Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 52

Thread: Making sense of the nonsense

  1. #21
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    52
    Posts
    36,685
    Gender
    Female
    I would be sure the other people are ok with multi dating , I would never date someone dating several people . A lot of people are ok with that some, no.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,129
    My husband and I started dating (again, round two, several years in between) basically on my 39th bday and he was still 38. Never married, never really lived with anyone either. Didn't concern either of us. Everyone has different ideas about what they want in terms of "relationship experience" ranging from not caring at all to being picky/specific. I was a big fan of dating and meeting lots of people at once because my goal was marriage starting at age 21 (I married 21 years later -boy did I get in my own way!) - I didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket especially in my 30s when my clock was a'tickin. I did not have casual sex nor did I like dating people who regularly had casual sex. To me dating lots of people has nothing to do with sexual promiscuity. I did the former, not the latter.

    Dating was like a part time job for me and required a thick skin. Had I not wanted marriage and family it wouldn't have been worth it. My many years of dating and meeting people was totally worth it because I am happily married and we have an adorable handful of a child. I knew there were no guarantees whatsoever and I'd keep that in mind, too, if I were you.

    Good luck!

  3. #23
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    50
    Interesting, to me it seemed that in 2019 concurrent dating was the norm. I'll need to keep that in mind, it's only fair to let the other party know, if/when the time comes.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    9,784
    Gender
    Female
    Personally, I think the term multi-dating is redundant because dating by definition is no commitment, no strings attached, just getting to know the person and weighing whether you want to invest more into that person time period. So yes, you will be meeting, seeing, going out with multiple people. Many dates will be one and done, some will take two or three dates to decide. Eventually, you'll meet a person where you mutually want to invest more. You start seeing each other more, a deeper connection starts to develop which leads to exclusivity. The exclusivity is really quite natural. Your growing interest in each other makes interest in others fade out. Of course, always a good idea to talk about it and be sure you are on the same page. Typically, relationships have these stages where you get past the initial several dates and evaluate whether you want to keep going, then 3-4 months down the road, after you've seen more of the person, their character, their behavior, you evaluate again if they are worth investing in further, another check is about 8-9 months, then finally 1-1.5 years is where people start thinking long term future and whether it's there or not. So it's more of a marathon than a sprint.

    Another thing about relationships is that people don't move at the exact same pace even when they click. You may be a little ahead, you may be a little behind. Healthy couples are able to check in and also calibrate and either wait or speed up to match up more. It's not forced, though, it's intuitive, natural, easy. In the right relationship, there is a mutual sense of security so if there is some pace difference, it doesn't freak either partner out. Emphasis on the right relationship. If you feel anxious and insecure, better start working out why. It's usually a sign of compatibility issues or even bigger problems.

    The biggest thing is focusing on finding the right partner rather than trying to make someone fit into what you want. It's not about any old warm body. So spend a lot of time paying attention to who she is and whether that suits you, your life, your values, your goals, etc. Do not whitewash problems and incompatibilities.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    50
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    My husband and I started dating (again, round two, several years in between) basically on my 39th bday and he was still 38. Never married, never really lived with anyone either. Didn't concern either of us. Everyone has different ideas about what they want in terms of "relationship experience" ranging from not caring at all to being picky/specific. I was a big fan of dating and meeting lots of people at once because my goal was marriage starting at age 21 (I married 21 years later -boy did I get in my own way!) - I didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket especially in my 30s when my clock was a'tickin. I did not have casual sex nor did I like dating people who regularly had casual sex. To me dating lots of people has nothing to do with sexual promiscuity. I did the former, not the latter.

    Dating was like a part time job for me and required a thick skin. Had I not wanted marriage and family it wouldn't have been worth it. My many years of dating and meeting people was totally worth it because I am happily married and we have an adorable handful of a child. I knew there were no guarantees whatsoever and I'd keep that in mind, too, if I were you.

    Good luck!
    Great to hear a story about happiness coming so late.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,828
    Gender
    Male
    You like math, I like language. So I'll try my best to address the equation on your chalkboard with, well, the chalk I like to play with.

    The dating multiple people stuff. Personally, I think everyone would be a lot more chill if we got a little more realistic and precise when we talk about "dating." If I meet five women from a dating app for wine or coffee in a week I don't consider myself to be "dating" any of them. That, to me, is preposterous. They are people I do not know and I prefer to date people I know a little bit. So they are people I met up with, chatted with, maybe made out with, blah blah, in order to explore the potential of dating.

    Next step: actualizing that potential. Let's say two of those women intrigue me more than the other three, and, just my luck, they are equally intrigued! We meet up again, which I would consider the first "date." Maybe I have those two first dates with two women on the same week. Cool. Maybe I'm one of a few in their week. Cool. I'm still not dating either of them. I went on a date, with each of them. Getting closer, but no assumptions, no expectations.

    Personally? If I'm finding one person particularly intriguing, I tend to just focus on that person. Maybe (often) that happens after one dateóbut I'm talking about the rare date here, so this "often" moment is not a common one. Maybe four, maybe more, maybe never. But the focus is a choice I make, for me, not as a performance I display for them. If my level of intrigue isn't so high, I keep the aperture wide, which might mean more dates with both people. Dates to see if you can become two people dating, in short.

    Now, to be dating someone. I'd say that's what happens when you are repeatedly meeting up with one person, romantically, exploring where a connection can go. By this point, hopefully, there has been some communication. Are you each still dating others? Wanting to be open to that? Are you okay with that, or not? Are you interested in a nebulous sex thing? Or building toward commitment and partnership? If you see eye to eye on all thatógreat, proceed, you are dating. If you are dating more than one person by that point it should be out in the open, an agreement everyone is on board with, pending future discussions.

    Lots of words to say: I think you're still a little trigger happy. Meeting two women, on different days, at Starbucks doesn't make you a slimy multi-dater. It makes you what you are: a single dude looking for connection, ideally a connection that evolves into you no longer being a single dude. To get there you have to first meet up with people, then go on some dates, then see if you can date, then see if dating leads to a committed relationship, then see if the committed relationship leads to the big fireworks.

    So, yeah, meet up with more than one person on a weekend. Don't assume you are going to date everyone you go on a date with. Communicate along the way, gradually, organically, authentically, and the chips will fall into place.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,210
    Gender
    Male
    Excellent. Yes, don't try to impress, instead consider a date a time to decide, choose, etc. Of course put your best foot forward but don't try too hard. Make it about do you want them, not if they like you.
    Originally Posted by asalways
    I've got 2 dates this weekend, so I'll put my newfound knowledge to the test. The good news is that it's easier to go from intense to chill, then from chill to intense.

  9. #28
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    50
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Excellent. Yes, don't try to impress, instead consider a date a time to decide, choose, etc. Of course put your best foot forward but don't try too hard. Make it about do you want them, not if they like you.
    Great point. That has been my weakness, having to lead the whole thing. And it takes the weight from my shoulders too.

  10. #29
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    50
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    You like math, I like language. So I'll try my best to address the equation on your chalkboard with, well, the chalk I like to play with.

    The dating multiple people stuff. Personally, I think everyone would be a lot more chill if we got a little more realistic and precise when we talk about "dating." If I meet five women from a dating app for wine or coffee in a week I don't consider myself to be "dating" any of them. That, to me, is preposterous. They are people I do not know and I prefer to date people I know a little bit. So they are people I met up with, chatted with, maybe made out with, blah blah, in order to explore the potential of dating.

    Next step: actualizing that potential. Let's say two of those women intrigue me more than the other three, and, just my luck, they are equally intrigued! We meet up again, which I would consider the first "date." Maybe I have those two first dates with two women on the same week. Cool. Maybe I'm one of a few in their week. Cool. I'm still not dating either of them. I went on a date, with each of them. Getting closer, but no assumptions, no expectations.

    Personally? If I'm finding one person particularly intriguing, I tend to just focus on that person. Maybe (often) that happens after one dateóbut I'm talking about the rare date here, so this "often" moment is not a common one. Maybe four, maybe more, maybe never. But the focus is a choice I make, for me, not as a performance I display for them. If my level of intrigue isn't so high, I keep the aperture wide, which might mean more dates with both people. Dates to see if you can become two people dating, in short.

    Now, to be dating someone. I'd say that's what happens when you are repeatedly meeting up with one person, romantically, exploring where a connection can go. By this point, hopefully, there has been some communication. Are you each still dating others? Wanting to be open to that? Are you okay with that, or not? Are you interested in a nebulous sex thing? Or building toward commitment and partnership? If you see eye to eye on all thatógreat, proceed, you are dating. If you are dating more than one person by that point it should be out in the open, an agreement everyone is on board with, pending future discussions.

    Lots of words to say: I think you're still a little trigger happy. Meeting two women, on different days, at Starbucks doesn't make you a slimy multi-dater. It makes you what you are: a single dude looking for connection, ideally a connection that evolves into you no longer being a single dude. To get there you have to first meet up with people, then go on some dates, then see if you can date, then see if dating leads to a committed relationship, then see if the committed relationship leads to the big fireworks.

    So, yeah, meet up with more than one person on a weekend. Don't assume you are going to date everyone you go on a date with. Communicate along the way, gradually, organically, authentically, and the chips will fall into place.
    I see, for me, meeting up even for a coffee "meeting" was always a "date". But I like your definition of dating better, because meeting up for the first time in person over a coffee has a whole set of context and connotations which are vastly different from a legitimate "date". I never questioned the definition before..thanks!

  11. #30
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    1,328
    Gender
    Male
    As a business owner, don't you have secretaries? So many CEOs divorce their wives to marry their secretaries. I mean, it's kind of a tradition. The best way for you to meet your other half (and no divorce is needed in your case, even better :) ).

Page 3 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •