, and continued to stay with your ex. She is a toxic mess and you accepted her behavior all along. You got something out of it.

  8. #7
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    Stop dating the current girl, it's really unfair to her.
    Your ex sounds crazy. I don't get why guys get hung up on crazy. You need to stay away from her.

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    Maybe you took my words a little too far, i meant she'd buy me gifts and pay for meals etc.. as did i. She did not financially support me at all, i had a very good career before joining the military, it was just an example of how kind she could be at times. I have no idea why i didn't act on it, i just refused to see it as i was so infatuated by her. The house deposit is a very relevant thing, i had saved up over 15000, she had saved nothing, but cited i hadn't done enough to give her what she wanted - what i told her i'd provide for her. I went back to a job i hate, just because it paid well, to try and speed things up and make it happen, to make her happy.

    I did know her you're right, and i did confront her about her issues. I was just so in love with her i eventually brushed any issue under the carpet. This is why I've come here. I need honest insight.

    We are not in a relationship, she has also recently just come out of a 3 year relationship, we are just hanging out. We've both agreed it's not healthy to take it any further at the moment.

    I just don't know why i continued to stay with her. I was just so afraid of losing her and being where i am now. A part of it was lust. I honestly wish i'd never of met her.

  10. #9
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    She manipulated you so greatly that you are still under her spell.

    Do you have trouble asserting yourself? It sounds like she had the control in the relationship. You are allowing her to continue to control you even though you have severed ties. What is it about her that you miss?

  11. #10
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    How old are you guys? I think that yes, there were a lot of red flags about your ex for sure. I must say though that she was very upfront straight away what her ultimate goal was, which was marriage and children. That's what she was looking for and you knew that.

    You say that you spent all your time together so really after about the 1.5-2 year mark of a serious relationship, people start discussing/planning marriage and kids. I don't know your age but women don't have as long as men to make up their mind for biological reasons. If after 3.5 years you were dragging your feet about settling down, I think it actually was understandable that she wasn't sure about continuing the relationship. I understand joining the military was your dream, but to her it may have seemed like you abandoned her.

    Ultimately you can see that your goals were actually quite different. Her number one goal and purpose of the relationship was marriage and kids. And yours was to join the military and pursue that for a number of years probably? For a relationship to work, you need to have the same values and goals. Yours weren't the same.

    I also think that your ex was attention seeking, controlling and manipulative. I think she was trying to manipulate you into proposing to her by saying other guys were after her and already wearing an "engagement" ring! And in a sense she was cheating on you because she kept going out and flirting with other guys. I'm a woman and I know you don't accept drinks from guys unless you have any interest in taking it further with them. By further I don't mean have sex but getting a drink does mean flirtation and romantic interest. If you're in a relationship you should never accept drinks from guys in bars! If she honestly only accepted them because "they were free", that is pathetic and low! She was just using those guys to get free drinks and make you jealous.

    Things like checking your phone, cutting off all your female friends and wearing a fake engagement ring are huge red flags. They're a sign of someone emotionally unstable. And things like lying about pregnancy or not eating are even more screwed up.

    So yes I think you have dodged a bullet. Also you shouldn't have to give up your dreams and quit your dream job just to keep your partner. If your partner doesn't support your dream then they're probably not the right person.

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