How do I break up with a lovely guy without feeling so guilty? :(

[intothewoods]

I have been seeing this guy for a few months. He treats me like a princess, he's everything a person could want from a guy. However, I just don't feel a passion or a spark, I don't feel excitement, and that's so important to me. I feel so awful that I want to break up as I know how much he loves me. He's told me i'm one of the few people he has in his life, and it put so much pressure on me it has scared me away.

I have tried to break up with him before but he just buys me gifts and says lovely things when he senses something is wrong. I feel like I'm going to break his heart but this relationship is way too much for me. Does anybody have any advice on how to let him down gently, and also, am I a terrible person for this?

Thank you

[indea08]

Just put yourself in his shoes. If the roles were reversed, how would you like the situation to be handled? Being honest with him is the nicest thing to do.

[melancholy123]

There is no way to gently break up with someone. You need to find the words to say sorry this is just not working for me. It's hard, of course. Too bad you dont find that spark with him but better to tell him asap rather than lead him on.

[Wiseman2]

Be honest with the guy and be crystal clear yet diplomatic that it's not working out. Stop accepting gifts or leading him on. He'll get over it, you're not the last woman on earth, he's just been led on to believe the feelings are mutual..If he is stalking, clinging or becoming as problematic as you state, get a restraining order.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months.
I just don't feel a passion or a spark, I don't feel excitement

I have tried to break up with him before but he just buys me gifts and says lovely things when he senses something is wrong.

[jimthzz]

Stop accepting gifts. In fact, give back the ones he already gave you. Yes, the jewelry. And then break up with him.

[loyal]

You simply tell him that it just isn't right. Give him the respect he deserves and don't lead him on. It is better to do it now than to wait until it is even harder.

And don't text. Tell him in person.

[bluecastle]

What the others are saying.

The ultimate show of respect and kindness is honesty, while trying to be "gentle," even with the best of intentions, can quickly veer toward dishonesty and disrespect. And thinking someone will be "destroyed forever" by us leaving them is, in the end, pretty selfish and always false.

He is a grownup with a precious heart. Treat him as one. He will be hurt, he will survive, and, just like you, he ultimately deserves to be with someone more fitting than the person he is with right now.

So simply tell him how you feel and that it's over. Then you both grieve, separately, however you each need to.

[DancingFool]

First, he isn't a nice guy. He is a rather creepy guy who is manipulating with you with gifts and emotional guilt tripping into being with him. Huge, massive, red flag.

Second, don't flatter yourself with this idea that you are jut so amazing that he will just die without you. He was fine before he met you and he'll be just fine going forward. Don't worry, he'll find someone else soon enough.

Third, don't let him down gently. This is a case where you need to be brutally blunt. Dump him and be direct about it. No promises, no hope, no let's just be friends. All that stuff is cruel. Dump him, tell him it's not working for you, it's over. Then block and delete. Don't be surprised if he goes nuts and creates new accounts to reach you and do.not.be.flattered.by.that. That's not a sign of caring, that's a sign of psycho. Get away, stay away.

[Gary Snyder]

First, he isn't a nice guy. He is a rather creepy guy who is manipulating with you with gifts and emotional guilt tripping into being with him. Huge, massive, red flag.

- Bingo. The guy is not listening to his gut and what you are saying - he's only listening to his high interest level. He's a bit of a stalker. Cut contact as quickly as possible.

If he really was a sharp guy, he would have sensed you were not into him after a date or two, and he would have said, "Let's just be friends".

That said, you should have also recognized it sooner. You have been leading him on.

You have to learn to communicate with people. Sometimes you just have to blurt things out:

- What is your number?

- Let's go on a date!

- Do you want to go into the bedroom?

- Let's just be friends

There is some rejection involved in dating, it goes with the territory.

[Batya33]

I would say to him over the phone "I've really enjoyed getting to know you and it would be unfair of me to keep seeing you because I just don't see potential for a romantic relationship." That's all -no huge back story or how it's you, etc because that will just give him wiggle room and hope -he will interpret any more words as hope.

I did this after two dates with someone who was like the guy you describe -way way too full on - I said this to him basically - almost those words and that short. I also added "I don't want to see you again because you travel far to see me and it wouldn't be right of me." He thanked me profusely. This was at 9pm on a Sunday night about 3 hours after our date ended. Starting at about 9am the next morning he started emailing me about every half hour increasingly angry about how I had led him on (by talking to him on the phone a lot in between dates, by inviting him to my apartment -which I did because he had to put the ice cream cake he broght me in the fridge then wanted to have some after the date -I'm supposed to say no to that when he bought it?), and etc. I did not engage him in responses and at some point I replied 'please do not contact me anymore". The next email contained a profuse apology and he wanted to be friends. I did not respond. A few hours after that an ex who I'd been in touch with the last couple of weeks since we wanted to meet just to catch up after a long time called and said he all of a sudden was free that night - could I do dinner? I was relieved -dinner with someone where I wouldn't have to be on a date/talk about my dating life. We've now been married 10 years.

So moral of the story is - yes, after this amount of time no ghosting allowed unless he is acting in a scary way now, keep it short and sweet and be prepared to be bombarded with calls/texts/messages - that's what blocking is for. Good luck.