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Thread: Help. Husband wants to live with elderly parents

  1. #31
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    When you said "finally got a place of your own" does that mean you used to live with his parents?
    I think its unreasonable to expect that you move right away and give up your job. I think that realistically, what is going to happen is you will live with his parents and your husband will find a job first and you will end up taking are of them.

    What kind of care do they require? just someone to look in on them everyday, or do they need constant care - help getting to the bathroom every time, etc.? If its the former, he can travel there for a few days at a time and enlist their friends, other relatives to pop in on different days. If its the latter, then he is unrelistic thinking he can work full time and take care of them full time

    What changed in the last few months that makes your husband now insist on it without a gradual plan?

    I would say, if he wants to live with him, then he can live with him and you stay behind to work until it seems like it might be a permanent move and then look for a job. He might figure out how daunting it is and bail after a couple weeks with them.

    To me, i don't think you are being cold. I think he never discussed his desire before you got married and he is being unilateral and unrealistic -- you can't just up and move without jobs.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I would never agree with your husband that you need to go live in their garden house. I'm like you, I need my own place, my own life, in an area I want to be in. I agree this could be a turning point in your marriage, and to be honest, I dont envy you at all. I thought about what I'd do in your position and I'd try to get the folks into an assisted living home where there are people to help them and take care of them. Some are subsidized. If he wont compromise, I'd say I'm not going with you and this is probably the end of our marriage. I'd be so resentful, it would be unbearable.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I would never agree with your husband that you need to go live in their garden house. I'm like you, I need my own place, my own life, in an area I want to be in. I agree this could be a turning point in your marriage, and to be honest, I dont envy you at all. I thought about what I'd do in your position and I'd try to get the folks into an assisted living home where there are people to help them and take care of them. Some are subsidized. If he wont compromise, I'd say I'm not going with you and this is probably the end of our marriage. I'd be so resentful, it would be unbearable.
    Is there a compromise - live nearby but not with them? If the parents were local to you, I can understand him taking a part time caregiving role but the move has potential to isolate you and its so unilaterl. Not "mom and dad need our help - what plan can we come up with?" I don't think simply moving them into assisted living is always the answer for everyone, but i don't think isolating your wife and saying "we are doing this/no compromise is not right. if you were in your 60s that's one thing, but 30s is awfully young to up and move with no job

  4. #34
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    The thing is even in your 50s and 60s you donít want to do that sometimes . Note these are NOT her parents but her husbandĎs parents. I wouldnít look after my husbandĎs parents either . Simply because theyíve been horrible to me and they are absolutely impossible . I looked after my father-in-law for almost a week during one of my mother-in-lawís hospital stays. I was ready to jump off a bridge . Literally. In two weeks my husband is leaving to look after his father again while his mother has ANOTHER surgery . My sister-in-law planning ahead this time planned all kinds of supports for them for the surgery and afterwards and my mother-in-law cancelled everything because my father-in-lawĎs irritated . Well so what if heís irritated this is a person who canít even remember his address or his wifeís name half the time . He doesnít know what is safe or what isnít but yet she goes with what he wants . Stubborn to the point of utter stupidity . Both my sister-in-law and my husband work plus we live three hours away . Sister-in-law who is a teacher has been told by her board she no longer has any paid time off because of her motherís last 3 surgeries three years in a row . So if she takes time off she will now be unpaid . My husband is using his vacation time to go yet again to help out . These are people who have free supports ,supports from their benefits and they can well afford support . Yet they are choosing to put their childrenís careers in jeopardy when they could have support otherwise . Itís ridiculous AND unnecessary. So instead of enjoying spending time with these people we get to feel resentful instead .

    So , yes people get old but they have to realize that their children still need to work ,yes ,we still need to eat pay for
    housing and pay our our bills so we donít get thrown in prison . You canít just throw away your job and go look after mommy .
    And in our case we still may have an adult child at home forever . Should I throw him out for my husbandís parents? Um ya, no.

    If you have the means for support in your old age please friken use it .

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  6. #35
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    Another two questions:

    1) Does he think that he is going to move your both in so that when the time comes, he tries to ensure that he inherits their house?
    2) Does he have other siblings?
    3) How is your relationship? Is he controlling or tend to make unilateral decisions where you have no say?
    4) Do they have a terminal illness/the end is near or are they just slowing down a little bit and won't accept other help or they are actually slowing down and doing okay - he just is overreacting?

    My grandfather at 92 still lives in his house. Granted, 20 years ago they downsized their home. his house is one story, he still drives, but relatives take him to doctor's appointments so he doesn't have to, and family - great grandkids, grandkids, kids regularly pop in socially. And friends call. he can prepare food for himself, etc, but has people he can call close by if he has an issue.

    Important questions

  7. #36
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    Update. We had an enormous argument over it. Full explosion. Heís now moving to live with his parents really far away to Aberdeen, weíll end up divorcing and our house is going up for sale next month. Iím moving back in with my parents while our house sells until I can find a place of my own. Iím devastated, but neither of us are prepared to budge and we both think weíre right, and both think the other is being unreasonable. I canít get over how fast this has happened. Iím blown away that itís all just blown up. Itís over.

  8. #37
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    Sorry this is happening. He's being unreasonable and you are wise to stick to your guns. Get the best divorce attorney you can find. Set up some sessions with a therapist to help you navigate the emotional side of things. It doesn't seem like it now, but it's a blessing. Is he from a different culture than you? One where wives are expected to live with/care for the husbands parents?

    He should take care of his own folks - not stick that task to you. It sounds like he may have wanted to divorce or he is simply too attached to his folks or never had both feet in the marriage. You're very lucky to cut your losses and end things while young and before starting a family.
    Originally Posted by Suzy456
    Heís now moving to live with his parents really far away to Aberdeen, weíll end up divorcing and our house is going up for sale next month.

    Iím moving back in with my parents while our house sells until I can find a place of my own.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 07-28-2019 at 08:54 AM.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Suzy456
    Update. We had an enormous argument over it. Full explosion. Heís now moving to live with his parents really far away to Aberdeen, weíll end up divorcing and our house is going up for sale next month. Iím moving back in with my parents while our house sells until I can find a place of my own. Iím devastated, but neither of us are prepared to budge and we both think weíre right, and both think the other is being unreasonable. I canít get over how fast this has happened. Iím blown away that itís all just blown up. Itís over.
    Ultimatums are all-or-nothing challenges where nobody wins. There are plenty of ways that husband could compromise, such as having you come weekend with him while you keep your job and house in order. His insistence that YOU must usurp your whole life because he has chosen to do so is not fair or reasonable.

    I'd hold off on divorce talk but see a lawyer to learn your options, such as putting a legal separation in place to protect yourself against any further debt husband incurs. I'd tell husband that if he's willing to consider options for the two of you to save your marriage, you're open to discussion. Otherwise, there's no need to buy into his extreme idea that you're horrible. You are not.

    Head high, and don't jump to conclusions. Let husband cool off and reflect. You do the same, and quit defending what needs no defense.

  10. #39
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    I am sorry to hear about this. It sounds like he hasnít transferred his loyalty to the family he made . It is unfortunate how many people donít do that . I wish you peace.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Ultimatums are all-or-nothing challenges where nobody wins. There are plenty of ways that husband could compromise, such as having you come weekend with him while you keep your job and house in order. His insistence that YOU must usurp your whole life because he has chosen to do so is not fair or reasonable.

    I'd hold off on divorce talk but see a lawyer to learn your options, such as putting a legal separation in place to protect yourself against any further debt husband incurs. I'd tell husband that if he's willing to consider options for the two of you to save your marriage, you're open to discussion. Otherwise, there's no need to buy into his extreme idea that you're horrible. You are not.

    Head high, and don't jump to conclusions. Let husband cool off and reflect. You do the same, and quit defending what needs no defense.
    Sadly, the divorce was his suggestion in the heat of the argument, and he meant it. Iím no longer in our house and today Iím back with my parents. Iíve only heard off him once today, simply confirming an appointment with the estate agents next week. I feel so abandoned. I donít know what to do. I think Iíll take up the therapist suggestion to get a load off my chest and hopefully find an amicable way through this.

    Thank you all for all your ideas, suggestions and being there to discuss this with.

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