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Thread: Struggle to Emotionally let go Despite Really Poor Behaviour

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Just curious - do you get so quickly and intensely attached if you don't sleep with them so soon?
    I don't think having early sex makes a big difference one way or the other for me. With Girl 1, it was close to love at first sight for me. By the end of our 1st date, I totally couldn't wait to see her again and this was obviously before sex.
    This love at first sight wasn't the case with Girl 2 but I wouldn't say that when we had sex, it caused any huge surge in my level of interest. I liked her and was enjoying seeing her before we had sex and equally, I liked her and was enjoying seeing her after we had sex.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    I don't think having early sex makes a big difference one way or the other for me. With Girl 1, it was close to love at first sight for me. By the end of our 1st date, I totally couldn't wait to see her again and this was obviously before sex.
    This love at first sight wasn't the case with Girl 2 but I wouldn't say that when we had sex, it caused any huge surge in my level of interest. I liked her and was enjoying seeing her before we had sex and equally, I liked her and was enjoying seeing her after we had sex.
    There is no love at first sight. There is only lust at first sight. Love is a calmer, deeper emotion. Takes time to develop. More importantly love requires actually getting to know the person in front of you. You are operating on intense lust plus a whole lot of imagination and projecting who you want the person in front of you to be because....hormones... So yes, a big part of your issues is super fast unhealthy attachment because your little head is leading hard and fast.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    There is no love at first sight. There is only lust at first sight. Love is a calmer, deeper emotion. Takes time to develop. More importantly love requires actually getting to know the person in front of you. You are operating on intense lust plus a whole lot of imagination and projecting who you want the person in front of you to be because....hormones... So yes, a big part of your issues is super fast unhealthy attachment because your little head is leading hard and fast.
    First you lust and then you love. Not the opposite.

    That's the point lol

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    So yes, a big part of your issues is super fast unhealthy attachment because your little head is leading hard and fast.
    Being totally honest, I don't agree with this at all.

    I know in myself when I have an attraction to someone that is purely sexual (I can think of numerous women for whom my attraction has been sexual only) and I can tell the difference in cases like these when just being with that person (even if we're in a place where sex is never going to happen) puts me on cloud 9.

    But thanks for your insights nontheless.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    Being totally honest, I don't agree with this at all.

    I know in myself when I have an attraction to someone that is purely sexual (I can think of numerous women for whom my attraction has been sexual only) and I can tell the difference in cases like these when just being with that person (even if we're in a place where sex is never going to happen) puts me on cloud 9.

    But thanks for your insights nontheless.
    The trouble with a post like this? It's basically you using insightful and reflective language to avoid growing out of the very place you're presently frustrated to be in.

    Get smaller, humbler, so you can see around more corners and actually get out of this place. "Love at first sight," as DancingFool said, is not a thing that exists. I'm not saying the thing that exists in that moment is just you wanting to rip someone's pants off, but that you've met someone who has a certain kind of juju that lights up your imagination. It's like you've got a movie already on the shelf—the movie of love, of connection—and you meet someone who puts that movie in the DVD player. Now it's playing in your mind in high definition, with them as the projection screen, and the problem becomes that the movie is so good that you lose sight of the person behind the screen and the story you're actually living in, together.

    Further, per the overall topic here, it seems that what you respond to most fiercely is when someone presses eject on the DVD player when you were still snacking on popcorn. They reference another Tinder date, or drunkenly kiss a friend, and you're suddenly really into things because you were really into the movie you were watching. It is, in other words, all about you, controlling the narrative, and wanting people to be characters in your story rather than, say, co-authors of the screenplay to see about making a movie together.

    So what you are calling a difficulty in "letting go" is, in ways, a desire for control. And yet where you find heat—the thing we want along with the comfort of the couch—is in loss of control. All of that, really, is fun house mirror stuff, illusory. It's people as vessels for feelings and experiences, rather than people, like you, who you connect with, or don't. When you decide you really want to connect—to throw out all the control stuff—I think you'll find yourself yawning through certain movies that now get you really excited.

  7. #36
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    I think you could well be right on the control thing. I can see it in other areas of my life i.e. I run my own business. I'm much happier making my own work related decisions than having a boss telling me what to do. I live by myself. I prefer individual sports to team sports - I much prefer having winning or losing within my control, rather than relying on others. So you may well be right in that I need to feel in control of how a dating relationship is progressing.

    "Love at first sight," as DancingFool said, is not a thing that exists. I'm not saying the thing that exists in that moment is just you wanting to rip someone's pants off, but that you've met someone who has a certain kind of juju that lights up your imagination.

    Agree. I would say I probably used the phrase 'love at first sight' simply because that's the saying. In reality, it was more 'I became massively attracted to this girl over the 4-5 hours of our 1st date and I couldn't wait to see her again'. But that isn't a phrase so instead we say 'it felt like love at first sight'. It's one of those things where for me, the words shouldn't be taken too literally.
    I honestly cannot agree with the 'you were just thinking with your d**k' thing though. If I was, I'd be honest enough to say so (and I can think of lots of encounters I've had in the past that were nothing more than lust) but I know in my mind that this wasn't the case here. It wasn't 'love' but it also wasn't just 'lust'. I don't believe it's as black and white as one or the other.

    Something that I would ask here at this point is having identified a possible cause for feeling the way I do (such as the aformentioned control thing), how best to overcome that?
    As I don't feel that I'm choosing to feel the need for control, I feel like it's a natural personality trait of mine that, as I mentioned, shows itself in other aspects of my life.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Everyone wants command over their own life. However you can't control others. The best thing you can do is to date with a strategy and common sense. This means communicate, be straight forward, pace yourself and lay your cards on the table when you want to focus on someone and be exclusive.

    If you stay in limbo, fail to communicate with confidence and have no plan of action, you'll be blowing in the wind rather than having command over your life. It may be more about confidence than control.
    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    As I don't feel that I'm choosing to feel the need for control, I feel like it's a natural personality trait of mine that, as I mentioned, shows itself in other aspects of my life.

  9. #38
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    Thanks, that's good advice. I've been reading and re-reading the advice on this thread and 1 or 2 others and I think maybe the key for me is just to have lower expectations in the early stages.
    Just to accept that they might display unpleasant behaviour / characteristics which make them a no-go. And rather than getting too hacked off by this, just to say 'that's ok. It just shows that they're not my match'.
    Just to accept that I can't be fully in control of how dating a specific person goes because, unlike with my business and my house and my sports, it's a joint enterprise - it needs both parties to play ball and it's impossible for me to be in control of more than half of that.

    So I'm thinking lower expectations and more of a 'what will be will be' attitude and an acceptance of this. Thanks for all the advice in this thread by the way, I've found a lot of it really really useful

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