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Thread: Struggle to Emotionally let go Despite Really Poor Behaviour

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Your picker is also way off.
    Sorry, what does this mean?

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    After a time when you're ready and usually around the time you want to move it to sex have the exclusive conversation.
    With both these girls, we first had sex on the 3rd date. I would quite happily have become exclusive at that point as, at the time, I was enjoying seeing both of them and would have been hurt at the thought of them being with anybody else (as I soon was when, in both cases, other prospects emerged!). However, I didn't initiate any talk as I felt like an exclusivity talk after 3 dates would be putting them under too much pressure too soon - interested to hear what others think on this?

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    Sorry, what does this mean?
    I meant that you are sabotaging yourself by choosing unreliable and untrustworthy women. You said that you are attracted to a 'bad girl' type. Why? I don't get the attraction, other than having inconsistency and drama in your life. Then, you continue to pursue after they have disrespected and treated you like crap. Look into your emotional unavailability and self esteem issues.

    "Something I would say as well is that in my choice of women, I've got a tendency to go for girls who are a bit unpredictable and different. A bit hippie, a bit of a wild side. But then I kind of want them to be reliable as well in a lot of ways, which I guess is a bit of a contradiction." This is not working. What is attractive about any of this?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 07-28-2019 at 06:11 PM.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    I've been thinking about this for a few minutes, trying to figure out if I agree or not.

    I think when everything's going well with someone I like and there's no problems and no dramas, I feel happy and content with life in general. Then as soon as something goes wrong, my happiness levels plummet and that general contentedness goes. I feel the need to repair things as quickly as possible to bring me back up to that happy place and that can result in me overlooking / ignoring an obvious dealbreaker.

    I think maybe the problem lies in my baseline happiness (this was talked about in a Law of Attraction class I attended earlier this week). While I wouldn't say I'm depressed as such, I feel my baseline happiness is too low and I'm too dependent on being in a good place with dating / a relationship if that makes sense?
    Healthy attracts healthy. i suggest you get yourself in a better place, then you will not desire these types of women. You should be happy with yourself and not expect others to complete you.

  5.  

  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I meant that you are sabotaging yourself by choosing unreliable and untrustworthy women. You said that you are attracted to a 'bad girl' type. Why? I don't get the attraction, other than having inconsistency and drama in your life. Then, you continue to pursue after they have disrespected and treated you like crap.
    I wouldn't say I deliberately choose 'bad girls', but more that I'm attracted to girls who, like me, are adventurous (ie who like hiking, wild swimming, campervanning) and sexual and maybe a bit rebellious (i.e. not against a bit of weed etc). I do believe that it's quite possible for a woman to have these characteristics but to still be a nice person and to still be fundamentally reliable in a relationship. I think I've maybe just been unlucky in that these 2 have turned out to not be reliable.

    I do totally agree with you though about the disrespect and treating me like crap. It's good to hear this said explicitly by someone else as it helps to reaffirm it in my mind.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Healthy attracts healthy. i suggest you get yourself in a better place, then you will not desire these types of women. You should be happy with yourself and not expect others to complete you.
    I'm very much working hard on this. I've been reading self-help books, attending Law of Attraction, meditation and yoga classes, basically doing everything I can to get myself into that happier place, regardless of my relationship / dating status.

  8. #17
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    Check out baggagereclaim.com. it helped me with my own emotional unavailability. Recognition is key.

    What is "wild swimming?"

  9. #18
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    To me it sounds like you might have low self-esteem and you actually don't think that you can do better than these women who treated you so badly. I think if you felt good and secure within yourself, you would not have allowed that thing to go on for as long as you did with these women and you would not still be chasing them. They treated you crap and you put up with it and you're still messaging them now! If you had more self-respect you would not be doing that.

    Also it seems like you're really fixated and even desperate to have "someone". It's OK not to have someone and to be single until you find a good person. It's better to be single than be with women that treat you badly.

    Also you may be coming on too strong. You said you wanted to be exclusive after only three dates and having sex only once. Um, why? After such a short time do you even really know these women?

    You need to chill out and stop fixating so much on having a girlfriend and just enjoy taking it slow and meeting different people.

  10. #19
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    I can definitely relate, and definitely you have some personal issues you need to work on, but I notice that these relationships you describe sort of fizzled when the honeymoon phase ended. Those first 2-4 months are fun, hot, exciting, and everyone is on their best behavior, getting to know one another, and then things start to get real. Real personalities come out. You can't stay up late talking or texting because you have work/school/kids. You can't run by the seat of your pants because you need to deal with laundry, errands, chores, and other responsibilities. That cute little quirk is actually extremely annoying.

    I feel like part of what you want or miss the most, is getting back to that fun phase. You miss it and you want it back. Who wouldn't? But that's not sustainable long-term. Reality has to set. The problem is, once this fun phase ends, you really don't have much left. Of course these women are "a little wild," and perhaps they seek the thrill of new relationship, and when it starts to get to be too "normal" and "real," the next shiny bauble catches their attention and they move on - both of these women moved on to other men, whether flirting or dating.

    Clearly your attraction to these "flighty" women might suggest self-esteem and personal issues that you should explore. These women feel normal to you. Using your abuse analogy, a lot of women who are victims of abuse grew up in an abusive home. This is their normal, and it feels wrong when dating a normal guy...something could feel very "off" about it and thus feels wrong...red flag, gut reaction wrong. There's something that has you enjoying this uncertainty and "wildness" of these women who bounce around all over the place.

    I can't tell you how to not miss it, or not want it back...you actually want the fantasy back, the hot first few months...it's not real, and you need to accept it. It's not easy, but you need to be aware. Sure, if that great person reaches out to me, I can see myself giving it another try (and I have). The second time does not work much better than the first, so if you try it, if one of them wants to see you, only try it once (not at all would be better), and if you end up back with the same-old story...that's it. No more. Seriously, it would be better just to go through the pain with NC, accept it and move on.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    So as I said, I struggle emotionally to let go anyone I get attached to regardless of how badly they treat me. The daft thing is that if anybody else on here posted the above stories, I'd say without a second thought “get rid. Go and find someone who deserves you”.
    Can anybody relate? Any advice on how I can stop my heart from ruling my head in these situations?
    Yes I can relate. In 2016 I was infatuated with a sexy b***** I hated myself. I knew she was a lying manipulative sociopath. But that didn't stop me from desiring her every waking moment. I would go long periods not contacting her. Knowing that was the right thing to do. But then I would rationalize and convince myself she wasn't that bad, and give her the benefit of a doubt one more time. And she was too happy to play along. Knowing what to do, and doing it, is sometimes a struggle for me. Ultimately I reached a point where I had had enough. Long story, but I just said enough is enough. Completely blocked her and set out to actively meet other women. She tried to contact me, and we bumped into one another. I just pretended not to know her. It seems a bit drastic, but drastic times require drastic measures. I'm in this life for me, and will do whatever is required.

    I find breaking all contact and dating/meeting other women is the best way to emotionally break away from these evil sexy vixens :)

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