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Thread: Not sure what to do

  1. #1
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    Not sure what to do

    I'm going to try and keep this short and to the point.
    My fiance and I have been together for 3 years. He recently took a job out of town which we thought would be a great opportunity since we've struggling financially. He's been gone barely 2 months. He's living with some friends of an old coworker.
    The problem is we barely talk. Like we chit chat on messenger throughout the day. But when he calls we talk for like 5 minutes and that's about it. He always messages and says he's off work, he's gonna go home and charge his phone and call me in a few. Well that turns into like 2 or 3 hours. He always call pretty much right before he goes to bed. Or always has some other excuse.
    Last week we were on the phone and he said his roommates had company over and he didn't want to be rude...
    Like I kind of get it. It sucks when you have to walk outside to have a conversation. But I'm his fiance. When I was away helping my parents with a bunch of stuff last year. I had to walk outside to talk to him and I didn't care if it was raining or cold or to hot. I took the time to have a conversation with him.
    Am I overreacting or over thinking? I've been trying to have a conversation with him about how this all makes me feel. But it's like pulling teeth to even stay on the phone with him. He's always got something going on with them or he's to tired and is going to bed. Plus I'm trying to not to add to the stress that we are already going through. since this job isn't working out the way we thought it would and we're broker than we've ever been. And I'm having surgery this friday and he won't even be here and I don't think he even tried to find out if he could come home for that...
    Sorry for the long post. I've got a lot of pent up stress and emotions.

  2. #2
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    Why do you need to chit chat all day on messenger? What I would do is let him be during the day -not tethered to you on messenger or you to him - that way when you speak you'll actually have interesting stuff to share about your day. He's going through a huge transition right now. And it's stressful. Be there as his fiance by giving him space. By showing him that you support him by being available when he wants to talk but not obligating him to talk to you. Let him have time to blow off steam and relax at night. Does his job involve interacting with others? Then he comes home to people he doesn't know. Let him breathe. Just because you wanted to interact with him on the phone every day when you were away doesn't mean he feels the same.

  3. #3
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    I guess I should have said that we've been living together for 2 years. So we're both used to seeing each other every day. We used to be on the same page. I guess I feel left out and alone because I come home to absolutely no one to talk to. And maybe its just my insecurities. but. When your used to seeing your loved one every day and getting to talk to that person every day, you'd still want to talk to them even being apart. I can understand an adjustment period. Which I took into consideration of that. But when you've been with someone for 3 years and are engaged to me it seems a simple 5 minute conversation doesn't really go well with me. Especially when I'm trying to tell him about my day or my concerns with my upcoming surgery and trying to figure out how to take care of things while I'm down because I'll completely alone. Granted not my first rodeo as far as surgery goes but will be the first one that I'll have absolutely no help with.

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I agree with Batya. Why do you have to be communicating all day long?

    He's under a great deal of stress. Just being out of town and living with other people and having the job turn out to be not what he expected is extremely stressful, and I'm sure he's tired at the end of the day and just wants to unwind. He's doing this to make more money. So what if it's only a 5 minute conversation? Do you have enough interesting things to talk about to make it last longer, or do you just cause him additional brain damage by telling him how lonely and neglected you are?

    I think you're feeling sorry for yourself a bit. Cut him some slack. Is your surgery major or outpatient? Surely you have friends who can help you.

    By the way, do you work?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Why are you two broke? Do you split all your rent, bills, and expenses 50/50? Is he having to work out of town to pick up for any amount you may not be equally contributing? Not saying you should be chiding him either way, especially if he is reliably getting around to calling you before bed most if not every night, but there would be a certain level of audacity if you're getting on his case while he's working out of town at a job that's not going quite his way essentially for both your sakes.

    Also, how often are you complaining to him about your day and concerns over your surgery? My wife and I have had to be apart while she starts her job in the Midwest and I wrap everything up in NYC. We try to call before bed each night, which generally happens. Sometimes not, and that's fine. We don't pretend that frequent messages and phone calls are a substitute for when we'd seen each other every day. It sucks and you do your best to adapt. One or the other being miserable doesn't help. If my wife were treating a good chunk of our phone conversations as an excuse to complain about something, I wouldn't be eager to stay on the phone, either.

    You've got surgery coming up, which I understand isn't exactly fun. But it sounds like he's financially responsible for you two making it out of whatever rut you're in, and with being away from home himself working a job he's not a fan of, he's got a decent amount on his plate, too. Try to give him some credit for that much.

    And is your surgery life-threatening? Again, I get it sucks. I get it's nice having someone around (well... not for me-- I get uncomfortable with people going out of their way when I can cope just fine with it). But millions of single people get by just fine on their own in the hospital. His presence would be nice, but it isn't necessary. What's sounding necessary is him working this job. If that precludes him from being there to support you in-person, I would try not to passively hold that against him or put him in a position to feel guilty about it. He's handling his end. It's on you to handle yours now.

    And why are you completely alone without him? It sounds like he's found himself a social circle even away from home. Do you not have friends where you're actually local?

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    I can understand that. I guess I should how long I should try to ride it out then? I don't want to eventually feel disconnected from him. Theres a few interesting things to talk about most of the time. But I don't have a chance to discuss much of anything. My surgery is outpatient. it will my third shoulder surgery. I do have friends but they all work and my main friend doesn't have a driver's license so she depends on her bf to get her around. I do work. Part time. Which the last few until this week o was barely getting any hours. This week i got over time.

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    Originally Posted by msgirl
    I can understand that. I guess I should how long I should try to ride it out then? I don't want to eventually feel disconnected from him. Theres a few interesting things to talk about most of the time. But I don't have a chance to discuss much of anything. My surgery is outpatient. it will my third shoulder surgery. I do have friends but they all work and my main friend doesn't have a driver's license so she depends on her bf to get her around. I do work. Part time. Which the last few until this week o was barely getting any hours. This week i got over time.
    You ride it out as long as his being there makes sense financially. You choose not to react to "feeling disconnected" -you choose this by reminding yourself why you are with him in the first place, by reminding yourself that you are giving him space to show your support -and that is a connecting "feeling".

    It is your job either to handle adult stuff on your own or to create a life for yourself where you develop friendships where you help each other -reciprocity not dependence. I'm glad you got more work and I hope your surgery goes smoothly. I have a husband and I had to go to the ER by myself a few days ago. Never done that before. We didn't want to wake up our son and expose him to the ER on top of that. I was well enough to go by myself. And I did and it's good when your partner sees you taking care of yourself. Be happy for your partner that he is handling stuff -lots of stuff! - without you there. I also had to have emergency oral surgery (well, near emergency) by myself in May - my husband was on the way to the airport when I realized I needed to see a dentist ASAP. I did not ask him to cancel his business trip . i had no one to help me, i had to pick my son up later that day, I had to go to work the next day. I had oral surgery that day, picked him up three hours later still numb, went to work the next day. No I did not text with my husband all day -first because he was on a plane and second -because he was on a business trip . I wanted him to be able to focus and not worry about me. I strongly suggest you adopt that mindset right now - let him focus, be other-centered. If you have to hire a home health aide to come to your house if you need help during recovery. You will be ok!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this is happening. It sounds like he's moving away from not toward the relationship. Stop chitchatting all day. Instead send him an email telling him how you feel. However be aware he most likely already knows and is therefore avoiding you.

    Is this the same guy?: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by msgirl
    -He recently took a job out of town.
    -we chit chat on messenger throughout the day.
    -He always messages and says he's off work, he's gonna go home and charge his phone and call me in a few. Well that turns into like 2 or 3 hours.
    -I've been trying to have a conversation with him about how this all makes me feel.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your fiance took a job of town, both of you are struggling financially, he's living with friends of an old coworker and I'm sure he's tired before he goes to bed. He has things to do such as get food, eat, rest, stress over lack of money, etc.

    Try not to be so needy and clingy. Give him space. Back off. Don't be overbearing.

    Try to have a life of your own such as being busy with work, exercise, surrounding yourself with good friends, have interests, outings, hobbies and do what you like to do.

    Instead of insisting upon daily contact, scale back and be reasonable as opposed to demanding. Ask him if you can talk to him several times a week briefly as opposed to daily. Reach a compromise. Some people such as men in particular don't enjoy typing. It's easier to have a BRIEF conversation.

    Focus on your upcoming surgery and prepare yourself plus rest during your downtime. Don't bother him and relax as you recover and heal. Hope all goes well with your surgery.

    I hope you two are ready for marriage. "Love don't pay the rent."

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How do you plan on closing the distance? Will you move to his job area? Will he move back after making some money? Is there a wedding date? How are you planning on paying for an apt together or a wedding? Do you live at home? Are you working, studying? Who is "struggling financially", you or him?
    Originally Posted by msgirl
    He recently took a job out of town which we thought would be a great opportunity since we've struggling financially. But I'm his fiance.

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