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Thread: Which one of us is the problem?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    "It's not "ha ha" about feeling it as much as I should - because there's no ha ha about committing to a person for life. I hate to be overly simplistic but I'll put it to you this way. If you're actually content to have an engagement ring sitting in a box for all of that time and you're not wanting it on your finger as a symbol of your commitment and excitement about your future commitment you kinda sorta have your answer."

    YES!!!
    I want to clarify -I really disliked -and still do the chorus of "you just know" when someone is "the one". Because some people do, good for them, some people don't "just know" but with their head and heart involved and sometimes some soul searching - they come to that decision and when they do it's just as strong and solid and true as the "just know" crowd. I can spin my story -part two of it as "just know" because I swear I just knew when we got back together and had our first real kiss after 8 years - I mean talk about a ha moment. I didn't tell him what I was feeling because you know didn't want to scare him lol - but yes I did. Is that what carried me through to knowing he was the one. Actually, no. It helped, it triggered the trajectory towards marriage but no it wasn't totally smooth sailing. Because I'm not a smooth sailing chick. And you know being forced to not soar on the wings of love passively and go with "I just know he is the one" forced me, personally, to do some dissection to make sure we were right this time, that I was the right person to find the right person in general and that we were right together. For me personally owning my decision in that way strengthened my commitment.

  2. #22
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    We are going from your words: he does not meet you emotional and physical needs. You are twisting things. You said the issues started from day one.

    I think that this is mostly tied up in your dependence and lack of social life. You have made your life about him.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    It's not "ha ha" about feeling it as much as I should - because there's no ha ha about committing to a person for life. I hate to be overly simplistic but I'll put it to you this way. If you're actually content to have an engagement ring sitting in a box for all of that time and you're not wanting it on your finger as a symbol of your commitment and excitement about your future commitment you kinda sorta have your answer.
    You're definitely right about that - that was my true question. Whether me never really having felt the spark and not feeling super excited about a huge commitment was a bad sign. Everything you say is so sound and is spoken with so much experience, I really appreciate your input. At the end of the day, it probably shouldn't feel like labor for me to get excited about our future together. I'll think more seriously about the possibility of leaving. It's just so weird, I feel like us breaking up seems like some kind of dream, like it's physically impossible in the real world.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. basically it sounds like you're incompatible. Why is he dating/living with you if he has no interest in sex with you? What were things like before you moved in together? It doesn't matter what your or his family thinks, only how comfortable you feel with him and this relationship.

    Stop smothering and crowding him with the 'tickle baths' etc. people need personal space and none of that is erotic or affectionate, nor is running 'around the room making crazy faces'. It's not kindergarten.

    Get out of the rut of domestic drudgery and plan exciting interesting things. Get more involved outside of the relationship/home with friends, family, career, courses, classes, (computer courses, financial management, whatever) interests and hobbies. Volunteer, join some groups and clubs. Get in shape and update your clothes, hair, look etc. be out of the house much more on your own. Learn to do more things on t your own and independently

    Whether you stay together or part ways becoming your own person and toning down the high-school behavior will help any relationship you're in. Learn to be a responsible, mature yet loving partner. Being playful and acting like a kindergartner are two different things.
    Originally Posted by Kira L
    -Every day, I completely shower him with "tickle baths" as we call them, massages, kisses, and compliments.
    -He didn't initiate sex for months until I directly asked him to
    -After all this time I've started to feel unattractive/unwanted
    - I always want to do crazy, wild things. I'm fun and spontaneous, I like to run around the room making funny faces and being silly
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 07-26-2019 at 10:39 AM.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Kira L
    You're definitely right about that - that was my true question. Whether me never really having felt the spark and not feeling super excited about a huge commitment was a bad sign. Everything you say is so sound and is spoken with so much experience, I really appreciate your input. At the end of the day, it probably shouldn't feel like labor for me to get excited about our future together. I'll think more seriously about the possibility of leaving. It's just so weird, I feel like us breaking up seems like some kind of dream, like it's physically impossible in the real world.
    Kira, What would you do if he broke up with you? I think that you would move on and survive. You need address your dependence with a counselor, as it is really unhealthy. Did your parents do everything for you? It seems that you have gone from one caretaker to another. Don't you want to be self sufficient?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry this is happening. basically it sounds like you're incompatible. Why is he dating/living with you if he has no interest in sex with you? What were things like before you moved in together? It doesn't matter what your or his family thinks, only how comfortable you fell with him and this relationship.

    Stop smothering and crowding him with the 'tickle baths' etc. people need personal space and none of that is erotic or affectionate, nor is running 'around the room making crazy faces'. It's not kindergarten.

    Get out of the rut of domestic drudgery and plan exciting interesting things. Get more involved outside of the relationship/home with friends, family, career, courses, classes, interests and hobbies. Volunteer, join some groups and clubs. Get in shape and update your clothes, hair, look etc. be out of the house much more on your own.

    Whether you stay together or part ways becoming your own person and toning down the high-school behavior with help any relationship you're in. Learn to be a responsible, yet loving partner.
    I know, I definitely need to get out there and have my own life. I'll put that on priority.
    I don't think that's a fair assessment of my behavior though, a ton of people are really goofy. It's not immature, my dad is goofy all the time because he's just a happy, silly guy. Also, Ryan LOVES being pampered. I do all that stuff for him because he's like a puppy, always begging for me pet him lol. He'll often take his shirt off and lay on me so I can give him back scratches.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I want to clarify -I really disliked -and still do the chorus of "you just know" when someone is "the one". Because some people do, good for them, some people don't "just know" but with their head and heart involved and sometimes some soul searching - they come to that decision and when they do it's just as strong and solid and true as the "just know" crowd.
    It's nice to hear from a non-"you just know" person. I feel like everyone is so quick to push an aggressive opinion based on one idea or fact. You've come to the conclusion that I should try going on my own like everyone else has, but it's so clear you really understand where I'm coming from, and have had enough experience to know how complicated it can be. One single problem like dependence doesn't really affect us seriously. My lack of social life, yes, but I'm working hard on that. That's the point, nothing is hard and fast, I could change myself for the better and come around to him once I'm not hardwired to look for the negative. It doesn't always have to either be perfect or nothing. I just really appreciate you looking at everything as a whole and giving your educated opinion :) Some of these responses seem angrier rather than helpful/constructive, haha.

  9. #28
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    I think that it seems "angrier" because it is hitting a nerve. The truth can suck. He supports you financially and does many thing for you. This is dependence. Like it or not.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I think that it seems "angrier" because it is hitting a nerve. The truth can suck.
    No... it's things like that person saying "It's not kindergarten" in reference to me liking silliness. As I said, Batya33 was telling me to leave too. She just gave a thorough and helpful explanation and came from a very reasonable place. "You should try this and see how you feel, it can be hard and you don't always know for sure" instead of "This relationship sucks. Get out now and stop wasting his time." It's a generally happy, respectful, loving relationship, it's not like I'm "using him". He means the world to me. I'm totally ok with people saying we should break up, but not for trivial reasons. I'm sincerely wishing I didn't mention my dependence, because it's not a big deal, he ENJOYS doing those things for me. It makes him feel proud and genuinely happy to help me, so please just move on from the dependence issue. He's one of those guys that likes to show his affection in his helpfulness. It's not creating an unhealthy dynamic because it works for US. That's what I'm talking about, you're just taking it at face value. It's not like I don't plan to learn how to do these things as I get older, I'm just getting there slower than most. I can also live off of the money I make, just not in at all as much excess as I do now.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    To a fault you have become dependent on him for things...but who doesn't do that in a relationship? He's not lazy, I think he's on the spectrum...an aspie possibly. If you know anything about autism, there is a symptom of not knowing social cues, mimicking emotions, being clueless how to feel or react, so interaction is awkward or non existent. This could be why he doesn't do those light touches, or do things because he wants to...he just doesn't know what they are because he doesn't feel it. So you can be rest assured this has nothing to do with you, this is the way he is. You are going to have to live with it if you insist on staying in a relationship with him.

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