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Thread: Making sense of the nonsense

  1. #11
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    I've got 2 dates this weekend, so I'll put my newfound knowledge to the test. The good news is that it's easier to go from intense to chill, then from chill to intense. So I'm on the right side of the equilibrium on that aspect.
    As a funny way to round things off, I'm like the guy in the Geico commercials, except I just didn't just save $500 on my car insurance through Geico, I'll be saving way more than that now on my dates now, so it will be a win-win.
    Thanks for the responses, fellow members.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by loyal
    The important thing is not to compromise who you are for someone else. Be the person you are and enjoy yourself!
    Absolutely. Life's too short and difficult to make it even harder. And the new way will make it easier. Thanks!

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by asalways
    I've got 2 dates this weekend, so I'll put my newfound knowledge to the test. The good news is that it's easier to go from intense to chill, then from chill to intense. So I'm on the right side of the equilibrium on that aspect.
    As a funny way to round things off, I'm like the guy in the Geico commercials, except I just didn't just save $500 on my car insurance through Geico, I'll be saving way more than that now on my dates now, so it will be a win-win.
    Thanks for the responses, fellow members.
    😂 The Geico guy!
    You have a good attitude! Have fun on your dates!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by asalways
    Thanks, very thorough response. And I appreciate your honesty.
    Happy to help.

    I think it's always best to remember a few basic things about dating and connecting, starting with the fact that most people you meet will not lead to much. Get cozy with that reality, get intimate with it, and you're on the path to coziness and intimacy. One date, three dates, an entanglement that lasts a month or two, a glass of wine where the conversation gets strained within ten minutes, periods where hopes are raised, others where hopes are dashed—that is the baseline.

    Not bad, not great, but baseline.

    Women you meet, women you swipe on, women who seem great on Monday but less great come Friday—those women do not exist to be your person. That is not their goal or purpose in life. They are just people, and being themselves is their only job, just as being yourself is your only job. Take a moment, in your mind, to appreciate that—to thank the billions of women on the planet for being themselves, and to acknowledge how lucky you are to have met the ones you have and to get to meet the ones you have yet to meet, including the ones who have disappointed you and who may still disappoint you.

    There you are: baseline. It's a nice place, see? The shoulders relax, the mind opens. What happens is...what happens.

    Another piece of basic advice: ask at least twice as many questions as you give answers. You seem geared toward learning, toward optimization, so write a little code in your mind's operating system that reminds you of this: to ask questions, not give answers. Listen, then ask something else—something big, something small.

    Giving answers is like giving gifts, spending money: it drowns out another person. And us people? We are all just dying to be seen and heard. Caviar is nice and all, but it doesn't compete with that. Drugs can be fun too, but nothing is more intoxicating—in the sanest, stabilizing of ways—than being seen and heard and meeting someone who wants to see you, hear you.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The other thought on this is not only slow way down, but remove the laser focus from your end goal, marriage, and onto the more important part - does this woman in front of you actually deserve the time of day from you? Do you like her? Are you physically/sexually attracted to her? Does she raise any major red flags? Do you have enough in common to see each other again? Does she have deal breakers? ......Maybe you need to stop and consider first what are your deal breakers...... Remember that you are looking for a wife, not a wife appliance.

    If you are in IT, then you understand that there are critical steps in between point A and B and that if they aren't working and fitting in properly, the whole thing will crash and burn. If there is a loose wire between servers, the connection is gone. If you miss a comma or a space in the right place when coding, you get an error message. What you are experiencing in dating is kind of similar. You have to pay attention to those steps/parts in between the points for the whole to work and those in between steps are much more important than the end goal.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool

    If you are in IT, then you understand that there are critical steps in between point A and B and that if they aren't working and fitting in properly, the whole thing will crash and burn. If there is a loose wire between servers, the connection is gone. If you miss a comma or a space in the right place when coding, you get an error message. What you are experiencing in dating is kind of similar. You have to pay attention to those steps/parts in between the points for the whole to work and those in between steps are much more important than the end goal.
    Oooo someone has been studying. Is there any debugger in dating?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dias
    Oooo someone has been studying. Is there any debugger in dating?
    HA! The debugger is you.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by loyal
    😂 The Geico guy!
    You have a good attitude! Have fun on your dates!
    Hey thanks, will do. Appreciated :)

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Great post, DF.

    The thing about the end goals—marriage, kids, partnership, whatever it is—is that they aren't actually endings, but just beginnings, or continuations. Or, per my last post, another compelling set of questions, not answers. So, sure, they are important to have, but just as important to be able to let them linger, a little blurry, on the horizon. They come into focus, or not, together, over time. So how you spend that time (the present) is equally as important as where it leads (the future).

    With the right attitude—and, of course, with the right person—the transition between the two is pretty seamless, a flow.

  11. #20
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    bluecastle and DancingFool, very eloquently said. Indeed, IT and math are my specialties; and psychology was a minor, although they didn't cover dating and romance too much in that course of study. I totally love that baseline comment, that's 100% right there. I think that's the root of my old beliefs, expectations were unreal, and any showing of interest I got in my previous relationships, I internally magnified to unreal proportions. Now that my baseline is more aligned with reality, things will be easier, feelings will be more realistic.
    Regarding the IT example, I do have to admit, there were a ton of red flags which I ignored and forgave and gave the benefit of the doubt to the exes. I should have indeed trusted my gut and cut these interactions off myself once the red flags started to pop up. Definitely lessons learned there. Sounds like we're doing a Sprint retrospective during a Scrum call, for all you IT corporate folks out there :)
    Since we are talking about connectivity between servers A and B, I can't resist, I have to mention the topic of redundancy and failover. I used to think it was wrong to be dating 3 people at once, but I think that was a fallacy too. It is indeed the right thing to be dating multiple people at once, because anything else means I'm overly-investing emotionally, because again, I'd be making something out of nothing too early. I was already leaning towards this, hence my 2 dates this weekend. I'll be meeting them at Starbucks, and will be following this whole new approach of just chilling and relaxing and getting to know them. I'll take my corporate toughguy hat off and remember how I was in my 20's when I was going out a lot with my friends. Then life took over, then the long hours and responsibilities came up, and that's when the intense side came out and took me whole. Is the dating multiple people at once appropriate you think? Logic tells me yes, and subconsciously, dating multiple people at once will effectively stop me from being over-invested because I'm a single-threaded machine, like everyone else, and my mind and emotions won't be able to go further when multiple people are involved.

    You know the one thing I can't find online is, videos of actual dates which I can learn from. Machine learning is exactly that, and I see no reason not to learn from people who already know how to do it.
    Anyone have any URLs to share of such media?

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