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Thread: I want out, but I really need help. I'm desperate.

  1. #11
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    I don’t believe that you love him.

    You don’t even really like him , except for his false persona he puts on once in a while.

    He is a bully and he is aware of it. But doing nothing about it.

    Make a plan to leave , the day you do leave, block him on every platform and call his grandmother to say you have split and suggest she call him but not to say you asked her to.

    You are not responsible for anything that happens after that.

    One day you will need to come out to your parents. Have you thought about when and how?
    You might be surprised to realise they already know?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Contact one of the domestic violence hotlines on the Internet for help in working out a plan, and ask for a referral to an agency that's local to you for counseling and help in carrying out the plan.

    You don't need to meet in person to break up with someone when they are a threat to you or themselves. You can phone him, tell him this isn't working for you and you're out, and tell him that any kind of threat will prompt you to hang up and call the police. And mean it.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're not compatible. Never let anyone pressure you, no matter what kind of crusade they are on. Do things in your own way in your own time. In the meantime, join some LGBT friendly sites and support groups, you do not have to tell/explain that to anyone you don't feel comfortable sharing that with.
    Originally Posted by es1012
    I felt like I saw a few red flags, such as his heavy mood swings and the tremendous pressure he put on me to come out as gay to my friends and family (although he was well aware that I'm from a strict Catholic background).

  4. #14

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    Thank you all for your replies. It felt so good to just finally tell someone about this, and see that I'm not actually just whining over normal relationship issues, but that others also think this is abnormal. I really appreciate the support and good advice you all have given me, and it feels easier to go through with this now that I've shared it with people and received some pointers on how to handle the situation.

    So to answer a few of the posts:

    Yes, I see that he definitely fits the description of an emotional abuser. I'm gonna copy this list and show it to him later, when I'm breaking up, and hope he'll have at least some self insight and see that what he's doing is wrong. I don't expect him to change, and I'm not giving him a new chance to do so, but hopefully he will treat his next partner better.

    And yes, I understood that you meant contact the grandmother in case he threatens to hurt himself, not to have her help me breaking up (lol). He has formerly threatened with suicide - we had a long fight where I tried to explain to him why it was hard for me to come out to my family and my friends, who in large part are quite conservative, and he decided to end the fight with "well I hope you'll attend my funeral then."

    As for my parents, no, I don't think they would cut me off. But they would certainly react with hostility, treat me differently, and it will be awkward for a very long time. The same goes for my friends. Now, I know what you're all thinking, I should get new friends. But it's not that easy after high school, to just replace your entire circle of friends, and I'm not even sure I want to do that. Yes, they're conservative and close minded, as they're religious, but except from that they actually are terrific friends. They're always there for me if I'm in any kind of trouble or just feeling down, we have so many good memories together, always out doing something fun, and they're just very nice people. I don't really want to replace them, or mess up some really great friendships, just because I feel like I "must" tell them that I'm also attracted to guys. I just don't feel like it's worth it. Unlike my parents, I don't think they'd even react with hostility, as that's not in their nature. But you betcha they'll make jokes about me, telling me how twisted it is, and I am definitely not gonna be anyone's first choice to share a room with when we go on a trip. I know it sounds messed up, as for most LGBT persons it's extremely important to be able to "be themselves" and express themselves freely, but it just isn't important to me. I feel like who I'm dating is my business and no one else's, and I'm not feeling like I'm living any less of a full life just because I'm not telling people.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Glad you're finding this site helpful, and really sorry about the spot you've found yourself in. Big hugs, deep breaths.

    I don't think showing him this list is a good idea. That list is for you—the thing that is desperate for your attention, care, and love right now, and that has been snuffed out inside a deeply unhealthy relationship.

    The thing to show him, the only thing, is that you have decided this relationship is not working and is over. Anyone, in any relationship, is allowed to do that at any moment. Showing him something from a website—a psychological site, cut and pasted into a relationship website—is really just drama and will be more fuel for him and more pain and confusion for you.

    This moment is about cutting off the oxygen to the fire so you can breathe, not adding more too it so you keep choking, you know?

    My heart broke a few times reading your original post, but it also swelled. You sound so smart, so caring, so aware, so strong, and so very awesome that I can't help but suspect that you'll look back on this whole thing, sooner than you think, as a strange storm you got stuck in on the road to a sunnier vista. That the big word you're using now to explain some of it—love—will in time come to take on a completely different meaning from what you feel right now.

    How you handle your sexuality, and how you live your life, are things for you, and you only. Anyone who can't respect that does not deserve your time or energy.

    Do I, random internet person, believe that you could find greater peace in being the same person to everyone in your life? That you will be at less risk of being emotionally manipulated if you're not dividing yourself into different compartments to please different audiences? Do I think this relationship would have lasted only a few weeks if you weren't worried about being outed, and that it's worth taking a moment, down the line, to look at this experience as a consequence of trying to be different things to different people? Did my heart swell a bit when you talked about how, were he to drastically out you to your family, it might be for the best. Yeah, I do. Yeah, it did.

    But past those thoughts I simply believe that people deserve to be respected, for who they are at any given moment, for where they are on their journey. And the thing about the guy you're with? He has next to zero capacity to respect other people. That is just a fact, like the fact that there is a tree outside my window as I write this. Understanding that tree, what kind it is or how it made it to this hill, does not change the fact of it or the shadow it casts over my home. Showing that tree a list of what I now know about it will not change its shape, if you know what I mean.

    Try to think about it like that, right now, as you take these hard steps. With some space you'll have time for reflection, to figure out how and why you got into this. That story will likely change a few times over before you can settle on one. That's okay. Part of the journey. Therapy can help with that, and along with others I'd recommend having a therapist on tap right now so you're not compelled to turn to him for answers or to answer the question of him at the expense of the answers you really need right now.

    Best of luck.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by es1012
    I'm gonna copy this list and show it to him later, when I'm breaking up, and hope he'll have at least some self insight and see that what he's doing is wrong.
    This is an idea that usually backfires. Focus on getting out - period. The other person does not recognize themselves in "lists" and potentially will get more violent with you OR will turn it around on you. A classic abuser move is to try to convince the abused person that THEY are actually the one abusing the abuser. Its not worth it, it will suck you back in, etc.

    As for my parents, no, I don't think they would cut me off. But they would certainly react with hostility, treat me differently, and it will be awkward for a very long time.

    How do you know this? If your parents love you (which they do), and have bee supportive of you in other subjects and areas, they may surprise you and say "i already figured you were..." or they MAY need some time to process it if you are truly surprised. you have to give them time to get over the initial surprise, but if they have proven to be supportive in other ways, they will still love you and want to be with you. It does not mean they have to want to hear your experiences at gay clubs to be supportive, etc. but it is possible you are building things up in your mind.

    As far as your friends joking is what friends do. it does not mean they do not accept you

    btw, treating you differently - well thats what is supposed to happen --- they will no longer tell you about their neighbors granddaughter who is looking for a boyfriend, etc.

  8. #17
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    One of my kids "came out" to me. Funny thing is (funny odd, not funny haha) I already knew. Holy cow, that is my CHILD! There isn't much about my kids that I don't already know or haven't figured out.

    Guess what? I still love my child! I love my child and I like my child's partner and after I get to know my child's partner better I will love that person too. No way would I act "hostile" toward this child I gave birth to, nurtured and watched grow up into a wonderful adult.

    I can't speak for your parents. Maybe they've expressed anti-LGBT opinions or made jokes or derogatory remarks. Only you know that. But if you're operating off an assumption I wish you'd give them a chance. You may be pleasantly surprised.

    Besides, my child tells me how freeing it is to not have to hide who they are.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    No matter who you slice this, it's only going to escalate. I get you are nervous about disclosing things to those close to you. I'll assume you'll want to do that eventually.

    So between getting out of a toxic relationship at some given time (because you can't go on like this indefinitely) and sharing something important to your family, both are inevitable and though the time is not of your choosing, it may be as good as time as any.

    As well as a good enough reason.

  10. #19

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Glad you're finding this site helpful, and really sorry about the spot you've found yourself in. Big hugs, deep breaths.

    I don't think showing him this list is a good idea. That list is for you—the thing that is desperate for your attention, care, and love right now, and that has been snuffed out inside a deeply unhealthy relationship.

    The thing to show him, the only thing, is that you have decided this relationship is not working and is over. Anyone, in any relationship, is allowed to do that at any moment. Showing him something from a website—a psychological site, cut and pasted into a relationship website—is really just drama and will be more fuel for him and more pain and confusion for you.

    This moment is about cutting off the oxygen to the fire so you can breathe, not adding more too it so you keep choking, you know?

    My heart broke a few times reading your original post, but it also swelled. You sound so smart, so caring, so aware, so strong, and so very awesome that I can't help but suspect that you'll look back on this whole thing, sooner than you think, as a strange storm you got stuck in on the road to a sunnier vista. That the big word you're using now to explain some of it—love—will in time come to take on a completely different meaning from what you feel right now.
    Thank you so much - that's one of the nicest things anyone has said to me in a long time, and you really made my day. As you and others here have pointed out, showing him this list is probably not a good idea. I see that now, in retrospect. He will probably not recognize himself in it, and it could backfire.

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