Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 7 of 8 FirstFirst ... 45678 LastLast
Results 61 to 70 of 74

Thread: Which one of us is the problem?

  1. #61
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,365
    Let me ask you this:

    How does 50 years of marriage to Ryan, EXACTLY AS HE IS (not how you wish he'd be) sound to you?

    Does it sound like the marriage you've always wanted? Or does it sound more like a life sentence?

    Also think about this: What does Ryan deserve? A wife who loves and cherishes him EXACTLY AS HE IS, or a wife who thinks she should love him in a wifely way but has doubts?

  2. #62
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,785
    Your parents want you to be happy and please don't set up these ridiculous notions that any other guy you meet will have bad qualities. It's not about good qualities -that is part of it - of course -but it's about being a good match for you. Watch St. Elmo's Fire -that's one example of a woman having to tell her father why she is not going to marry the good guy -the perfect guy on paper. See how her parents react, especially her father. And in that same movie Ally Sheedy realizes she is not in love with her college sweetheart anymore. For example. For me feeling nauseous as you describe meant it wasn't right. We're not just online strangers -I mean, we are, but what it's triggering in you is real. And needs at least to be listened to. By you.

    I personally take issue with you "reminding" Ryan how to have fun. Who are you to do that? Maybe those details are unimportant to you but not to him. Why do you get to pick what's important and how he should look at life? Is he asking you? My husband and I sometimes have different perspectives along those lines. And we learn from each other but for me the learning doesn't come from one of us dictating how the other should be. It comes from being with the person and seeing how the person reacts in certain situations and seeing that can trigger change - like "oh, so instead of letting the smoking ruin the moment he instead did ___" - but it has to come from the person -not from you lecturing or "suggesting" things like "lighten up" or along those lines. It's condescending and disrespectful. Someone else who is the right match for him might also think he shouldn't sweat the small stuff but she won't want to dictate to him how he should be or wish he would change in the dramatic way you do. I won't even treat my child that way or if I find myself doing that I stop myself. It's not a good way for him to learn and develop even though he's only 10.

    Yes, breaking up is really inconvenient and upsetting. But it will only be worse if you marry him and especially if you own a home together, have a child with him. Can you imagine being at your wedding with all eyes on you and you're battling those inner demons about whether this is the right thing? Wondering if your nausea shows on your face? Smiling for photos but a forced smile? Noticing how Ryan notices all the negatives about the photographer being late or whatever?

    Yes it's not black and white, yes you'll have those fun romantic times. And you know what - after a 7 year on and off relationship I finally ended in January 2005 it took until June 2005 for me to really really get once and for all why we were not a good match despite having a lot of love and care there. And it was all triggered by an offhand comment a mutual friend made about him. We were NOT gossiping about him at all -she'd stayed in touch with him and I was actually in touch with him too. She mentioned an aspect of his personality she'd noticed when out at lunch with him. Not even in a critical way. And that was my aha moment -and it was similar to Ryan's deal -similar to the way he reacted to me, his way of expressing emotion, his way of listening . I actually brought it up with my ex when we spoke - not in a confrontational way but you know what -he basically said it was so, that was him.

    It took me all of those on and off times, and all that time after to really pinpoint why we were wrong. Sometimes people don't get that sense of closure -they just know it wasn't right, and that's ok too. I will tell you why I didn't have that aha moment while we were together. Because I was so caught up in trying to make it right with him, to believe that the fun and romantic and good times were "this is who we are/the doubts are ridiculous!" only to have that inevitable crash, whether days or weeks or hours later. I did not want to lose him, the life we could have together, his family who I loved. And thank goodness it finally came to a head and I finally walked away for good. Because 6 months later I had a catch up dinner with my long ago ex who I'd been engaged to -and the rest is history as I mentioned above. Had I still been torturing myself with the other guy I am sure it would have gone nowhere fast.

    It's not about being "that happy" - for some it is for sure -some couples are in a constant state of ultra happiness and bliss and passion and chemistry (or so they say on Facebook lol). Do I envy them -sure, sometimes I do - I don't have that and I'm good -more than good -you know why? Because I feel at home with him (like the Billy Joel song - she's my house, she's my home), because even if I don't for whatever reason I know for sure I will, again, very soon. Because I love him and I know we are meant to be together, he is my one, I'm not thinking grass is greener anywhere, I'm not checking out other guys with any kind of "what if" (ok so I have a mild crush on a local radio personality who I've never met, I'm sure my husband has experienced that too at some point). We are together, we are together for better or for worse and I feel that sense of security without going ga ga over him every time I see him. And I know he isn't ga ga over me every second nor would I want him to be. I don't feel nauseous even when we argue, even when I worry about us not spending enough time together given our parenting and job responsibilities. But it doesn't shake me to the core, which is a mighty strong core.

    Please don't tell yourself you're expecting an unrealistic level of bliss with your long time partner (again of course certain couples have that -it can happen!- but I don't sense this is your standard) - tell yourself you want a situation where you feel solid about your feelings for your partner, that you're not anxious that you're going to randomly wake up tomorrow or the next day or the day after the wedding and have serious, core-shaking doubts. That level of anxiety, worry, insecurity "what if he's not right/what if it's romantic today but tomorrow I find him like I did at the amusement park" - that level is not normal. Again it's not set in stone -that's why you have to make the horribly hard choices - some have it easier because their partners act like jerks, or have qualities that are dealbreakers etc or wake up and say "you know, I don't want children, sorry" or "sorry I had sex with my coworker last night". That's an "easier" decision. I made the tough ones you are facing now -letting "good guys" go (ok, so one married a man 15 years later, so I guess that was a good call on my part, despite not thinking at all that he was gay) - having to tell friends and family I did so with the inevitable "but you are ___ years old - you'll see what's out there and you will regret it!!!"

    My male friend from grad school was engaged many years ago to a lovely woman. Late 20s. She was always so smiley around him, but kind of fake smiley. He was head over heels. Crazy about her. They got engaged, planned a big wedding. A few months before the wedding she told him she was having doubts. Could she have 6 months to decide and postpone the wedding. He said no. He just was not up for that and didn't buy that she'd know in 6 months or ever. So we all got Amex gift cards, those of us who bought engagement gifts. About a year later he met his future wife through a dating site. Honestly, I always have wondered whether he had as good chemistry with her. But he says he is happy, he seems happy, they've been married almost 20 years now. She's lovely and lovely to him. They're well matched. Oh and his ex with the doubts also married a few years later -I ran into her. So it all worked out. It really can work out for the best. The nausea isn't worth it, I promise.

  3. #63
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,600
    OP, I don't mean to pile it on, but I agree with Batya that it's not your place to remind Ryan how he should have fun or how he should spend his time or anything else re his life.

    You're you, and he's him = not compatible.

    Another poster (sorry can't remember who) mentioned the five love languages, are you familiar?

    Receiving gifts
    Quality time
    Words of affirmation
    Acts of service
    Physical touch

    Reading your posts, it's clear to me that his main LL is "acts of service" and yours is "physical touch."

    You suggested in your initial post that there may be something "wrong" with him - no there is nothing wrong with him other than him having a different main LL from you and that is not "wrong."

    Personally speaking, while I am a very sexual/sensual girl, I cannot stand being constantly touched and groped the way you need, physical touch is actually no. 4 on the list of importance to me..

    Receiving gifts is no. 5, the last.

    "Quality time" is no. 1 and "acts of service" is no. 2 so Ryan and I would most likely get on quite well if we were together.

    Anyway, if you really want to save this, why not buy the LL book and read together?

    My last bf and I did and it very much helped us to understand each other better, our respective needs.

    Like have you ever asked him to give you a tickle bath or a massage? Which I love too btw even though physical touch is not my main love language.

    A man "doing" through action (the way Ryan does for you) speaks more to me than a man constantly touching me or PDA.

    Anyway, re erotic massages and baths, he may realize he enjoys giving as much as getting, just from how you respond to it and him giving.

    I dunno, just a thought, you seem very dissatisfied in this relationship.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-28-2019 at 03:43 PM.

  4. #64
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Location
    Fort Collins, CO
    Age
    24
    Posts
    16
    Gender
    Female
    I have asked him multiple times for all of it, it's just not that natural for him. I'll save those languages, I'll probably tell him about those when I talk to him. Thank you guys sincerely for all of your help. I'm not going to come on here for a while because it's making me so stressed I feel like I'm really on the constant verge of throwing up or having a panic attack. I'm going to call and get a therapist today, and I'll talk to Ryan either tonight, tomorrow, or possibly after I've spoken to a therapist. I just don't know if I can wait that long, trying to fake not being stressed out of my mind is too much. I can't believe I have to tell a guy who loves me as much as he possibly could and wants to get married that he shouldn't propose and there's a serious chance we could break up. I know it's worse not to tell him, but I'm going to break his heart in a million pieces :'''(

  5.  

  6. #65
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,785
    I'm sorry it's stressing you. It's stressing you because part of it rings true for you, at least part. Yes, he will be heartbroken for awhile. Yes, if you two aren't together in the future then you both will find better matches and you both will feel thankful that you walked away to find your forever people (even if the forever person is being with yourself in an honest and true way).

  7. #66
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,341
    Breaking up with someone who loves you is hard, no doubt about it.

    I felt terribly guilty when I broke up with one specific ex, almost named Ryan, oddly enough. On paper, he was a good guy. We'd been together five years and everyone thought we would get married. I knew he wasn't right for me, though. I didn't yet have that much dating experience to compare it to, but I knew something was missing for me. We met at age 18 and broke up at 23.

    Yes, I felt awful for hurting him. It was very hard to watch him break down when I finally mustered up the courage to tell him it was over. However, I also did feel a weight lifting off of me, knowing I had done the right thing. It's been many years since then and I never regretted ending it. We both moved on. I believe he is now married with kids. Your boyfriend will someday heal, too, and you will likely both be happier with others who are better matches in the long run.

  8. #67
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,406
    Gender
    Female
    I referred to my last relationship and though it broke up for a variety of reasons, I am thankful we are no longer together.

    Reading Kira's experiences, with someone who seems to be just going through the motions and not engaging her emotionally or not feeling present in the moment, especially when doing something that could be perceived as enjoyable. It's really uncomfortable.

    Our partner or parents mirror our experiences for us to some degree. It's doesn't feel good to feel and it's as if you are doing something alone, when your partner is right there with you.

    I remember one of our last days together, I suggested a hike. The day was picture perfect, with running streams and sunny breezy morning. He plodded along behind me and even though I really tried to block it out and enjoy it, his lack of any emotion or interest, (which was just him, mind you) pretty much took away from the experience.

    Had we brought out the best in each other in other ways, I would have overlooked this. I found myself often telling myself that it wasn't wrong, it was just a difference. But a lifetime of that? I dunno. It would be hard.

    I honestly couldn't tell if he was enjoying anything we did. Though he said he was. If I could have filled in the blank with what I thought was going on, I could just as easily assumed he hated the things we did.

    But it's just the way he was. That was never going to change.

  9. #68
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Posts
    154
    It seems like on a subconscious level you're both settling but there's been so much time invested that no one wants to "pull the trigger" and officially end it.

    Leaving a routine can be hard but you owe it to yourselves to explore and see if you can find something that feels right.

    Has the relationship always been like this? If not, maybe some couples therapy or some relationship help books might give you ideas on how to being back the spark.

    You need to act fast.

    It sounds like you're family have been lead on in a way. They think this relationship is one way when you two clearly see it a different way.

    You're family isnt going to understand delaying your engagement and if you're not straight forward with yourselves OR you're family, you might slowly get pressured into walking down the aisle; you guys might end up in so much denial that you sort of "go with the flow" and do what everyone else wants you to do because you've been waiting so long.

    Not sure how engagement popped into the picture but it sounds like this was done because someone felt that this was the next step and they felt obligated to play the role.

    Trust me. Engagement should IMPROVE the relationship, it should be a positive step up from an already positive situation. You guys should be all over each other and you should be in a perfect little bliss until the months after the wedding when you're no longer considered newly weds. Even now, you guys should be in bliss because you have a fiance and you're making a huge decision to spend you're lives together, you're finger should be aching for that ring and husband and wife life.

  10. #69
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Posts
    154
    Originally Posted by rchubn
    It seems like on a subconscious level you're both settling but there's been so much time invested that no one wants to "pull the trigger" and officially end it.

    Leaving a routine can be hard but you owe it to yourselves to explore and see if you can find something that feels right.

    Has the relationship always been like this? If not, maybe some couples therapy or some relationship help books might give you ideas on how to being back the spark.

    You need to act fast.

    It sounds like you're family have been lead on in a way. They think this relationship is one way when you two clearly see it a different way.

    You're family isnt going to understand delaying your engagement and if you're not straight forward with yourselves OR you're family, you might slowly get pressured into walking down the aisle; you guys might end up in so much denial that you sort of "go with the flow" and do what everyone else wants you to do because you've been waiting so long.

    Not sure how engagement popped into the picture but it sounds like this was done because someone felt that this was the next step and they felt obligated to play the role.

    Trust me. Engagement should IMPROVE the relationship, it should be a positive step up from an already positive situation. You guys should be all over each other and you should be in a perfect little bliss until the months after the wedding when you're no longer considered newly weds. Even now, you guys should be in bliss because you have a fiance and you're making a huge decision to spend you're lives together, you're finger should be aching for that ring and husband and wife life.
    To answer the question I think you're the one with the problem. No offense. We can't assume his emotions but you basically just verbalized you're having doubts about this guy but you're still in a relationship

  11. #70
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Age
    57
    Posts
    5,972
    Gender
    Male
    Basically, it's clear that he's a certain way and I'm a certain way, and that won't change.
    Nailed it. Neither of you are the problem. The problem is you're just not a good match.

Page 7 of 8 FirstFirst ... 45678 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •