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Thread: Miss my ex, despite who she was

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you're completely incompatible on all the important factors, marriage, living together, commitment kids, etc. It sounds like the status quo of just dating was ok with you but not with her. After a breakup, everyone's ex is suddenly a psycho and all your and their friends will supposedly now attest to that, etc. It's the sour grapes approach.

    But basically the bottom line is if she were such a psycho, you would have seen this and ended it sooner. It just fell apart from all the major differences. Pull back and try to sort things out and focus on your future. Stop communicating with her and her people. In fact delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and all your messaging apps so you can clear your head and decide what you want when going forward next time.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by loyal
    She manipulated you so greatly that you are still under her spell.

    Do you have trouble asserting yourself? It sounds like she had the control in the relationship. You are allowing her to continue to control you even though you have severed ties. What is it about her that you miss?
    Not at all in other settings, but when it came to her, yes i did. She made me believe that i needed her in a way. I don't think i miss her as such, i just miss having that person who's always there, she's a symbol of that relationship though, which is why i think i miss her even though i'm glad to be out of it at the same time, if that makes any sense at all.

  3. #13
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    At the time i was 22 and she was barely 18. I'm now 26 and she's 21. To hear marriage and children from the get go was quite alarming, but she also had a caring and loving side as previously mentioned. I wasn't dragging my feet as such, i saved up everything and even sold my motorbikes to raise more funds (i'm motorcycle mad). How could we of raised a child when we didn't even live together, and weren't close to living together. I honestly couldn't have tried any harder to make it happen. I accept that i joined the military, but before i applied i ensured i had her full support, and she did nothing but motivate me further to do it. Looking back it's clear she didn't want me to join, and made it very hard for me during my time there. She's very attention seeking it's clear to see, and has deep routed insecurity issues. She would always talk about her 2 ex boyfriends and how they abused her (they didn't, i know one of them quite well, and she went out of her way to ruin his life, he ended up in therapy). I was warned by more than one person before we made it 'official', but she does have a charm that you really struggle to see past.

    It's easy to say everyone labels an ex as a psycho during a breakup, but i think in my case she actually is. I'm now doing what i want to do and the sense of pride i have in following my heart is honestly terrific, it's just she's still there in my head for whatever reason. Things remind me of her. I feel like i failed her even though i didn't, but that's how she wants me to feel, like i'm not good enough almost. She's blocked in every possible way and has been since a few days after the breakup, I've not seen or heard from her, so don't worry about me going no contact! I was so unhappy towards the end, knowing i'd failed myself and given up on a dream. This probably rubbed off on her, and she got cold feet. I guess only time will slowly erase the pain. Thanks guys, you're all great.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok in that context you did the right thing, because this makes sense. She sounds rather clingy and immature and perhaps somewhat of a dreamer rather than doer/logical thinker.

    Enjoy your military endeavors and make the best of that in terms of money, benefits, training education and so on. Treat yourself to some nice new vehicles when you get get out or with whatever extra pay you get. Stay in military shape, use the training, manners etc and you'll meet plenty of better women in the future.
    Originally Posted by zxrr
    I'm now 26 and she's 21. How could we of raised a child when we didn't even live together, and weren't close to living together. I accept that i joined the military.

    She's blocked in every possible way and has been since a few days after the breakup

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by zxrr
    She was one of the most caring people i'd ever met,
    You need to give this comment some serious thought.
    The most caring people don't lie, control and manipulate their partners.

  7. #16
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    I could be way off or right on, but this is how I see it... You have your views on an ideal relationship. You know what you like and dont like and want and dont want in a relationship. You have not only short term goals but long term as well and with this girl you could of had it. To date she has been the person who could of given you your idea of a perfect relationship. So you have merged her with that view/idea of a perfect relationship. Now that she has gone, there is some part of you that is thinking that perfect ideal relationship is also gone.
    So when you say you miss her, its not her that you miss, its the idea that you miss. I can tell you that the physical part can be found in another person. You will find someone to hold, kiss, touch, hug, but you have to find someone that aligns with your views on a relationship.
    Once you separate the two (your X vs your ideals) you will see that the relationship was not as strong as you believe. Dont worry. You will eventually find someone who will make you smile and dare to say you will fall in love.

  8. #17
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    She was caring and loving?

    OP, come on. Does your definition of the above words include: manipulation, lying to get your attention, monitoring your phone and social media and messaging your female friends to warn them to stay away from you, exaggerating how many men wanted her to provoke jealousy in you, and so on?

    She is still in many ways a child. A hot mess of a child. Sure, she's legally an adult but she has the emotional maturity of a pre-teen. This woman is not marriage material and won't be for a very long time.

    I think your ego is hurt because she dumped you, but you are still wearing rose-coloured glasses about this girl. She is not a catch. You two want very different things and she isn't grown up enough yet to actually be ready for the life she claims she wants right now.

  9. #18
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    Thanks to everyone who replied and helped me, i'm doing a lot better. Some of your words have really resonated with me, i honestly don't know how it lasted as long as it did. Needless to say i won't be allowing it to happen again. Most importantly the experience has taught me to follow your dreams, because ultimately I've never felt happier in terms of my career, onward and upwards as they say.

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