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Thread: Which one of us is the problem?

  1. #11
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    Thanks for all the input you guys :) Sorry I wrote more than necessary, haha that comes from me being too obsessive. I should say, the reason it's confusing is because I'm really happy with him a lot of the time. Pretty often, I feel like I made the right choice. I just also tend to get in these negative thought spirals when he's having a "sleepier"day. It's not as simple as me not feeling it, I just think I don't feel it as much as I should haha. And I really focus hard on the negative stuff because I'm a worrier and want to make sure I'm not wasting his or my time. It's a very real possibility that all my stress and negativity is my fault, I still feel like there's a huge chance this could end up working. He's not extremely absent, nor am I extremely unhappy, it's just sometimes. Do you guys all think you're supposed to REALLY feel a spark, almost all the time? Is it not enough to just feel happy pretty often? I didn't think it was that clear cut that we couldn't work it out.

  2. #12
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    To Batya33: Thank you for all that detail, that was really helpful :) That's what's tough, haha I can't physically date all the people in the world, so I feel like finding someone better than this almost-perfect guy seems nearly statistically impossible. I posted a little updated reply to this thread, in case you have time to check it out, I just feel like we might be too happy to break up, haha. It's not as black & white as I made it sound.

    To boltnrun: I most can't take care of myself financially. I'm an artist, whereas he makes the real money. Plus I don't know how to do the fancy adult stuff like taxes, and I can't cook. I know I can learn how to do all that, so that's not my most major concern, it just adds to the fear of breaking up.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Kira L
    Thanks for all the input you guys :) Sorry I wrote more than necessary, haha that comes from me being too obsessive. I should say, the reason it's confusing is because I'm really happy with him a lot of the time. Pretty often, I feel like I made the right choice. I just also tend to get in these negative thought spirals when he's having a "sleepier"day. It's not as simple as me not feeling it, I just think I don't feel it as much as I should haha. And I really focus hard on the negative stuff because I'm a worrier and want to make sure I'm not wasting his or my time. It's a very real possibility that all my stress and negativity is my fault, I still feel like there's a huge chance this could end up working. He's not extremely absent, nor am I extremely unhappy, it's just sometimes. Do you guys all think you're supposed to REALLY feel a spark, almost all the time? Is it not enough to just feel happy pretty often? I didn't think it was that clear cut that we couldn't work it out.
    You are excusing things away, because we all told you, you were incompatible. I suggest that you be honest with yourself and reread your post numerous times. You are not happy with this guy, and YES, there should be a spark. You currently have a buddy situation. You will not be happy in the marriage, and you know it.

    Perhaps, if you were't so dependent on him, you would have ended things long ago. Time to become more independent of men and make some friends to enrich your life.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 07-26-2019 at 09:54 AM.

  4. #14
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    "I most can't take care of myself financially. I'm an artist, whereas he makes the real money. Plus I don't know how to do the fancy adult stuff like taxes, and I can't cook. I know I can learn how to do all that, so that's not my most major concern, it just adds to the fear of breaking up."

    Good grief! These are all the wrong reasons to stay in a relationship. He is not your father., and it sounds like you are using him like a parent. Unhealthy dynamic! You need to learn to take care of yourself. Move back with your folks until you can become more grounded. You need to grow up. I would feel used if I were your bf.

    Break up with this guy. And, find something that you can support yourself on, so that you do not have to relay on other people. What would you do if he lost his job?

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  6. #15
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    Taxes are "fancy adult stuff"??

    I wonder what he would think if you read that paragraph to him. You're staying with him because he does all the "fancy adult stuff" you have chosen to avoid and because he's basically a nice guy and he pays for everything.

    I do hope you don't marry him.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Taxes are "fancy adult stuff"??

    I wonder what he would think if you read that paragraph to him. You're staying with him because he does all the "fancy adult stuff" you have chosen to avoid and because he's basically a nice guy and he pays for everything.

    I do hope you don't marry him.
    I could not believe that she had written that. Incredible. This is a part of life, not "fancy" things.

    Seek an accountant and buy a cookbook.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 07-26-2019 at 09:59 AM.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Kira L
    To Batya33: Thank you for all that detail, that was really helpful :) That's what's tough, haha I can't physically date all the people in the world, so I feel like finding someone better than this almost-perfect guy seems nearly statistically impossible. I posted a little updated reply to this thread, in case you have time to check it out, I just feel like we might be too happy to break up, haha. It's not as black & white as I made it sound.

    To boltnrun: I most can't take care of myself financially. I'm an artist, whereas he makes the real money. Plus I don't know how to do the fancy adult stuff like taxes, and I can't cook. I know I can learn how to do all that, so that's not my most major concern, it just adds to the fear of breaking up.
    No, you misunderstand. It's not about that at all. He is not perfect for you or almost perfect for you. It's irrelevant whether a man is perfect on paper. It's about compatibility, a good match. My husband is not perfect or almost perfect. Neither am I - in fact humility (not low self esteem -humility) is a great quality to have in a relationship because it allows you to learn even more from the other person and more about yourself.

    I have no real idea how to do taxes so I outsource it to an accountant and since we got married my husband takes care of it -just a simple division of responsibilities (I make all those annoying health insurance calls) - if my husband needed me to do it there is no way I would try to do our taxes myself - I am not an accountant -but i would be good at finding the right accountant and getting that person all the paperwork and on time. I can cook and I don't cook much at all. And if for some reason I needed to, I would and could or, again, I would see if it made more sense to do a meal service or some hybrid -meaning even if I don't have the exact skill I am a person who is responsible enough to find the right person to assist and handle the consequences of outsourcing (like our biweekly cleaning service).

    If you don't make real money it's time to find a way to make real money even if you marry a very wealthy person. Even very wealthy people can get sick/lose their jobs/make bad financial decisions, need to spend money to care for aging parents, etc. You need to make sure that if push comes to shove you can financially provide either by getting a job and/or having a nest egg that will provide until you can. Being an artist is wonderful -I worked with so many and I am a huge patron of the arts and always will be AND the artists I know have day jobs if their art isn't paying the bills if their are bill to be paid.

    I think you are supposed to feel a spark in a romantic relationship and if you don't feel it at that moment you feel secure that if needed you can revive that spark. You feel that the core of who you two are together is founded on friendship caught on fire - that you two are partners, and that you click romantically - and no you don't have to feel it every moment. But when you don't it doesn't concern you because you know that it's there even if it's a bit buried at the moment for one reason or another. You are concerned because you are doubting that you two ever had a spark, you are doubting that you feel it "enough".

    Also being the right person means being a person who doesn't need the excitement of the thrill of the chase. My partner keeps me on my toes but not in a sense of hot and cold or making me chase him -the sense of not being a doormat or a yes man, challenging me and standing up for himself - I see it as the dance of intimacy. When we were first engaged in the late 90s he was too much of a doormat. There were reasons for that. His own reasons and our dynamic back then. 8 years later, different story.

    It's not "ha ha" about feeling it as much as I should - because there's no ha ha about committing to a person for life. I hate to be overly simplistic but I'll put it to you this way. If you're actually content to have an engagement ring sitting in a box for all of that time and you're not wanting it on your finger as a symbol of your commitment and excitement about your future commitment you kinda sorta have your answer.

    I'll share this final anecdote. Last week our cousins sent us a photo in the mail they'd recently found. It was from 22 years ago. It was me and my husband. We were newly engaged and it was a ridiculously adorable couple photo taken near some lovely ocean while we were on vacation. You know I remember that trip, I remember feeling happy about being engaged. I remember actually when the doubts set in big time right after that, right when we started planning our November wedding. (meaning 3-4 months in the future). I looked at that photo last week and my first thought was "dang (well the other dang) why the heck did i not marry him back then???? what the heck was I thinking -we're so cute and happy together!!" And I made myself stop and respect my past self -respect that my body and head and heart told me loud and clear -once I listened to it and stopped getting swept up in wedding planning -that we were not right together.

    And here's another thing. We took a break right before the wedding date. Postponed the wedding. Took a month apart. When we met up again I missed him and wanted another chance despite still feeling shaky. And he said "no. because it will be romantic for awhile and then we'll be back where we started". 8 years later I realized (1) he was right and (2) had I somehow convinced him to give us another chance we'd never ever have gotten back together- there would have been too much negativity, bad blood. it was hard enough forging ahead knowing we'd been engaged and on the brink of marrying.

    So maybe -maybe- in a couple of years when you are a world class chef/accountant/making a living while you hone your art skills and he grows a backbone you two will reconnect. It's rare but it happens. Or you'll find someone who is the right person because you'll be the right person, a responsible, mature adult ready for the excitement of someone with reasonable confidence loving you and you love him back. Not because he's perfect. Because he's perfect for you. Be brave and take the risk of the dream of someone else -don't settle.

  9. #18
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    I'll echo most everyone else: you two are not a match.

    You are good friends. But you will not be good life partners. If you marry him, you will most likely wind up divorcing him later on.

    You will need to be the risk-taker you fancy yourself to be, and venture into adult life on your own. The degree to which you lean on him support you financially and be the "grown-up" is unhealthy; sooner or later, life has a way of making you grow up. Your time for that has come, it seems.

  10. #19
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    "It's not "ha ha" about feeling it as much as I should - because there's no ha ha about committing to a person for life. I hate to be overly simplistic but I'll put it to you this way. If you're actually content to have an engagement ring sitting in a box for all of that time and you're not wanting it on your finger as a symbol of your commitment and excitement about your future commitment you kinda sorta have your answer."

    YES!!!

  11. #20
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    Taxes for the business I own, not normal taxes. He basically manages my business. My dependency on him isn't a giant concern though, I know I could learn how to do whatever is necessary. I was more complaining than giving that as a real reason not to leave - I am NOT staying with him because of that at all. I'm not using him, I'm staying because I care DEEPLY for him - all that other stuff is just me being scared. For the most part, I truly do want to stay because he's so wonderful in so many ways. I've even told him I would trade everything he does for me to have more affection and energy in the relationship, which is true.

    And I'm not trying to make excuses - I'm trying to explain that I get in these obsessive moods, where I get super upset and dramatic. I was in a crying fit and posted that, with more negativity than I think is necessary. I wanted you guys to know the relationship isn't as bad as I made it sound. You're all assuming my opinions are hard and fast, haha, but I really think a lot of the problem is me focusing way too much on the unhappy times, when there are so many happy ones. I have bad days and good days, and yesterday was a bad one. I don't feel as magical in the relationship as I thought I would, that's the problem when it comes down to it. It's like I feel 80% happy with him, but I wish it was higher. The problems aren't giant now, but my fear of losing him makes the problems seem much bigger, since they could get bigger over the following years. But maybe they just aren't too big? Please just understand my default is to work on me and us before I do anything crazy, haha that's why I'm working on getting a therapist.

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