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Thread: Help. Husband wants to live with elderly parents

  1. #1
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    Help. Husband wants to live with elderly parents

    Help! Iím panicking and want to run away. My husband (weíre both mid 30s) wants us to move with his parents. His parents are elderly, neithrt have the best health, and quite weak. He wants to live in their garden (some sort of annex) and essentially is living with them to help them each day. He says itís the right thing to do. The problem is, weíve been together for 15 years now and Iíve never really got along with or felt comfortable with his parents. It was a major relief when we finally could afford a place of our own 8 years ago, I am fiercely independent and need my space, and I have desires of my own space and a good house (our current one is ok but not detached). But my husband is being insistent on moving miles away (approx 300 miles) to go live with his parents in their back garden. It sounds like a nightmare to me. I know I couldnít be happy seeing them every day and I certainly donít want to live in anyoneís garden, nor do I want to become a full time live-in carer! I want to run away. Iím panicking! I have a life to live and I donít want to spend it looking after old people. Sorry. Maybe this makes me a bad person, but so be it. I want to live.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Your husband is doing the right thing and as his wife, you should be supporting him to some degree.

    I don't think you need to go live in their garden, but moving to the same city at the very least so he can check on them everyday to make sure they are okay, seems about right.
    He could even stay there with them once in a while if need be.

    You don't want to live with 'old people'...boy oh boy...you'd better hope and pray you're not treated that way when you become old.
    Your husband would not exist were it not for these people. Don't forget that.
    Family is family..they love each other through the bad times and when they are sick and yes, even when they get old.
    That's the right thing to do.

    You don't bail and you don't make excuses.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Just say no. He needs to arrange care for them in a more meaningful and better way.
    Originally Posted by Suzy456
    Iíve never really got along with or felt comfortable with his parents.
    my husband is being insistent on moving miles away (approx 300 miles) to go live with his parents
    It sounds like a nightmare to me.
    nor do I want to become a full time live-in carer!

  4. #4
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    Marriage counseling. Right away.

    If this is one of your husbandís core values or beliefs - that he needs to take care of his parents - even if you win the ďargumentĒ, he could resent you down the line when/if his parents pass away.

    If you really donít want to be there and have that lifestyle - if he wins the ďargumentĒ - you will resent every moment you are there and may hold it against him.

    This is a turning point in your marriage, IMO, and it requires professional guidance to help you navigate it together.

    I donít even think you should try to navigate this without assistance if you arenít on the same page.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Why can't he move his parents to an assisted living facility in your town?

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    Yeah maybe counselling. I just really donít get on with them. They talk down to me, patronise me, ignore me and I couldnít imagine having to deal with them every day. I can see them with a smile every month as we do currently and I can handle it, but the idea of being with them daily when theyíre horrible to me just make me wants to break down. I canít take it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Parents raised their children and were respectful about it (assuming they were).

    Grown children now return the favour or at least help with their care to a certain degree. Getting a fulltime carer and checking on them everyday

    You don't become jerks and bail and give excuses or hand them off to strangers.

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    And he says we canít afford a carer as they charge £1000 per week! I donít want to become a full time carer for people I donít like and was relieved to be away from. I canít take it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'll tell you what Suzy..this truly is a turning point in your marriage.

    If you bail or complain so loudly that he feels forced to not help them, when they pass away, he will resent you greatly and it won't be fixable.

    Find a way to help and to get support if need be via marriage counselling or personal counselling.

    But things could go very badly if you don't find a way to cooperate on this issue.

  11. #10
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    Btw - for what itís worth - I disagree with SherrySher. I understand where she is coming from, and I think itís admirable, but I donít share those views. Not everyone does.

    In my family, my sister and I have already discussed with my parents what should happen should they require daily assistance. We have told them that we would find them a nice home. They are 100% in agreement. We donít view it as ďpassing them off to strangersĒ but rather getting them the assistance they need, and for them to be in a place with social activities and people their age to be around when perhaps they are less mobile, etc. We would argue itís a better quality of life for everyone.

    So... not everyone shares those values (including my parents - they donít want us to give up our lives to ever care for them!!)

    ... but as you can see - people feel passionately about it either way. Itís an incompatibility you have with your spouse. You will need to find ways to navigate that.

    Edited to say: Itís not unlike the stay-at-home mom vs. daycare debate. There are pros and cons to both and people feel passionate on both sides - but I donít think one is more shameful than the other. Itís a choice. And there are some beliefs that can be tied into that.
    Last edited by RedDress; 07-25-2019 at 06:01 PM.

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