In an affair ... what to do

[JustMe2020]

Hello,

Since one year in an affair. The first 4 moments were INSANE. Afterwards seemed we both were madly in love with each other. After the 4 months she broke up, and said because I didn't asked her to start a relation, she didn't wanted to see me anymore. We were not being honest to each other, and never actually said we were in love. We both were keeping our story high of keeping in the current relationship and just see each other for romance and sex. She broke up, and for both of us hell started (we told each other later). I was a wreck, and so was she. We didn't actually broke contact (texting almost every day) but didn't saw each other. I really wanted to see her. After two months she invited me without pre-notice celebrating her birthday in the city with her friends. It aaaalll came out from both sides ... we were there for each other, she tlld me it was the nicest birthday of her life I gave her, we had great sex ... but she decided not to go in a relation with me anymore. We still, after a year, talk daily. She can't miss me, I can't miss her. I think of her every single minute of the day ... for one year now. She was mad at me, I at her ... but always came back together. And we both know we can't miss each other. We still love each other. She is in a relation where her guy has a mental disorder. She sees it as her duty to take care of him, and at the time let her life pass. With what she told me, and what I can feel is he doesn't really botter to get better because she does everything for him. It's such a pitty. I really would move the world for her... but she's not interested anymore ... just to talk every day, have nice romance together and the best sex ever. But I really want more, I want her to be happy all the way, and I'm sure I can do thiw ... she just doesn't let me.

I had my chance ... missed it ... and will regret it my entire life ... have to live with it. But every day I hope this message comes her asking me if I'm still interested. But it's killing me.

I'm in a relation for a very long time. My wife is just great, the best mum and wife. Besides we were having a sex-issue I can say we were the best couple ever. But the sex problem had become a really big issue, what was the point I met my girlfriend (with the advice of my wife to fill in the sexneed with another girl). My relation now is status below zero. Actually don't know what to do. I so love my girlfriend, knowing she loves me ... but letting something great pass ...

[Wiseman2]

So the tinder girl is going to dump you if you don't get divorced?

I really love my wife, but for years we are two different persons when it comes to libido. So I started a search on Tinder.

[JustMe2020]

I guess not. But indeed I think she sees it as a stabile situation. Me, being a bachelor, is much less safe she thinks I guess. I only have sex with her, but she's constantly saying also to have sex with my wife ... but this will not happen.

It's a ed up situation. I also feel sorry for my wife. She's the best, but she can't handle anymore me seeing her, and also saying the sex-issue at home will never chance ...

[Billie28]

So you are willing to leave your wife and children but only if you have guaranteed sex?

That is very selfish and cowardly of you.

Why don’t you leave your wife and kids and only then when you are settled in a one bedroom apartment paying child support , get on tinder again?

[JustMe2020]

No, you are turning it upside down. I was willing to stay with my family if I have a solution for sex. For now, my partner stated 'sex is over'. How weird it may sound, I believe sex is the glue for a good relation. The freedom of seeing my girlfriend also is not sure anymore. I was more then a year ago in this position, and went insane and depressed (as a matter of speak).

I know it is f#cked up. Part of my brain also says: 'you are having a great life, continue it with your family without sex' . But I also love my girlfriend so much, and i'm sure we mean something for each other beside the sex. In an other world I'm sure both families could live in peace with each other.

[JustMe2020]

I also want to 'be' with someone. My wife is my first partner, to find my girlfriend I was nearly 15 years on tinder I guess. Never met anyone I felt this special thing. Never had sex with someone.

[Wiseman2]

Obviously there are huge issues in your marriage because what happens everywhere else will reflect in the bedroom. Obviously you have kids have had sex and she at one point married you and had a sex life with you. So the problem seems to be both of you. It sounds like you fail at being a lover, being romantic, being a decent husband and seem to take your wife for grated and have shoved her into a housekeeper/nanny position.

Have you forgotten she's a woman with needs including needing romance, attention, dates, being listened to and being appreciated? Maybe focusing on your selfishness and ignoring her and having a gf pisses her off? Geez, what dilemma. Start treating her like a sexual woman and with respect and not a fixture in the house. Get your butt to a marriage therapist, rather than pitying your wife for the problems you're causing. Obviously most of your "GFs" will dump you, when they learn you have no intention of leaving your wife and only use them for sex...unless they're hookers..

I only have sex with her, but she's constantly saying also to have sex with my wife.
I also feel sorry for my wife. She's the best, but she can't handle anymore me seeing her, and also saying the sex-issue at home will never chance ...

[JustMe2020]

I'm thankfull for your honest repky. But it's not like this. We had sex all right, but she admitted long time ago it was an effort for her, even when it was great for the both of us! I suggested to get a babysit / childsit / housekeeper to do nice things with her. She wasn't interested... I really tried, but she insisted doing it all and stay with our kid. We never had a babysit who wasn't one of our parents. And this was the issue for a schoolparentevening or when we both had to work. We didn't anything in the evening together for the last 12 years, even if i insisted.

I really don't think there is someone to blame ...

[lostandhurt]

Look, if you wife told you to get a side chick so you would stop wanting to have sex with her then it isn't an affair. BUT you cannot expect some woman to stick around very long if there is no future with you other than to meet to have sex. You will end up going through plenty of women over time. So you have an open marriage if your wife is totally okay with you having sex with other women so you need to find a woman in similar circumstances.

I suggest you try and repair your broken marriage and face the intimacy issues head on. If there is no solution then get a divorce and stop using people for your needs. Also leave this gf alone so she can one day find a guy that is available emotionally and physically. Don't you want her to be happy? How can she ever be happy dating a guy that is married?

Lost

[loyal]

In an other world I'm sure both families could live in peace with each other.

There is no other world. And infidelity is NOT OK. You are married. You say you love your wife, but you are doing something that would probably break her heart completely if she knew! If there is a problem at home with your wife, you work on fixing that; you don't simply look elsewhere for compensation.

What you are doing is wrong. On so many levels. You are not a victim. And yes, there is someone to blame. YOU. You are treating your girlfriend how you should be treating your wife! Perhaps your wife doesn't want to be intimate with you because you are not home with her, you've been on Tinder for a long time, and you would "move the world" for your girlfriend, but not her.

How are you OK with this? What made you think it is OK to be on a dating app when you are married?