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Thread: Which one of us is the problem?

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Kira L
    I'm sincerely wishing I didn't mention my dependence, because it's not a big deal, he ENJOYS doing those things for me. It makes him feel proud and genuinely happy to help me, so please just move on from the dependence issue. He's one of those guys that likes to show his affection in his helpfulness. It's not creating an unhealthy dynamic because it works for US.
    With respect, I have to disagree that it works well for you as a couple.

    You cited this as among the reasons you are afraid to leave him. That doesn't suggest it's as great a set-up as you're now claiming. I don't mean that it doesn't work on a surface-level day-to-day basis, and that he doesn't want to play this role within your relationship. However, it's evidently not a positive aspect of your union if you yourself named it as a factor that is keeping you in an otherwise unsatisfying relationship.

    Just something to chew on.

  2. #32
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    If he was as spontaneous as you he wouldn't be able to pay the bills and do your taxes.

    Decide what's more important: having someone who's a good guy and who takes care of the bills and your chores, or someone who won't do those things for you but will run around with you making silly faces, hug on you and drop everything to go somewhere on a whim.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You cited this as among the reasons you are afraid to leave him.
    I addressed that in an earlier response - that's not actually a reason I'm not leaving him, I misspoke there. I was complaining about being scared, but the real reason I don't want to leave is because I love him so crazy much. It's just not usually "spark love" or whatever you'd call that magic feeling.

  4. #34
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    **CHANGING SUBJECT**

    I'm going to do a new question, now that I know what I'm asking. Just ignore everything else, haha I said way more than needed to be addressed in my post. I just got upset and posted all the negatives with no positives. The relationship really isn't in as bad of a spot as I made it sound.

    1. How much/often do you guys think you should feel the spark with the person you plan to marry?

    2. How much of an impact do you think having our own friends would make on the health of the relationship? Could it really be a reason it's not working as well as I'd hoped?

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you told him what you want from the relationship, affection, romance and sex? What things do you do to plan romantic date nights and interesting things to do?
    Originally Posted by Kira L
    He's one of those guys that likes to show his affection in his helpfulness.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by Kira L
    No... it's things like that person saying "It's not kindergarten" in reference to me liking silliness. As I said, Batya33 was telling me to leave too. She just gave a thorough and helpful explanation and came from a very reasonable place. "You should try this and see how you feel, it can be hard and you don't always know for sure" instead of "This relationship sucks. Get out now and stop wasting his time." It's a generally happy, respectful, loving relationship, it's not like I'm "using him". He means the world to me. I'm totally ok with people saying we should break up, but not for trivial reasons. I'm sincerely wishing I didn't mention my dependence, because it's not a big deal, he ENJOYS doing those things for me. It makes him feel proud and genuinely happy to help me, so please just move on from the dependence issue. He's one of those guys that likes to show his affection in his helpfulness. It's not creating an unhealthy dynamic because it works for US. That's what I'm talking about, you're just taking it at face value. It's not like I don't plan to learn how to do these things as I get older, I'm just getting there slower than most. I can also live off of the money I make, just not in at all as much excess as I do now.
    They are not trivial reasons. You can both be fantastic people, but not be compatible, emotionally and physically. It does not work for you, or you would not have created this thread. You have not accepted the proposal due to your concerns, and stated, "but I don't know if I'll ever be able to get rid of this nagging feeling. I'm missing the basic things, like, I have to make myself feel excited about the idea of marrying him someday. I'm not usually extremely excited to be with him, or proud of my choice in a permanent partner. As in, I never look at him and think "That's MY guy!!"," This is serious stuff! I think your fear of being independent is clouding your judgement.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 07-26-2019 at 01:18 PM.

  8. #37
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    What you are complaining about is a man who is not giving you enough affection.

    Men have to kiss the girl once a week like they did the first time. They have to give her that special hug from behind. And he has to initiate these things. He's not very gracious either.

    Mark my words: Women need affection to stay in love with a man.

    Plus, he's not much fun. I was talking with a woman a few weeks ago who was put off by dating........she was describing the guys she talked to.......about how they like to play golf, collect stamps.......I said, "The problem is, they are boring". She said, "Exactly!" This guy sounds like an army drill Sargent without the ordering around part. One of women's themes songs is "Girls just Want To Have Fun".

    2. How much of an impact do you think having our own friends would make on the health of the relationship? Could it really be a reason it's not working as well as I'd hoped?
    All that said, you can't expect your partner to be your entire world (get some friends, interests outside of your relationship), and I have seen worse. He does not have any major problems that I can tell - he's just not the perfect man. Nobody is perfect. He's just not the one initiating the affection. Some relationships are much worse, the man rejects the woman's advances.

    Could you do better than him? If you are hot and meet a lot of men, possibly. But it's still going to be a search for a needle in a haystack.

    Finally, I think your relationship is past the honeymoon stage. Yet, you love him very much. He's doing enough right and not too much bad, he owns your heart. You are not going anywhere.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by Kira L
    **CHANGING SUBJECT**

    I'm going to do a new question, now that I know what I'm asking. Just ignore everything else, haha I said way more than needed to be addressed in my post. I just got upset and posted all the negatives with no positives. The relationship really isn't in as bad of a spot as I made it sound.

    1. How much/often do you guys think you should feel the spark with the person you plan to marry?

    2. How much of an impact do you think having our own friends would make on the health of the relationship? Could it really be a reason it's not working as well as I'd hoped?
    There should certainly be a spark now. You are not even married yet.

    You should have friends to have a healthy balance, whether or not you have a partner. You and a partner should have some separate interests.

  10. #39
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    There are many women who freak out when they meet Mr. perfect. Instead of enjoying him, they look for imperfections. Part of the reason they seek imperfections is because they obsess about their own imperfections. Ultimately, they may be afraid Mr. perfect will discover her imperfections and leave. As a result, she has to find something wrong with him. Thatís the behavior of a saboteur.

    Secondly, have you ever asked him about his needs? I have not heard you once mention what he needs. You assume the things you do are fulfilling for him. One of the toughest things for women is to sit down and ask a man if he is fulfilled in the relationship. Ask him what he needs. You have to do that without interrupting him. Nor can you be defensive. Just listen. If you donít understand something, ask questions. Then shut up and listen. You donít get to tell him what he should want or need.

    Third, the most successful relationships are built on mutual values. Integrity is number one. Do the 2 of you value integrity the same way? If not, the relationship will have many problems. Once you understand if integrity is mutual, you need to see if the way you value communication is similar. How do you want to raise and educate your children? Where do you want to live? How transparent are you? What are your philosophies about mental and physical health? How do you value personal development? Do you value personal development? What about travel? Are you interested in the things he thinks about? Are you capable of having conversations about those things?

    If you understand there are things you will be better at, like walking up to strangers, you can leverage one anotherís strengths. Aside from that, instead of you complaining about him touching you, why arenít you giving him what you want? That means you touch and kiss him and give the affection you want. Whatís wrong with you initiating sex? Sex is a human desire. Both are responsible for it. You are making yourself a victim when you are just as responsible for getting what you want. If you canít give what you want, you donít deserve it.

    Also, itís unhealthy to buy into things that are not true, like the person you are with will drive you up the wall. Believing that will only create a self fulfilling prophecy. It sounds like you have no idea how to have a relationship. You believe what you see in movies is a relationship. That will cause you to miss the enjoyment you have in your relationship.

    Perhaps you are seeking excitement to avoid looking at yourself. Have you considered doing some kind of transformational workshop? You may need to discover why you believe you have so many flaws.

  11. #40
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    Kira L, Did you grow up with both parents? Did you grow up in a home with drama? Which of your parents played victim?

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