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Thread: Help. Husband wants to live with elderly parents

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    I don't understand why YOU have to pack up and leave for this. if anything he should packed them up and bring them there. Put them in an apartment close to doctors/specialists and get a home care worker to come in a few times a week. He can spend time helping them on weekends. There are other options to take, rather than up root your lives for theirs. Is this his way to get free rent and save a few pennies? It's not worth it. They need to down size anyways, so it makes sense to sell off the house and assets so they can afford the medical assistance as they need it. it's a win win...they get the help they need and you get to keep your life.
    I agree with this. Especially, since they have tested you poorly.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    My mother doesn't expect me to do anything. Should she ever need it in the later stages of life, I'd be there for her in a heartbeat. It's not for her sake that I choose to be a decent person. It's because my conscience dictates as much. More power to you if you sleep well regardless. Sticking parents in homes or otherwise leaving them with their own struggles in age is one of the most obnoxiously WASP concepts I'll never understand. Fair enough if they were objectively crap to you growing up. There does come a point I think you can or even should wipe your hands clean and say, "**** 'em." But insofar as both my wife's and my parents raised us well and successfully, we both married each other understanding we'd do what it takes to physically be there for them should ever the need arise.

    I'd file for divorce if this is too much for you. Regardless of anyone's opinion or whether your husband is right or wrong, there's no way either of you comes out of this without some irreconcilable resentment.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Both of you are still young in your 30s and there is no way I'd be full time live in caregiver for elderly parents. Since your in-laws are perfectly capable of fending for themselves financially, persuade your husband to attend marriage counseling otherwise you'll be miserable uprooting, changing jobs and playing around-the-clock nursemaid.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'd file for divorce if this is too much for you. Regardless of anyone's opinion or whether your husband is right or wrong, there's no way either of you comes out of this without some irreconcilable resentment.
    This is the bottom line.

    No point in arguing if helping aging parents is correct or not correct. We all have different views and would do different things.
    But at the end of the day, Suzy, you and your husband wants different things and there is going to be resentment that is not repairable either on your side or his.

    You can try to cooperate on this issue and by cooperating, find a solution that makes you both happy. if that's not possible, you've got no other option than to file for divorce as this isn't an issue that is going to go away or is a small thing.

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  6. #25
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    I'm curious to know exactly how old are his parents? If you guys are only in your mid 30's I can't imagine them both being so old and both in such poor help requiring full time care?

  7. #26
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Suzy456
    And in addition to that, they have loads of money in the bank and if they downsized theyíd have plenty for the rest of their lives including cost of proper care.
    So why, then, does your husband say that YOU can't afford a carer for 1000 a month? They clearly have enough money to hire their own caretakers. And how old are they and what are their limitations?

  8. #27
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Sometimes money is the motivation....getting in good graces with the parents for the inheritance. Are there other siblings he might be competing with?

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Research the cost of an assisted facility or visiting care takers. He needs to manage their care more appropriately, rather than sticking it to you. Telling him or a counselor all about how much you hate his parents and why will get you nowhere real fast. It doesn't matter if they are devils from hell. Find practical solutions. Consult an elder care attorney for example. Find out the costs of elder care for them. Do your homework.

    Stop focusing on why you don't like them. Focus on practical not emotional issues. That you don't like them is a no-win argument for you. If you want to avert this disaster focus on finding appropriate care for them, why moving is out of the question, etc. Stay far far away from the "not getting along" angle. That you don't like each other is irrelevant and too subjective.
    Originally Posted by Suzy456
    I just really donít get on with them. They talk down to me, patronise me, ignore me and I couldnít imagine having to deal with them every day.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Advise someone gave me: If you can afford to pay for professional services to take care of your parent, by all means do so. While they are doing all the dirty work, bathing, diapers, feedings, etc. (which is often humiliating for a parent to have their own children do) you can in turn spend every single day enjoying the quality time with them.

    I was in defense in the poster and trying empathize giving up her career, family and moving to care give to her inlaws - if there was some other sort of compromise

    I have a life to live and I donít want to spend it looking after old people. <But after rereading that, it just made me incredibly sad.

    We all need to be there for our parents in some capacity. Though I never emptied a bedpan, I helped my parents in countless other ways and spent every minute with them that I possibly could.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I have a life to live and I donít want to spend it looking after old people.
    That's what got me too. We're all going to get old. God help us if there is no empathy for us like this.

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