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Thread: Making sense of the nonsense

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by dias
    As a business owner, don't you have secretaries? So many CEOs divorce their wives to marry their secretaries. I mean, it's kind of a tradition. The best way for you to meet your other half (and no divorce is needed in your case, even better :) ).
    You made me laugh with my divorce requirement :) It reminds me of getting my first job: Do you have any experience? No, how can I have experience when I didn't have my first job? I just thought of a good joke - next time a date asks me if I were ever divorced, I'll say no, but you can be my first! Now that's something we don't hear every day

  2. #32
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'd maybe, just maybe, keep that joke to yourself.

    You're a 38 year old dude. Assuming you're meeting up with women close to your age, they're going to wonder who you are, where you've been. Just remember: if you think you've encountered some weird things out there is the world of dating, know that most every woman you've met has encountered much more, much weirder, and some of it flat-out scary where to you it is more flat-out disappointing.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'd maybe, just maybe, keep that joke to yourself.

    You're a 38 year old dude. Assuming you're meeting up with women close to your age, they're going to wonder who you are, where you've been. Just remember: if you think you've encountered some weird things out there is the world of dating, know that most every woman you've met has encountered much more, much weirder, and some of it flat-out scary where to you it is more flat-out disappointing.
    Indeed! True.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by asalways
    You made me laugh with my divorce requirement :) It reminds me of getting my first job: Do you have any experience? No, how can I have experience when I didn't have my first job? I just thought of a good joke - next time a date asks me if I were ever divorced, I'll say no, but you can be my first! Now that's something we don't hear every day
    Funny. I'd actually die laughing and love that kind of a witty response. It's one of those subtle compatibility things. Will she laugh and banter with you or will she freak out and take you seriously?

    As a woman, I'd say way too many men are trying way too hard not to say or do the wrong thing early on and it comes across as disingenuous and that can be a concern and a red flag. If all else seems OK, I might give him another date or two, but if he doesn't loosen up a bit, I'm out. I want to know who he is, not who he is pretending to be. So if that's your normal sense of humor, let it shine. Will that scare off certain women? Of course, but isn't that the point of dating? To weed out incompatible people?

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Funny. I'd actually die laughing and love that kind of a witty response. It's one of those subtle compatibility things. Will she laugh and banter with you or will she freak out and take you seriously?

    As a woman, I'd say way too many men are trying way too hard not to say or do the wrong thing early on and it comes across as disingenuous and that can be a concern and a red flag. If all else seems OK, I might give him another date or two, but if he doesn't loosen up a bit, I'm out. I want to know who he is, not who he is pretending to be. So if that's your normal sense of humor, let it shine. Will that scare off certain women? Of course, but isn't that the point of dating? To weed out incompatible people?
    Yes, great point about sense of humor! And I agree about the divorce joke -love it! I once royally messed up -was set up with a guy on a blind date and ironically before the date someone I worked with actually knew him and had a copy of his resume (this was pre-internet) - so over dinner I said something offhand that referenced his prior business which was a very interesting industry. I "confessed" as to how I knew and he couldn't end the date fast enough. The friend who set us up was not too happy with me - but I do know some people would have found it amusing/interesting how I found out.

  7. #36
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    DF and Batya33, thank you for your perspectives! DF, you bring out a great point. With people, I think it's totally normal to have 2 sides: 1 professional, 1 personal. Sure, in the corporate environment, I speak eloquently with proper grammatical structure, but I also have my personal side, where I like to joke around, be sarcastic in a humorous way, and just relax. On a date once I was confronted for using the word "gotta" as in I gotta order this steak here. This was at a diner; she made me feel like I didn't know the difference between a dive and a double-eagle steakhouse. I said fine I'll be more proper going forward, and proceeded to say "Good sir, will you please enlighten me with today's culinary steak selection"; she took that as I was making fun of the situation, and completely missed my sarcasm. But that's another example of me conforming to someone else's ideas of what's appropriate, and not allowing myself to relax as I was trying to at least inject some humor into a bad situation. A person should know that there is a time and place for everything, and having a sense of humor is important; some people just don't have it.
    Batya33, I hear you there, what a situation. That's a serious offense there, wow, what a deal-breaker lol. But yes, this is exactly the thing I'm talking about. If a date becomes another "get on the same page meeting", I might as well put on my tie, take out my Ipad, and start taking notes for the subsequent office debriefing :)

  8. #37
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    Regarding divorce, I don't think anyone thinks it's some kind of "achievement", but rather demonstrates a man has the capacity to pursue and maintain a long-term relationship. If you meet a 38-year-old dude who has never seen a relationship last beyond 6 months, you wonder WHY. WHY can he not maintain a relationship? Are there issues and red flags of concern? There doesn't have to be a wedding, but has he ever had a long-term relationship, lived with someone, anything? I'm certainly willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. I don't have years upon years of commitment to one person either, and my marriage failed. Men might find this alarming. Men find it alarming I haven't really dated all that much over the past decade while I was raising my children. It is what it is. Everyone has their "thing."

    Divorce isn't an achievement. While on one hand, you know the guy (girl) can be committed long-term, you also wonder WHY did they get divorced? What happened that caused it? Was it because of him? What did he do? Was it all her? What did she do? Is he damaged and broken from it? Did his behaviors cause her behaviors? Everyone has their own story and he-said, she-said...you don't know what happened, but you might find, after dating a few months, the reality of why she left him and wonder how they lasted as long as they did...you just don't know. Being divorced isn't necessarily a litmus test of long-term compatibility, but reaching into your fourth decade without anything long term can be alarming.

    I don't have much more to offer, but if multiple women tell you you're too intense, then you need to investigate and change this. You are the common denominator. In three months, being showered with expensive dates and gifts would be a little scary. Intense. Too much. As if you expect a return, and what kind of return? Is the woman going to have to buy gifts for you? Does she feel obligated and overwhelmed by this? Does she feel pressured to spend time with you, put out, or reciprocate because you are doing so much for her? Are you a bit demanding in requiring some sort of reciprocation because you buy gifts and lavish them with expensive dates? Take a step back.

    I don't think it's wrong in any way to discuss general long-term goals, when you first start chatting on the dating app, or on the first or second date. If someone doesn't want marriage or children, there is little reason to pursue further, but if this is a common goal, you shouldn't be establishing a map and itinerary either. You just need to have a common goal, and that's where you start. The rest is just getting to know each other and building upon it.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    Regarding divorce, I don't think anyone thinks it's some kind of "achievement", but rather demonstrates a man has the capacity to pursue and maintain a long-term relationship. If you meet a 38-year-old dude who has never seen a relationship last beyond 6 months, you wonder WHY. WHY can he not maintain a relationship? Are there issues and red flags of concern? There doesn't have to be a wedding, but has he ever had a long-term relationship, lived with someone, anything? I'm certainly willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. I don't have years upon years of commitment to one person either, and my marriage failed. Men might find this alarming. Men find it alarming I haven't really dated all that much over the past decade while I was raising my children. It is what it is. Everyone has their "thing."

    Divorce isn't an achievement. While on one hand, you know the guy (girl) can be committed long-term, you also wonder WHY did they get divorced? What happened that caused it? Was it because of him? What did he do? Was it all her? What did she do? Is he damaged and broken from it? Did his behaviors cause her behaviors? Everyone has their own story and he-said, she-said...you don't know what happened, but you might find, after dating a few months, the reality of why she left him and wonder how they lasted as long as they did...you just don't know. Being divorced isn't necessarily a litmus test of long-term compatibility, but reaching into your fourth decade without anything long term can be alarming.

    I don't have much more to offer, but if multiple women tell you you're too intense, then you need to investigate and change this. You are the common denominator. In three months, being showered with expensive dates and gifts would be a little scary. Intense. Too much. As if you expect a return, and what kind of return? Is the woman going to have to buy gifts for you? Does she feel obligated and overwhelmed by this? Does she feel pressured to spend time with you, put out, or reciprocate because you are doing so much for her? Are you a bit demanding in requiring some sort of reciprocation because you buy gifts and lavish them with expensive dates? Take a step back.

    I don't think it's wrong in any way to discuss general long-term goals, when you first start chatting on the dating app, or on the first or second date. If someone doesn't want marriage or children, there is little reason to pursue further, but if this is a common goal, you shouldn't be establishing a map and itinerary either. You just need to have a common goal, and that's where you start. The rest is just getting to know each other and building upon it.
    Out of that so-called 3 month relationship, I received nothing more than 5 second closed-lip kisses in the cold of the night. And all I wanted to was to show this person that I cared for them. What did I want in return? Appreciation for what I was doing, in the form of trying to build a relationship and finding those 15 seconds to text a 'good morning' and 'good night' which also were hard to come by. It wasn't just me giving gifts and that's it, it was me giving emotional, moral and all kinds of spiritual support. It's not like I was buying her love, she gave me hints, it wasn't in my head. Oh well, life goes on. At least now I have a clear picture of what to do next, and a ton of lessons learned which now dictate to me what not do and how not to think and feel.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with you, DF, and was trying (and failing!) to be funny myself with the "maybe, just maybe..." bit. As in: drop whatever joke you want (about divorce, about steak) while also being aware that the person across from you has a completely different perspective and experience in life. Whether they laugh or cringe—well, it's not even that important. It's all pretty funny, especially when it comes to dating.

    I remember when I hit around 35, and on dates, or in date-like scenarios, I'd get asked if I had any children. I'd moved from a big city, where childless 35 year old bachelors were basically the norm, to a smaller one, where they weren't as normal. Since I was so far from thinking of myself as a father, or potential father, the question always kind of surprised me—that part of me, ugh, that was still sort of 25 in my brain.

    I responded with: "No kids I can see legally!" Got some laughs, some cringes, some raised eyebrows. Don't think the joke—which, really, is probably connected to the way I make light of my own father's less-than-wholesome relationship to me—was much of a deal-breaker or deal-sealer, though I think I put it on ice. Or maybe I just grew up a few millimeters.

    Batya makes the point a lot on this forum about how one of the keys to dating is a thick skin. It's so very true, and I think it helps a lot in relationships too. People don't always like you, even the ones who really like you, and that's just fine. Goes both ways. Give some wiggle room and you get it back. Were I to write a very long list of things I like about my girlfriend, the fact that she likes me would be pretty near the bottom. That's the special bonus, but not the cake, and that's basically been the case since the first date.

    I get the impression, asalways, that you're a touch, well, touchy in how women see you—that a slight record scratch can end the waltz. I might be wrong, but there's good stuff if you can get a little more relaxed in that space and just stay focused on what you like about another person, or not, so their reactions to you land less like verdicts and more like breezes, little shifts in the wind revealing to you who they are: some of it magical, some of it mundane, some of it for you, some of it not. Channel the curiosity there—rather than about what they're thinking about you—and it's all pretty fun, wherever it goes.

    I mean, this thread is kind of great example. You struck DF, and myself, out of the gates in one way and now, four pages later, you're letting your hair down a bit. If I wasn't a straight pixilated man with an IRL girlfriend but, say, a woman across from you at a Starbucks, I'd be having fun. Some of what you've written has raised my eyebrows, but you're fun to engage with: big head, big heart, good combo.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I agree with you, DF, and was trying (and failing!) to be funny myself with the "maybe, just maybe..." bit. As in: drop whatever joke you want (about divorce, about steak) while also being aware that the person across from you has a completely different perspective and experience in life. Whether they laugh or cringe—well, it's not even that important. It's all pretty funny, especially when it comes to dating.

    I remember when I hit around 35, and on dates, or in date-like scenarios, I'd get asked if I had any children. I'd moved from a big city, where childless 35 year old bachelors were basically the norm, to a smaller one, where they weren't as normal. Since I was so far from thinking of myself as a father, or potential father, the question always kind of surprised me—that part of me, ugh, that was still sort of 25 in my brain.

    I responded with: "No kids I can see legally!" Got some laughs, some cringes, some raised eyebrows. Don't think the joke—which, really, is probably connected to the way I make light of my own father's less-than-wholesome relationship to me—was much of a deal-breaker or deal-sealer, though I think I put it on ice. Or maybe I just grew up a few millimeters.

    Batya makes the point a lot on this forum about how one of the keys to dating is a thick skin. It's so very true, and I think it helps a lot in relationships too. People don't always like you, even the ones who really like you, and that's just fine. Goes both ways. Give some wiggle room and you get it back. Were I to write a very long list of things I like about my girlfriend, the fact that she likes me would be pretty near the bottom. That's the special bonus, but not the cake, and that's basically been the case since the first date.

    I get the impression, asalways, that you're a touch, well, touchy in how women see you—that a slight record scratch can end the waltz. I might be wrong, but there's good stuff if you can get a little more relaxed in that space and just stay focused on what you like about another person, or not, so their reactions to you land less like verdicts and more like breezes, little shifts in the wind revealing to you who they are: some of it magical, some of it mundane, some of it for you, some of it not. Channel the curiosity there—rather than about what they're thinking about you—and it's all pretty fun, wherever it goes.

    I mean, this thread is kind of great example. You struck DF, and myself, out of the gates in one way and now, four pages later, you're letting your hair down a bit. If I wasn't a straight pixilated man with an IRL girlfriend but, say, a woman across from you at a Starbucks, I'd be having fun. Some of what you've written has raised my eyebrows, but you're fun to engage with: big head, big heart, good combo.
    First thank you BC and everyone in the conversation. I did learn a lot, a lot of the perspectives I had, came from the negatives of my past, and without much positive energy, it’s very easy to get engulfed in negativity.
    I appreciate the candor, BlueCastle, I’m feeling energized and excited for the next chapter, and that is now. What a great community on here.

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