Long distance break up

Hi all,

It's been a while since I've posted here, but I am in need for some more advice.

I've been with a girl for over a year now and it's a long distance relationship. We see each other for a few days every 1-2 months and we talk and play games together most evenings. However, I've been feeling for a few months now that something is missing in the relationship and the spark is fast fading. There's a plan for her to come over her permanently in about 2 and a half years after her studies, and if she can of course get a job here too. We always said we would stay together as long as the LDR works, and that it's not forever. However I feel like it isn't working and have hit the point where I want to break up.

She's great, and we get on very well together. I do care for her, but I'm not sure if I'm "in love" with her anymore. I don't tend to get too excited about visits or talking to her. And to be honest, the days where we don't talk, I have this sense of relief that she's busy with something. I sound horrible and I feel horrible as she doesn't deserve it, but I feel like long distance just isn't working. I have spoken to her that she needs to start looking into outside hobbies and whatnot, because I am her everything according to her. I have quite a busy lifestyle with work, daughter, friends and other hobbies. However I get the feeling of pressure from her that I can't seem to get through to her how overwhelming it can be. She said she'd work on it.

When we're together, things are usually great, however I have pulled away affection wise. I think it might be my issue as opposed to not being attracted to her. But I just don't feel comfortable anymore. The sexting has stopped a while ago as the honeymoon phase ended but honestly I'm okay with it. I just don't think I can spend my life with this woman.

I feel so guilty because of it, and I wish it could work as she deserves so much. We have a trip away together planned in a few weeks that's all paid for and whatnot. I'm thinking I'll go on the trip and re-evaluate, but honestly can't see it going any further from there. The telling sign was, I was at a friend thing the other night and they all said they missed her, but I realise I didn't and was actually relieved that she wasn't there.

I know I need to talk to her, but I don't know what to do, how to go about it and what to say. It's crazy that I feel trapped with someone who lives in another country.

Is there any way you can salvage any of your vacation money? Did you pay for it all or did you split it?

The LDR didn't work out. You need to be very honest with her and tell her. Don't go on a trip with someone you're thinking about breaking up with. The trip isn't going to make you rekindle what you felt before.

Cancel the trip and offer to pay anything she put in. Suck it up.

Is there any way you can salvage any of your vacation money? Did you pay for it all or did you split it?

 

The LDR didn't work out. You need to be very honest with her and tell her. Don't go on a trip with someone you're thinking about breaking up with. The trip isn't going to make you rekindle what you felt before.

 

Cancel the trip and offer to pay anything she put in. Suck it up.

Thanks for the response. The trip minus expenses has been paid in full including her flights over. I'd still like to go on the trip, and probably would still go even if we split before then. But obviously I don't want to rush into a decision.

I have no idea however, how to approach the subject and how to do it. I have always been a firm believer of suck it up and break up face to face but that won't be an option I think here.

Sorry to hear that. Don't feel too bad, most long distance relationships don't work out.

Is it fair to her for you to go on this trip and then break up with her?

The things that you mentioned, like not being in love with her, not missing her when she's gone, not being attracted to her, etc. are NOT going to change just because you go away with her.

Why would it not be an option for you to break up face to face??

The reason why I believe that it's not an option for face to face breakups, is because the only way we can see each other is by flight. So there's no option of flying over, breaking up, and then flying back the same day.

I agree, it's not fair on her to keep it going past the trip, but I just don't know how to initiate the dialog. It's going to hurt her regardless but I don't want to do the whole thing where I shut down and agree to try and work on things again to just take the easy route.

So you plan to fake being her boyfriend on the whole trip?

That's not what I'm saying at all and I didn't mean it that way

I know that I need to break it off. I just don't know how.

Tell her what yo told us. You need to cancel that trip. LDRs do not work.

As cold as this sounds, I'm going to do this in 2 stages. She has an exam coming up this week so I don't want to do anything just yet. However after that's done, I'll send her a text that probably won't blindside her too much, and ask if we can speak through voice chat at some point that evening as I have something serious I want to discuss about the relationship. Then when we speak, I'll say something from a script such as the below:

Okay here goes. I don’t think it’s working with us anymore. Long distance is hard, and I thought I could handle it, but as time goes by I don’t think I can anymore. I think it’s best if we break up to be honest. Trust me, I wouldn’t be saying this if I felt there were any other options and I’ve wrestled with this decision for a while. I can’t control how I feel and I wish I did feel differently but I would be lying to myself and worse, lying to you if we continued how we are. I know this hurts and feel free to hate me, but just know that I’ll always care for you. Our friends are still our friends, don’t ever feel that they are not. If I thought we could work at this, then I would, and believe me I have tried to. You’re a great person with a heart of gold, but I can’t do it anymore. I’m not going to blow smoke and do the clichés of “we can still be friends” or “its not me its you” as you deserve more than that. All I can say is, I am sorry, but it’s over.

I know that could sound harsh, and I want to be respectful. However at the end of the day, I'm breaking someone's heart so I'm never not going to be able to avoid it. Any thoughts?

Your post is really heartbreaking to read. Almost the same exact situation as my ex and I. We broke up just over a week ago under the same circumstances. The only difference being that we live in the same country and had plans to move in together the weekend he ended things.

I hope how you feel about your soon to be ex isn't how my ex felt/feel about me. But ignorance is bliss.

LDR's are like penny stocks. Extremely volatile and high risk, with a once-in-a-blue-moon reward. It's like when you have a fish on the line, you let the line go slack and it's over. 40 miles max, otherwise, you're going to spend 10 years playing hide-and-seek between her phone fell in the pool and all off a sudden she remembered that she needs to go on a conference trip. And and at the end, she'll tell you that she is happy being single, and you'll be left holding the proverbial bag. It's hard enough for people to find 10 seconds a day sending a good morning / good night text, let alone actually do anything substantial with you when LDR means you have to plan things out.